Billie Holiday sang that song well.
I have always liked to be alone, loved it, preferred it. I have known this my whole life. I have never really cared what anyone else thought about it. I have always been able to do things by myself. I mean, normal things that people like to do with others or could not even imagine doing alone like going to the movies, having dinner at a restaurant, traveling to foreign places, etc. I remember the first time I saw a movie alone. I remember the feeling of being free to just enjoy it. I didn't feel too socially awkward. I will admit that I did wonder if people would think I was weird but those thoughts didn't last for long. It was a wonderful experience that I repeated many times. I love to be alone!
I am the third of seven children so its not like being alone is something I'm use to. I always had my siblings to play with growing up. I even shared a bed with my sisters. I finally got my own bed at ten but my sisters and I still shared the same room. I think it's great to grow up living around other people because you learn so much. I learned to be social in this situation but I never felt like I had to be around my siblings all the time. Sometimes at night, I didn't mind someone being around when I would make monsters from the shadows on the walls. Sometimes I still wonder about the shadows on the walls but not in a scary way. Anywuzzle, it wasn't until college that I finally got a taste of what being alone could truly mean, well, save for my roommate freshmen year and living with my ex. So, my like for loneliness doesn't come from being used to being alone nor from wanting space after living around so many people my whole life. I just like it.
I am grateful for having been raised in such a full house hold. Maybe it is one of the reasons why I know how to be social. I come off as really social to others in the moment but I put no effort into making new relationships. People like me. Hell, some of them fall in love with me. Well, not in the romantic sense (I am too naive to catch shit like that anyway). I mean, they like who I am. They think I am funny and intelligent. They like the sound of my voice and think I have beautiful eyes (been told I got this cat and Egyptian thing going on). People listen to me. They always have. I give good advice and I have an open heart. I am easy to talk to and creative. I have most of the qualities people like. I accept that. Because of these qualities I give off the image that I am a social person. That I like to have friends and hang out and talk on the phone. However, I am quite the opposite. I enjoy quiet time. I would rather stay at home than go out. I am not much for talking on the phone for a long time and I confess to watching my phone ring and not answering...no matter who it is...
I am self-described antisocial but I don't necessarily have a problem getting close to people or getting to know them. I don't suffer from social anxiety. I have no problem talking in front of or to people or taking control of a situation. I have never had a problem putting myself out there in my adulthood and in fact, there are times when I probably should have held back a bit. I like to be honest and forward. I don't care too much for confrontation. I don't mind doing things to please people when at work but outside of that, I could give a shit. I am not a people person, which in my line of work doesn't seem like it would work. Somehow, I am darn good at my job. I offer excellent guest service. I know how to communicate with people. It's a gift from God. Communication has always been important to me. I have always wanted to be able to talk to everyone and I put effort into learning new things about how people communicate everyday. This requires an open heart and mind.
I don't mind a bit of socializing but I can't say that I have put myself in many situations where I had the intention of socializing or making friends. (Lol, I can't even think of a moment in my life where I complained about not having friends.) For example, working at Disney was not for social reasons but I certainly benefitted socially from that experience. Yet as close as I had become to the individuals I met there, I can't say that I talk to any of them on the phone, FB, text, or email regularly if at all (I miss you Ryan Busby).
The same thing goes for Compass. How the hell could I have issues socializing as a flight attendant? I don't. I never entertained the social aspect of this job either but it certainly didn't send me running in the opposite direction. I actually like how this job forces me to be around people. Now when I say force, don't think I don't like to socialize or that dealing with people at work is a chore or anything like that. It's just that I am not sure I would have placed myself into such an environment for socializing. The socializing is a side effect and it's a good one for a person like me. I don't think it's healthy to be alone all the time. I thought that is what I wanted but I realized several years ago that in order to maintain balance as human beings, we need to interact with other human beings. There are only so many soul lessons one can learn on his/her own.
I realized last year that aside from Michele, I have not maintained (I have barely maintained my friendship with her) any relationship for more than five years. My ex was the longest and I cut that shit off. I have reached the five year mark with Luis and boy am I feeling the pressure. I don't have many friends. I mean, there is my Chica and I have known her almost as long as I have known Luis, give a take a couple months yet she is not around me everyday so maybe it's easier to close to her. Same thing with KB. Yeah, that makes sense, right? Whether it was physical distance or figurative distance, I have used distance and a way to distance myself from people, family included. I mentioned in a previous blog about how our souls write the charts for our lives and that we experience certain things to teach us soul lessons (that blog in detail is still to come). Well, I was reading a spiritual booked that stated our families are not really our families. They are just souls who have made an agreement to attach themselves to each other in a lifetime to ensure soul lessons are learned. We are not required to maintain relationships with them, just to learn soul lessons from them. I can not tell you what a relief this was for me. Damn, not even family? Well, that can be explained in another blog.
Oh, look at little miss independent. Ha! Maybe this thirst of mine is one of my biggest soul lessons. I have always been independent. Miss I-can-do-it-by-myself. I don't need or want help. I was never big on group work in school. Yeah, me who loves everything about education. I hated that part of class. I certainly didn't want to rely on other people to get the task done, especially since most people were dumb and had a terrible work ethic. I dealt with it though. As I got older I began to appreciate teamwork a lot more. I began to welcome the ideas of others and looked forward to gaining a new perspective on things. I don't mind it much now. However, I still would prefer to work alone, no matter what the task. Several years ago when I was breaking up with my ex, I needed help, some serious help. There was finally something I couldn't do on my own. It was so hard for me to reach out yet I am grateful I had done so. It taught me the strength of keeping family ties and accepting that I can't do this alone. I will never abandon my independence yet I am learning how to depend on God and people more.
