Another Dimension

I haven't gone into detail about what my sessions with MM have provided for me.  I haven't really written about my experience with the entire ESS program.  It has been very interesting and I hope to save some of the juice for my book.  Today I will write about my experience with meditation this morning and hopefully I can recall the events well.

I had interesting dreams last night.  In one dream I was getting my old job with Compass back...let's just call that a nightmare.  In another dream I was sexual partners with The Rock Dwayne Johnson and let's just say that's not the kind of brute sex I'd want on the regular.  In another dream I was imagining the Unicorn telling me about several job opportunities she had and well, another one popped up today.

I woke up knowing I had to get out some emotional energy.  I hadn't put my shield on in the past couple of days nor visited my special forest.  I know I would have to do that today.  I observed yesterday while editing my book for the 6th time that every time I read it I am taken back to my suicidal mind.  CIC noticed the same thing as well.  I felt like I needed to do some crying today.  As I was setting up for meditation CIC comes into the room and asks me if we could meditate together.  I have fantasized so much about us having a regular practice and well, it's coming to fruition.

I was looking forward to going into my place but I realized we needed to do this.  I was looking for my quartz crystal and this weird green stone that I have so I could make a crystal grid.  After I found them we started to meditate.  At first I had the grid only in front of me and then I moved it between the two of us.  The way our current meditation space is set up we have to sit adjacent to one another.  One day we will have a dedicated room for yoga!

So as we got situated I could feel the energy from the grid but also CIC fidgeting so I decided he needed a guided meditation today and that I would go into my bubble later.  I also benefited from this meditation.  I lead him through the 4, 4, 6, 2 meditation that JC taught me except so hero pose or arm movements.  CIC's practice will be very different form mine as his mental energy is vast and requires much concentration.  I will be interested to see what places he reveals in his mind as his practice deepens.

The meditation was great and right when I thought I would be able to start mine our Unicorn called us on FaceTime.  This beautiful soul!  We love her so much.  It was nice for us to talk with her this morning and she lifted our spirits.  I told CIC that I would need to go through a huge emotional meditation today and he was just so welcoming to that.  He would do anything for me.  After our meditation I had a feeling in the back of my neck.  MM says that's where the third eye chakra comes through.

I started to feel the tears coming and thought maybe I should do some EFT like JC taught me so I can process it.  CIC left the room and came back in while I was getting started.  I instinctively thought to keep this from him but when he came in it's like I realized EFT wasn't the tool for this today.

So I lied down, put my rose quartz on my chest, closed me eyes, and went up the stairs.  I did a little pranayama prior to that.  As I went up the stairs I saw the white light coming from above.  I stepped in it an immediately felt that all over me.  I then started to put on my shield going through each color of the chakras and also adding the pink light for the heart chakra.  When the golden shield of protection came on I was surrounded buy a bubble field of pink light.  I felt the love energy protecting me and I think that has been the key; love is the strongest energy in the universe.  Nothing can get in it's way.

I then called my bubble which likes to come out now to theme music.  It likes the song Jump in the Line by Happy Belafonte.  Now I dance with my bubble and it shakes up for clearing and preparation.  Before it was a very quiet experience and now it's quite ceremonial.  Today I shimmied into the bubble...never done that before.  It was fun.  When I got in I immediately exhaled and started clearing.  The music stops when I go in.  Since I had the rose quartz on my chest it started to clear as well but I felt so much energy in my hand while this was happening.  I bent my elbows and raised arms up.  I could feel a triangle of energy between both hands and the crystal.

This crystal was healing me.  I moved my hands over my face all the way down to my legs.  My right pelvis area was disturbed yesterday and I wanted to heal it.  Yesterday I felt the pain was just a reminder to clear up some things I had pushed back because it was overwhelming at the time.  This morning CIC and I thought that because I was drinking this new green juice formula that it was moving things that had been sitting in my intestines.

After doing this weird thing with my hands I thought I was going to go to my forest but instead I went to the beach to see myself the night I wanted to die.  Current me walked up to other me and took her hand. I felt how sad she was.  All of a sudden more versions of me, the real me, the this life me started to come from all directions on the beach.  All the way from new born baby Tracie to old lady awesome queen essence Tracie.  Some Tracie's were holding baby Tracie's and kid Tracie's were holding other Tracie's hands, running around, some crying, some kicking sand, some wanting to help beach suicidal Tracie.  That old Tracie is the shizpoo.  She smells so good, has awesome style, and her hair is life giving!  I can still smell her!

