January 11, 2010

The birds and the bees

Yo, yo, yo, yoooo!  What’s good blog?  Bloggin about?  I suppose so.   What’s happening on my end?  Well, I guess Luis and I had “the talk.”  Yes, we talked about sex.  I know that shouldn’t sound like a big deal but lately…I mean, like this year, I don’t think we have had sex.  But long before that, we have been having sex more infrequently.   It’s sad really and this is not normal for Luis and I. 

So what is my problem?  How many times will I ask myself that question in this blog.  Well, I have some ideas.  Stress, depression, feeling unattractive, not feeling aroused, fatigue, marriage, I don’t feel sexi, etc. etc.  I never wanted to be the type of woman who says, not tonight baby, I have a headache or I am too tired or I not in mood, etc. etc. That is not me but that has been the case lately.  I want to sleep when we get in the bed together.  My tummy has been acting up.  I have bad gas everyday.  My neck, body, and head all began to hurt as soon as I get close to Luis or I start to think about sex.

I know that I have been going through some kind of depression lately, I mean, did try to off myself not too long ago.  I am not fully recovered and this I know.  I don’t want to do much these days, not even the things I love doing.  I am discouraged.  I am sad.  I find myself unhappiest when I am at home.  It’s not Luis I am unhappy with; I know it’s me.  I know there is some part of myself I am not happy with and I am going through some changes.  I am trying to find love in my life again.

Work is tiring and stressful at times.  When I get home I just want some time to chill and get work out of my system.  I want to catch up on all the sleep I didn’t get while I was working.  I don’t even want to see a plane fly in the sky.  PTW is probably the most draining part of my job right now.  I am always worried as to whether or not the program is good enough, if we are being successful, am I good enough for the program, etc. What do I save for my husband after I get home tired from work?

I have gained some weight, too much for my taste.  I have gas all the time now, which is a big deal coming from only having gas every blue moon.  I am lactose intolerant or something.  Gross.  I don’t feel attractive.  My body does not look or feel good to me.  What am I doing about that?  Well, I haven’t been working out like I should and I know my lack of exercise contributes to my depression, stress, and lack of energy.   Luis tells me all the time how beautiful, sexy, and cute I am but I have trouble accepting it.  He says, he loves my body but I don’t accept it.  I am working on not being rude to him by saying “no, I am not” all the time.  It’s a work in progress…

Let me say something about my husband.  First of all, I call him Cookie because he is the sweetest person I know and I love cookies.  He is a genuine sweetheart.  He truly cares about me (and a lot of other people though he may deny it).  He constant consideration for me is one of the first qualities that attracted me to him.  He would do anything for me.  He knows me so well.  He is ever patient and understanding.  These reasons and more are why I love him.  I have always, and I ALWAYS, desired my husband sexually.  I desired him sexually pretty much from the beginning, since I met him. 

I tell him he excites my insides.  He starts a fire in me that I can’t put out.  He turned on some horny switch in me and until recently, it has been in the on position since I met him.  I am attracted him.  I think he is sexy, cute, handsome, and smooth.  He knows how to touch me.  He has always known how to touch me.  I have never really had to tell him.  Luis and I could have sex all day.  We will take a break but start right back up.  I am so in love with him. 

I feel un-attracted to him at times.  Mostly when I just see him lying around.  I don’t know why that is.  It’s like, if I don’t’ see him moving I think, gross, get off your ass. I wonder if he feels the same way about me?  Sometimes when he sleeps too long, it turns me off.  I feel like he should find something to do.  It really isn’t healthy to sleep so long unless you are way behind on sleep, which he isn’t.  But none of those things are really a big deal.  I don’t think it’s such a huge problem.  Most of the time, I just don’t feel like having sex and I hate that.  I really hate it….

Before it didn’t take much to get me in the mood but lately, I think, Eeeww, not right now.  I hate feeling this way.  I want it to change.  I miss being horny.  I miss having sex with him.  I miss that connection we use to have and I want it back.  I know some couples have it worse.  I mean, it’s probably been two weeks since we have had sex but by our standards, that is waaaaaay too long.  This needs to change. 

I now one thing, I could use a little romance; something sensual and relaxing.  I know I worry too much and I have to stop that.   I am letting my worries get in the way of my orgasms and that is never cool.  Gonna work it.