The Daily Truth

The first time I began to write this blog it was filled with negativity. I am going to write the complete opposite of that which I had written in order to discreate the negative and reaffirm the positive.

I am above this. I am the me I am meant to be. I am in this moment right now. I am responsible. I am healthy. I am an athlete. I am timely. I am careful. I run to love. I run for fun. I am healed. I embrace my gifts. I love my job. I am a great friend, sister, aunt, daughter, granddaughter, niece, goddaughter, mother (Onyxia), flight attendant, student, and teacher. I am in empath. I am intuitive. I drive therefore I am driven. I have always been a beautiful divine child of god. I am a vegetarian. I am organic.

I see the soul lesson in all things and enact the necessary change in my life. I am spiritually sound. I am more than enough. I have abundance. I have the eternal love of god inside of me and he is the source of my power and strength.

No regrets. All is in divine order.

Sleepless in Bloomington...

I'm up late again.  I didn't sleep last night.  I am afraid to wake up the next day and fail all over again.  I am so close to me that it scares me.  Heaven help me.  Angels watch over me.  White light of the holy spirit surround and protect me.  Spirit guides, make yourself known to me.  All I want now is Peace.  Calm.  Healing.  Forgiveness.  Joy.  Love.  Beauty.  Good Food.  Loving Friends and Family. Wealth.  Health.  Strength.  Power.  Endurance. Fitness. Travel.  And most importantly, SLEEP!!!!!

I'm So Gone From This Crown Royal On Ice

Warning!!! This blog is pretty intense...not in is spiritual sense.  More like scandal and sex... If you can't leave your judgment here, turn back now.


I have to blog about a couple of songs that are running through my mind lately.  I suppose I could write about these songs but instead I'll just leave the lyrics.  In the mean time, why don't you youtube the song while you read along...


Crown Royal (On Ice)


Your hands on my hips pull me right back to you
I catch that thrust give it right back to you
You're in so deep I'm breathing for you
You grab my braids arch my back high for you
Your diesel engine, I'm squirting mad oil 
All down on the floor 'til my speaker starts to boil 
I flip shit, quick slip, hip dip, and I'm twisted
In your hands  and your lips and your tongue tricks
And you're so thick and you're so thick 
And you're so Crown Royal on ice


Have you ever had Crown Royal on ice? I haven't had the actual drink but this other shit that Ms. Scott is describing, I have had and I must say, I might be an alcoholic (just a metaphor folks).  I've been sober for a few weeks.  My sobriety is in question, is in danger.  Why is it in jeopardy.  Well, the next song seems to explain that...


So Gone (What My Mind Says)


You're gonna hear the pages turn.
Let me take my Gazelle's off
Don't want this thing, but can't let go
Even though, I need it so
Your arms they soothe me
But I ain't no game
I ain't no toy
I ain't just brain.
This ain't no movie mane... 
I'm a real woman
Been down this road before
I just need more

Why does my body ignore what my mind says?
I try to keep it intact, but I'm here in this bed.
I need to... listen, listen...

Emotions deep down inside of me
I'm trying to hide, but they keep finding me
I want to lay low, but continuously you do
Unh, unh, unh
All the right things 
So sweet to me
What do I do?

Why does my body ignore what my mind says?
I try to keep it intact, but I'm here in this bed.
I need to... damn

Why does my body ignore what my mind says?
I try to keep it intact but I'm here in this bed.
Again, I'm scared... Again 


And a little Paul Wall....Mmmmm


You got that ocean of soul
Baby you super thick
And I'm the man of steel with skills
Call me Super Dick
I got that technique that keeps you cummin back to back
And I know you feel it all in your stomach whenever you arch your back
I'm a pull yo hair; I know you love that
When I maneuver this tongue, your eyes roll back
I work them side angles; I'm a Kama Sutra pro
Kitchen table down to the flo
Ass in the air while you biting that pillow
Girl you know how I chop and screw
That's what a diamond chip dick do

That's what a diamond chip dick do

Oh my mind says, and my body says something different

Why does my body ignore what my mind says?
I try to keep it intact, but I'm here in this bed.
Again.
He got that thickness, the kind that make you get up makin biscuits with
Breakfast, so gone

Why does my body ignore what my mind says?
I try to keep it intact but I'm here in this bed.

