Endings are beginnings

Well, once again I've decided to call things off with CIC but this time for a better reason. After having a long talk with my dad, I realize that I have to do things that serve my spirit and while I had an intense connection with CIC, it's not worth hurting someone or stealing from someone else. I suppose marriage make your someone's property and that's what I was doing.

Boy have I been a tornado in this man's life. We started as just friends and then we became adulterers. I love him in a way I have never loved anyone before and I know I never will. It has been a huge test to resist what my heart wants. What my flesh wants. What my mind wants. This is good for us. Especially him. The last thing I ever wanted was for his reputation or mine to suffer or for him to have to deal with a more fucked up situation than he already has.

He is a seasoned cheater and his wife does not seem to show any signs of being aware of his treachery. If she found out, she would drag him through the mud and I can't say it would be any less than he deserved. Either way, it's not my business. I must let him do this on his own. If he wants to be single then he must began to live in his truth. I can not help him do it in any other way.

If we can't be together in this lifetime then I must come to terms with that. The amazing thing is that he's always been in my heart. I've always loved him and I will continue to do so. I know why we have chosen to find each other and I am settling into my spiritual mission and bringing myself closer to the divine creator. A standard has been set and I know I can't ever accept anything less. I was treated like a queen by him and that wasn't even on full time. I will never ever accept anything less than this treatment from any man. The thing is I don't want any man.

I also find it interesting that I find it easier to walk away than to be with him. I am afraid to be with him because of how good it feels. How great it would be. I am afraid to commit once again. Why? I think my heart is tender. It's afraid of the risk involved. I am afraid of being not just tied to anyone but to someone I actually want to give love to. I don't think I've ever wanted to give love like this before.

I know I am being hard on myself about feeling like I don't give love enough. That is simply not true. I have given love before and I have been hurt because I expected some things in return that I did not receive. I have an abundance of love to give and my tribe feels loved by me. I feel undeserving. Why? The ego says it's not good enough. She would have me protect my heart rather than open it. Well, I choose to open it.

I have so much to heal from still. I also want to be single for three years. That number sticks out in my mind. I'm afraid to live. I can't be attached right now and if being with someone is something I'm interested in, it can't be someone who is married. It's very possible that before the month is over I will be divorced. Right now that thought stresses me out and makes me feel nauseated. Marriage, though, is something I don't want in my life right now and I am 100% percent ok with that. It's just a bit stressful.

I do hope my future ex husband will be well. I wish him all the best. We got into a ridiculous argument and I've been staying at the Fish bowl. I am ready to go home though. I feel like I am running away and that's not something I want to do anymore. Plus I need to be in my own space. I am happy that my friends have a place for me and I am grateful.

I want to face my problems. I want to be centered and grounded. I want to love and be loved. I want to learn and teach. I want to make my dreams a reality. I want success. I want yoga an running. I want travel. I want my own space. These things I must create.