Wow, it's been a long time. So much has changed. So much to discuss. So much to update you on. I am going to take a moment to read the last entry and then continue here...
Well, that was interesting. I wonder where this stuff comes from. Sometimes I just go on and on. I have so many deep thoughts about things. I am more present than I have ever been before. Being so present has also caused many beasts who were lying dormant to awaken. What do I want me life to be?
The other day on a layover in LA I had a lot of beer, had a great time, went to sleep drunk, and woke up with a hangover. Before I went to bed that night I had this sneaky feeling. I had this paranoia. I was afraid that I would have a drug and alcohol test and fail. Either that night or the next morning I decided to use to online tools to get an idea of what my blood alcohol level was and what it would be. I calculated that it would take 12 hours for my blood alcohol level to drop from a .1894 to .005. Suffice it to say I was afraid that I had drank so much that my levels would not drop.
I worked two flights the next morning, LAX to MCI, MCI to MSP. As soon as I got to MSP, who was standing on the jetbridge? The effing drug and alcohol guy and the first words out of his mouth were, are you Tracie Williams? FML. I was freaking out. I still felt so hungover and I thought one afternoon of unmemorable partying could cause me to lose my dream job. I texted my tribe and called CIC. Everyone tried to help me think positive thoughts and assured me my 11 beers would not cause me to blow over .005.
Well, the old Tracie would have been heavily distraught during the entire fiasco but for some reason I was just accepting of what was happening at the current moment and going over the things I would have to do in order to continue with my life. Long event short, I blew a 0.000. I was relieved but the stress of the event, which I handled well at the time, left me feeling irresponsible. Am I good flight attendant and a bad employee?
I start yoga teacher training on 10/27 of this year. I became an Employee Assistant Program Chairperson for my work union in the beginning of this month. My dream is happening and I am feeling overwhelmed. I know that we are here to teach what we are here to learn. I learned a huge lesson about what I want and what my actions show. I am held to a higher level. I have to be a resource for people and I can't do that if I can't keep my shit together. The time to to nut up or shut up is now.
I am feeling a little overwhelmed by my spiritual assignment, at least I am today and I was yesterday. I have this amazing tribe in my life who couldn't be more supportive of me. I just have to reach out. I just have to keep loving. That's one of the hardest parts. I didn't want to come to Houston because I didn't want o burden CIC with my sadness and I didn't want to receive his love. But the old me didn't win. I am in Houston now and he has been my best friend. No judgment. No expectations. Just love. Love and space. That's what I needed.
Now it's time to go back to work.
