Uber happenings

So CIC isn't a fan of my bus life. It takes too long to get anywhere. I think what bugs him the most is that he lacks certain guarantees such as timelines, trust, and safety. It's an open environment and it's not his style. 

I've risen buses my whole life. It's no big deal to me but it is to him. Now that we live together he's running a campaign to get me off the bus. He's even set up an uber account to ensure I have transpiration that he can trust. I'm in an uber car right now and he's probably tracking me on the app...

I'm grateful he set up uber for me but I wanted to take the bus home because it's cheaper even though it would've taken me a long time to get home. I felt obligated to take uber to make him happy and I am blogging about it because I just had a feeling with CIC I've never had before. 

It's that classic despair I use to experience with Cookie and Devin. Just sad about the situation. I felt like I was being controlled and told what to do. I felt like I was being denied my freedom. I mean, it's really not that serious. It's just a car ride. Maybe it's because he's paying for it. I feel like a child who can't be trusted to take care of herself. 

I loathed him in that moment. I've never felt that way about him...which why I know it wasn't about him. It was about the feelings the situation was giving me which leads me to believe I never felt that way about my exes, just the situation. When I felt the feeling before I arranged the uber ride, I wanted to cry. I seriously started to tear up at the thought of having to use the service. I felt defeated. 

I felt like a burden. I felt like I needed a hand out. Because I had those feelings I made myself order the car in order to get pass them. I know what happens when you let those feelings fester. My independence is important to me. CIC just loves me and feels inclined to keep me safe. And as ly naked in bed warm and quiet I realize that's all CIC wanted. 

 

I'll still have to find a different way to address this uber thing. In the mean time, I'm home. Good night! 

It's the most wonderful time of the year! It's the Fall!

Fall is my favorite season for many reasons.  I'm not going to get too poetic or overtly metaphysical about why I love the Fall. I will just state briefly that I love the ending of things that are necessary for a new beginning. Fall is a great time to let shit go and move on! Below I will list 4 other reasons why the Fall is the best time of the year!

1. The weather is perfect! 

I love a nice chili days and nights that allows you to cuddle under quilts or afghans and drink tea, hot chocolate, or coffee with baileys! I like to wear jackets, sweaters, and boots. I love the cloudy skies, the rain, the keeping the windows open to feel the cool air. 

2. The trees are so beautiful! 

Spring time is my second favorite season but it pales in comparison to the colors of the fall leaves. Varieties of red, yellow, brown, orange, and green are in abundance and the changes are subtle and abrupt. I love the noise of the leaves as the wind dances with trees. It's so picturesque when the leaves fall to the ground. I love walking, running, stomping, and rolling in piles and piles of leaves on the ground. I love the smell of the leaves and earth mixed together. I love it when I see a leaf that I'm drawn to so much that I pick it up and take it with me. I love this dying. I love this stillness. 

3. Fall has the best holidays!

Seriously, Halloween, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, and are the best holidays! Um, I get to get free candy if I dress up in a costume? Sign me up every time! 

I love horror movies, zombie flicks in particular. I love haunted houses and sensible gore. Now, sensible gore sounds like and oxymoron but some movies like Saw in my opinion have gore all wrong. I grew up with a healthy thanksgiving tradition of giving thanks, spending time with family, and eating as much soul food I could fit in my belly that night. Politics aside, in my house, Thanksgiving the best holiday of the year. Labor Day is a great way to recognize the professions that keep the world turning and it's also a great way to get out of school and BBQ! 

