So, I wanted to blog about my experience taking pain killers regularly due to my injury.
First, I would like to say that I don't know much personally about addiction as a sickness. I spent a while being addicted to World of Warcraft. I would wake up and play it. I would skip meals. I would play it for hours each day and not want to do anything else. If I wasn't playing Warcraft/WoW, like being at school or work, I would be thinking about playing it. It got to the point where if I was outside, I would wonder what part of warcraft this street would be in or I wonder if I can skin that dog? I suppose addiction has different levels because as sad as it is, many aspects from the South Park episode that makes fun of WoW is true (google it...it's funny shit).
Did I get officially diagnosed with an addiction? No. It likely wasn't anything serious. I was just really into it. I have gone long periods without playing the game and honestly, the real reason I spent so much time there was because one, it was/is fun and two, I was in love with another player (my now husband). After this other player and I got together, I didn't want to play anymore. I even went over a year without playing it. I was and will always be a casual player of this MMORPG (btw, the only game I really play... me=not a gamer girl) and that is fine with me. I have bills to pay now so I can't donate as much time to the Horde effort as I would like.
Anywuzzle, I have felt addicted to other things but just for short periods of time. Like when I discovered vibrators...I finally knew what being a teenage boy was like *gulp*. There was also soda. I worked at my college's cafeteria and they let us drink soda for free...I think I might have replaced water for it at the time. So I went cold turkey off soda one day and was literally rocking back and forth like a crack head the next day. Thank God I got the thirst for soda out of my system. I had no idea what kind of hold it had on me until I stopped drinking it. But soda and vibrators aren't really addictions people give weight too. Video games are constantly evolving and I am pretty sure therapies exist for video game addictions by now (I know way too many people that need to sign up for that therapy).
I classify addiction as an activity you perform daily, several times a day for underlying reasons of comfort, pleasure, and/or an escape. No, I don't have a degree to be able to verify my definition of an addiction but it's my blog so it is what it is. Now, this activity can involve a substance, object, thought, or person. You can be addicted to something/someone without knowing or acknowledging that you are addicted to it. I believe addiction to something or someone destructive is bad for your health. The yin and yang of life calls for balance: too much of one thing can sometimes be very unhealthy for you. Which makes me think, is there anything or anyone that a person can healthily be addicted to? At what point does an addiction get classified as a sickness or detriment?
After my injury, which you can read about here: My Injury, I was prescribed hydrocodone. I didn't know that is was a form of vicodin until several weeks on it. That didn't keep me from taking it of course. I have never been a fan of taking pills and medication. I have always felt most symptoms with go away with time and natural care. I wasn't as educated in the past about my claims/feelings toward medication as I am now but as it turned out, I was right for the most part. Pain is the bodies natural way to tell you something is wrong. Inflammation, for the most part, naturally occurs when the body is making an attempt to heal something. I was never a fan of popping a pill for a headache unless it was absolutely unbearable. The pain from my injury was pretty unbearable.
My doctor recommended I take two of these pills a day or as pay occurs. I still experienced pain on these pills but not as much as I would have without them. One day I seemed to have gotten bit by something and was having an allergive reaction to it: I had these small red bumps that turned into perfect circuler red bumps on my right arm. The doc said it was an allergy and prescribed two more pills. So enough was enough, I stopped the hydrocodone (not gradually either = fail) and decided no more of that. I continued taking the new pills because it was making the red bumps go away.
What happened after that I have experienced before but was able to identify at the time. I became really depressed due to the discontinuation of my precious (hydrocodone) but I didn't know that was the reason at the time. Something else happened. I finally began to feel the pain of my injury. It was at that point, after weeks of pill popping that I realized I had never felt the full pain of my injury. I had been drugged since 5 hours after it happened (first with oxycodone). Man, this shit really hurt. I couldn't believe the amount of pain I was in. Every time I feel pain I think of child birth, which I have never experienced, as the ultimate pain and as a woman, all other pain should be bearable. I told myself, man up! You are not giving birth so it's not bad. But it was bad. What was I to do? I couldn't possibly began taking more pills. I wanted to be able to live without help (a common theme in my life and maybe my biggest soul lesson), even if it was the help of pain relief in the form of a pill.
So, I started taking hydrocodone again and what do you know, more red bumps, this time on the other arm. Turns out it wasn't a bug bite. It was an allergic reaction to the pills! As far as I have known my whole life, I have never had an allergy to anything except the change of spring to summer and summer to fall. I was shocked and appalled. I have been hydrocodone free for about 4 weeks now. A week ago I had my last red bump come and go. Weeks and weeks on this drug and it may finally be out of my body...I hope. I still have pain but I do not want to take anything for it. One day the pain was bad enough that I headed for an ibuprofen. I had red bumps on my arm the next day. So wait a minute, I can't take another pain reliever????!?!?!?!?! WTF?!?!??! That is not cool. Especially since I have bills to pay! Maybe it's just for the time being.
