Enough is enough!!! I do not want to be apart of a group of people who are so effing ignorant. I have read several articles and blogs today with so much negativity surrounding natural hair and letting people touch it. When will hair just be hair and people just people? Why is it that natural girls focus so much on the ideologies behind natural hair and never rise about the ignorance? Here's a a bit of background.
My Hair Story
I remember getting my first perm. I was young, maybe 6 or 7 and it was late at night. I was sitting in a chair in the living room. I remember there was a lot of commotion amongst the adults but I didn't really know what was going on. The next thing I remember was sitting with this cold burning white stuff on my head. Everyone around me was happy so I was happy too. Even happier with the results. My hair was straight like all of my tv heroes. Well, I don't remember exactly how I felt but I am sure I was happy. Who wouldn't be?
The next few years were just bad hair. By the time I turned ten, half of the little hair I had begin to break off. It was so bad that I had to get a hair cut. I must have had three or four inches of hair left after this was done. I wonder if my mom wondered why my hair broke off? I hated this awkward time in my life. My hair was horrible not to mention I began my period too. What a terrible time! My mother stop doing my hair around this time too and I don't really know why. All I know is that I was ponytailing it for years. Kids are already a bit insecure so having big feet, short hair, boobies (at ten), a strange nose, and becoming a woman was all too much for me.
It wasn't until high school that I got better at doing my hair, got over my big feet, and accepted my strange nose as unique. I still wasn't the most confident woman but I was definitely a work in progress. I wore a ponytail for the first couple years religiously and still received perms every three months. At least my mom didn't let us perm our lives away as badly as most other girls. Another advantage I had was that we washed our hair every week which sadly is not normal for most other girls (now, I am talking about curly and kinky hair people of course). It definitely helped but the perm was still slowly breaking it off. I started wearing my hair down and straight my junior and senior year. I always got compliments from older women about how nice and thick my hair was and that is looked healthy. The women in my family have very thick beautiful hair!
I remember always loving the feel of my scalp in between perms. My hair felt nice and soft and fun. Right before every perm I wondered what my own hair looked like. I actually don't recall ever seeing before in it's natural state. I began to wonder what was so bad about it that I needed to have a perm. My curiosity sat there until the summer before sophomore year in college. It was during my freshmen year I decided not to get perms anymore. I didn't realize I was transitioning because I didn't know what I was doing had a word. Initially I didn't have big motives to go natural other than I liked the way my hair felt and how it made me feel. So of course, I decided to do some heavy research about going natural (I always like to research to make the best decision on anything).
I found pretty interesting information involving natural hair and a movement behind it. I learned many things such as how the European standard of beauty weighs heavily on the world. I learned about the rat race that women with naturally curly and kinky hair put themselves into to reach this European standard of beauty. It's not just here in the good ole U.S. of A that curly and kinky haired women are going through extremes to straighten their hair. I later noticed this first hand in my husband's country. Women go to the salon every week, sometimes everyday, to get their hair straightened with intense heat (the Dominicans make the Egyptians look like pansies in the hair department). I remember being told by one of my husband's cousins that if I went to work with my hair like it is, they would send me home. I thought women where I lived were bad about washing their hair enough (some women are so scared to wash the straight out they go a long time without washing...how nasty) but I have seen and smelled dirt and dandruff in some women's hair in his country and they will hold on to that straight hair until it's as stiff as a board.
Natural Hair High Horse
Here is where most natural hair people get stuck and never advance to the next level. I highlighted these paragraphs because it is a way of thinking I don't let determine how I walk anymore. It doesn't mean that some of the things I learned are not true. I just believe now that it perpetuates the same ignorance this natural hair movement is so upset about it.
This has to do with the racial implications in going natural as well as an identity crisis. I, too, was a victim of this line of thinking. This is the ignorance that plagues that natural hair community. A lot of people that go natural go through this sort of anti-everything white man phase. We get mad when we learn the truth about how and why we got lead down the path of creamy crack. Initially we question our caregivers like, damn mom, why did you do this to me? But the parents get excused for their ignorance because obviously they couldn't help themselves at the time. They were just doing the best they could or what they knew to be right (MESSAGE! Lol, Don't be a Menace movie reference. Sorry folks, but the parents are guilty too. Accept it and move on with your life). So since we love our parents (how many of you naturals out there asked your parents why they gave you a perm?) we don't blame them. Instead, we jump on the white man (much easier target) whose years of miseducation and oppression lead us down this path. We feel so enlightened and superior now, especially since the power is back in our hands.