This brings us all the reason why I blog today. Last night I confessed a revelation I had to my husband: I am not sure I want to be with anybody. Wow...yeah...really? Shit! Those are some strong ass words, especially considering the fact that YOU FUCKING PROMISED TO BE WITH YOUR HUSBAND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!! You are an idiot. Here is the funny part, you knew you didn't want to get married. You were never excited about it. You knew you loved being with him and you encouraged yourself not to think about it, just go with the feeling. Sorry, had a moment of talking to myself there. So yeah, I fucked up. Big time. I feel so trapped and obligated being married. I don't like that. I want to feel free!
To make matters worse, my husband doesn't give me much reason to not want to be with him. I have described the kind of soul he is many times in this blog. He is sooo good to me and for me. Yet, I slapped him in the face last night telling him that I don't like living with him, that I want more time alone. I mean, normally I can balance it out by just going into another room. In fact, he loves me so much that he accommodates my loneliness every chance he gets. He knows how I am. He is kinda the same but I am way more extreme on the loneliness thing. I warned him many many times about my loneliness. I asked him not to take it personally, it's just want I like to do. He has always been ok with that and wouldn't have married me if he wasn't. What I didn't see coming was treating him the same way I treated my ex toward the end of that relationship. The really sad part is that my husband is the exact opposite of my ex and has not given me much of a reason to be so repelled by him.
So, I am a freak. Well, am I? Of course I got up this morning to consult the wise google. Heh, ironically to see if I was alone in how I felt. Turns out there are tons or people like me. Well, that was comforting for a few minutes but I didn't find what I was truly seeking. It wasn't so much as finding out that my feelings are normal but rather the reason why I feel the way I do. Last night I thought maybe it has something to do with a past life of mine (yes, I believe in reincarnation of the soul). I thought, well, maybe I can make an astral trip to figure that out but making those trips and visually recalling them is not easy. You kinda just wake up and realize you have the answer. Stay with me people, this is once again in reference to life charts our souls write before we come here. Anywho, I am thinking however that is just a big soul lesson and I must have the materials I need to learn this lesson readily available so the astral trip might not be necessary. The reson may simply be that I need to learn commitment, to get deeper into loving others, or deeper into unconditional loving. I know I am learning those lessons now but I didn't expect Luis to be affected greatly.
I looked up the definition of loneliness and all of it was about a longing for someone or something. It was all very negative. That is not how my loneliness is. Mine is positive. My loneliness is freedom. I suppose I am using the word out of context a bit but everything that comes with loneliness, I like. Why is it that society says you have to be with someone? People get so trapped into that race they get severely depressed. They do desperate things to be around people. They seem socially awkward. I don't know what that is like. Sure, I have wanted someone romantically but I never thought, when will it happen? Now you could say it's because I always had someone but I never went looking. It just fell on my lap. I am not afraid of getting hurt. I don't think I am. I understand the risks of making relationships. There is a risk that they can be broken as easily as they are made yet with much tougher repercussions. I have never really been dumped before but I don't think being dumped will have me moping around for a long time. In conclusion there is not serious analysis of why loners like to be alone that speaks to me. Everything ends up saying the person has social anxiety. People who are loners tend to come to the conclusion that they like to be alone on their own. No one has to tell them.
You know I love a challenge. I like to make myself do things that I don't like just to get use to the feeling. Just to say it didn't beat me. My ex told me the reason I left him was because I had commitment issues. Ha! Wait until I prove you wrong buddy! I can be with someone, just not with yo stank ass. And that is what I did: found someone who is completely not him. Well, would you look-a-ther, I somehow got myself in the same position. Why did I disconnect from Luis? Am I afraid of being disappointed in something? Hurt by his short comings? Why do I judge him so harshly? Why am I waiting for him to get upset and scream, I AM NOT TAKING THIS SHIT FROM YOU ANYMORE!?
I don't want a divorce. Divorce is not really an option for me unless Luis is terribly unhappy. My thirst for loneliness has pushed him away to try to get him to be unhappy. This hurts me. I don't like the way my feelings make him feel. I rarely want to talk to him or touch him. When he walks in the room, I feel so heavy and upset. Sometimes I try to force myself to be normal but it doesn't last. I have always only been able to show him the real me. I can't lie to him. Realizing last night that I am treating him this way because he is present really hurt us both. I am not happy at home.
I never thought my loneliness would hurt someone. I thought I could do this. I thought I would be ok with him being around when I wanted to be alone. I was for a while. The uniqueness of our relationship plays a role. We use to live in two different countries. When I was on leave from work do to My Injury, I spent those most consecutive days with him than ever before. Day in a day out seeing him was too much for me. I slowly and slowly began to withdraw from him and yearned for the day I could go back to work. It was too much. I was curious as to whether or not the distance of this relationship is what made it work so well. I definitely think it helps me with the loneliness thing.
Oh, but wait, there's more! This is the juicy part. I don't want to leave him. I still want to be with him. I still can't sleep without him. I still love him. I know those feelings are still there. He is still my best friend. I do feel like maybe I would die without him. Wtf kind of eff'd up shit is this!?!?!? Make up your mind, you want to be with him or you don't. I certainly act like I don't. I push him away. But if he actually left me, I would be miserable. I have decided I need to seek psychiatric help to get through this. I am really struggling right now. Confessing these things to him have not changed much. Now he just knows why I have been acting this way. I need help. I don't know what is the right thing to do for us. I can't believe I am blogging about this but that is the point of this blog. This blog is about my soul lessons and at some point I hope that someone else out there could benefit from the journey of my soul and that is why I share this blog.
God bless
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