We all surrounded me on the beach.  Current me told beach Tracie to look around.  We are all here.  I am you now and well, whatever this was on the beach didn't kills us.  In fact, none of anything that has ever happened to us has killed us.  We have all of us to go through the trials.  Beach suicidal Tracie looked up Orion and wanted to go there so she hopped in the bubble and went. She could see all of us waving at her from the beach.  She was comforted by all this.  She came back to the beach and we all put our arms around each other and surrounded her in a huggle.  It's a huddle that's a hug.

I then took beach suicidal Tracie to the forest and all the other Tracie's came too. We all played in the spring river and waterfalls.  It was fun.  While all the Tracie's played in the water, I took the rose quartz to the lady in the cave.  She was fascinated with it but directed me to the catalog.  The catalog in a digital library of my other lives.  I went to the Tree and the tree wanted me to sit the rose quartz in front of it on the ground to lure our someone.  It was a fun bunny trap and we enjoyed it.  A couple people came out but the high priestess came out.  I wanted to ask her so much and my concentration became compromised.

I wanted to know about the book and why it had empty pages.  She handed the book to me only chest and I wrapped my arms around it.  I looked at the pages and they were blank and then another language was there.  I then saw I was wearing the rose quartz around my neck which made think of the other pendants.  I saw a weird cross like thing on her neck but more like an ankh except it wasn't an ankh.  There was a different language in the book and I called bullshit.  Then I remembered what MM said about how I will get information when I am ready and the priestess confirmed this.

I asked about a book of magic spells and she said that's a different book.  Blank pages exist for me to write on them.  Information will be there when I can read it.  I then showed her the stone and she lead me to the catalog and that golden white light being came toward me.  We put the crystal between us and put our hands in the air.  Integration was the word that came through.  I looked to my right and saw "future" Tracie with the stone she put in her heart.  I realized that all at once all those other Tracie's had integrated inside of me.  I was integrated and more and more information comes every day at a rate that is safe to process.

I understood it all up until that point.  There is so much more to learn.  I let the light being in me and felt it.  I took the book with me. All the Tracie's are inside of me.  I left my place after I enlarged my bubble to clear it all.  My bubble took me back to the dark room and well, we did our Shake Shake Shake Señora dance to clear.  As I was leaving I went to the stairs and I started counting from 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, and at 8 I realized I was not going down stairs but going up.  I looked down to my left and I could see the stair that lead out.  So what set of stairs were these. I walked back down those stairs.

After I integrated with Tracie and received the book I felt some fear leave me.  It was a strange feeling.  So normally when something new like this happens I get afraid of it and my mind loses concentration but not this time.  I had a genuine curiosity about what was up these stairs.  So I decided to go back up the stair and somehow I knew I was going to be here but not here.  It was another here.  As I reached the 10th step there was an opening.  Not a door per se but the same idea.  I opened my eyes and I could hear the blender in the kitchen.

I have watched life like a movie before but this felt different.  This felt like it wasn't mine.  I am not sure how to confirm it but I knew I was in a different dimension.  Very similar to this.  I knew CIC  was in the kitchen making a smoothie but I wondered who I would meet when I went outside.  None of this felt like my life as I know it.  My body even felt different.  I listened to the sounds as I lied there.  I took in the feeling and then I decided to close my eyes and go back to the dark place.  When I reached the bottom of the stairs, I looked up and saw others.

I immediately thought of the movie interstellar and wondered if my mind was only understanding things I was seeing this way because of what it had seen in that move OR if this was actually legit.  If it was actually what I was seeing.  I decided to go back down the only flight of stairs I had ever known up until that point and when I reached the bottom I was back to the reality that I know.  I could feel my body different.  I could feel CIC as I knew him.  It was all very strange.

My energy was spent and I sat up slowly getting my bearings. I had wondered about what I just saw.  I read a passage from my bible which is Soul Lessons & Soul Purpose by Sonia Choquette and took the lesson "appreciate for not dying" from it.  I have not really appreciated that I didn't die that day by the ocean or any day before or after that.  There was so much more for me to see and I dare that all that I saw in my vision today was there on the beach as well but I was so unaware that I couldn't feel it or see it.