4. School starts again after summer break. 

I love school. I always have and it's the reason why I came to earth; I love learning. Learning is the reason we all have come here but I know for me that being a student and teacher in life has been a passion of mine since I was 3. And while most kids I knew dreaded the end of the summer, I was super excited...most years :-P 

Living in Los Angeles has definitely made me long for my favorite season even more. Lucky for me, in my job I can always visit the places that have the best Fall seasons. I'm heading to PDX tonight for Halloween with my babe! I'm going as Melandre from Game of Thrones. Hope you enjoy your Halloween! Just remember, the night is dark and full of terror... Bwahahahaha

Making Decisions and Choices (in my Jill Scott voice)

So much to do. I am near the end of my first yoga teacher training and I was so happy to get to the end but now that I'm here I see there is no end to this. What is god's plan for me? What have we co-conspired for me in this lifetime? I have so many choices to make and I have been dreading making them. I just read something in autobiography of a yogi that might be helpful. When you completely devote your life to god and his work then everything will work out. The power of the universe will move through you and for you. 

I recently thought that I had to make choices about certain things in my life more specifically my career. There are management opportunities at my airline. There are presidential opportunities within AFA. I just finished yoga teacher training and could begin to pursue my yoga career. I could leave all of my responsibilities within AFA and CP and just fly. I could quit my FA job and fall into yoga. I could do yoga and fly. You see my issue here?

I want to make a pro and con list to really sort through these different paths. For right now I'm not doing a good job at being present at work as I just landed in LAX and we're waiting for a gate. To be continued...

Into the Abyss

Here I go again. It's been a long time since I've had such a set back. It truly felt like it came out of nowhere. This time I don't like the way I've made people feel. I don't like the way I've felt. 

I get so deep into this sadness. As I become more open, more aware, I see all the subtleties of it yet I don't feel closer to figuring it out. 

I want the music to stop in my head. I want will power and concentration. My mind is weak and there is too much fear. I say this not to manifest it but to acknowledge what it is. 

There is a party of me that wonders if I will continue to slip into this dark places or the black hole as the Unicorn has dubbed it. I wonder if this is my life. 

  

I don't want to put CIC through this for years and I bet I probably made some promise in these blogs not to do this to him again. Yet here I am. I wonder if this space will get me to stay. If this is just a reaction to too much interaction. Yet yoga is teaching me to respond rather than react. 

I'm not sure. I always handle this so internally. I suppose I don't think anyone will understand. That they won't just let me be. They love me and they don't want to see me hurting. It feels like sadness. 

Wonder if forgiveness will always be there. Be healed. 

Wanderer

Maybe I'm meant to roam. When I want something don't I always want it? Let's think of things I wanted at some point in time but didn't want anymore. 

My ex. 

I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Insert shit in the middle and then boom, I'm done. 

Pork Chops

I really use to love pork chops. Maybe I still do but I don't eat them anymore. 

Chocolate Milk

I drank it for the first few years of grade school and the I just couldn't stand it anymore. 

Marrying Cookie

I wanted to get married to him and there was some initial excitement. All the while there was this sneaky feeling of not really wanting to be married. We all know how that ended. 

Going to California

I swear if one more person asks me if I am excited then I'm going to lose my shit. I finally analyzed why that is:  I'm not excited. In fact, I've dreaded the work that will go into it and I'm hoping that once I'm there something will change in me. The truth is I'm in the same place I was with my marriage. I'm just going through the motions to get things done and in the moment nothing, not even CIC excites me about California. 

Inflight Delights

Right now as I write I am sitting in my jump seat. I obviously can't post this while working so I'll upload it later. It's been a busy day. Started it off by thanking god for my waking.  I then had to poop which turned out to be the first one of two. I then ran about .5 of the .7 miles to the chiropractor for an 0800 appointment. Emily says I did something to by back, my neck was out if sorts, and my sacrum was out of place. She fixed me though. 

I walked from there to trader joes, just about less than a mile. I made an appointment to pick up some boxes for my move next month and bought food for my trip. I went back home to cook and get ready for work. I had grapes and a piece of toast for breakfast. Then I had to poop again. 

The Fish picked me up today.  I bought her flowers from TJs because our mutual best friend told me she was pregnant but he wasn't supposed to tell me. I am soooo happy for her to have this. God is good. She was picking me up to be my union rep during my investigatory meeting. I called in sick three times in the last 12 months of work so I'm due for a "check in/lecture". It was painful and pleasant. Just covered what's written in our work policy (a sucky policy if you ask me). 

