I can't believe this is my first post of the year. The universe has been beckoning me to write and I have avoided it because I know the things that writing can bring to light.
I am three months into yoga teacher training and it has been a spiritually opening and grounding experience. I have not worked a flight this year so far as I have been assisting the training department. My airline opened a base in LAX and they are struggling to honor the CBA of our union. My position as the EAP chairperson has been very work intensive but I have a feeling it hasn't been as intense as it could be, will be.
CIC and I are still going strong. He is still married but at this time it doesn't matter to me. I do feel like there are limitations to how we can be publicly. Perhaps for fear of judgment. Lack of understanding. The people who love us the most know about us. I suppose that is all that matters. I can't help but look and feel like a hypocrite for the person I am to be. How can I lead others down the path when I have this hanging over my head. His betrayal of his vows are something he has to live with but I too live with them as an accessory to infidelity.
I haven't been in communication with my family much, save for my sisters. I find it hard to interact with them sometimes since I am so connected to their energies. They are living in horrid conditions right now. I am wondering if most of my hidden emotions a linked to my relationship with my family. I am letting them be and it was hard at first. I have to live my life by example. That may be the best I can do.
I have to love them despite our differences in lifestyle, priorities, etc. Yet, they all still have each other through the bad times. We were never poor black folk. Not because we were monetarily rich, but because our values lied in each other. Helping each other. Being there for one another. It's like that all died with my aunt. I never wanted to be my aunt. I felt she was taken advantage of but she just couldn't say no. I don't even want to say no.
My family could be much worse off. Dealing with addiction and demons. But we don't have those troubles. We have trouble with sloth, cleanliness, and communication. I guess that isn't so bad given what some families have to endure. How can I be loving to them? I think they want more of me. I will have to give them me if that's what they want. I have to love them enough to be honest about who I am and know that if they are meant to be in my life, they will be there even through the initial emotional reactions to my behavior. I want to release this. I want to love them through this. I want to release patterns for the sake of my nieces, nephew, and little bro. I believe it is possible. I believe it will happen.
I am looking forward to my winnings to take them from some of the mess. I am asking for a rewrite of our charts so that when the money problems are gone, they will be able to deal with themselves. I can't wait until this money system falls apart... Money doesn't change who you are. It doesn't determine your happiness. Happiness comes from within. Be the same before and after the money: on the path to spiritual growth; in practice and worship of the highest energy.
I want to take a nap. I am sleepy. It is Saturday and I have many things I would like to do such as run, send mail, study yoga, do AFA work, and clean my apartment. So far it is almost one o'clock and I have only managed to make pancakes and spend all day on my laptop. I am going to get dressed now and go to the running store to buy running shoes. Next I am going to gym to run my three miles. Then I will come home to send off my mail and then take care of this AFA business.
I am so sleepy. Why am I sleepy? Why do I get so sleepy when I have so many things to do? This is my life. A constant challenge. A glutton for trial and tribulation. Getting to know my soul I realize how much of a nerd it is for this Earth experience.
My life is permanently changing this year. I am living my soul's purpose. I am very grateful. And very sleepy. Better get dressed...