I wrote about my meditation in my meditation journal and I always keep it brief.  While I was meditating someone was texting me.  I decided to look at my phone to read the messages and it was King Cole.  He sent me a youtube video of a song called Archie, Marry Me.  In this video  I saw the weird looking cross thing that the high priestess was wearing on the back of a tarot card or other deck.  The card was about the wheel of fortune.  The woman mentions being in a bubble with her lover and well, that happened in meditation, my lover being me.  Then the woman was on a  beach but in the day time, much like I was but at night.  Then there was another card.  It was the high priestess card from the deck.

I was not surprised that King Cole sent me all this because admittedly after most of the trips I take during meditation I doubt some for it.  King Cole always validates me.  I am not sure how we pick on up these things and on what level.  It's definitely not something I feel it's more of something I know.  I texted him about what I saw and he says for some reason he knew I needed to see the video.  After a trip to the bathroom to my morning poop I decided I wanted to see if I could connect with the rose quartz over my hand like a pendulum.

I was doubtful that it would move as I have seen it move for others but I kid you not that damn thing started to move in a circle all on it's own.  I then went to show CIC what I could do with the rose quartz just for more validation of what was happening and then I had him do it and though his wasn't as exaggerated as mine he experienced it to.  After all this I thought, I haven't had a session with MM this week but I need to tell her what happened.  That has been my day so far...

Failing Before Starting

Today I was supposed to take my driver's exam to get a license and I didm' get the chance to do so because I wasn't ready.  I didn't know where the emergency parking break was.  I didn't know how to hand signal.  I didn't know where the defroster was.  After all that he said the windshield wasn't acceptable for driving so I couldn't take the test today.  Talk about feeling defeating.  I thought I had done everything I could to take this fucking test and truthfully I was unprepared.  I didn't do enough to prepare for the exam.   Although I am getting a second chance the truth is I wouldn't have passed the test.  This is supposed to be an opportunity for me to start over and right now it fucking sucks.  This has triggered all sorts of shit.  I am supposed to be writing the third installment of my journey with suicide and I had every proof of the work I had been doing riding on this test.

Learning how to drive was giving me all sorts of confidence in my recovery and being told that all the work I have been doing has fallen short fucking sucks so much.  It hurts.  It's like in this world I will never be well enough for other people.  The interesting part is that I drove home from the place very well.  I don't know anything about cars.  CIC wanted me to read the manual of his car and I didn't do it.  Had I done it I would have known a little more about the car.  He tried to get to me to do and I didn't do it.  I am in such a pattern right now.  One thing goes "wrong" and my whole world falls apart.  Except nothing went wrong.  I have another opportunity to do this and I don't want to because I didn't do it the first time.

I felt all this coming.  I felt I wouldn't do well.  I tried to talk myself into working with this experience better since I knew it was coming but alas here I am.  I just want these feelings to move up and out of me.  I wasn't present.  I was anxious and here I am.

I didn't know this part of me was still in me but I guess it is.  I remember this part of me.  I learned about her when I was young.  Can I now show gratitude for the revealing?  Can I now move forward and leave this all in the past?  Boy was I fucking triggered today.  I want to get this over with.  If I get to take this test again today and fail it then it means I have not been deemed a safe driver.  It means I will have to do this over again and again until I get it.

That is the exact reason I wanted to die; having to do something again and again until you pass a test seems absolutely exhausting.   The work I've been doing with FMR is supposed to combat that.  I think I should call JC...

Suicide Ramblings

Just had a great weekend.  I had been planning a trip to Las Vegas as a surprise for CIC to go see Rush, his favorite band.  It has been really nice getting to know him in a different way.  Music, specifically Rush is such a huge part of his identity.

So much happening and not happening.  I am not working right now.  I feel guilty about it.  I am grateful to be in a situation where I don't have to work.  Part of me doesn't want to work.  I don't want to be back in the system.  It's almost as if I won't have a choice.  What can I choose?  In some ways I still don't want to be here.  I don't want to have to be alive.  I feel that emotion all over me and some days I am not certain it will ever go away.  Experiences have been nice but to be honest I don't give a fuck about experiencing life.  Even after all these great fucking moments, such as seeing Rush perform at what could very well be one of their last concerts, somehow I still don't give a fuck.  I'll do shit.  Go places.  Eat good food.  Laugh.  Cry.  Give thanks.  Meet cool people.  Find new music.  All of that I really don't give a shit about.

