I have been making references to a food blog for a while now and it's about time I get to it! I will give you a warning that this blog will be long and you may not agree with all my thoughts. I will do this is several parts. This is Food Part One
Round One: Me Vs. Food...Fight!!
My relationship with food has been interesting. I have never been a big eater unless there was a food I really liked or it was a holiday like Thanksgiving. I was breast fed and boy am I grateful for that! When I got big enough to hold my own bottle, my big sis would take it away from me and drink it (glad that stopped). Not sure about how relevant the baby stuff is but I wanted to take it from the very top! As I got old enough to hand feed myself and guard my food, I would skip eating quite often, mostly in the morning.
My stomach rarely felt ready for eating in the morning, for one. And two, I didn't realize until college that I was an over taster or what some call a super taster. They say that people with sensitive taste buds normally don't like the taste of fruits and vegetables because of the intensity. Well, I was never really into fruits, especially anything with the name berry in it. Way too sweet for me. However, I have always been a fan of vegetables which is not typical of a super taster. Most veggies are bland enough to prevent some type of roller coaster ride in my mouth. Breads have always been a favorite as well which is supposedly typical for an over taster as well as meat. I have never been a big meat eater but I liked it when I did it eat it. Most people with my taste bud issues are on the thinner side of life as I have also been. Things like alcohol, coffee, sweet candy, and dark chocolate are repulsive in our mouths.
Round Two: Food 1, Me 0 =(
Most of the time as a kid, I just didn't feel hungry. I didn't care for all the stimulation in my mouth. If I wasn't hungry, I didn't want to eat. The only time I made sure to eat was test taking day at school as people stated over and over again how an empty stomach can cause an internal distraction while taking a test. Other than that, eating just wasn't on my mind. I had no idea that my taste buds made me not want to eat. Of course not eating has consequences. There were several instances in my childhood when I would pass out at school or other places. The first question my mother would always ask me when I came to was, "did you eat, Tracie?" or "did you eat breakfast?" That prevented a lot of trips to the hospital unless I was with someone who didn't know about my issue.
One time I was out with my aunt and sisters and I just fell out. I remember exactly how it happened. I was standing there feeling very weak. I immediately thought, oh shit, I am going to pass out and so I did. I passed out so much in life I knew exactly what the pregame felt like. I just so happened to be standing in huge crowd of people when this happened.
My aunt was freaking out. I was in and out of consciousness enough to see how much money my aunt unknowingly pulled out of her wallet to give to her friend to make sure my sisters had a good time while I was rushed to the hospital. I thought I was telling my aunt that I needed food but who knows what I was blubbering out or my mouth other than drool. My mom and grandma met us at the hospital and after all the hoop la my stats came out normal, of course. My two reasons for passing out when I was young was heat exhaustion and malnutrition. My mom know which one was the culprit in this case. I felt bad for scaring my aunt but she quickly turned her attitude around when I revealed how much money she had given her friend...
From that moment on I decided I didn't ever want to be embarrassed like that again, nor miss out on a fun Saturday with my aunt. I didn't exactly start eating everyday/meal but at least on the days when we were going to do stuff. One time my aunt said she didn't feel comfortable taking me out this time, jokingly of course. So, she made everybody stop and wait while I scarfed some food in my belly at the last minute so I could be eligible for the trip. While eating she sang me the following song which was a play off of the Aristocats movie:
We are Siamese if you please
We are Siamese if you don't please
If Tracie don't hurry
I am going to leave
We are Siamese if you please.
I can still hear the laughter form my siblings as my aunt made fun of me. I laughed too but I hated being reminded to eat.
Die Food with A Vengeance!
From that point on I would make sure to eat at least twice a day and to eat something like bread or sweets when I felt the pass out pregame show coming on. Also, I decided to just lay down when I felt weak to conserve energy, not matter where I was. My mom was not a big fan of my laying down on street curbs in the middle of downtown. And while I thought this was new game plan, she told me that I always just sat down when I was weak or tired. The good news from all this is I went years before I embarrassingly passed out again but I still didn't start eating the way I should.