Now our hair becomes a political statement. Fuck the man and fuck his straight hair standard of beauty! Oh, natural hair girls hate straight hair and to straighten you hair is blasphemy. It is assimilationism. It is a failure and a step against the natural hair movement. I am a rebel in the movement and I am not going to take your shit any more. I am going to let this hair scare you! Lol, boy did I experience some interesting reactions from people after going natural and not just from the white folk. I was too black for black people and a threat to the whites. Good times! I was enjoying every minute of my rebellion! I even got to the point where I started to look down on all black girls who didn't embrace their natural hair. Oh, and I loved their classic excuse, "your hair looks nice because you have good hair but I couldn't do that shit. My hair is too nappy." WTF? First of all, you can NEVER be too nappy (I still agree with that) And wait, I have good hair? What is the good hair standard? Oh yeah, Tia and Tamara Mowry or Mya. That is as good as black girls would say hair is if you were black. I definitely didn't have hair like that but I thought all these permed black girls were ignorant wannabe whites anyway and were not on my intellectual advanced level of life: Natural Hair Bitch!
Now I didn't go black militant or anything as I had learned in my African American Studies (AAS) courses that ethnocentrism is bad. But I was kinda there. My AAS classes taught me many things. I realized I didn't know who I was or where I came from. And it wasn't just me. There were generations of black people like this. School didn't teach us. Our history in this country starts after slavery. I was searching for who I was and where I came from and my natural hair brought me closer to that. I got even more upset at the white folk who took me away from everything I knew and for the miseducation I had received my whole life. There is a sense of identity you receive when going natural and you cling to it because you feel its closer to who you are. Suffice it to say, I was so upset at the socio-economic status of black people in this country created by none other than the white man. Even more interesting at the time: I wasn't exactly the black people champion.
I can be quoted saying to my college roommate that I hate black people. Yeah, I said that. Why did I feel that way? Well, it's kinda how you get upset with your family. You hold you family to a higher standard than most people. You love them unconditionally but when they fuck up you are more upset with them than you would be at any other regular person. Black people were pissing me off at college. How you gonna try to be hood at college?!?!?! Nigga, you are at college. Your hood status left when you accepted the offer to go so give it up, lol. There were so many ignorant black folk at my school. Husslin, fighting, doing drugs, cheating at school, and sexin everything that walks. I had a higher standard for my family and this shit was embarrassing. So, I said, I hate black people in the same way I would say I hate my sister for stealing my dress.
Oh it gets better though. I had never been around so many white people in my life and I discovered that I didn't care to be around them either. This was also very interesting as I was accused of acting white my whole life by ignorant black folk. They obviously had never met real white people before and if they had, they would have never accused me of such things! So, I clung to black folk. It was more comfortable for me. I didn't have many friends in college and the ones I had were never white, black, brown, or any other color. They were just people. I was raised to see people as people. Even when I saw racism it was a racist person, not a racist color. I was neither on the black side or the white side of things. I felt like I didn't belong anywhere. Well, maybe I thought I was Latina since I love everything about Latin American culture but that is for another blog.
I went through a depressing period in my life and decided to perm my hair because I got bored (I always do something drastic to my hair when it gets pass my shoulders). I decided to do a kiddy perm because I thought it was better, lol. In 2006 I permed my hair and noticed the different treatment I received from people. I didn't dislike or like the the way I was being treated, it was just different. But I didn't perm my hair for anyone else. I permed it for me. I didn't like who I was and wanted to change myself to get away from all darkness I was experiencing. Perming my hair didn't change shit for me and that was when I realized I was not my hair. It was such a revelation for me. I felt so silly all those years letting my hair define who I was and judging others so harshly from a hair standard. Hair became fun and experimental for me. I tried all sorts of things and knew I was going to go natural again. I felt awakened for the first time ever. I went natural again in 2008 and it was a lot better this time around because I was changing into me!
Why is it that we have to make hair a racist issue? That is probably the most ignorant way of thinking I have heard of. I am ashamed of the attitude I developed in the beginning of my natural journey. I was not raised to look at people for the color of their skin or the texture of their hair. Remember Martin Luther King? You think he would want us naturals to be about peace or focus on difference? Now, I am not saying we should disregard acts of clear discrimination in our society. There are still lots of people out there who continue to treat people poorly because skin color, hair texture, facial features, sexual preference, and gender. That shit is not ok. In most cases it is a case of miseducation, an insecurity, and fear on the part of the oppressor.
How I Handle The Ignorance
There is a lot of sarcasm in here. Are you cool enough to catch it?
