I get so deep into this sadness. As I become more open, more aware, I see all the subtleties of it yet I don't feel closer to figuring it out.
I want the music to stop in my head. I want will power and concentration. My mind is weak and there is too much fear. I say this not to manifest it but to acknowledge what it is.
There is a party of me that wonders if I will continue to slip into this dark places or the black hole as the Unicorn has dubbed it. I wonder if this is my life.
I don't want to put CIC through this for years and I bet I probably made some promise in these blogs not to do this to him again. Yet here I am. I wonder if this space will get me to stay. If this is just a reaction to too much interaction. Yet yoga is teaching me to respond rather than react.
I'm not sure. I always handle this so internally. I suppose I don't think anyone will understand. That they won't just let me be. They love me and they don't want to see me hurting. It feels like sadness.
Wonder if forgiveness will always be there. Be healed.
