H.A.M.

Long time no post...about to go Hard As A Motherfucker...

I was just reading my very first blog and taking in the fact that I have not blogged everyday as I had originally planned.  Other than eating, sleeping, and shitting, there isn't much that I do everyday or would want to for that matter.  What stood out to the me the most was what I was saying about my husband and being married.   In a matter of months I went from missing him and being so happy to be with him to my current state of "if he left tomorrow, so what?"  How could that happen?

I am falling in love with me right now and it's not like falling in love with another person.  In fact, it's a battle.  It's more like the love you have to develop after you have been with someone for a few years.  There are things about me that I love and appreciate and then there are things that just grind my gears.  I was reading a blog from The Daily Love about how our anger and frustrations toward others is really a mirror into our insecurities and or a projection of how we feel about ourselves.  I have been thinking about that a lot lately.  What is it about me that I see in my husband that bothers me?  Or what is it about me that I don't see in my husband that bothers me?  I guess I should talk about me and see if I can find the answer.  What is it that I like about me?  Lol, this is gonna be interesting.

Well, I like my birthday, March 31, 1984.  I was a good year and I just made it in before April Fool's Day.  I like being an Aries as well.  We are good people and most of what is described about us in Astrology is true.  I like my skin color which I thought my whole life that wasn't really up to me.  Good to know my soul and I are on the same page.  I also like my hair color though I miss the brown color it use to have.  It has gotten much darker over the years.  I wonder if the Universe can bring back my light color.  I have nice boobs.  They are a good size but not overwhelming.  I value all my scars now as they are a story into me although the darkness on my knees and elbows can be annoying.  I couldn't stand my nose and feet when I was a kid but as I got older I realized how beautiful and nicely shaped they are for me.  I have piano fingers even though my pinky acts retarded sometimes.  My best features would have to be my lips and eyes.  My lips are full and nicely shaped and well, my eyes are just the bomb diggity from the shape to the color to the honesty you can see in them.

I am a funny person.  I just know how to be funny and I have good timing.  I have always been such a good communicator and had the ability to converse with just about anyone.  That was always something important to and its a gift that I am grateful to have.  That helps me to know how and when to be funny with people.  Let's face it, I can be pretty cute sometimes intentionally or unintentionally.  I am an honest person and can be very blunt.  I like to tell the truth and I always have.  I am intelligent and a good learner.  I get excited about learning sometimes.  I have a great sense of responsibility for my actions.  I am strong.  I am sexy and beautiful.  I am a pretty decent belly dancer too!  I eat healthy for the most part and I like to do physical activities for the payoff.  I have always been a peacemaker and I like that about me.  I like that I am a creative person and can roll with the punches.  I do have a sense of adventure.

I am very responsible and I like to be on time.  I do push it at times in the punctuality department but not with bill paying or showing up to work.  I am a clean person. I like for things to be clean and organized. I am not about mediocre.  I like to be alone.  It is one of my favorite pass times.  I don't believe in regrets.  Everything happens for a reason and so even all the bad things in my life in the end are good things for the valuable soul lesson they have taught me.  I like being a vegetarian!  It has changed my life for the better.

So, I like those things about myself.  I am sure there are more but I will digress for now.  How about the things I don't like?  While though my perfectionism has subsided tremendously it still remains in some facets.  I miss it because I cared a lot more about some of the things I did. I cared a lot more about doing the right thing and other people's thoughts and feelings.  When things seem in disarray I miss that part of me.  However, that was a very stressful young lady, a worry wort.  That leads me to my next dislike: stress and worry.  I am so grateful to write them off from my life yet I know they still play a roll in some areas.

Stress and worry actually covers a lot of issues that I have such as some body image insecurities.  Now when I say body image I don't mean the stupid shit that most girls go through reading tabloids.  I mean, I wish I had a flat tummy and a muscular back because that makes me feel good.  I could care less about how other people viewed my belly and back.  I worry and stress much less these days, especially since I am working hard to achieve my goals.  Part of the issue is my impatience.  I am not creating myself as impatient in this moment, I am just acknowledging the fact that I don't like waiting on some things like my husband or these last few pounds to drop out or prosperity.  I, of course, see the value in patience and waiting which is why I welcome it into my life.  Things will happen when they happen and I need let go of the how and when.  I tend to have some controlling issues when it comes to how a house is kept and other things of that nature.

You know, it doesn't comfort me to write about things I don't like about myself.  In all honesty, a little stress and worry can be good for you and I don't mind being anal about cleanliness.  I guess I am sitting writing trying to find out why certain things about me get me upset with my husband.  I don't find him attractive when he is lazy, dishonest, unhealthy, etc. because I am not those things.  I don't think it's an issue when I want him to be like me.  He can be whoever he wants to be.  Being responsible for your actions and your household, being honest with yourself and those your love and care about, and making healthy choices are basic fucking things that everyone should do.  Am I perfect at those things?  Hell no!  Do I expect others to be perfect at them?  Hell motherfucking no!  Do I want to be with someone who upholds those principles in their own life.  Hell yeah! So why is it that I have to sit and tolerate my partner being any other way?

Oh, and trust, I have had many conversations with this man about all of those topics.  Patient conversations, helpful conversations, and full out arguments about the shit.  I am not sure how I can spell it out for him an better.  The soul lesson is that.  I am arriving, and he hasn't even boarded the fucking plane.  I have shit that I need to do and want to do but I feel like I have to wait on him to catch up, a lesson in patience.  And how about you toss in a lesson about love.  So what that he hasn't boarded the plane yet, shouldn't I help him?  I don't support missing my flight to wait on him to get the courage to board the plane.  Fuck, I am the one who bought the fucking ticket and planned the trip.  His ass was sitting next to me when we did the shit as if he was all for it.  Then he gets to the airport and acts like taking the plane was just a good idea but not something he really wants.  He is not sticking to the plan right now.  Did I  mention that I don't like it sometimes when plans get changed?  Don't get me wrong, I am a very flexible person.  I am talking about easy fucking plans like, you go to the bus stop and plan to take the next bus.  Let's say that bus doesn't come.  Instead of going back to wherever you came from, you reroute to stick with the plan of catching a bus.  You don't fucking give up.  Did I mention that I don't like to give up?  My husband is so good at that.  Only time I see confidence from him is ordering food in Spanish and sex.  Trust me, he has way more talents than that.

I am loving myself and he has only begun to entertain the idea of doing so.  How much do I love him?  To help him?  To wait on him?  I am tired of holding his hand through this because it's enough falling in love with myself.  Now wait, if I had an abundant amount of love, don't I have enough for him?  That is true but is love really reminding a grown person to eat, sleep, work out, and do basic shit that most adults  should be able to do on their own?  Is that love?  I am not even sure what loving someone else looks like right now...