Wow, it's been a long time. So much has changed. So much to discuss. So much to update you on. I am going to take a moment to read the last entry and then continue here...
Well, that was interesting. I wonder where this stuff comes from. Sometimes I just go on and on. I have so many deep thoughts about things. I am more present than I have ever been before. Being so present has also caused many beasts who were lying dormant to awaken. What do I want me life to be?
The other day on a layover in LA I had a lot of beer, had a great time, went to sleep drunk, and woke up with a hangover. Before I went to bed that night I had this sneaky feeling. I had this paranoia. I was afraid that I would have a drug and alcohol test and fail. Either that night or the next morning I decided to use to online tools to get an idea of what my blood alcohol level was and what it would be. I calculated that it would take 12 hours for my blood alcohol level to drop from a .1894 to .005. Suffice it to say I was afraid that I had drank so much that my levels would not drop.
I worked two flights the next morning, LAX to MCI, MCI to MSP. As soon as I got to MSP, who was standing on the jetbridge? The effing drug and alcohol guy and the first words out of his mouth were, are you Tracie Williams? FML. I was freaking out. I still felt so hungover and I thought one afternoon of unmemorable partying could cause me to lose my dream job. I texted my tribe and called CIC. Everyone tried to help me think positive thoughts and assured me my 11 beers would not cause me to blow over .005.
Well, the old Tracie would have been heavily distraught during the entire fiasco but for some reason I was just accepting of what was happening at the current moment and going over the things I would have to do in order to continue with my life. Long event short, I blew a 0.000. I was relieved but the stress of the event, which I handled well at the time, left me feeling irresponsible. Am I good flight attendant and a bad employee?
I start yoga teacher training on 10/27 of this year. I became an Employee Assistant Program Chairperson for my work union in the beginning of this month. My dream is happening and I am feeling overwhelmed. I know that we are here to teach what we are here to learn. I learned a huge lesson about what I want and what my actions show. I am held to a higher level. I have to be a resource for people and I can't do that if I can't keep my shit together. The time to to nut up or shut up is now.
I am feeling a little overwhelmed by my spiritual assignment, at least I am today and I was yesterday. I have this amazing tribe in my life who couldn't be more supportive of me. I just have to reach out. I just have to keep loving. That's one of the hardest parts. I didn't want to come to Houston because I didn't want o burden CIC with my sadness and I didn't want to receive his love. But the old me didn't win. I am in Houston now and he has been my best friend. No judgment. No expectations. Just love. Love and space. That's what I needed.
Now it's time to go back to work.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Spiritual Responsibility and Faith Without Work
I am watching a documentary about the spiritual shift of consciousness of 2012 and it has me thinking deeply about our spiritual paths. Whether you are waiting on Jesus or aliens from another planet, your spiritual responsibility is yours and no one else's. I'm not saying anything bad about anyone's faith. I'm just saying, what are you doing in the mean time? Are you just sitting and waiting for someone to save you and everyone else? Do you hide behind your religion or pit your religion against others? Do you practice faith without work?
Attending "chuch" in my preteen years, I saw so many people who sat around waiting on god to turn on the light in there lives. The truth is that the light was never out and that is what god wanted them to realize. People asked for healing but never ask god what his plan was in causing sickness and pain in the first place. The point, in my opinion, was not to understand the will of god but to understand how your circumstance is apart of a divine soul lesson for you. That keeping still was meant to be taken literally. It was meant to surrender to the moment and using stillness to learn your soul lesson so that healing may have a way to find you.
When we remove our power and give it to a system and rely on that system to take care of us, we are being spiritually lazy. While a religious system can provide a foundation of tools and resources for you to use on your journey, in the end your choices on how to live your life are your responsibility. The best example I can give of this are people who harm other people in the name of their religion. There are folk who take beautiful spiritual practices and use them to justify atrocities and injustices toward humanity. A lot of folk blame this and that on a religion but it's not a religion that is responsible. People are responsible.
The best way I can describe faith without work is through a story. I have a friend who likes to tell me a story involving a lesson about faith. There was a great flood warning issued to a town. Most people were making preparations to leave but one man decided not to do anything because he knew that if he prayed and asked god to save him, he wouldn't have anything to worry about. Well, the flood came and at the initial evacuation the man's neighbor offered to the man a ride out of the town. The man refused and said, god is going to save him so the neighbor left. As the waters had risen higher the man had to go the second floor of his house. A boat came pass and the boat driver saw him in the window and offered him a ride. The man thanked the boatman for his offer, refused, and decided to wait on god to save him. The waters got so high and the man now had to reside on the roof of his home for protection. I helicopter came and offered to rescue the man but the man once again refused and was waiting on god to save him. Pretty soon the water had risen so high the man had to swim to survive. He then began to ask god why he didn't save him. God replied to him and said, I sent your neighbor, a boat, and a helicopter.
