desires, dreams, and aspirations

What is my intention for manifesting this particular desire? Is the intention love-based or one of lack (fear based)?

I think that thus far I have realized how much I have.  I have abundance.  My blessings are over flowing.  I am so grateful for all that I have.  My intention for this is to help people.  To make change in people's lives.  My hope one day is that the monetary system will be eliminated and that we decide to flourish as a people based off of intrinsic rewards.  That we put love above all else.

I will free my family from this system.  I will create a school for yoga for kids.  It will be a private non-profit school to create a new kind of human being.  I keep saying all I need is one when the truth is that my voice was made for many.  I will start my yoga studio and then start my school.  I will then be on TED Talks in 3 years to hopefully change the world.  This is the beginning of the Time of Magic.

Ask and you shall receive!

Hello 2014

I can't believe this is my first post of the year.  The universe has been beckoning me to write and I have avoided it because I know the things that writing can bring to light.

I am three months into yoga teacher training and it has been a spiritually opening and grounding experience.  I have not worked a flight this year so far as I have been assisting the training department.  My airline opened a base in LAX and they are struggling to honor the CBA of our union.  My position as the EAP chairperson has been very work intensive but I have a feeling it hasn't been as intense as it could be, will be.

CIC and I are still going strong.  He is still married but at this time it doesn't matter to me.  I do feel like there are limitations to how we can be publicly.  Perhaps for fear of judgment.  Lack of understanding.  The people who love us the most know about us.  I suppose that is all that matters.  I can't help but look and feel like a hypocrite for the person I am to be.  How can I lead others down the path when I have this hanging over my head.  His betrayal of his vows are something he has to live with but I too live with them as an accessory to infidelity.

I haven't been in communication with my family much, save for my sisters.  I find it hard to interact with them sometimes since I am so connected to their energies.  They are living in horrid conditions right now.  I am wondering if most of my hidden emotions a linked to my relationship with my family.  I am letting them be and it was hard at first.  I have to live my life by example.  That may be the best I can do.

I have to love them despite our differences in lifestyle, priorities, etc.  Yet, they all still have each other through the bad times.  We were never poor black folk.  Not because we were monetarily rich, but because our values lied in each other.  Helping each other.  Being there for one another.  It's like that all died with my aunt.  I never wanted to be my aunt.  I felt she was taken advantage of but she just couldn't say no.  I don't even want to say no.

My family could be much worse off.  Dealing with addiction and demons.  But we don't have those troubles.  We have trouble with sloth, cleanliness, and communication.  I guess that isn't so bad given what some families have to endure.  How can I be  loving to them?  I think they want more of me.  I will have to give them me if that's what they want.  I have to love them enough to be honest about who I am and know that if they are meant to be in my life, they will be there even through the initial emotional reactions to my behavior.  I want to release this.  I want to love them through this.  I want to release patterns for the sake of my nieces, nephew, and little bro.  I believe it is possible.  I believe it will happen.

I am looking forward to my winnings to take them from some of the mess.  I am asking for a rewrite of our charts so that when the money problems are gone, they will be able to deal with themselves.  I can't wait until this money system falls apart...  Money doesn't change who you are.  It doesn't determine your happiness.  Happiness comes from within.  Be the same before and after the money: on the path to spiritual growth; in practice and worship of the highest energy.

I want to take a nap.  I am sleepy.  It is Saturday and I have many things I would like to do such as run, send mail, study yoga, do AFA work, and clean my apartment.  So far it is almost one o'clock and I have only managed to make pancakes and spend all day on my laptop.  I am going to get dressed now and go to the running store to buy running shoes.  Next I am going to gym to run my three miles.  Then I will come home to send off my mail and then take care of this AFA business.

I am so sleepy.  Why am I sleepy?  Why do I get so sleepy when I have so many things to do?  This is my life.  A constant challenge.  A glutton for trial and tribulation.  Getting to know my soul I realize how much of a nerd it is for this Earth experience.

My life is permanently changing this year.  I am living my soul's purpose.  I am very grateful.  And very sleepy.  Better get dressed...

How does a dog get cancer?

Seriously?  This is a valid question.  Have dogs gotten cancer in the past and we never named it?  Sadness.  Check the meat...

Two Left Gloves

I bought these super cute quality gloves to match my winter gear. I lost the left glove some time ago and so today I went to buy another pair. I went to Walgreens to get some stuff and lost the other fucking glove. This is consistent will my winter routine. I'm very frustrated with myself over this. I want to let it go but I just don't see the point in this lesson again. And now I see that it has to do with my pelvic issue. Some things that should get lost that aren't serving me, such as this fucking endo, are hanging around. It has come back five years later and I don't understand why? What did I forget to do last time? Not loving to myself? Mischaneling my creativity. So many things that need to be repeated. So many soul lessons. I feel overwhelmed. Unbalanced. Unsure. Unloved. The feeling of not being good enough. Of forgetting. Of pain. The feeling of losing something you valued. Feeling on top again. Back on my game and knowing better and then boom. The floor is pulled from under you. I'm fine. I don't want to connect right now. I get it. But I don't want too. I'm so sorry I treated you that way. I use to be really good at hiding my pain and emotions but you've somehow managed to make me drop my guard. I can't help but feel myself around you. It's always been that way which is why I would always push you away. And that's what I want to do right now. I want to push you away. I didn't want to say mean things to you. I'm sorry. I don't like speaking to you in an unloving way. I don't want to have to keep apologizing for that. I am still learning. Always learning. 