This isn't play for me, it's torture.  Why should I be forced to be here if I don't want to be here?  I don't care why I am needed/wanted.  I don't care what I am good for.  I don't care what I have to offer.  There are 8,000 other people out there with so much to offer.  This world will continue to rotate, thrive, and burn without me.  So a couple hundred people will be hurt when I am gone but the truth is they will all go on.  I feel I am doing this for them and not for me.  If I had to get what I wanted I'd be dead by now.  Dead and never to rise again.  I'm so over this shit.  I am over it and I am tired of going through all these motions to show everyone that I am doing everything I can do they can fucking sleep at night.

I don't want this anymore.  I don't want any of it...

I suppose if I had to live it would be in a quiet cottage in the middle of nowhere.  Trees and untreated grass.  A garden with chickens and cows.  A huge library of books.  Heh, sounds like I would live like a hobbit.  That's probably why I like them so much.  Just simplicity.

Gross Times in Jackson Hole & Being Black

I miss the incubator. This Jackson Hole place makes me feel weird. My face feels like it did when I wore those faux dreads: a heavy fake weight hiding what is really there for the purpose of seeming pleasing to the eyes of others.  I just observed Dickhead with his side chick at the airport.  It would seem the Unicorn was the real side chick and Dickhead actually was more smitten for this other woman who is basic. It actually made me question if my Unicorn is basic but she's not. She might've been in her former days but not anymore. 

I've cheated on most of my former lovers. I fell in love with other men while still attached to the one I was with in some physical way. I think that's the worse kinda betrayal; when your heart is with someone else and you are physically with another. That's what happened to my Unicorn. Yet as I stare at this woman I can't help but wonder if she has a magical vagina because head to head, Unicoen wins hands down. 

Part of me wishes I was on this Delta flight so I could continue to watch this freak show that is life a bit longer. I hope they live happily ever fucking after. No one in life gets to escape the energy they put into the world. I hope this passenger shows up that was missing. I hope this side chick gets taken off the plane. But she won't. I hate feeling controlled by feelings. I can only control my breath and even that is subconscious most of the time. 

I want to leave this place. This place feels awful. Absolutely awful. It's so deceiving because its aesthetically pleasing. It has so many wonderful elements yet ew. Why is that? I don't like it. I can't wait to leave this city.  I miss my incubator. I miss the sacred space created by my roommates. I miss my partner. This is the first trip I have taken away from him in a long time. I don't like it. It feels calming and safe around him. This place feels pressured and boiling over. 

My head and face feel awful. I hope I don't come back here anytime soon. Gross. 

Also, I hate being a novelty. There aren't many blacks (with Afros) here so I stick out like a sore thumb. Sometimes white people finding themselves makes me angry inside. There are too many white folk here invested in whiteness. I am in a sea of it. It's been a long time since I've been to place where white folk feel the need to smile at you and appear overly friendly because I'm black. 

They stare at me. They stare at my hair. They smile at me when they get caught staring. Fuck off! I could never live in solace where my blackness was always on display. I have seen 3 black people here which is more than I saw the first time I visited Montana and SLC. One of them was big and loud...thanks dude. The other was cleaning the windows of the yoga studio. He stared at me. I bet he wondered who I was and how I got here. JHole is defiently a place where you can count the blacks on your hands. 

I saw a few mixed people too. I suppose they count but we don't have the same experience. There is a lady staring at me right now sitting across from me. Believe it or not, some white people go on vacation so that they don't have to see colored people. So when I show up they can't help but stare. Then, like this lady just did across from me, they look around at other whites as if to say, "look, a back person. Do you see her? Weird, right?"

I don't want to notice these things. In fact, I'd love to be wrong. Unfortunately being from Chicago I have grown up like this. My mom took us to places where there weren't just black people or we were the only ones. I know what it feels like to be so noticed, so exploited. I moved to the gate area and well, this dude is just staring. Just staring without caring that he is and he's not alone in the staring crowd. Sigh...