Do we see the lesson here?
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Another Neck Injury?!?!?
I seem to have injured my neck in yoga practice.
Trying to ask the right questions, I have asked what I can learn from
this even? I already know pain doesn't feel good so that's not what I
am to learn. I use to spend do much time in deep analysis of so many
things when the truth of the matter is always in plain site. Here's how I
hurt my neck...this time.
I was in a yoga class where three new instructors were in training. One of the instructors while giving instructions started to walk backwards in my direction while I was in Chaturanga Dandasana moving into upward facing dog. You can google this for an image. I saw this woman backing into me so I whispered, "hey! Whoa! Whoa! " I then proceeded to bend and extend my back in upward dog to avoid collision.
She finally got the message and stopped herself right before stepping on my mat. As I continued into downward dog, I felt an all too familiar pain in my neck.I immediately took a child's pose and stretched my neck. It was not feeling well. Stupidly though I continued my practice and then went home. It was there that the reality of the situation kicked in: I was seriously hurt and this pain was similar to my turbulence injury. Dammit!
I couldn't move my neck more than 20 degrees in either direction. I
decided to book a visit with a chiropractor. I was upset but I was
trying to figure out the reason this familiar pain resurfaced. It took a
day in a half but I'm finally understanding this. It was so simple to
figure out and I figured it out by five events that I will try to sum up
in five paragraphs.
A text message from the Ex.
I posted, "stupid neck..." on my Facebook status and my ex husband sent a text asking how I was doing. For some reason this immediately made me angry. I thought, "how dare you be concerned about my pain now. You didn't seem concerned when we were married. " Ladies and gentlemen, meet my ego. I am so grateful for the spiritual growth I am having because I was able to catch her before she was unleashed. Instead I figured out she was trying to tell me she was holding to some shit from the past that doesn't serve my present anymore. Guess who told me this? My wonderful ex husband in his text message: "just remember that this is not like your injury and you will be fine in no time." He is one of the most beautiful souls I know and boy does he know me well. So grateful for him. It was time to not only let go of my past but to appreciate all he haf done to support me and show that he cares. He has always cared.
Checking out my body
I told you I could only turn my neck about 20 degrees in either direction. Well, it literally hurt to try to look back at my ass and see if it looked bad in my pants. Was it worth it? Why did I even care what my ass looked like, especially in the situation I was in? I've been accepting my beauty lately. I've been loving my body ad the unique temple that it is. No one can love my body like me and I cam either choose to appreciate it without insecurities or have negative feelings about it. The pain I felt checking out my ass was a reminder that I am no longer concerned with things of those nature and it will only cause me pain.
Looking at someone else's body
This one will be pretty similar to the above two lessons. I use to be much worse than I am now and I know I'm not alone. Women are always checking out other women. We sit there and judge them and ourselves. Even if it's just subconscious. It needs to stop. It's not a behavior I want to continue. I caught myself doing this yesterday and it hurt my neck. It's another friendly reminder that this journey is not about this body. I can pretty only look forward right now which means there is no need to look back. I need to stay focused on what's in front of me and how I feel.
A video about motivation, success, and dreams on Facebook
This was an amazing video. It had powerful words and showed people working out hard-core to reach their dreams. At first my ego didn't care for this for the simple fact that because I am injured the way that I am, I can't do the physical things I want like yoga asanas. I am on bed rest for healing right now. It just hit me now that my yoga practice was focusing too much on body. I was neglecting the mind and soul connection that is so vital to my growth. Sometimes the universe will cause extreme things to happen to get you balanced again. Just because I can't physically practice yoga doesn't mean I have to pause my dreams. I am going to hard on yoga right now because my dream is to be a great yoga instructor. I am here to teach whatbi am here to learn. Yoga can be practiced through injury. I am here to learn this right now so that I may teach it. God is good.
Yoga Sutra Book Two Sutra 1
And now the icing on the cake. Pain is of service to me, to all of us. In the midst of it when it debilitates you it's extremely hard to see this, to feel this, to understand it. From my experience I can tell you that this is absolutely true. Pain is an alert that an issue in your body needs to be addressed. Pain tells you to be careful, use proper form, slow down. I am grateful for this pain. It sounds insane but that is the truth. In the end my pain tells me to look forward, not backwards.
I was in a yoga class where three new instructors were in training. One of the instructors while giving instructions started to walk backwards in my direction while I was in Chaturanga Dandasana moving into upward facing dog. You can google this for an image. I saw this woman backing into me so I whispered, "hey! Whoa! Whoa! " I then proceeded to bend and extend my back in upward dog to avoid collision.