That Houston Fresh Air...

Wow, it's been a long time.  So much has changed.  So  much to discuss. So much to update you on.  I am going to take a moment to read the last entry and then continue here...

Well, that was interesting.  I wonder where this stuff comes from.  Sometimes I just go on and on.  I have so many deep thoughts about things.  I am more present than I have ever been before.  Being so present has also caused many beasts who were lying dormant to awaken.  What do I want me life to be?

The other day on a layover in LA I had a lot of beer, had a great time, went to sleep drunk, and woke up with a hangover.  Before I went to bed that night I had this sneaky feeling.  I had this paranoia.  I was afraid that I would have a drug and alcohol test and fail.  Either that night or the next morning I decided to use to online tools to get an idea of what my blood alcohol level was and what it would be.  I calculated that it would take 12 hours for my blood alcohol level to drop from a .1894 to .005. Suffice it to say I was afraid that I had drank so much that my levels would not drop.

I worked two flights the next morning, LAX to MCI, MCI to MSP.  As soon as I got to MSP, who was standing on the jetbridge?  The effing drug and alcohol guy and the first words out of his mouth were, are you Tracie Williams?  FML.  I was freaking out.  I still felt so hungover and I thought one afternoon of unmemorable partying could cause me to lose my dream job.  I texted my tribe and called CIC.  Everyone tried to help me think positive thoughts and assured me my 11 beers would not cause me to blow over .005.

Well, the old Tracie would have been heavily distraught during the entire fiasco but for some reason I was just accepting of what was happening at the current moment and going over the things I would have to do in order to continue with my life.  Long event short, I blew a 0.000.  I was relieved but the stress of the event, which I handled well at the time, left me feeling irresponsible.  Am I good flight attendant and a bad employee?

I start yoga teacher training on 10/27 of this year.  I became an Employee Assistant Program Chairperson for my work union in the beginning of this month.  My dream is happening and I am feeling overwhelmed.  I know that we are here to teach what we are here to learn. I learned a huge lesson about what I want and what my actions show.  I am held to a higher level.  I have to be a resource for people and I can't do that if I can't keep my shit together.  The time to to nut up or shut up is now.

I am feeling a little overwhelmed by my spiritual assignment, at least I am today and I was yesterday.  I have this amazing tribe in my life who couldn't be more supportive of me.  I just have to reach out.  I just have to keep loving.  That's one of the hardest parts.  I didn't want to come to Houston because I didn't want o burden CIC with my sadness and I didn't want to receive his love.  But the old me didn't win.  I am in Houston now and he has been my best friend.  No judgment.  No expectations.  Just love.  Love and space.  That's what I needed.

Now it's time to go back to work.

Spiritual Responsibility and Faith Without Work

I am watching a documentary about the spiritual shift of consciousness of 2012 and it has me thinking deeply about our spiritual paths.  Whether you are waiting on Jesus or aliens from another planet, your spiritual responsibility is yours and no one else's. I'm not saying anything bad about anyone's faith.  I'm just saying, what are you doing in the mean time?  Are you just sitting and waiting for someone to save you and everyone else?  Do you hide behind your religion or pit your religion against others?  Do you practice faith without work?

Attending "chuch" in my preteen years, I saw so many people who sat around waiting on god to turn on the light in there lives.  The truth is that the light was never out and that is what god wanted them to realize.  People asked for healing but never ask god what his plan was in causing sickness and pain in the first place.  The point, in my opinion, was not to understand the will of god but to understand how your circumstance is apart of a divine soul lesson for you. That keeping still was meant to be taken literally.  It was meant to surrender to the moment and using stillness to learn your soul lesson so that healing may have a way to find you. 

When we remove our power and give it to a system and rely on that system to take care of us, we are being spiritually lazy.  While a religious system can provide a foundation of tools and resources for you to use on your journey, in the end your choices on how to live your life are your responsibility. The best example I can give of this are people who harm other people in the name of their religion. There are folk who take beautiful spiritual practices and use them to justify atrocities and injustices toward humanity.  A lot of folk blame this and that on a religion but it's not a religion that is responsible.  People are responsible.  

