Well, I'm out of work again. This body at this time does not qualify to be in service as a flight attendant.
Currently I have been experiencing the following:
Debilitating Low Back Pain: Manifested on 4/15 around 1700 CT
I was sitting on my couch and when I went to get up my low back pulled me back down on the couch. I sat for some time and the pain got progressively worse. I have been going to the chiropractor, meditating, eating clean (about 80% of the time), applying ice, stretching, walking, taking pain medicine.
The chiro has been pretty helpful. Meditation has kept me grounded and connected (I think). I have been eating clean to hopefully give my body the nutritional assistance that it needs. That include trying to add kale (apparently amazing amounts of vitamin K and A, something Dr. E (my chiro) said that I need to combat my hormonal issues. I have been applying ice instead of heat so as not to aggravate any inflammation. I started doing some light stretching but no intense yoga. This body isn't ready. I can't walk for too long, I'd say maybe a third of a mile before it begin to hurt.
I was taking ibuprofen and my body has rejected it. On 4/21 The Fish came to see me and she had to take me to the ER. I was eating a wonderful dinner and all of a sudden my upper stomach started to hurt. This pain spread to my chest, jaws, shoulders, and right arm in a way that didn't feel like heartburn. After a trip to the ER it turns out it was kinda related to heartburn. I had been taking enough ibuprofen (1-3 600mg tablets a day) to cause these symptoms to come about. So I stopped taking the drugs. Just like my turbulence injury; no more numbing the issue. It's time to face it.
Vertigo: A re-manifestation on 4/22 during sex with CIC
Boy did I really want him. I had my worries about my back but I knew he was going to be gentle with me. Sex felt good. It was sexy and tender. Yes, I was slightly stressed but I didn't think I did it enough to cause vertigo. Why won't I connect with him? Why won't I just let go during sex? Too much in my mind and not in the now. I fear that after a while he won't want me because I can't perform sexually. I know this is not true.
Of course vertigo comes with nausea, extreme dizziness and an upset stomach. I have an exercise to do. I had a thought earlier that I should just let the vertigo come. Let it do it's thing. Get it all over with.
I just read this on the internet: We must treat it (our body) as a manifestation of God, meaning with respect, love, and care.
Do I respect, love, and care for my body? Yes. I feed it well for the most part. I have been listening to it now more than ever. Of course I care for it. More than I have ever cared for it before. I am respecting where it is and hoping it will be in a place of groundedness and strength and sexiness and love. I am doing this. This makes me cry and feel guilt. This is my issue with the spirituality aspect of it. My ego feels so bad so every little thing that seems to go wrong. But nothing it is wrong, right? It's a struggle. It's a painful struggle. I realize this about life. What could I let go of? Control. What could I find more space for? Surrender. There is somewhere I am supposed to go.
I think I am so scared. I am so scared. Who else knows what this feels like? Did any of the greats feel this way? Ghandi? King?
Another great question: What is going on inside of my consciousness that is prompting me to manifest a sick body?
That is probably one of the heaviest questions I have read in a long time. There is something right now that doesn't resonate with my being. Is it CIC? It never has been. Sometimes I wish it was. It would make things so much easier. Surrendering to our love has been an issue for me since the beginning. I will let that go. But why did the vertigo come on while we were having sex? I didn't trust him to be gentle with me. I didn't trust me to let myself enjoy it. I was stressed about not cumming and cumming. I am afraid that if I don't feel like having sex he will not want me. None of this is true.
I am in the middle of yoga teacher training. It's a tough year long process. I am afraid to teach. I know how great I will be at it. I don't say this pretentiously. I say it as an inner knowing. I just know I have to put in the work to learn which means "making mistakes" which is in quotation because nothing is a mistake. Everything is an opportunity to learn.
My own question: What am I learning about myself during this opportune time?
I fear looking weak to others. I fear letting others and myself down. I know that I have let myself down for a long time. Perfectionism is still there. I have not pursued my mission in some ways because I am waiting to be ready. How could I be more ready than right now? I am ready. I always have been.
Second internet question: What am I trying to tell myself?
Be literal and detach. How do I treat my symptoms? I need rest and relaxation. I need to have access to the outdoors and trees. I need to move my body gently. I need to release judgment about my body and the things it supposedly can and can't do. If nothing is impossible with God, why do you worry child? It's like I feel like I will lose myself if I don't worry. Is there a healthy way for me to worry? I don't think so. It hurts. Worrying never solved a problem. Maybe I should start asking myself what I can do to help and leave the rest to god. Wow. That makes me want to cry harder because it's like I am losing faith in his plan. Like I want shit to run on my clock. So many angels (angles). I need to let go.
And here I am wanting to fix it all so that I can move forward. Ready for more questions: How is this illness altering my life? What am I unable to do now hat I was doing before?
I can't perform the physical tasks needed to be a flight attendant. I am stuck on my couch and in bed most of the day. I can't do asanas. I can't non-rev. I've had a shit ton of time to reflect.
What am I having to do now that I was not doing before?
I have to be very gentle with my being. I have to have the help of those that love me. I have to communicate to people what is going on with me. I have to spend a lot of time thinking and just being without worry or obligation. I am having to say no to things I previously said yes to. I am faced with my body and to be honest I haven't said many loving things to it. This makes me feel gross because of the earlier statement to think of by body as the physical manifestation of god. I would never treat god this way.
In the end I should ask, what is it that my higher self would have me do?
Surrender. Trust. Have faith. Listen. Breathe. Let go. Realize my inner strength. Let go of the outer image of my body. Love more. Laugh. Cry
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