She finally got the message and stopped herself right before stepping on my mat. As I continued into downward dog, I felt an all too familiar pain in my neck.I immediately took a child's pose and stretched my neck. It was not feeling well. Stupidly though I continued my practice and then went home. It was there that the reality of the situation kicked in: I was seriously hurt and this pain was similar to my turbulence injury. Dammit!
A text message from the Ex.
I posted, "stupid neck..." on my Facebook status and my ex husband sent a text asking how I was doing. For some reason this immediately made me angry. I thought, "how dare you be concerned about my pain now. You didn't seem concerned when we were married. " Ladies and gentlemen, meet my ego. I am so grateful for the spiritual growth I am having because I was able to catch her before she was unleashed. Instead I figured out she was trying to tell me she was holding to some shit from the past that doesn't serve my present anymore. Guess who told me this? My wonderful ex husband in his text message: "just remember that this is not like your injury and you will be fine in no time." He is one of the most beautiful souls I know and boy does he know me well. So grateful for him. It was time to not only let go of my past but to appreciate all he haf done to support me and show that he cares. He has always cared.
Checking out my body
I told you I could only turn my neck about 20 degrees in either direction. Well, it literally hurt to try to look back at my ass and see if it looked bad in my pants. Was it worth it? Why did I even care what my ass looked like, especially in the situation I was in? I've been accepting my beauty lately. I've been loving my body ad the unique temple that it is. No one can love my body like me and I cam either choose to appreciate it without insecurities or have negative feelings about it. The pain I felt checking out my ass was a reminder that I am no longer concerned with things of those nature and it will only cause me pain.
Looking at someone else's body
This one will be pretty similar to the above two lessons. I use to be much worse than I am now and I know I'm not alone. Women are always checking out other women. We sit there and judge them and ourselves. Even if it's just subconscious. It needs to stop. It's not a behavior I want to continue. I caught myself doing this yesterday and it hurt my neck. It's another friendly reminder that this journey is not about this body. I can pretty only look forward right now which means there is no need to look back. I need to stay focused on what's in front of me and how I feel.
A video about motivation, success, and dreams on Facebook
This was an amazing video. It had powerful words and showed people working out hard-core to reach their dreams. At first my ego didn't care for this for the simple fact that because I am injured the way that I am, I can't do the physical things I want like yoga asanas. I am on bed rest for healing right now. It just hit me now that my yoga practice was focusing too much on body. I was neglecting the mind and soul connection that is so vital to my growth. Sometimes the universe will cause extreme things to happen to get you balanced again. Just because I can't physically practice yoga doesn't mean I have to pause my dreams. I am going to hard on yoga right now because my dream is to be a great yoga instructor. I am here to teach whatbi am here to learn. Yoga can be practiced through injury. I am here to learn this right now so that I may teach it. God is good.
Yoga Sutra Book Two Sutra 1
And now the icing on the cake. Pain is of service to me, to all of us. In the midst of it when it debilitates you it's extremely hard to see this, to feel this, to understand it. From my experience I can tell you that this is absolutely true. Pain is an alert that an issue in your body needs to be addressed. Pain tells you to be careful, use proper form, slow down. I am grateful for this pain. It sounds insane but that is the truth. In the end my pain tells me to look forward, not backwards.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Not Sure What I'm Feeling
I woke up today with the intent to have an attitude of gratitude. I began being thankful for another day, another opportunity. I focused on my inspiration board. Yet there's no fuel to this fire. I'm not exactly sure where these feelings and thoughts have come from. They don't feel good.
Today I didn't feel like eating. I'm lying in bed right now though I got plenty of rest last night. I feel so sad. I don't want to talk to CIC. I just want to lay here in my room and be sad. I have a choice. My thoughts have so much power. I can channel my energy to positive things. I can claim perfect health.
I just don't feel right. Something is off. I wonder if it's this nuva ring that I'm on. I seriously feel like this emotional outburst came out of left field. Makes no sense especially since I figured out a lot of issues yesterday. Is this stress comforting to me? I don't need it anymore. I can create the things that I want and need.
Why don't I want to do anything? It's only been 29 years. What am I living for? What is my purpose. I know these things. Why don't I want to live in it? I fear there'll be no time for me and what I want. Why wouldn't I want my destiny? Too much work. Why do I want laziness? I wish I never heard the words, I don't feel like it. Thanks mom. I must shake that off.
If I am to do his bidding then there is no choice in the matter. You say use me lord and then you lay around when there's work to be done. Are you sincere? Do you have what it takes? After 40 miles you can no longer say that you can't. Get up and move.
