What would I do if I weren’t afraid?

I am watching Oprah’s life class, which is absolutely God-sent for the world right now.  I am learning so much about who I am and everything that is coming toward me is exactly what I am asking for from the universe.  I recently acknowledged some confusion and mixed feelings about what I want.  I couldn’t answer the question.  I just heard Oprah ask a question that I think will help me hone in on my desires.  The follow up question is what will this do for me if I do it?  There question is, what would I do if I weren’t afraid?

If I weren’t afraid, I would…

…talk to my husband about how I really feel; go back to school; learn to fly a plane; travel the world and live in a foreign country; have sex with a random person; apply for a teaching job; save more money; not bid at work; work out everyday; publish my book and magazine; accept that I am enough; be honest with my family; make myself vulnerable.

What would doing those things do for me?

I had a session with my mentor who told me I had to choose between the feeling of wanting my husband and not wanting my husband.  That seems really have to do.  I am afraid of hurting his feelings.  If I went back to school I would feel the accomplishment I have always desired and have my teaching degree.  I would have stability.  Learning to fly a plane will make me feel free and smart.  Traveling the world will keep me excited and educated about the world. Having sex with a random person will let me know if I am really missing out on such an experience.  Not sure what that does for me but it’s something I wonder about.  I think it’s about giving in to my desires and making it ok to be in the moment.  Working out everyday would mean commitment for me and produce the physical results that I want.  Publishing my book will make me feel like I could really help someone and validate my ideas and beliefs.  Accepting that I am enough is the biggest piece to all of these because it gets rid of all the fear.  By being honest I would avoid questioning my relationships with people.  And finally, making myself vulnerable would open up my universe and awareness.

What part of all of that is my ego?

I know part of the feelings of wanting my husband and not wanting him have a bit to do with my ego.  There is fear that I am making the wrong decision.  I am afraid to give up.  I am afraid breaking my marriage vows as if all hell is going to rain down on me.  My mentor is encouraging me to choose because I am living in resentment of him and my actions.  I am afraid of all of our hard work to be together and his sacrifice of coming to a foreign place where he doesn't know anyone going to waste.  I am afraid of not having him in my life and having in my life.  I feel an obligation to him.  I have learned tonight that anger is control over the hurt I feel inside.  I don't think my husband has hurt me in anyway that would cause me to have anger toward him.  I think this all stems from me.  I also learned that once you acknowledge the hurt, underneath it is love.  I feel a bit of fear that romantic love is not there for him or anyone else.

When I think about finishing school, I know that is something I want just for me.  I see how it will affect other people but school, knowledge, and education has always been mine.  Learning to fly a plane just sounds fun and speaks to my independence and adventure.  I think it would also help me to be present because you can’t really daydream in that type of activity.  Flying is a living dream.  Traveling the world also speaks to my soul.  I have always enjoyed meeting people from other cultures and I want to do that for the rest of my life.  I love the idea of being international.

Having sex with a random person…now that kinda sounds like my ego but perhaps it sounds like giving myself permission to enjoy something that is taboo.  I limit how much pleasure I receive too often and a random sexual act makes me vulnerable.  Now I know that there are other ways to be vulnerable, not sure why I think a random sex act accomplishes that.  I am a planner and I have only had sex with people I have gotten to know well, that number being only 5.  I know I am obsessed with that number as well.  What does that number really mean for me and will it really keep me in or out of heaven? Anywuzzle, having sex with a random person means no planning and living in a pleasurable moment.  SEX also equals Sacred Energy Xchange and I wonder if I really will be able to put myself out there like that.  

Working out everyday for me is part soul part ego.  There are some vanity aspects to being in good shape.  Perhaps it is ok to look good but too often I find myself comparing myself to other people.  Now when I say comparing I mean looking at someone and judging their body.  I do that too often and I judge other people’s bodies so much because that is how I much I judge my own.  That is totally ego!  Now my soul on the other hand just wants health, awareness, and strength!  My soul understands that the wonderful foods on this earth gives my body everything it needs to live a full life.  Eating the right foods combined with physical fitness is a full life, not just because of your physical abilities but your metaphysical ones. 

Publishing my book has some ego in there, as I am guessing most things might.  I definitely like the idea of being acknowledged for what I have to say.  In my heart, I know I just want to help people.  I feel that if people just knew this knowledge God has given me, their life could be better.  I have to want to be able to share this knowledge without the expectation of appreciation.  I heard Oprah asked herself would she start the OWN network if no one knew it was her?  Would I publish my book if no one knew it was me?  I think that is the right thing to do for my soul and the soul of others.  Some woman added that when moments of appreciation arrive, they will be more valued without the expectation of it. 

Tonight I found that everyone’s ego feels so needy and thinks it doesn’t have enough.  It was so comforting to discover on Oprah’s show the natural state of my ego.  I am enough.  I want to believe I am enough because I am tired of being run by this mentality: that what I am is not enough, that I am not good enough, that nothing and no one is good enough for me.  God gives me everything.  I have everything.  I lack nothing.  I have abundance!

I want to be honest with those that care about and love me and for me that involves showing who I am and that is my soul.  My ego fears that if others see who I am, they will take their love from me.  I also fear my ego taking this policy of honesty and trying to hurt others before they hurt me.  My father told me that I have to learn to listen in order to tune into the message God has for me to give to someone.  I need to show people that I care and that I respond to them out of love.  From now on when someone criticizes me or disagrees with me, I will say, you know what, you might be right!

And last but not least, vulnerability.  Making myself vulnerable is definitely my soul because my ego wants the exact opposite.  Ego wants to protect me at all costs.  You see, my ego is not all bad and negative.  It is like a scared inexperienced child who realizes she is not invincible.  Rather than reject this child and tell the child she is wrong, I have to hold my ego's hand and say, I know you are worried about me.  I know I am concerned about myself, however fear and anger will not give us lasting comfort.  I will hold my hand through the hurt and fear and tune into my awareness by making myself vulnerable.  This will allow me to learn the soul lessons I need to learn. 

This is all very extraordinary progress for my soul.  Praise the Lord!