I had a to do a line check today for a flight attendant returning to work. Our flight was delayed an hour due to maintenance. I forgot my paperwork so I went back to the crew room to grab it.  My FA to check is from England. She is a sweet woman and the check went well. There was a South African man on the flight who was fond of me. I thought he was just being social but maybe he thought I was hot. The next flight there was also a man who thought I was so beautiful. It was pretty cool. A good feel good moment. 

My hearts started to feel weird earlier and I know it's time to get it checked out. Maybe my blood pressure is high. I'm note sure. Maybe I'm having panic attacks. I don't know. 

The turbulence today is little to be desired. Wasn't able to do full service on my flight. Just offered water and pretzels. 

NEWS FLASH!!

As I was typing this the captain came on the PA and said that instead of heading to MDW we are turning back around to MSP. Pretty sure the passengers thought that was great news. It's just been that kinda busy crazy day for me. 

I'm not sure how the night will end at this point. I think my body, mind, and spirit are yearning for a less eventful life. Something simple where I can ease into the day, run or do yoga, have fruit for breakfast, teach an few yoga classes, have a big lunch and a nap afterwards, do some soul lesson therapy, have a delicious dinner, end the night with a book, movie, or crocheting, and then sleep (maybe get some loving at the end from CIC). 

I think that's the life I want. Obviously that includes travel, singing, dancing, trees, french fries, writing, occasional family visits, fun hair, being held, hugs and kisses, cuddling, great sex, pizza nights, art, Spanish, laughter, crying, and of course learning. 

I wonder when we'll land. This flight went from one hour to two and counting. Sigh...

Look in the sky...it's a bird...it's a plane...no, it's another soul lesson!!!

I didn't go to my mother's house.  I didn't want to.  I wanted to be with CIC.  I had a great time with him.  His energy is so good for me.  Even when I want to push him away his energy evens me out. I want to get use to him being around.

Another issue came up with an apartment lease, this time with my sister.  I sublet an apartment with my sister in Chicago and we followed all the proper procedures.  At some point after the lease was over, my sister stopped paying the rent and now this company is trying to get the money from me.  They have no case, just like that other situation (where my ex boyfriend forged my signature on an apartment lease and didn't pay the rent).  I just want it to be over and done with quickly.  I want justice to be served.  That place had shitty management and now the owner is trying to squeeze something out of me.  The messed up part is that they don't have any paperwork.  None.

I'm going to Bali in December on a spiritual retreat with my mentor Mastin.  I haven't spoken to him in a few years.  He got so busy and well, so did I.  I am excited to finally meet him and have him tell me about myself.  And well, I'd be delighted to tell him about himself too.  This trip is costing around $10,000 but I am not attached to that price. I know this is where I am supposed to be and that god will work it all out.

I am moving to Los Angeles next month.  I am scared.  Everyone keeps asking me if I am excited.  I wouldn't describe this as excitement.  I am moving in with two people that I love but it still bothers me.  There is so much that still needs to be taken care of.  I need to change addresses in so many places.  Better make that list.  Why do I move around so much?

I barely made it out of MCI today in time for my yoga class but I did. I asked god to help me out and he did.  I made a decision to be here.  I am seeing the ability to create become stronger the more I stay focused on what's in front of me.  I have this foolish idea that there won't be any hurdles in the way and  no one to speak against me and try to taint my name as I become famous.  What a silly child I am!  I have to be careful about my circle.  I have to make sure I do everything on the up and up.  My hard work and integrity are going to propel me toward my dreams.  I have to keep god close.  This is my mission and his will.

Soul lessons can be exhausting. It truly is a helpful mentality and blessing to be able to see everything as a soul lesson but damn, lately soul lessons are falling from the sky and I am overwhelmed.  I know this is all preparation, just like Sparkles said.  Everything that I am going through now is preparing me for something.  That's the way it's always been in my life and I suppose in everyone else's lives.  If we just sit back and observe it all we can learn from it, apply it, and release it.