With my job as a flight attendant, I fly all over the country and see all sorts of people. I work out of Minneapolis, MN and well, aside from the refugees and a few U.S.A. Black Americans, most of the folk have Scandinavian and Norwegian ancestry. Most of the people I work with live in the MN bubble. I have had people at my job tell me they didn't know who I was because I changed my hair style. WTF??? Seriously? One day I was doing a training course and stood in front of this women for 9 hours. At the end of class I asked her about a personal experience we shared together and it was in that moment she finally recognized who I was. That was the most ignorant shit I ever experienced in my life. They don't see they are doing anything wrong but I loved to inform them of the ignorance. Bet they don't pull that shit again. Oh, it's not like I died my hair or anything. It's as simple as wearing a fro one day and twists the next day. Most of natural people it seems would pull the race card out and get mad. I don't feel like wasting my time being angry. I would rather be peaceful and educate the ignorant.
I had this one lady at work, a straight hair light skin woman, tell me I was the "whitest black girl she knew" (that was a new one...never heard that before...folk getting a little too comfortable but that is good). At first, I got mad like, bitch, you want me to show you how black I can be? She was laughing when she said this to me. I put my ego aside and told her very seriously but peacefully that "I am the blackest black girl she knows because I am educated about who I am and I tear down the stereotypes you think you know. I am black because that is how God made me. Don't get it twisted because I speak properly due to an education and I know how to get along with folk." She never said that shit again and she started treating me with a lot more respect afterwards. She was ignorant and I used knowledge to to educate this woman who thought she could say whatever the hell she wanted. That is how you handle that situation. You don't make it about black and white. You make it about truth and knowledge. Bet she won't pull that one again.
I have people tell me all the time how they like my hair. Lol, mostly on bad hair days too. I think that shit is funny sometimes. I also think that sometimes people are intimidated by it and don't know how to respond. Sometimes people tell me they like my hair, that it looks nice, or that they wish their hair could do such funky things with their own hair. I suppose if I put my racist vision goggles on I could see that they are truly putting me down in saying that. Gee, I wonder if you can order those on Ebay? Anywuzzle, for the time being I just see it as how it's presented to me and not make assumptions. I love it when people ask me questions. I am open to answering questions and telling people the truth, especially the straight hair women. I have been told that they thought our hair was straight like theirs because that is all they see. Some of them have no idea that we get perms to get our hair to look like theirs. Everyone thinks the grass in greener on the other side because these same women tell me they wouldn't mind having my hair. The grass that is greener is the grass that you water.
Ok, enough info and background. Let's move on the reason why I was enraged enough to write this blog. I read several articles today that really disturbed me. These articles were about expressing mostly frustration when women with naturally curly and kinky hair are asked to have their hair touched by strangers or natural straight hair and light skin folk. The response from the natural hair people are filled with anger, ignorance, and superiority. I just don't understand the negativity around this. Wait, you mean every time I have let someone touch my hair they were being racist and bringing me down? Oh boy, I think I might lose my black card like that time I almost lost it for never having been to Red Lobster! Dun, Dun, DUN!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I am very disappointed in these individuals. What the hell is so hard about you just taking the time to one, not assuming this is some act of racism against you, two, finding out why the person wants to touch your hair, three simply informing them of your reason for not wanting them to touch it in a peaceful manner, or four, just letting them touch your hair? If you really get that upset about someone wanting to touch your hair, you may be too sensitive and you may have some underlying psychological issues that you should get checked out.
I have had people on the plane ask me to touch my hair. One day while just walking through the cabin I had the cutest old man stop me in the aisle to ask me "how I got my hair like that?" I told him, "I just put water on it and that is what it does." He was so surprised and joyous. He said, "it looked really pretty." I thanked him. He then asked to touch it. I said, "of course!" He then wanted to confirm that it just grew like that. I told him, "I wear it the way God made it." He said, "that is alright with me." I guess it should have gone more like this. Old white man stops me to ask how I got my hair like this. I should have responded, "motherfucker it grow like this, you got a problem with that?" Or wait, bitchy flight attendant style: I'm sorry sir, but does my hair offend you or seem like it is a part of the entertainment you paid for when you bought your ticket? Or wait, sweet flight attendant style: No sir, I'm sorry. It's not allowed. Lmao!!!! I also supposed when he said it was alright with him about the way God made it that it was socially ok to continue to wear my hair in that manner since a white man had approved of it. Glad I got a pass on that one! Phew!
