Blogging to blog. I am kinda bored right now. I am in The Fish's tank right now. I have been swimming around in here all week. I called in sick for one of my trips which I haven't done in over a year. I had a cold (kinda still here) and I will admit to being peer pressured into calling in sick. I am glad I did though. I am scheduled for 100 hours this month and not looking forward to it. I suppose I created that. I am definitely ready to sleep in my own bed, even if it's for one night. Speaking of my bed...
I don't miss my husband much these days when I am away from home. I like to get the break. I think that he is finally coming around to realizing some things about his life and that makes me happy. Realization with action however is what would be better. I think that is coming too. I have a feeling things are going to turn around with us. I am not sure where they are going to turn but it will be a quick turning.
Now although I just mentioned not missing him much when I am away, there are times when I am away from him that I want to be next to him. I want to hear him and smell him. I also occasionally think about having sex with him. It is a strange thing because I have had these thoughts within minutes of seeing yet when I see him, these thoughts just fade. They go away completely or I just go, eh, not today or maybe ever.
What is really my issue here? I am not exactly sure. I asked him what he wanted from me and he said my friendship. Made me feel like an asshole to think that I haven't even been there for him as a friend. He has been kind to me and still sweet. He does me favors. He helps whenever I ask and he never complains. Yet I am not that way with him. Maybe that is why I am upset toward him all the time. He is capable of something I am not: loving me unconditionally.
I think about unconditional love a lot lately. I wonder if it's even possible for us humans. I mean, that is what God wants us to really understand. And as soon as I think I have arrived at some point of unconditional love, something happens in the relationship that seems conditional, at least to my ego. A good example of that would be the relationship I have with The Fish. Sometimes it seems like we can be just so free with each but then there are times when I know to keep my mouth shut which in the past was for fear of judgement but now it's mostly to keep the peace. I feel like she only knows one side of me.
I haven't had many friends who I have shown myself to completely. In fact, I would say Chica and my husband right now are the only two people who know who I am. My ex had some idea but he has missed out on the evolution of my soul and thank goodness! Sometimes I think about letting The Fish in but then I fear maybe she is not ready. She is still too judgmental and is slowly letting go of some that as she takes risks in her life. She has been too hard on herself her entire life and she has projected that onto what she thinks, feels and how she treats other people. I am guilty of having done the same thing to that extreme at some point in my life. However, I realize now how so much more freeing my life is without being concerned with what other people have going on. Attempting to love unconditionally.
Yet it seems I have set up some conditions for my husband that I even excuse in people who mean much less to me. I guess I feel I have more stake in his soul's journey than that of other people's. It is so interesting how I come here to blog and blogging just answers my questions or helps me to figure out the real issue. Yet, even when I do find the answer or know how I should behave, I seem to be lacking enthusiasm. It's like Solution (Soulution): Love husband Unconditionally. Oh, ok, cool. Then I do it and it's lack luster. I can decide to be happy about it but it always seems so fake when I do that. What will it take to get the excitement back? Why doesn't he excite me anymore? Did he ever? Was I in love with his country and circumstance? Did he create that I was in love with the idea of him and not actually who he is (he would say over and over again that I didn't love him, just only the idea of him)? I know that is not true. It has always been him. Just him.
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