When we were in poverty, food was hard to come by which shouldn't have been a big deal for this under eater. But trying to make it on two meals of toast with cinnamon, sugar, and butter on it twice a day (that was all had most of the time) was not enough. Experiencing moments of starvation was not good times. Then again, maybe if I weren't such a picky eater, I could have spread some peanut butter on that bread and been better off. Still don't like peanut butter but reces cups are tolerable.
We'll fast forward to college where I started eating more, maybe too much. I ended up weighing a whopping 177lbs after a couple years at school!!! I had no idea that I had gained so much weight and I only noticed by seeing a picture of myself. What's even more surprising was that food was not the culprit. I still had issues eating. I got to the point where I was mainly eating for energy, that and I had access to food through my job at the cafeteria. Yes, working at the cafeteria in college had many advantages namely free food! And if you don't like free food, you are not American!! Also to get through my classes I would stop for a big meal at lunch which was fast food. Just like in high school, sometimes that would be the only meal I ate for the entire day. My body started to store fat. I was eating just to have enough energy to make it through my classes.
So, I started working out and watching what I ate. I got down to a better weight and relaxed until I encountered depression. With depression your relationship with food is one of two things: too much or too little. Well, introduce depression to a person who needed to be reminded to eat and you can guess which relationship I had with food. I got to the point where I would only eat cookies and milk all day.
While working at the Walmart deli I passed out in the kitchen. I knew it was coming and didn't do anything about it. I think I wanted it in some sick way. A trip to the hospital showed normal stats and of course it was all in my head...stupid doctors. (Just a side note I had been tested for diabetes and was fine. I suspected hypoglycemia or hyperglycemia but docs still said negativo). My ex knew what the issue was and made me take a look in the mirror at myself. I could see my ribs! I looked disgusting and didn't realize this just like I didn't realize when I had gained weight. I was about 120lbs which may look good on some people at my height of 5 feet 7 inches but on me, I looked like one of those kids on the feed the hungry commercials.
The Battle for Food, The War for Health
Here is the kicker, I had started going to therapy shortly before that to figure out what my deal was with eating. Turns out I had an eating disorder that was called an eating disorder or EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified...google it). It would seem easier to explain if it were one of the famous ones like anorexia or bulimia but it was just a disorder. I didn't have body image issues and I never have. I didn't barf nor was I OCD about eating, I just didn't eat. It wasn't on my mind. I also found out around this time that I was an over taster. I finally had an answer to why I didn't like fruit. I liked spicy food because it felt like I was really eating a lot. That is a mental trick for over tasters. I finally had the answer to my eating issue and where did it land me? Right back to the hospital. I knew what my issue was but I didn't know what to do about it other than to make myself eat. And when you have to force yourself to do something for the wrong reason (energy and other people do it), then your heart is not in it and you will not be successful.
After this long battle with food my husband, then boyfriend, turned things around for me. After a while he was asking me if I remembered to eat. I couldn't believe things had lead down this road of him treating me like my mom did. Of course, I barely noticed. I remember talking to him on the phone one time about how I almost passed out. I was speaking about it very matter-of-factly not even thinking about how this may sound or make him feel. He was worried about me the first couple of times I did this but one day he had enough.
He knew that my symptoms were preventable if I would make sure I ate. He turned from worried to putting his foot down. He told me that he was upset and disappointed in me that I wasn't taking care of this. I told him I would eat immediately when symptoms came on to make things right but that wasn't good enough for him. I wasn't eating for the right reason. He pretty much told me taking responsibility for eating is deciding to live. I have to eat to live and live to eat and if I don't eat, then I must not want to live. Suicide issues aside, it had never been put to me like that before. I told him I would take care of myself from now on.
Food Not the Enemy...
And I did. It wasn't easy transitioning to the world of the living (as far as food is concerned...sorry zombie lovers). I did have to remind myself a lot to eat. I would set aside certain times of day to eat and fit it into my schedule as something I have to do. Making sure I ate started me on a food journey that would change my life. For financial reasons I stopped eating meat in November 2006. I became a lacto-ovo-vegetarian. I blindly and ignorantly became a vegetarian. I thought I knew about eating. In fact, I bet most people would rate themselves excellent in the category of eating and what to eat as they have been eating their whole lives. I thought I knew what I was doing but I found out through blood donation that I was lacking some vital minerals and vitamins. I became anemic and had iron deficiency. It was short while after that when I decided to really learn about food and how to balance my diet.