Today I didn't feel like eating. I'm lying in bed right now though I got plenty of rest last night. I feel so sad. I don't want to talk to CIC. I just want to lay here in my room and be sad. I have a choice. My thoughts have so much power. I can channel my energy to positive things. I can claim perfect health.
I just don't feel right. Something is off. I wonder if it's this nuva ring that I'm on. I seriously feel like this emotional outburst came out of left field. Makes no sense especially since I figured out a lot of issues yesterday. Is this stress comforting to me? I don't need it anymore. I can create the things that I want and need.
Why don't I want to do anything? It's only been 29 years. What am I living for? What is my purpose. I know these things. Why don't I want to live in it? I fear there'll be no time for me and what I want. Why wouldn't I want my destiny? Too much work. Why do I want laziness? I wish I never heard the words, I don't feel like it. Thanks mom. I must shake that off.
If I am to do his bidding then there is no choice in the matter. You say use me lord and then you lay around when there's work to be done. Are you sincere? Do you have what it takes? After 40 miles you can no longer say that you can't. Get up and move.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
30 Days of Gratitude
After writing the title of this post I hesitate to write what I originally intended to write as it doesn't seem gracious. I made a 90 day challenge with CIC and to myself to be able to do a handstand. This challenge started on the 3/1. Within the first 2-3 weeks I successfully performed a tripod headstand. I couldn't believe how strong I am. That move was a huge milestone for me.
I cut out added sugar the first 30 days. The current 30 days is 30 days of gratitude. That means that no matter what's happening around me I must be grateful. Everything is working for me not against me. I have to be grateful for how it moves in my life. How I move my life. I've realized how much I didn't appreciate the things that I have. I have so much!!! This has also made me realize some things about my past.
The first time I prepped to do a headstand months ago I cried because the pressure on my head reminded me of my turbulence incident. I have come a long way. It's funny how writing things can bring you to the answers you seek. Something about my life with Carl reminds me of my time with Luis. It makes me want to run away. What discomfort do I feel now? This turbulence incident will keep working on me...
I don't acknowledge how far I've come sometimes. On this path of gratitude I realize that I don't appreciate myself. I don't take time to acknowledge my accomplishments and hard work. I am a better and more loving person everyday yet my ego finds ways to tell me I'm not good enough. What I've done is not enough. And that I don't deserve my blessings because of the terrible things I have done. Then guilt weighs in. Then negative thinking finds its way in.
I am so happy. I had a great day yesterday. The more I appreciate the more I start to give and receive. I have to have more faith. I have to know I am loved I can love. Love. Inspiration. Forgiveness. Truth. Not only do I have to give those things to others but to myself as well. Can I forgive myself for me past? Can I be honest about where I am in life? Where is the line between guilt and self abuse?
I don't want to hurt anyone because I wouldn't want to be hurt. That's what it comes down to. How many times have I been to this place? Is it like holding a forearm plank? Every time I tried to hold to my feelings of doing what's right I give up and drop to the ground? When I know that there is some place inside of me that knows if I tough through this plank. If I just breathe. If I just have faith. If I just stay focused on my intentions (to be strong, happy, fit, free). If I do all that, the reward is so much more than that moment of comfort from the ground.
Is being with CIC holding the plank? Roughing it out through the hard times. Remembering to breathe and be in the moment. Appreciating him, us, and knowing that holding on to us will be greatly rewarding in the future. Is that the part of me that bitched out on Luis? To get through the tough times together. To know that discomfort will lead to success. I feel like falling to the ground to spare his wife, him, and myself any more discomfort.
Or...
Is not being with CIC holding the plank?was falling to the ground seeking comfort by falling into his arms (though not so willingly...) If I hold out until his divorce is official would it be more worth it? More in line with who I am and what I want? Is the feeling of falling to the ground the feeling of his flesh? The comfort of having his flesh rather than waiting for it to be mine?
This is where my confusion lies. Both sides seem sound. But which truth lies within me? And which truth is a lie? It seems so much easier to let him go than stay with him. I've become uncomfortable again. My guilt has run me over. He has been so good to me. He does things for me. He treats me like a queen. He is amazing. I should let that go because those things he agreed to give to someone else.
Does it bother me that his wife doesn't know? Not so much that she doesn't know but that we can't be together because he's not ready for it. If he were ready then things would be moving. I sure know how to pick them. If he died tomorrow no one would know about me as his partner. Just a scandalous mistress. Not even his parents...
Is this just a vacation for him to figure his shit out? The fuck inn I suppose...
I am grateful for being able to write and sort through my emotions. I am grateful for King Cole and his wise wisdom and unconditional love for me.