What did I learn from all this as it pertains to my soul (hey, that's what the blog is about!), pain relievers, and addiction? Well, I don't think I am the type of person to do drugs. I am a light weight with most things. The few times I have tried marijuana I got high from like two puffs...puff puff...skip! I know my body so I try to stay away from extremes. However, I liked the sensation of getting high a couple of the few times I tried it (didn't know who you got high with made a difference). I have smoked pot 5 times in my life and the last time was in 2007. I say that I am not a big drinker. I generally don't get hung over. I started drinking at 21 and I have barfed maybe five times since then (27 now), maybe less. I can have half of a beer and start to buzz so it doesn't take much to get me feelin good. I haven't tried any other drugs and don't plan on it. At least marijuana is a natural plant. Cocaine is a hell of drug...at least that is what Dave Chapelle said in his portrayal of the late Rick James. I'll take his word for it. My point in telling you this is I know what a small high or escape or mellowing out feels like and I understand why people do it and so frequently. However this pain reliever taught me so much more since I was one it for so long.
Something happened to me. Something happened to me that caused me a lot of pain and I needed something to help me not feel that pain so that I may function, so that I may live in a bit of peace. Those pills gave me that peace physically. What I didn't know while taking them was that the pills also gave me peace emotionally and mentally. I had no idea that the pills were numbing more than my physical pain. I mean, I have been depressed before. I have suffered from it to the point where I took anti-depressants (the devil in a bottle) and boy was that a mistake. Anywho, I know what depression is. I know it's ins and outs, its ups and downs. I know what the darkness is and how you hate it and love it. I had no idea my pain pills were also numbing me from my life and my problems. You should never suddenly stop taking pills, doctors are right about that. I did that with my hydrocodone and the anti-depressants I took years ago and I was in a much worse nightmare than the reason for taking the pills in the first place. Always gradually take yourself off of pills. Not sure about how you react to an abrupt discontinuation of taking pills for a long time but I get severely depressed and suicidal. Not cool!!
You know what else isn't cool? Waking up one day to realize that the whole time you thought you were numbing your severe injury, you were also numbing your soul. Too deep for you? Well, it was true for me. I had no idea that these pills were keeping me from facing my issues. My issues with myself, my body, my marriage, my family. All of those things came to my mind immediately after a week off the pills. Before that, I just simply didn't think about it. I had no idea drugs could this. I had no idea what drugs were capable of. I know that I am naive with many things. I thought people got addicted to pain killers because they suffered from severe physical pain and didn't want to feel the physical pain. I didn't know there was a psychological and emotional aspect to this. But I experienced it for myself. You may say, so what, Tracie? That doesn't mean you were addicted. I know I wasn't addicted but let me tell you this: the moment I realized what the pills were doing to me mentally, I was disgusted and at the same time thinking, that's kind of cool, I should take another so I don't have to feel this right now and kill two birds with one stone. I quickly digressed from that thought.
I understand why people get addicted to drugs now, doesn't matter the type of drug. Pain is real. It sucks. Some people have never really experienced true pain that seems like it reaches your soul. Most addicts have. They have the drug of their choosing, video game or pot, and numb away. They don't want to feel pain anymore. I mean, there are some people who find pleasure in pain, you know, the kind with whips and hand cuffs! But I am talking about real pain that makes life seem as if it's not worth living. Even individuals who tried drugs without the intent to numb anything eventually fall into the numbing of it all. It feels good for them not to feel anything but the moment for now because everything else is effing unbearable. Once you get a taste of that, I can imagine for some people, depending on the pain they are trying to numb, it would be very hard to walk away. I mean, probably even to the point where these addicts know they have control over their addiction, which they do in sense, but they have no idea what it is doing to their soul. They have abused that much. They have numbed their light and would rather the darkness. Or the drug makes them see the light they couldn't find before. It makes them feel like they can fly. It makes the impossible (healing) seem possible (even for that a short amount of time).
Discovering this hurt my soul and I immediately prayed for the individuals suffering from addiction. I know that we all make choices. I understand taking responsibility for yourself and all that other jazz. But take it from a person who has seen and lived in the darkness. Although you hate it and its torturous and detrimental and all sorts of other bad things, in the same token, it comforts you because it's the only thing you know won't let you down. It's a constant and familiar and for that, you stay in the darkness. Hell, sometimes even the darkness feels good to you in some sick sort of way. You have those moments and feelings although not very often at all. When I was a child I though suicide was dumb and only for white people (tv will influence you in a lot of ways). After experiencing what it's like to be in that place (too many times for my taste) my soul cries out for individuals who have trouble with addictions, depression, anxiety, and suicide.
Sorry to sound like an after school special but if you know someone struggling, don't be so quick to judge, especially if you think suicide is stupid. Tell this person that God/The Universe will never give you more than you can handle in life. I know some people may not want to hear it at the time, but tell these people that the reason they were given such harshness and pain is because contrary to the weakness they think they have, their souls are some of the strongest souls from heaven/the universe. And because their souls are so strong, they were given so much pain in this lifetime to make them stronger. If these people just step into the light to see this this maybe it will help them leave the darkness. Tell these people that if their souls have to handle so much pain at this point, nothing else can happen to them that would kill them. They can conquer absolutely anything. They are not defeated at this point. The fact that they still breathe is a testament to the strength that is inside of of them. This message was brought to you by Soul, Search, and Rescue...a family company. Peace
No comments:
Post a Comment