Why did I dislike feeling good for so long?

Pleasure. It makes me feel alive. Feeling good makes me feel alive. My friends make me feel alive. Love makes me feel alive. I fear getting accustomed to it; it is not safe. Because it can be torn away. Or I'll experience hurt when I don't receive it. I tell myself quite often, don't have too much fun. Don't enjoy this. Don't be here in this moment because it feels good. What will happen if I let go? Nothing that I didn't create. The point is to let go and let god. Trust to hope.