I cut out added sugar the first 30 days. The current 30 days is 30 days of gratitude. That means that no matter what's happening around me I must be grateful. Everything is working for me not against me. I have to be grateful for how it moves in my life. How I move my life. I've realized how much I didn't appreciate the things that I have. I have so much!!! This has also made me realize some things about my past.
The first time I prepped to do a headstand months ago I cried because the pressure on my head reminded me of my turbulence incident. I have come a long way. It's funny how writing things can bring you to the answers you seek. Something about my life with Carl reminds me of my time with Luis. It makes me want to run away. What discomfort do I feel now? This turbulence incident will keep working on me...
I don't acknowledge how far I've come sometimes. On this path of gratitude I realize that I don't appreciate myself. I don't take time to acknowledge my accomplishments and hard work. I am a better and more loving person everyday yet my ego finds ways to tell me I'm not good enough. What I've done is not enough. And that I don't deserve my blessings because of the terrible things I have done. Then guilt weighs in. Then negative thinking finds its way in.
I am so happy. I had a great day yesterday. The more I appreciate the more I start to give and receive. I have to have more faith. I have to know I am loved I can love. Love. Inspiration. Forgiveness. Truth. Not only do I have to give those things to others but to myself as well. Can I forgive myself for me past? Can I be honest about where I am in life? Where is the line between guilt and self abuse?
I don't want to hurt anyone because I wouldn't want to be hurt. That's what it comes down to. How many times have I been to this place? Is it like holding a forearm plank? Every time I tried to hold to my feelings of doing what's right I give up and drop to the ground? When I know that there is some place inside of me that knows if I tough through this plank. If I just breathe. If I just have faith. If I just stay focused on my intentions (to be strong, happy, fit, free). If I do all that, the reward is so much more than that moment of comfort from the ground.
Is being with CIC holding the plank? Roughing it out through the hard times. Remembering to breathe and be in the moment. Appreciating him, us, and knowing that holding on to us will be greatly rewarding in the future. Is that the part of me that bitched out on Luis? To get through the tough times together. To know that discomfort will lead to success. I feel like falling to the ground to spare his wife, him, and myself any more discomfort.
Or...
Is not being with CIC holding the plank?was falling to the ground seeking comfort by falling into his arms (though not so willingly...) If I hold out until his divorce is official would it be more worth it? More in line with who I am and what I want? Is the feeling of falling to the ground the feeling of his flesh? The comfort of having his flesh rather than waiting for it to be mine?
This is where my confusion lies. Both sides seem sound. But which truth lies within me? And which truth is a lie? It seems so much easier to let him go than stay with him. I've become uncomfortable again. My guilt has run me over. He has been so good to me. He does things for me. He treats me like a queen. He is amazing. I should let that go because those things he agreed to give to someone else.
Does it bother me that his wife doesn't know? Not so much that she doesn't know but that we can't be together because he's not ready for it. If he were ready then things would be moving. I sure know how to pick them. If he died tomorrow no one would know about me as his partner. Just a scandalous mistress. Not even his parents...
Is this just a vacation for him to figure his shit out? The fuck inn I suppose...
I am grateful for being able to write and sort through my emotions. I am grateful for King Cole and his wise wisdom and unconditional love for me.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Worth The Wait
I've had an emotional weekend. I suppose I am at times uncomfortable with my emotions. My family is in dire straights lately and I don't know what to do. I want to help. I don't want to be rejected or used. I do love my family. I don't like their lifestyle.
My stepdad had to get emergency surgery last week. He already has to take dialysis because of scarred kidneys. He somehow contacted a bacterial infection that has him bed ridden. Whatever is causing the bacteria incited the need for back surgery. He is in a lot of pain right now. I've never seen him like this and it was heart breaking. He is a strong and blessed man.
Of course my question is why and I can only come back to ye lifestyle. I helped my sister move some time in December I believe. Her house was out of control and soaked in dust, dirt, and urine from kids and dogs. I put my hands on this and it caused my body to break out very badly. I had a severe allergic reaction to this environment. That same night I went to my mom's house to sleep, but I couldn't sleep.
My mother's house is also a breeding ground for dirt but worse, she has bed bugs in her furniture. They crawled on me and bit me throughout the night. I couldn't sleep. In fact, I was so itchy and drakes out I left my mom's house very early for the airport. I ended up going to CICs house to be taken care of. That environment is no place for children and I worry about my nieces being there.
I haven't told my mom about what happened. My sister has tried to tell her but my mother was unresponsive. The last time I tried to help my family, it didn't go so well. Perhaps my methods are the issue. I feel bad. If something ever happened and I didn't speak up, I would feel worse. My mother. She just either doesn't get it or gets it and is too afraid of her emotions to see what's going on and do something about it.