Well. Gone, gone, gone... I'm scared of this love.

He got that thickness, the kind that make you get up makin biscuits with
Breakfast, so gone

And I ain't even thinkin bout the next chick that he mess 


with... so Reckless, so gone


And there you have it folks.  I'm so gone.  To the point where the last line describes exactly my mentality.  I have issues.  I am just acknowledging a feeling that I have.  I am just expressing some shit I'm going through.  It made me ask myself, what is my mind telling me to do?  My mind has made many attempts to stop my behavior while my body on the other hand feels a sickness without it.  It's so different this time.  My world isn't riding on it.  I can go on without it but (yes, there's a but) I don't want to.  My mind says I'll be fine.  My feelings say I want more.  It's a very confusing time.  What am I more afraid of?  With it or without it?  With it....

Ego? Soul? When is it enough?

I knew that I stressed about things. I knew I was a bit of a worry wart. I knew that when I was panicking I would physically experience certain debilitating symptoms. Last night this happened to me. I saw my stomach swell up like a balloon in less than ten minutes. I started having hot flashes. My stomach acids started to go crazy. I became dizzy and my neck felt like turbulence. I could have passed out or something. I am tired of feeling that way.

I don't know what's good for me right now as far as relationships are concerned. I feel as if I have to accommodate others because maybe they know something I don't. The truth is that only god and myself know what is best for me. I am not relishing in what should be a flattering time in my life. Two men say they are in love with me. One is married with complications. The other I am married to with complications.

I suppose I like some of the benefits of being desired yet I still don't want someone 24/7. I want to be on my own for a while. I need it. I need space to be me and that doesn't leave room for the needs of others. I feel like I have to accommodate one person's feelings over the others. Someone is going to get their feelings hurt. I can not commit to one person. I would think these two individuals are intelligent and self loving enough to see that they deserve someone willing to commit to them. That is not me. And I am not into piss matches. Neither do I want to be convinced into choosing. So some man thinks he has what I need in life and love? That he's the one who will show me what love is really like. Men are all the same.

I am tired of saying it and not living it: I want to be alone right now. Self sacrifice is over right now. Either take the little I have to give or don't get anything at all. I would rather at this very moment free up all the space occupied by noise right now. Why is it that people who actually want love in their life don't get it and I have too much of it? That doesn't make sense to me.

I have some fears. I am afraid to love my husband romantically. I am working on releasing things but I can not do that while I'm with him. Besides that, I am not into the way he lives right now. Hell, honestly I don't think I could live with anyone right now. I really do need my own space. The truth is that I don't think we're compatible and we never have been. I don't think you have to make things work. Things should just work. I am reaching too far outside of myself to be with him.

Yet being with him did feel easy. He understands me in a way like no other. I never felt pressure in the beginning. He opened up parts of me that I am grateful for. Right now I doubt that I could get excited about him the way that I use to. I feel shitty because he is an amazing human being and a great man. Just not the man for me. How do I let him go and accept hurting him? Especially when I appear to be the only one he has here.

CIC is another story. His only problem is that he's married. Seriously. Oh, that and the fact that I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH ANYONE RIGHT NOW. Get at me in ten years. Ok. Maybe that's not his only problem. It's weird how the universe has packaged this man. He's my type. I say I don't want to be with anyone and then he shows up. I will not take this as a challenge. I do not need to prove anything right now.

I can't seem to walk away from him. I normally can put the ice cream down but there's something drawing me to him that makes me uncomfortable. And by uncomfortable I mean shit gets real still. An uncomfortable ease. A bit of unnerving peace. I am not into that right now. I don't want love right now. Is that so hard to understand. I want me. I choose me. I'm sorry folks but that's my choice. And me doesn't come with commitment, rules, accommodations, and consistency. I need to learn how to say no and I'm starting today. I am done doing what I feel will be best for others. That has only ended me up right here. I don't like being here. That is all.

A Venting

Sometimes we focus too much on the things we don't want to happen. The energy put into that creates a manifestation. I have manifested some things in my life that I know I don't want. My state of being right now is pretty depressing. I am realizing how much I truly stress about things present, past, and future.