The best way I can describe faith without work is through a story.  I have a friend who likes to tell me a story involving a lesson about faith. There was a great flood warning issued to a town.  Most people were making preparations to leave but one man decided not to do anything because he knew that if he prayed and asked god to save him, he wouldn't have anything to worry about.  Well, the flood came and at the initial evacuation the man's neighbor offered to the man a ride out of the town.  The man refused and said, god is going to save him so the neighbor left.  As the waters had risen higher the man had to go the second floor of his house.  A boat came pass and the boat driver saw him in the window and offered him a ride.  The man thanked the boatman for his offer, refused, and decided to wait on god to save him. The waters got so high and the man now had to reside on the roof of his home for protection.  I helicopter came and offered to rescue the man but the man once again refused and was waiting on god to save him.  Pretty soon the water had risen so high the man had to swim to survive.  He then began to ask god why he didn't save him.  God replied to him and said, I sent your neighbor, a boat, and a helicopter.

Do we see the lesson here?

Another Neck Injury?!?!?

I seem to have injured my neck in yoga practice.  Trying to ask the right questions, I have asked what I can learn from this even?  I already know pain doesn't feel good so that's not what I am to learn. I use to spend do much time in deep analysis of so many things when the truth of the matter is always in plain site. Here's how I hurt my neck...this time.

I was in a yoga class where three new instructors were in training.  One of the instructors while giving instructions started to walk backwards in my direction while I was in Chaturanga Dandasana moving into upward facing dog.  You can google this for an image.  I saw this woman backing into me so I whispered, "hey! Whoa! Whoa! " I then proceeded to bend and extend my back in upward dog to avoid collision.  

She finally got the message and stopped herself right before stepping on my mat.  As I continued into downward dog, I felt an all too familiar pain in my neck.I immediately took a child's pose and stretched my neck.  It was not feeling well.  Stupidly though I continued my practice and then went home.  It was there that the reality of the situation kicked in: I was seriously hurt and this pain was similar to my turbulence injury.  Dammit!

I couldn't move my neck more than 20 degrees in either direction.  I decided to book a visit with a chiropractor. I was upset but I was trying to figure out the reason this familiar pain resurfaced.   It took a day in a half but I'm finally understanding this.  It was so simple to figure out and I figured it out by five events that I will try to sum up in five paragraphs.

A text message from the Ex. 
I posted, "stupid neck..." on my Facebook status and my ex husband sent a text asking how I was doing.  For some reason this immediately made me angry.  I thought, "how dare you be concerned about my pain now.  You didn't seem concerned when we were married. " Ladies and gentlemen,  meet my ego. I am so grateful for the spiritual growth I am having because I was able to catch her before she was unleashed. Instead I figured out she was trying to tell me she was holding to some shit from the past that doesn't serve my present anymore.  Guess who told me this? My wonderful ex husband in his text message: "just remember that this is not like your injury and you will be fine in no time." He is one of the most beautiful souls I know and boy does he know me well.  So grateful for him.  It was time to not only let go of my past but to appreciate all he haf done to support me and show that he cares.   He has always cared.

Checking out my body
I told you I could only turn my neck about 20 degrees in either direction. Well, it literally hurt to try to look back at my ass and see if it looked bad in my pants.  Was it worth it? Why did I even care what my ass looked like, especially in the situation I was in? I've been accepting my beauty lately. I've been loving my body ad the unique temple that it is.  No one can love my body like me and I cam either choose to appreciate it without insecurities or have negative feelings about it. The pain I felt checking out my ass was a reminder that I am no longer concerned with things of those nature and it will only cause me pain.

Looking at someone else's body
This one will be pretty similar to the above two  lessons.  I use to be much worse than I am now and I know I'm not alone.  Women are always checking out other women.  We sit there and judge them and ourselves. Even if it's just subconscious.   It needs to stop.  It's not a behavior I want to continue.   I caught myself doing this yesterday and it hurt my neck.  It's another friendly reminder that this journey is not about this body.  I can pretty only look forward right now which means there is no need to look back.  I need to stay focused on what's in front of me and how I feel. 

A video about motivation, success, and dreams on Facebook
This was an amazing video.  It had powerful words and showed people working out hard-core to reach their dreams. At first my ego didn't care for this for the simple fact that because I am injured the way that I am, I can't do the physical things I want like yoga asanas.  I am on bed rest for healing right now.   It just hit me now that my yoga practice was focusing too much on body.  I was neglecting the mind and soul connection that is so vital to my growth.  Sometimes the universe will cause extreme things to happen to get you balanced again.   Just because I can't physically practice yoga doesn't mean I have to pause my dreams.  I am going to hard on yoga right now because my dream is to be a great yoga instructor.   I am here to teach whatbi am here to learn.   Yoga can be practiced through injury.   I am here to learn this right now so that I may teach it.  God is good.

Yoga Sutra Book Two Sutra 1
And now the icing on the cake.  Pain is of service to me, to all of us.  In the midst of it when it debilitates you it's extremely hard to see this, to feel this, to understand it. From my experience I can tell you that this is absolutely true.  Pain is an alert that an issue in your body needs to be addressed.  Pain tells you to be careful, use proper form, slow down.  I am grateful for this pain.  It sounds insane but that is the truth.  In the end my pain tells me to look forward,  not backwards.