I came to Chicago to visit my stepdad in the hospital. I only wanted to be here one night. I stayed at Courtney's because I will never sleep at my mother's apartment again. Sunday night my flights cancelled to MSP so I had to stay another night here. I really didn't want to. Especially since my housing options were limited. Staying at Courtney's wasn't bad except for the big tv and pot smoking. Sadly my best option.
Staying at Tiffany's was the only option I had because it was closest to the airport and bug free at the moment. Still kids dirty but not as bad as before. Oh, and my sister has the flu going around and wasn't trying to catch that. I'd take the flu over the bugs though. It's to the point where I don't even want to sit on my mother's couch. Nor did I want to sit my belongs there.
Last time I ended up taking a few bugs with me. I hope I haven't done that this time. I slept with a mask on at my sister's. Didn't breathe that well over there. Somehow I managed to get itchy hands and a few bug bites on me. I did sleep on the blow up bed from my grandmother.
I do want to go there and enjoy my family but they make it hard. My niece had scratches on her back and she casually said it's the bug bites. Something has for to change. They need to know those babies can be taken away if it's known that they are in this environment. Why doesn't anyone see the big picture??
I was not happy yesterday and lost about what to do and why I was still there. I got my soul lessons. My grandmother told me the importance of helping family and also asking for help from family. I have to try again. My race had too me that I can do anything. This is not impossible. I just can't do it alone which is what I tried to do last time. My siblings must support me. We have to do this together.
I was so upset about having to stay another night. This morning a I was leaving my sister's house I saw my brother Cory. He was getting out of a car. He looked sooooo incredibly thin. I haven't seen him that thin since grade school. I called to him, "Co Co!" He didn't recognize it was me at first. When he did he said come here. At first I thought, can't miss my bus but I'm glad I went over.
He gave me a hug. I don't remember the last time I got a hug from my brother. That moment may the entire weekend worth it. And I swear to you he healed me. He sensed my pain and assured me it would be ok like he always does. He will help me. My mother told me one day Cory and I would help her. I think that day has arrived.
My stepdad had to get emergency surgery last week. He already has to take dialysis because of scarred kidneys. He somehow contacted a bacterial infection that has him bed ridden. Whatever is causing the bacteria incited the need for back surgery. He is in a lot of pain right now. I've never seen him like this and it was heart breaking. He is a strong and blessed man.
Of course my question is why and I can only come back to ye lifestyle. I helped my sister move some time in December I believe. Her house was out of control and soaked in dust, dirt, and urine from kids and dogs. I put my hands on this and it caused my body to break out very badly. I had a severe allergic reaction to this environment. That same night I went to my mom's house to sleep, but I couldn't sleep.
My mother's house is also a breeding ground for dirt but worse, she has bed bugs in her furniture. They crawled on me and bit me throughout the night. I couldn't sleep. In fact, I was so itchy and drakes out I left my mom's house very early for the airport. I ended up going to CICs house to be taken care of. That environment is no place for children and I worry about my nieces being there.
I haven't told my mom about what happened. My sister has tried to tell her but my mother was unresponsive. The last time I tried to help my family, it didn't go so well. Perhaps my methods are the issue. I feel bad. If something ever happened and I didn't speak up, I would feel worse. My mother. She just either doesn't get it or gets it and is too afraid of her emotions to see what's going on and do something about it.
I came to Chicago to visit my stepdad in the hospital. I only wanted to be here one night. I stayed at Courtney's because I will never sleep at my mother's apartment again. Sunday night my flights cancelled to MSP so I had to stay another night here. I really didn't want to. Especially since my housing options were limited. Staying at Courtney's wasn't bad except for the big tv and pot smoking. Sadly my best option.
Staying at Tiffany's was the only option I had because it was closest to the airport and bug free at the moment. Still kids dirty but not as bad as before. Oh, and my sister has the flu going around and wasn't trying to catch that. I'd take the flu over the bugs though. It's to the point where I don't even want to sit on my mother's couch. Nor did I want to sit my belongs there.
Last time I ended up taking a few bugs with me. I hope I haven't done that this time. I slept with a mask on at my sister's. Didn't breathe that well over there. Somehow I managed to get itchy hands and a few bug bites on me. I did sleep on the blow up bed from my grandmother.
I do want to go there and enjoy my family but they make it hard. My niece had scratches on her back and she casually said it's the bug bites. Something has for to change. They need to know those babies can be taken away if it's known that they are in this environment. Why doesn't anyone see the big picture??
I was not happy yesterday and lost about what to do and why I was still there. I got my soul lessons. My grandmother told me the importance of helping family and also asking for help from family. I have to try again. My race had too me that I can do anything. This is not impossible. I just can't do it alone which is what I tried to do last time. My siblings must support me. We have to do this together.