Unicorn said something interesting to me  yesterday. She said it's not just enough that you are black. She says it's even more of a novelty because I am pretty. I never thought about that element before but it definitely seems like it could be apart of it. 

Here's another cool fact. When white people feel like they're doing something cool and a black person is there, the coolness factor gets elevated and their ideals of how "open minded" they are about themselves gets validated: look, im at a place black people go. I have literally been places where people wanted to talk to me because I was black. Get the fuck outta here!!! 

Sigh...I actually for a moment wished I could blend in. I don't typically ever want to blend in to anything. I feel too unique for that. Yet for once I'd like to go to a place where, yes, maybe you don't see a lot of black there often, but it doesn't become a spectical, I don't become a spectical. It should be more like, "oh, a black person" and the you move on woth your life. You go about your business. You don't stare you don't ask strange questions. I bend in as another human being who so happens to be in the same place you are. That is all. 

When does my flight board because I can't wait to get out of here...

Just landed in SFO

So I did something bad today. Something dishonest that I am not sure how to tell my partner about. I violated his trust. I read his journal. He has been angry with me more than I had ever imagined. I want him to get it out. I don't want him to have resentment for me. I am still afraid of loving him after so many years. Showing him myself. 

How does he put up with me and my antics? I wish I loved myself the way he loves me. How he keeps coming back to me. How he stands still when I run in circles. How all he wants is to love me. I can't even see his face right now. I would feel ashamed. There were no secrets in his journal. He tells me everything. He just fell in love with me and he still is in love with me. Why does it hurt so badly?

I'm wonder how I will get over this period? I wonder when it will end? This feeling inside of my stomach. This ache in my heart. How could someone ache so much from being loved? CIC saved me. He saved me and I don't appreciate it for one minute. I don't feel I am worth such saving. Such love. Such sacrifice. 

I go through so many ups and downs. I don't want this life for him. He deserves to have someone to meet him needs, to compliment his freedom. He is so amazing. I feel like I am living for him and not for me. Not in some slave unhealthy way but in a way that I don't value myself enough to love for myself. The depression persists. 

San Pedro Nights: Shots Fired

My life has played out like a soap opera the past couple of days. I have had my next door neighbor from child hood out visiting me. He is psychic and very open to his spiritual gifts. It has been an enlightening few days but there was something developing that came to a head today.

I hope I have helped him release that energy. He has helped me to understand so much and I wanted the same for him yet when I approached him with feedback he wasn't receptive. He was defensive and that is his pattern. He's had to defend himself his whole life and I was under the illusion that he wouldn't feel he'd have to defend himself from me. 

He just dealt some heavy shit, we both did. He made one mistake though. He pissed CIC off. CIC, the guy everyone makes fun for the way he carries himself. CIC will not tolerate me being unsafe. Not on his watch.  I don't agree with CIC wanting him to leave. It's just a lesson for us to learn. In giving CIC his power however I want to do what he would have me do. 

I was rude to Lee because I was operating from a place of familial understanding. I had a conversation in my head and once again only let out the brunt end of it so we had a misunderstanding. He doesn't allow anyone a word in edge wise. I assumed he was ready for the feedback phase of of life and here we are. 

Lee listens well but... Yeah, that's his thing. He'll listen until he says the word "but" which most people generally knows completely negates the previous statement. He's still in the hear to respond phase of life which brought me back to mine.  After an aura energy cleansing he did the previous night in which I felt completely vulnerable afterwards he said to me "that was so hard to do. I didn't realize you were that thick. (Pause and silence) you looked really good in those leggings today. (Pause and silence). Would you like me to stay in the room with you?" Horrible timing and here we are. 

I feel bad about how it all went down and due to his extremism he wants to just cut me and my whole family off because he's embarrassed. As I type all this the soul lesson has become very apparent for me. I was his family. I represented everything his family was and Chicago and I stimulated all his triggers. I served him in this way so that he could decide who he is going to be now that he is in California. Reaching this conclusion has brought a peaceful energy over me. I am so grateful for the lesson coming in that way. 

He was gonna leave but then I heard what I thought was fireworks. When I opened the patio door for a closer listen it turned out to be gunfire. I was hearing most intense shoot out I had ever heard in my life. Worse than what I ever heard in Chicago. This was as Lee had feared. It aptly manifested as we too were having our own shoot out. I told him I didn't feel comfortable in him leaving in that. I hope he chose to stay. 