One time while waiting for passengers to leave the plane, this little girl asked her mom, "Mommy, what's that on her head?" She said it loud enough that half of the plane heard it. I started laughing so hard. The mom was kinda embarrassed and was red in the face. Where was Bill Cosby in this moment??? So, the mom told the little girl, "it's her hair, sweetie." The little girl, couldn't have been more than five years old, with the biggest look of shock on her face screamed, "It's her hair!?!?!?!?" The whole back part of the plane started laughing as well as me. I composed myself and looked at the little girl and confirmed that is was my hair and that is how it grows. She looked so interested in it. Maybe this was the first time she had seen hair like that and/or skin my color. I asked the little girl if she wanted to touch it. She said a big no and got kinda scared. I told her it was ok and she just smiled and hid behind her mommy. She probably thought my hair was going to eat her or something. Now, here is how I probably should have handled it after the girl asked her mom the question. I should have told the mom that she was bad mother for raising her child in such a racist manner and that it was rude of her to have such an outburst. I should have also assumed the child and her mom were racist people by being so fascinated with my hair. Right?
Oh, just one more story although I have many I could tell. This one involves my friend The Fish. So Fish loves my hair. Lol, Fish's soul was obviously from Africa in a past life because she always feels more at home when she goes there. Fish in this lifetime has straight hair and light skin and her family comes from Europe. So fish always wants to touch my hair but whenever she does, she does it quickly at first but then really goes for it after a while. I always wonder what her hesitation is. I suppose she feels like somewhere on the inside there is something wrong with how she is so fascinated by it and wants it for herself. I always give her the green light to go crazy. I guess this whole time Fish was touching my hair that Exodus chapter 21 had some truth to for this Lutheran. I didn't realize this whole time that by letting my very dear friend and sister touch my hair that I was accepting my role as her slave forever!!! Dun, dun, DUN!!!!!!! AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
I touch Fish's hair all the time. I remember the first time I really touched naturally straight hair, not The Fish but my Chica, and it felt weird. Not the hair but the experience of touching it. I also wondered if I was making the person uncomfortable. Here is what I learned from touching naturally straight hair. I was curious about it. I wanted to know how it felt. I wanted to know what all the fuss was about over this naturally straight hair. After touching it, I decided to take my hair any day of the week over the straight hair. What I didn't see at time was that my heart wasn't as pure as I thought it was. I made so many judgements about the texture of straight hair, finding reasons to place above or beneath that of curly and kinky hair. I immediately didn't want to like it. In the end, it was just hair, just like mine and that it's existence or texture should not bare any weight in how I feel about people or hair. Touching my friend's hair helped me see her as a person. I know that sounds silly but it's true. It didn't matter that our hair was different.
It's Not Just Hair In The End...
I know, that kinda sounds like it contradicts my "I am not my hair" philosophy but read on, you will understand.
Now to talk a bit about hair and identity. Now, I mentioned earlier how on my natural hair journey I realized I had some identity issues. When you go natural, you become more of who you are. You begin to learn things about yourself that you wouldn't have learned with the permed hair. You get closer to your roots. Most women go through phases of frustration with natural hair care. We always have days in which the work load is a pain in the ass. Perhaps what is really happening is that a new part of yourself is being revealed and new life lesson has to be learned. Women who give in and give up on their natural hair (kinda like when I gave myself a perm again), give up on getting closer to who they are. Sometimes the journey to you can be scary, especially when you have been through a trauma. It is the you realize how deep the hair journey really is. It is very important to stay strong during this part of the journey. It is so much more fulfilling when you come out of this phase. The question you have to ask yourself when you are struggling or are tempted to perm it all away again is, why do I really want to get a perm? Or, why am I struggling? Is it time? Is it money? Is it social pressure? What part of my natural hair do I feel is too much of hassle? This question translates to, why is it that I find it difficult to invest in who I am naturally, the way God made me?
Sadly, most naturals get stuck in the ethnocentric way of thinking and never see their natural hair journey as a spiritual one. It's not just hair, it's you. It is as simple as accepting the shape of a strange nose or big feet. There is a reason why God put you here like this and that is a soul lesson you must learn. I am such an impatient person and my hair makes me have patience. It is one of the best patience lessons I have in life and I know that is one of my biggest soul lessons to learn. (My cat and my husband are also testing my patience right now, lol). My biggest patience lesson is being patient with myself. I always want to move so quickly in life. When will I slow myself down? Have no fear, natural hair is here!! Natural hair can makes me healthy all around. Natural hair means natural living.
For all you people out there getting all upset and putting on those racist goggles. Before you assume how someone else feels or thinks, look inside your own heart. Are you the one creating this racist energy in the world? What lesson can you learn from your reaction to responding in such a negative or hateful way to someone who is just simply ill-informed? Why is it that you have not taken the knowledge you have gained about discrimination, racism, politics, natural hair care, etc. and shared it with the ignorant masses? Have you not learned that education is the key to making change? I pride myself on informing people of the truth. I take every opportunity to face the ignorance in this society. I face it head on by not getting lost in my ego but getting to people on a soul level.
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