I've cheated on most of my former lovers. I fell in love with other men while still attached to the one I was with in some physical way. I think that's the worse kinda betrayal; when your heart is with someone else and you are physically with another. That's what happened to my Unicorn. Yet as I stare at this woman I can't help but wonder if she has a magical vagina because head to head, Unicoen wins hands down.
Part of me wishes I was on this Delta flight so I could continue to watch this freak show that is life a bit longer. I hope they live happily ever fucking after. No one in life gets to escape the energy they put into the world. I hope this passenger shows up that was missing. I hope this side chick gets taken off the plane. But she won't. I hate feeling controlled by feelings. I can only control my breath and even that is subconscious most of the time.
I want to leave this place. This place feels awful. Absolutely awful. It's so deceiving because its aesthetically pleasing. It has so many wonderful elements yet ew. Why is that? I don't like it. I can't wait to leave this city. I miss my incubator. I miss the sacred space created by my roommates. I miss my partner. This is the first trip I have taken away from him in a long time. I don't like it. It feels calming and safe around him. This place feels pressured and boiling over.
My head and face feel awful. I hope I don't come back here anytime soon. Gross.
Also, I hate being a novelty. There aren't many blacks (with Afros) here so I stick out like a sore thumb. Sometimes white people finding themselves makes me angry inside. There are too many white folk here invested in whiteness. I am in a sea of it. It's been a long time since I've been to place where white folk feel the need to smile at you and appear overly friendly because I'm black.
They stare at me. They stare at my hair. They smile at me when they get caught staring. Fuck off! I could never live in solace where my blackness was always on display. I have seen 3 black people here which is more than I saw the first time I visited Montana and SLC. One of them was big and loud...thanks dude. The other was cleaning the windows of the yoga studio. He stared at me. I bet he wondered who I was and how I got here. JHole is defiently a place where you can count the blacks on your hands.
I saw a few mixed people too. I suppose they count but we don't have the same experience. There is a lady staring at me right now sitting across from me. Believe it or not, some white people go on vacation so that they don't have to see colored people. So when I show up they can't help but stare. Then, like this lady just did across from me, they look around at other whites as if to say, "look, a back person. Do you see her? Weird, right?"
I don't want to notice these things. In fact, I'd love to be wrong. Unfortunately being from Chicago I have grown up like this. My mom took us to places where there weren't just black people or we were the only ones. I know what it feels like to be so noticed, so exploited. I moved to the gate area and well, this dude is just staring. Just staring without caring that he is and he's not alone in the staring crowd. Sigh...
Unicorn said something interesting to me yesterday. She said it's not just enough that you are black. She says it's even more of a novelty because I am pretty. I never thought about that element before but it definitely seems like it could be apart of it.
Here's another cool fact. When white people feel like they're doing something cool and a black person is there, the coolness factor gets elevated and their ideals of how "open minded" they are about themselves gets validated: look, im at a place black people go. I have literally been places where people wanted to talk to me because I was black. Get the fuck outta here!!!
Sigh...I actually for a moment wished I could blend in. I don't typically ever want to blend in to anything. I feel too unique for that. Yet for once I'd like to go to a place where, yes, maybe you don't see a lot of black there often, but it doesn't become a spectical, I don't become a spectical. It should be more like, "oh, a black person" and the you move on woth your life. You go about your business. You don't stare you don't ask strange questions. I bend in as another human being who so happens to be in the same place you are. That is all.
When does my flight board because I can't wait to get out of here...
