Saturday, October 13, 2012
Endings are beginnings
Well, once again I've decided to call things off with CIC but this time for a better reason. After having a long talk with my dad, I realize that I have to do things that serve my spirit and while I had an intense connection with CIC, it's not worth hurting someone or stealing from someone else. I suppose marriage make your someone's property and that's what I was doing.
Boy have I been a tornado in this man's life. We started as just friends and then we became adulterers. I love him in a way I have never loved anyone before and I know I never will. It has been a huge test to resist what my heart wants. What my flesh wants. What my mind wants. This is good for us. Especially him. The last thing I ever wanted was for his reputation or mine to suffer or for him to have to deal with a more fucked up situation than he already has.
He is a seasoned cheater and his wife does not seem to show any signs of being aware of his treachery. If she found out, she would drag him through the mud and I can't say it would be any less than he deserved. Either way, it's not my business. I must let him do this on his own. If he wants to be single then he must began to live in his truth. I can not help him do it in any other way.
If we can't be together in this lifetime then I must come to terms with that. The amazing thing is that he's always been in my heart. I've always loved him and I will continue to do so. I know why we have chosen to find each other and I am settling into my spiritual mission and bringing myself closer to the divine creator. A standard has been set and I know I can't ever accept anything less. I was treated like a queen by him and that wasn't even on full time. I will never ever accept anything less than this treatment from any man. The thing is I don't want any man.
I also find it interesting that I find it easier to walk away than to be with him. I am afraid to be with him because of how good it feels. How great it would be. I am afraid to commit once again. Why? I think my heart is tender. It's afraid of the risk involved. I am afraid of being not just tied to anyone but to someone I actually want to give love to. I don't think I've ever wanted to give love like this before.
I know I am being hard on myself about feeling like I don't give love enough. That is simply not true. I have given love before and I have been hurt because I expected some things in return that I did not receive. I have an abundance of love to give and my tribe feels loved by me. I feel undeserving. Why? The ego says it's not good enough. She would have me protect my heart rather than open it. Well, I choose to open it.
I have so much to heal from still. I also want to be single for three years. That number sticks out in my mind. I'm afraid to live. I can't be attached right now and if being with someone is something I'm interested in, it can't be someone who is married. It's very possible that before the month is over I will be divorced. Right now that thought stresses me out and makes me feel nauseated. Marriage, though, is something I don't want in my life right now and I am 100% percent ok with that. It's just a bit stressful.
I do hope my future ex husband will be well. I wish him all the best. We got into a ridiculous argument and I've been staying at the Fish bowl. I am ready to go home though. I feel like I am running away and that's not something I want to do anymore. Plus I need to be in my own space. I am happy that my friends have a place for me and I am grateful.
I want to face my problems. I want to be centered and grounded. I want to love and be loved. I want to learn and teach. I want to make my dreams a reality. I want success. I want yoga an running. I want travel. I want my own space. These things I must create.
Boy have I been a tornado in this man's life. We started as just friends and then we became adulterers. I love him in a way I have never loved anyone before and I know I never will. It has been a huge test to resist what my heart wants. What my flesh wants. What my mind wants. This is good for us. Especially him. The last thing I ever wanted was for his reputation or mine to suffer or for him to have to deal with a more fucked up situation than he already has.
He is a seasoned cheater and his wife does not seem to show any signs of being aware of his treachery. If she found out, she would drag him through the mud and I can't say it would be any less than he deserved. Either way, it's not my business. I must let him do this on his own. If he wants to be single then he must began to live in his truth. I can not help him do it in any other way.
If we can't be together in this lifetime then I must come to terms with that. The amazing thing is that he's always been in my heart. I've always loved him and I will continue to do so. I know why we have chosen to find each other and I am settling into my spiritual mission and bringing myself closer to the divine creator. A standard has been set and I know I can't ever accept anything less. I was treated like a queen by him and that wasn't even on full time. I will never ever accept anything less than this treatment from any man. The thing is I don't want any man.
I also find it interesting that I find it easier to walk away than to be with him. I am afraid to be with him because of how good it feels. How great it would be. I am afraid to commit once again. Why? I think my heart is tender. It's afraid of the risk involved. I am afraid of being not just tied to anyone but to someone I actually want to give love to. I don't think I've ever wanted to give love like this before.
I know I am being hard on myself about feeling like I don't give love enough. That is simply not true. I have given love before and I have been hurt because I expected some things in return that I did not receive. I have an abundance of love to give and my tribe feels loved by me. I feel undeserving. Why? The ego says it's not good enough. She would have me protect my heart rather than open it. Well, I choose to open it.
I have so much to heal from still. I also want to be single for three years. That number sticks out in my mind. I'm afraid to live. I can't be attached right now and if being with someone is something I'm interested in, it can't be someone who is married. It's very possible that before the month is over I will be divorced. Right now that thought stresses me out and makes me feel nauseated. Marriage, though, is something I don't want in my life right now and I am 100% percent ok with that. It's just a bit stressful.
I do hope my future ex husband will be well. I wish him all the best. We got into a ridiculous argument and I've been staying at the Fish bowl. I am ready to go home though. I feel like I am running away and that's not something I want to do anymore. Plus I need to be in my own space. I am happy that my friends have a place for me and I am grateful.
I want to face my problems. I want to be centered and grounded. I want to love and be loved. I want to learn and teach. I want to make my dreams a reality. I want success. I want yoga an running. I want travel. I want my own space. These things I must create.
Friday, October 5, 2012
The Rules I Have Broken According To My Father
Theft. Lying. Adultery. Misappropriation (because I'm not average). The fact that I can make someone feel the way that he feels is what I like the most. He's getting more from this. Peace. God. Honor. Dignity. Respect. All these things make me look into the mirror into who I am. I have power to help people on a daily basis. I am able to get rid of my conviction because of my power. I'm not growing. I'm holding myself still. I'm not learning. I'm not teaching. I'm holding myself still. And this is the worse thing. I'm his daughter. We are spiritually connected. He brought me here. I should know. He wants me to have my own. I must leave my twin soul at this time in this life.
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