I have decided that my belly fat is symbolic of the baggage I carry from my past. The reason why I can work my ass out and still have a belly makes no sense to me. I am done with settling for this. This is not who I am. Yet I am hurting from something. What it is, I can't exactly point out. I'm tired.

I am troubled by my behavior. I am troubled by not having the things I want. I am blocking my way with some and others seem like they have to be earned. I guess I'm not sure about what I want so I'm just getting anything. I am upset with myself. I am having a hard time letting go of all the guilt and fear I have held on to for years. Facing it alone seems challenging and I know I'm supposed to let certain people in. I'm afraid to connect. I'm afraid to admit. I'm afraid to try because my past experiences tell me otherwise.

My stomach is completely swollen, fat, and hurting right now. I think this stress must be ended. I'm running off of little sleep. Perhaps I have bitten off more than I can chew. I want to say what I want to say and not give a shit who's listening/reading. How can I be me when I'm worried so much about hurting others?

How do you fall in love with yourself?

I'm not entirely sure of the recipe for this but at least at this point I can say that you know where to start if you've ever been in love with someone else.  I know how I acted toward the people I had fallen in love with.  I know how much time, effort, energy, care, and money I put into it.  Why did it never dawn on me to do those things for myself?

When most of us fall in love for the first time we do stupid things.  We act in strange ways.  All we do is think about that person.  We think, eat, and breathe that person.  I can't say I have ever wanted myself as badly as I wanted someone else but now that I am thinking about it, my desire to be alone could have just been me wanting to give myself a certain kind of love that I knew I couldn't get from anyone else.  Maybe that's why there were so many moments when I thought something wasn't enough.  It was not right of me to expect someone to love me the way I'm supposed to love myself

I am learning so much right now.  It's getting to be a bit overwhelming.  Currently I am struggling to choose me completely right now.  I have cut off CIC and it feels a bit dreadful.  Sorry, not a bit dreadful.  Completely.  I am sad.  I miss my friend.  My friends make it easier to get through this ridiculousness.  I just have to stay focused on running, living, and loving.

Barefoot running = Trusting God

So I ran barefoot for the first time outside today and it was quite interesting. After reading Born To Run by Chris McDougall, I was convinced that god made our bodies with the intent to run and he gave us everything we would need to do it.

I decided I would go minimalist after reading the book and that my Nike Frees would be the only shoe I would ever wear for running aside from some winter shoes. I changed my running form and the way my foot landed. I also made plans to buy some Vibram's Five Finger shoes. It would be many months between reading the book and buying the shoes, which I recently acquired. I ran barefoot on the treadmill a couple times and it felt great. I wasn't ready to run on the ground though.

I sometimes walked home from high school without shoes. There was something about it that felt so freeing. This was pretty nasty to do in the city streets of Chicago but that rebelliousness was apart of what I liked about it. I tried to have that mentality today but instead, I was cautious with every step.

Was is that I was afraid to hurt myself? I didn't trust that my feet would react the way a hand reacts to touching something too hot. Or was it that I didn't trust the ground? The ground is man made so that would make sense but my feet are divine creations and the human body is capable of many things that man might never understand.

I didn't realize until the end of my run that I had issues trusting myself, trusting my instincts. I was second guessing every step. It was only when I didn't think too much about it or when I let my body relax into the walk/run did my feet do what they were designed to do: run! When stepping on sharp or hard objects, the feet naturally adjust. They redistribute weight. They tread lightly as if the kiss the ground.

Don't get me wrong. My feet feel a little funky right now but my calves don't hurt as badly as they did from the vibrams. Most of that also has to do with being more form conscious and not doing too much too soon which is what the toe shoes make you think you can do. My Achilles tendon isn't yelling at me either.

I want to become a better barefoot runner. I want strong feet. I want a natural way of living. I won't give up my Vibrams. I have to disagree with Barefoot Ken Bob on his disdain for them. I think they're great for people who live in the inner cities or cold weather places were running barefoot isn't ideal. I have a feeling though that since he lives in sunny Cal he has no idea of the apprehension and the lack of "pebble" paths city dwellers face. In the city, you never know what's on the ground!

However, I do live in Minnesota now and it's summer time so I do hope to be able to access more nature friendly environments for running. This is yet another thing I will do to keep me spiritually connected to who I am.