I was so upset about having to stay another night. This morning a I was leaving my sister's house I saw my brother Cory. He was getting out of a car. He looked sooooo incredibly thin. I haven't seen him that thin since grade school. I called to him, "Co Co!" He didn't recognize it was me at first. When he did he said come here. At first I thought, can't miss my bus but I'm glad I went over.
He gave me a hug. I don't remember the last time I got a hug from my brother. That moment may the entire weekend worth it. And I swear to you he healed me. He sensed my pain and assured me it would be ok like he always does. He will help me. My mother told me one day Cory and I would help her. I think that day has arrived.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
26 Miles
I wrote this on January11, 2013.
Today is the day. Well, not the day day but the beginning of a day or days. I am on a plane now. I am on my way to the WDW marathon weekend. CIC has joined me for this adventure. I have signed up to run a half marathon, 13.1 miles, and a marathon, 26.2 miles in two days. I want the medals. I want the bling. I want the glory. I thrive for the challenge and push of my body. it excites.
Back in September 2012 I did the Disneyland half marathon to earn my coast to coast medal. I earned a lot more than that in that race. The Fish's dad has colon cancer, as you know, so I decided to dedicate my race to him.
He's an amazing man. A mammoth of a man. He's dedicated his entire life to serving god. He's an inspiration. I channeled him that day. He's a fighter. His sprit is tough and he got me trough those miles. The interesting thing is that we've never exchanged many words. I haven't spent that much earth time with him. I know his soul though. His unconditional love. What he gave me that day, I don't know how to thank him for.
I experienced for the first time what it was like to run for someone else and it was amazing. I PR'd that day, running the fastest race I've ever run at 2:14 (2:24 according to the Disney clock). It truly was an amazing experience. Every time I wanted to slow down or give up I thought about how he hasn't given up on this cancer.
I decided a short time after that race I would find 26 people to contemplate on during my marathon to get me through. As my priorities have been out of order, I have not trained for this run physically in the way that I should. However, with my life changes lately and my focus on mind, body, and soul through yoga, I have trained mentally for a run in a way I have never imagined.
My body has some issues right now such as a core in training, a lower back in recovery, overworked hip flexors, and some kind of crazy stress in my neck and traps causing huge knots. Having a mental and spiritual grounding is what will carry me through with those conditions.
So, the 26. I suppose it's time to make a decision on this. 26 people for 26 miles. I think that I haven't been as strong in my relationships with my friend's and family as I should've been in the past. Nevertheless I know I have their unconditional love and they have mine.
Mile 1, Grandma. The matriarch
Mile 2, Najee. The future
Mile 3, Alora. The beginning of a new Williams woman.
Mile 4, Dionne. If I were half as smart and beautiful as she is when I was her age, I'd be unstoppable.
Mile 5, Kitana. An old soul here to bring light to many lives. She knows too much.
Mile 6, Julia. Another old soul. Perhaps a reincarnate. The only one of my nieces I had the opportunity to see in infancy.
Mile 7, Jonathan. What a mission this kid has taken on. His strength will be needed here.
Mile 8, Raja. My protégée I want so much for him.
Mile 9, Tiffany. She'll always be my best friend in a sense. She's so intelligent. She'll know what I need at this mile.
Mile 10, Courtney. The angel in my life, in my family. Push me baby girl!
Mile 11, Shaheed. At this point in any race I'll need the laughter and nurture only he could provide. Mile 11 kinda sucks but shaheed is shawesome!!
Mile 12, Cory. The confidence to know that I can do it. That everything will work out.
Mile 13, my Mother. For many reasons why that I can't type. I'll save the reasons for the race. I am grateful she took me on.
Mile 14, Pep. My father. I'm blessed to have two. No one will ever understand me like he does.
Mile 15, Dennis. My father. My kindred spirit. What an interesting turn of events in our lives.
Mile 16, Laura. Without her support in my life, I wouldn't be running.
Mile 17, Kara. Pronounced like Car. My best friend. A soul mate. My teacher.
Mile 18, Devin. My sister. Holy yoga!! This is the furthest I've ever run before. I need someone in my head who knows what I say and think before I say it.
Mile 19, Cole. My soul mate. For some reason cole will be running next to me in a yellow t-shirt and very short and tight powder blue shorts with a drink in his hand screaming, "oh lord Jesus its a marathon."
Mile 20, my Chica!!!!!!!! Nough said. =D
Mile 21, Carl. My running coach. My twin.
Mile 22, Sandra Tatum. My second mother. My angel. Thank you!