I started doing research and reading a lot of books. Part of my motivation was that I have been tested positive for precancerous cervical cancer. In trying to figure out how to fight this I learned that the answers to a cancer free life were close at hand. God designed the immune system to be able to fight any intrusion on the body if maintained at optimal health. I started learning what foods had in them and what foods helped the immune system function as it's best. I was so surprised at all I was learning. I could never look at food the same way again.
Once you learn the good things about food, you learn the bad things too. I figured out why I liked cake so much. I found it surprising that although I was as over taster, I could tolerate the sweetness of cake and cookies. I think it's worth mentioning that I only like plain white or yellow cake. Nothing fruit flavored although I am opening myself up to more things. Also, most cookies are fine unless it's peanut butter or macadamia nut. Ack!
In the Mood for Food!
Anywho, it turns out that it wasn't the taste of cake I was necessarily after but the feeling it gave me while eating it. I learned what it meant to eat emotionally and how to identify why you like certain foods. For example, my mother loved to make cakes and not just for birthdays. Since cakes are associated with happy times in my life, it's not the cake I am after but the feeling I get from eating it. That was such a revelation for me because I have had times when I would eat cake everyday for weeks or down half of cake in one sitting. Those were obviously times when I felt I needed some emotional comfort. I read that it's important to really take in how you feel when you eat any food to see how it caters to you emotions. You should try this; it is eye opening. It is also daunting and after a while I felt too much pressure to try to figure out why I liked french fries so much or chocolate chip cookies.
Although I was committed to eating meals, I definitely had a small relapse in the healthy food department. I became so overwhelmed. Eat this, don't eat that. Stay away from this. Don't eat too much of that but you can have some in moderation. In my Peter Griffin voice: Ugh, you know what really grinds my gears? When people say have this or that in moderation. Fuck your moderation! What is the quantity of moderation? Can it be measured? Can I eat it until my tummy aches or is that too much? Does that mean if I put moderate size spoon fulls in my mouth, that I can eat the entire box of ice cream? That is the most ridiculous rule I have ever heard so shove your moderation up your ass!!!!
Food to the Rescue!
My apologies, sorry. I had a moment. Sadly though, that is how I would feel some days. The problem was that, I was what I was eating so I decided to clean house. When I became a smarter vegetarian I started to feel better and look better. It took me years to get to that point. I have opened my world to foods I didn't like before like tomatoes (yes, didn't like tomatoes as a kid...too strong) and avocados. I love to taste any new kind of veggie. I still have my issues with fruit but I eat fruit practically everyday now when I can. I only eat fruit for breakfast and for breakfast I only eat fruit even though my pool is still limited (still don't like berries). The best thing eating fruit and only fruit for breakfast has done for me is help my morning stomach.
Do you remember when I mentioned part of the reason I didn't want to eat breakfast was because my stomach wasn't ready? Well, I think the reality was that my stomach had to work too hard to digest food (for those of you that don't know, digestion is the most energy consuming thing our bodies naturally do and when you give it bad things to digest or foods that take too much work to digest, you keep your body from focusing on other processes). It was distracting and at times painful to eat in the morning. Eating only fruit for breakfast has been a miracle for me. In fact, I even fast before noon sometimes and it feels great! I have so much energy.
It's been a long food journey but I am happy to say that I have a wonderful relationship with food now, the best ever! Everyday I learn more and more about food and it's exciting. There are still stressful times like when eating out and trusting that it's a good food source. There are also still times when I want some emotional support from my food and drink. I try to do my best to get through and I am successful for the most part.
I will also admit to obsessing over what to eat at times but I manage to cope with that as well. The biggest food lesson I have learned is that you are what you eat! If you eat chemically plumped chickens instead of free range organic chicken, then that is what you are. If you are eating fried fatty foods all day, then that is what you are. Take control of your health and decide to be something different. I am going to blog about food on a spiritual level later on so be on the look out. In the mean time, just ask yourself why you are hungry for a certain food and be honest with yourself about. If you have an eating disorder, please find help from someone. Peace!
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