Well, I had an argument with my husband today and it was not nice. When are arguments nice? I suppose when you discover something about the other person that is a change for the better. When something deep and touching is revealed. When the truth comes out. Those are good arguments. Productive arguments. I suppose our argument was kind of productive except for the fact that it ended with me storming out of the apartment. I never liked to describe an argument between my husband and I as an argument but more of a discussion or disagreement. A heated debate if you will. I don't like to argue, I like to discuss. I don't mind having opposing sides or disagreeing. And regardless of what anyone else may think, I am not trying to be right or win (boy, haven't I heard that too much in my life). Just because at times I have a good point or a rebuttal, doesn't mean I am trying to win. In fact, I lost today and what a sore loser I am right now.
So, what does this have to do with me being human? Turns out I get jealous. I know, shocking, right? I am in utter disbelief myself. And the person involved doesn't make me feel any better about it. Here is a little background. When I met my husband he had this woman that was/is his best friend. At some point in their "friendship" they became physically intimate, had sex, shared romantic feelings, and he ended up professing his love for her only to be rejected in the worse way: she started dating their mutual friend. When he told this woman he was in love with her, it was at that point I was terribly in love with him. You can imagine the heart ache hearing him say this to me. Well, after time had passed he asked me to be with him and here we are. It wasn't until years later that I told him how all that drama made me feel and wasn't until two weeks ago I decided that I don't think it's inappropriate they remain friends. I had not idea how uncomfortable the whole situation made me feel. And until today I was not going to entertain the idea of that discomfort being actual jealousy.
Now, there is not much this girl has that I want. I mean, I kind of won in that area since I am married to my husband. I am just seriously annoyed by her bitching and moaning, how she would always go to my man when she needed something, and well, there is the whole they fucked thing. When you fuck someone you will alway share an energy with that person, I know this for a fact. And when you have had romantic feelings about someone those thoughts and memories remain in your conscious. I don't feel comfortable with them socializing and having such a dramatic and emotional past together. I suppose that is jealousy? Just read a definition of jealousy and I think I am more emotionally jealous than anything else. Shit, I just don't like it. Their emotional and intimate connection bothers me.
So, what has been done? Well, today, I told him I don't want him to be friends with her. I have never imagined in my life telling my spouse who he can or can't be friends with. I think it's a petty action and that I shouldn't have much say so in that department. It was not easy getting to this conclusion. I wonder what my real reason is. Is it for my well being or his? I don't like them being so close after having that kind of past. Am I afraid something might happen again? That is a good question. I trust my husband. I suppose secretly I thought this woman was just plotting her time with this boyfriend of hers until she saw an opportunity to dive in. Well, that is not true but I am reaching here. I have to have a good reason for wanting this other than to sing to myself, ding dong this wicked bitch is dead! After all the heart ache she put us both through I don't feel like she deserves our friendship. I don't like seeing her sit high and mighty thinking she can hurt people and still get what she wants. Now that feels more like the truth.
I suppose those feelings make me jealous. Jealousy is a common human phenomenon. I have always thought of myself being different from other girls, other people in general. I guess I don't like certain parts of humanity, jealousy being one of them. Yet accepting my humanity is apart of my life's journey and today was a huge step.
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