Mile 23, Michele. No matter how long it's been you have still called me a friend. The original Chica. Thank you.
Mile 24, Grandaddy. The patriarch now and forever.
Mile 25, Aunty. No words can say why.
Mile 26.2, Me. Why? Because I know I can hold myself up after all the love I've been given.
I'm ready. I'm grounded. I'm grateful. I'm loved. I am a runner. I am a marathoner. Let's get it!
Today is the day. Well, not the day day but the beginning of a day or days. I am on a plane now. I am on my way to the WDW marathon weekend. CIC has joined me for this adventure. I have signed up to run a half marathon, 13.1 miles, and a marathon, 26.2 miles in two days. I want the medals. I want the bling. I want the glory. I thrive for the challenge and push of my body. it excites.
Back in September 2012 I did the Disneyland half marathon to earn my coast to coast medal. I earned a lot more than that in that race. The Fish's dad has colon cancer, as you know, so I decided to dedicate my race to him.
He's an amazing man. A mammoth of a man. He's dedicated his entire life to serving god. He's an inspiration. I channeled him that day. He's a fighter. His sprit is tough and he got me trough those miles. The interesting thing is that we've never exchanged many words. I haven't spent that much earth time with him. I know his soul though. His unconditional love. What he gave me that day, I don't know how to thank him for.
I experienced for the first time what it was like to run for someone else and it was amazing. I PR'd that day, running the fastest race I've ever run at 2:14 (2:24 according to the Disney clock). It truly was an amazing experience. Every time I wanted to slow down or give up I thought about how he hasn't given up on this cancer.
I decided a short time after that race I would find 26 people to contemplate on during my marathon to get me through. As my priorities have been out of order, I have not trained for this run physically in the way that I should. However, with my life changes lately and my focus on mind, body, and soul through yoga, I have trained mentally for a run in a way I have never imagined.
My body has some issues right now such as a core in training, a lower back in recovery, overworked hip flexors, and some kind of crazy stress in my neck and traps causing huge knots. Having a mental and spiritual grounding is what will carry me through with those conditions.
So, the 26. I suppose it's time to make a decision on this. 26 people for 26 miles. I think that I haven't been as strong in my relationships with my friend's and family as I should've been in the past. Nevertheless I know I have their unconditional love and they have mine.
Mile 1, Grandma. The matriarch
Mile 2, Najee. The future
Mile 3, Alora. The beginning of a new Williams woman.
Mile 4, Dionne. If I were half as smart and beautiful as she is when I was her age, I'd be unstoppable.
Mile 5, Kitana. An old soul here to bring light to many lives. She knows too much.
Mile 6, Julia. Another old soul. Perhaps a reincarnate. The only one of my nieces I had the opportunity to see in infancy.
Mile 7, Jonathan. What a mission this kid has taken on. His strength will be needed here.
Mile 8, Raja. My protégée I want so much for him.
Mile 9, Tiffany. She'll always be my best friend in a sense. She's so intelligent. She'll know what I need at this mile.
Mile 10, Courtney. The angel in my life, in my family. Push me baby girl!
Mile 11, Shaheed. At this point in any race I'll need the laughter and nurture only he could provide. Mile 11 kinda sucks but shaheed is shawesome!!
Mile 12, Cory. The confidence to know that I can do it. That everything will work out.
Mile 13, my Mother. For many reasons why that I can't type. I'll save the reasons for the race. I am grateful she took me on.
Mile 14, Pep. My father. I'm blessed to have two. No one will ever understand me like he does.
Mile 15, Dennis. My father. My kindred spirit. What an interesting turn of events in our lives.
Mile 16, Laura. Without her support in my life, I wouldn't be running.
Mile 17, Kara. Pronounced like Car. My best friend. A soul mate. My teacher.
Mile 18, Devin. My sister. Holy yoga!! This is the furthest I've ever run before. I need someone in my head who knows what I say and think before I say it.
Mile 19, Cole. My soul mate. For some reason cole will be running next to me in a yellow t-shirt and very short and tight powder blue shorts with a drink in his hand screaming, "oh lord Jesus its a marathon."
Mile 20, my Chica!!!!!!!! Nough said. =D
Mile 21, Carl. My running coach. My twin.
Mile 22, Sandra Tatum. My second mother. My angel. Thank you!
Mile 23, Michele. No matter how long it's been you have still called me a friend. The original Chica. Thank you.
Mile 24, Grandaddy. The patriarch now and forever.
Mile 25, Aunty. No words can say why.
Mile 26.2, Me. Why? Because I know I can hold myself up after all the love I've been given.
I'm ready. I'm grounded. I'm grateful. I'm loved. I am a runner. I am a marathoner. Let's get it!
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