Just landed in SFO

So I did something bad today. Something dishonest that I am not sure how to tell my partner about. I violated his trust. I read his journal. He has been angry with me more than I had ever imagined. I want him to get it out. I don't want him to have resentment for me. I am still afraid of loving him after so many years. Showing him myself. 

How does he put up with me and my antics? I wish I loved myself the way he loves me. How he keeps coming back to me. How he stands still when I run in circles. How all he wants is to love me. I can't even see his face right now. I would feel ashamed. There were no secrets in his journal. He tells me everything. He just fell in love with me and he still is in love with me. Why does it hurt so badly?

I'm wonder how I will get over this period? I wonder when it will end? This feeling inside of my stomach. This ache in my heart. How could someone ache so much from being loved? CIC saved me. He saved me and I don't appreciate it for one minute. I don't feel I am worth such saving. Such love. Such sacrifice. 

I go through so many ups and downs. I don't want this life for him. He deserves to have someone to meet him needs, to compliment his freedom. He is so amazing. I feel like I am living for him and not for me. Not in some slave unhealthy way but in a way that I don't value myself enough to love for myself. The depression persists.