And now here I am. Partially afraid to sleep because he said he wouldn't be able to sleep. He's never had a female friend like me before and he didn't know how to respond. I saw the young man in him coming out and realized how far he has to go. I feel sad that he sees this as a connection lost. And at the same time my trust has been violated enough that I don't want to sleep. 

Funny how life mixes things up. 

It's been about a half hour since the gun fire and I have heard no sirens. I mean, someone must've died in all that gun fire. I haven't even heard any helicopters. Where exactly do I live? Is Lee afraid now? He keeps saying he's not afraid of anything. Admitting to fear doesn't mean that it will dictate your being. Fear doesn't go away. We no longer have to tell ourselves the lies from our childhood that helped us to sleep at night. 

A few things I can take in are demanding and dictating. That's how he described me. There is truth in that. I have the desire to control things. I have the ability to influence things. I want to make my mark. My mark could have been reception to Lee's healing but it got clouded by the dictator which I think needs a name.  I'll work on that. I have owned what he's said about me and I felt like he wasn't owning his own shit. It's like I wanted to see him doing the work like me. 

Some people are just transmitters. They are not receivers. I had it all misunderstood. I felt too friendly with him too quickly. Though we connect spiritually we don't connect personally. It's an interesting thing how we've served one another. I assumed he understood me but I was mislead by my own desires for spiritual community. I do hope he doesn't abandon my family because of this. 

He continues to let his past determine his walk, as do we all. Poor child. We are but children trying to do all this stuff. Trying to act like adults. He's done nothing that can't be processed and forgiven. His whole life has prepared him for what's coming. I was like the last boss before the final fighting level. The thing is that he doesn't have to fight anymore. I wish he saw that. Those gunshots meant he doesn't have to do the fighting. I hope he sees this. 

Edit:  As it turns out all that noise was definitely fireworks and now gun fire.  Guess Lee got one over on me again.  I no longer have him in my life and I haven't missed him to be honest.  Seasons change.

I'm not sure

What do I really know?  I've had a hard time lately and I don't want to write as much as writing is clarifying for me.  I don't want to crochet as much as I use to enjoy it.  I don't want to move.  I want to lie still and do nothing.  I have taken away all hope in my life for my job at Compass.  This is the longest I have ever had a job and well, maybe that has something to do with wanting to leave.  I don't like to feel trapped.  My job use to provide me with such freedom but it wasn't my job that gave me freedom.  If anything lately I have revealed just how trapped I really am at work.

I wonder if I can type this sentence with my eyes closed. I did.  That was cool.  What else coudl I do with emy eys closed? Ah reality sets in.  Once there was focus and now there is this.  There is undertainlty and a lack fo fiath in my own skills.  I want to have so much focus that I can keep typing with my eyes closed. How did I learn to type like this?  I was in grade school and taking computer class was one of my favorite things because I loved to play the typing lessons.  I became really good at it.  I don't care why they were teaching me to do it.  We don't give our brains much credit.  I am not sure I could fill in a blank keyboard but maybe I could.  Standby.

So I just did a test to see if I could make put every letter to the keyboard in it's place and I couldn't just do it visually.  I had to incorporate my hands and spell words on an air keyboard in order to find their place.  I missed the placing of z, v, and y.  Otherwise I couldn't just picture the keyboard in my head and write it out.  I type on my keyboard so much I find this interesting that something I interact with daily doesn't come to me more easily than it did.  Such is life.  I live life everyday and some things I have figured out but some I have not.  I am not an expert typist.  I am not an expert human.  I am not sure if I want to be.

I want to find a reason to live for myself.  I have seen what I can do for others but nothing for myself.  I should accept what is.  I should accept the way this world works.  Typing that makes me want to cry.  I don't want any of this still.  Even with an amazing partner, friends, and family.  Even with this exciting job and the prospect of teaching yoga and writing and gardening.  I still don't want to be here.  I might need to take some type of drug.  But the spiritual world say all of the answers lie within.  In where?  In me?  Because I feel emptiness. I feel sinking.  Am I just a tsunami that is swelling?  I am not sure.