Konichi wa

Pretty sure I might have had that blog title before but the difference this time is that I'm in Okinawa bitches!!! Hehe, ok. That was a but intense but I'm in Japan!!!!!!!!! It's sooo amazing.

Yesterday I left the states for Japan. I flew from MSP to JFK and then JFK to NRT. That was a total of 16 hours flying. After that, I tagged three more hours on there to go from NRT to OKA. I am staying with Chica's mom who works here at the USA air force base. I am sooo grateful for her hospitality.

I am so wonderfully blessed!!! I will stay here for a few days and then head to Tokyo to spend a few days with an old Disney friend. My birthday is in four days!!! I am turning 28. What does that mean???

I met a 20 year old who said, how can you rock out to Metallica? Yes, those were his exact words. Now I know I am only 8 years older than this kid but he made me feel old when he said that. He said he can only get into techno music and that Metallica doesn't have a beat. What???? I worry about the next generation if they need a song to have a consistent base beat in order for it to be real music. Obviously this kid doesn't know any other good music. Not to say his beats aren't good but music has so many layers. It's not just the beat. It's the lyrics. It's the story. It's the rhythm. It's the emotion. It's the movement. It's the dancing. It's the energy. It's the decade. I could go on and on. The point is that I couldn't identify much with this young man and it made me feel my age.

I'm excited to turn 28 in another country. This the birthday I wanted when I turned 25 but I let my feelings for my husband lead me to his country for what turned out to be a failed birthday visit. Saying that brings up a bit of the emotion around how that day went down which alerts me to more weight that I can let go of.

I have been reading some deep spiritual things (surprise surprise) and I am discovering more and more baggage that I can drop off. I don't have to wear my scars. I don't have to let those things determine my walk or how I breathe. I was just reading the book about how centering my breathing can help me stay in my now. I always knew that focused breathing was good for you but this book explained it well to me for the first time.

It's like you are sitting drinking a cup of tea supposedly enjoying the moment but what you're really doing most of the time is not drinking the tea. You are thinking of some past or future event or obligation. To really be in the moment means to just drink the tea and breathe. Sounds simple but it's not easy to do at first. I have always wanted to shut my mind off and this seems to be a sure method.

I try my best to be present during my runs. I focus on running and all that goes into it which is breathing, posture, foot strike and roll, arm movement, direction, the path, the terrain, pace, time and so much more. I have found that when I don't focus on running I bang my foot into something, miss a turn, get stopped by something, lose form, breathe incorrectly, or almost trip and fall. It's the universes way of saying, "Hey! Pay attention." And those things definitely get my attention.

When I am focused on my run, the path is always open. I never worry about cars, traffic lights, dead ends or forks in the road. I know that if I want to run and focus on just that, the path will be open to me. When I am paying attention, I see the openings. I feel the universe saying cross here, turn here, wait at this corner, etc. It's such a powerful experience! I feel so strong.

I was just telling cic the other day about how the philosophies we learn and use during running can be used in our everyday life. If you can run, you can a accomplish anything. Yes you will be faced with challenges and learning how to run is a task of patience and determination.

I didn't know how to breathe when I started running. I was breathing all wrong. Now I have so much more control over my breathing. I can even run without exhaling through my mouth for a while. I know when to push it and when to take it easy. However, after reading that book I mentioned earlier, I discovered that I can tune in more to my breathing and running than I am. That's exciting. It's work but it's work that makes you better!

Funny I'm here in Japan and I am more geeked about running in this moment than anything else, lol. I just think its fucking cool that I went running in Japan!!!

If loving you is wrong, I don't want to be right

That song is sang with such passion that makes one want to accept that the wrong kind of love is ok if it's executed with such deep passion and seduction.

The truth is that it's wrong and doing the right thing in the end feels way better than the wrong thing. Also, the wrong thing is so much easier do. Sometimes the right thing takes work. It takes commitment. It takes personal sacrifice. It runs one the risk of feeling hurt feelings.

I always say I'm not afraid to hurt because I know with pain comes growth and more love. Yet at times my actions tell otherwise. I often act out of fear. These days however I'm more afraid of being my authentic self than pain because I know how awesome I am now and I still struggle with my worthiness of so much love and awesomeness.

I know my actions weren't in the best interest of my soul's growth. I knew it was something I setup to further delay my destiny. Once again thinking, I'm not good enough for my awesomeness and blessings and here's the proof.

Earlier he said something to me that I didn't like. He said, not everything that happens to me is in my control and that I shouldn't be so hard on myself. Obviously we don't share the same beliefs so initially my ego rejected such info while my soul placed it on the back burner.

Since I believe in the power of creation and that with god's help and permission we build the lives we want here, I know that I control some things to a certain extent. Of course ultimate power belongs to god/the universe. Yet cic was right, I don't have to always carry the weight of all that happens to me with me and let it weigh me down. I need to let some shit go and roll off.

He taught me so many things. I will miss parts of him I can no longer have. He would have been a great friend to me. The truth is that friends don't do things to hinder each other's lives (sometimes however your friends are used as instruments in your soul symphony). I was holding him back for a moment of easiness. I am sad to lose some of what we had but sooooo elated for our souls to advance :-)

Be careful what you wish for

Oh, how the power to create has really shown up in my life! Seriously, anything I want I can have. And what have I wanted more than anything else it seems? A solution to this marriage thing.

I had written a blog about how you have to be specific about what you want from The Universe and how you can get lost in translation because if all the noise in your life. One way or another, I've managed to run my husband out of my space. This was much harder to handle than I previously thought.

Watching him leave brought out so many emotions. I don't know how long he'll be gone. I have time to myself. The air feels liter. Yet it's a bit scary and lonely. It's exciting and frightening. This time apart is the true test. I asked for this. I created it.

Feeling low

Well, I've done it again. I am blocking. I am challenging. I had a phone conference with Mastin tonight through love university and somehow I managed to create road blocks, procrastination, and running around to prevent my presence there.

I want to cry. I want to bleed it out. I am tired of this chaos. Part of me likes it. Maybe because if I keep moving I won't have time to feel alive.