What I want

October 20, 2011

Happy anniversary!  I just want to start by saying that one year ago today my husband and I eloped in Vegas at The Little White Wedding Chapel.  I wish I could say that we never looked back but we have.  There is a lot of irony in writing this blog on this day.  I have been advised by my mentor to write every morning when I wake up.  I have been awake since 0530 MT and it’s now 0919 MT.  I didn’t allow time this morning to write since it was so early so I am writing now.  I know part of the reason for the delay is because I don’t know what I want…  I am sure I have written about this before but this time seems different.  I know there are things that I don’t want but what do I want? 

I want to teach.  I know I have always wanted to teach.  It comes as naturally to me as breathing. I like being able to share knowledge with people.  I like everything about learning.  I love being in school and I always have.  By teaching I ensure my presence in school for the rest of my life.  I have always felt that Education is the key to freedom.  Knowledge is so important.  I also want to be able to positively influence the life of young people, for they are the ones who bring about real change.

I want to help people.  I wanted to mention this with teaching but the two don’t have to necessarily have to overlap.  I understand that I will be helping people by teaching them but I want to help people in other ways.  I have contemplated becoming a life coach lately.  I like the idea of helping people to connect with themselves spiritually and life a fulfilling life.  I feel like a lot of people are neglecting their souls.  I want to do some sort of soul work.

Since I want to do soul work I have to get my house in order.  I want to reach a place of balance and happiness.  For too long I have been weighed down.  For too long been denying who I am and what I want.  I have let fear comfort me.  I have feared who I truly am. I know that a bit of the perfectionism issue comes along with that.  Fear of failure.  I am done with that.  I want strength and intuition and creation. 

I want to create my universe which involves having fun.  Sometimes I feel so serious.  What do I do that makes me happy?  My job makes me happy.  Is that all that I have? What makes me happy?  Freedom. Being alone.  Music. Dance.  Movies.  Traveling. Helping. Creating. The truth is that I don’t know.  Sometimes my husband makes me happy.  Sometimes he makes me feel good.  But I wouldn’t generally say that I am happy with him.  There are times when I feel happy and there are times when I feel weighed down.  Being fit makes me happy.  Eating healthy food is kinda satisfying though eating French fries and ice cream about bit more fun.  Choosing my health overall does make me happy.  I am happy that my body is finally doing what I want it to.  What about sex?  Hmmm, sex feels good and I guess I get some kind of joy from it.  I like the release that it gives me. 

I really don’t know where I am going with this.  I feel like I have to come up with something and I can’t seem to definitively be able to say “this” makes me happy and that makes me sad.  Maybe I have some apprehension about being happy.  Like, I feel bad about being happy.