My mentor (whom I have not spoken to in a while) said something about not drinking alcohol anymore. I assured him I didn't drink enough to be concerned but lately I might have to disagree. Starting about three weeks ago for two weeks I found myself drinking way too much. At least more than is normal for me.
Alcohol and Flight Crew Members
Rules and Regs
In my job there is a lot of social drinking or what some might even call peer influenced alcoholism. Because everything in my industry revolves around safety, the FAA and the companies we work for have strict rules surrounding alcohol consumption. The FAA says that you can't drink within the 8 hours before you have to report for duty and your blood alcohol level must not be greater than 0.02. If a company's rules are more strict than the FAA rule, then you must follow the company's rules and my company just so happens to have such rules. We are not allowed to drink within 12 hours of our duty time and our blood alcohol level must not be more than 0.005 (it use to be 0.04). I imagine that 0.005 is like taking cough syrup...
I have had about 5 random drug and alcohol tests since I have been employed at my company, all of which I have obviously passed since I am still employed. The funny thing is that I definitely did not drink as often as I do now when I had those tests (all within year one). I will say there have been times after a night of drinking on a layover when I was very curious about what I would blow. I will not put anyone else's life in danger let alone let a fellow co-worker work under the influence, especially the pilots. Most people don't know that most of the rules of the aviation industry are written in blood. I wish sometimes I could tell people, "the reason I need you to put your purse under the seat in front of you is because you purse could cause people to lose their lives in an evacuation because you or someone could trip over it on your way out."
Sleep over Alcohol
A night of good laughs is not worth risking lives. I think that when people are given too many rules or are told they can't do something, they want to do it that much more. Some folk in my industry can't wait to get an alcoholic beverage just because they are under restrictions all the time. We are constantly counting hours, minutes and seconds in my line of work and one of the things we are always conscience of is how much drink time/sleep time we have left. Now not all of our layovers allow time to drink so when you see a flight crew rushing to their hotel, it's not just to get in some drink time before it's too late.
The minute you arrive at your destination, like literally the moment the seat belt sign goes off at the gate, we are considered to be "resting." Most airlines do not consider how long it takes to get passengers off the plane, the time it takes to walk through the airport to get to your hotel van, let alone the time it takes the van to get to the hotel in your rest time. I have had times when that whole process can take an hour (in which another hour or more is devoted to getting showered, packed, dressed, and driven to the airport the next day) and a 9 hour layover can get very short very quickly. Oh, and when you get somewhere knowing you have to wake up at 4 or 5 in the morning the next day, it's sooooo easy to fall asleep (please note the sarcasm). In fact, on my last layover, I went to bed at 9pm, knowing I had to wake up at 4am and couldn't fall asleep until about 12am because I kept thinking about waking up in 7 hours, 6 hours, 5 hours, etc. etc.
Heh, does my job still look glamorous to you? Oh, I am living the dream!!!! Lol, maybe I'll have another blog about how flight attendants and first officers make less than minimum wage and can barely afford to eat and pay rent.
A (not so) Brief History of Alcohol In My Life
Childhood Influence
I did not grow up in a house where there was alcohol or drinking. Drinking was a bad thing and nothing necessary to have a good time. There are some cultural elements to that as well. Most black folk look at drinking as a bad thing even though a lot of them drink. When we moved out of my grandparents house (my mom, my siblings, and I) and into a new place with me stepdad (A muslim thus no drinking), my mother started giving us a little champagne on New Year's Eve. That was the only time we drank and she only gave us enough for a couple of sips. I thought it was absolutely disgusting and it affected me more quickly than my siblings. I didn't know then about how sensitive my taste buds are and why I would never like the taste of alcohol.
My ex boyfriend from high school was a first generation Jamaican American. That's when I discovered other cultures are a lot more relaxed when it comes to drinking. We use to have debates about whether or not I would allow alcohol in the house if we got married. I didn't necessarily think it was the devil, I just didn't grow up around it so I didn't feel comfortable with it.
College Influence
I think I might have tasted a beer or two before turning 21 but I didn't drink. I remember my freshmen year of college I went to a couple of house parties. I tasted a jello shot and thought, whoa, that's dangerous and deceiving. Not gonna do it! I had a drink to look cool but I found it disgusting and pointless. Not for me! My friends made fun of me for not drinking (not really friends I suppose). I really enjoyed being the sober person and watching people make fools of themselves.
I was kinda useless to my friends since I didn't know how to drive but most of these house parties and bars were walking distance so I was the designated escort: I made sure people got back to their dorm rooms ok and especially alone. I wasn't always successful in making sure they were alone but I did what I could. I remember one of my actual friends was pretty drunk and this guy was trying to get her to go with him. I made sure she did not go with this guy and even tucked her in that night leaving the garbage can by her bed. Boy did she have the worse hangover! Her poor roommate said he was barfing all over the place that night. So here I was around alcohol for the first time and this is what I was seeing. Oh, there was no way I wanted any part of that. I decided I would not drink and I had no reason to consume something that tasted so terrible. I would feel intoxicated from my friend's energy (being an empath will make you feel anything someone else feels) and that was all the drunk I needed!
The first semester of my freshmen year was the only time I went to any party or bar and I didn't do anything else until I turned 21. When I turned 21 my ex asked me to buy him some beer which I had no problem with. I didn't want to be a stiff and I didn't want to live the rest of my life uncomfortable around alcohol. That was the first time I bought alcohol and I don't even think I drank any. Well, I might have bought my way into those college house parties freshmen year, so that may have technically been the first time. I had no idea how far behind I was on the drinking thing. By that point all of my siblings (except my little bros at the time) had been drinking and started early. My ex was an experienced drinker as well because of his culture. I was kinda out of place. I would tell people I didn't drink because I didn't like way it tastes and I didn't judge anyone for drinking.
That all changed around the fall of 2005 when "a friend" of mine or should I say former friend found out I had never been drinking or had never been drunk. When I told her this information she said to me, "I am going to pop your cherry." I was so naive in the world that I didn't even know what that meant! I spent my college years getting straight As, working to pay the rent, and trying to save my ex's life. I had allowed my ex to manipulate me out of many relationships (my family included). Everything I did was with my ex. Well, at this time in my life my ex and I were broken up but unfortunately still living together. So, I let this friend take me to bar and the first thing I drank is the most disgusting shit I have ever had in my drinking life and I had it a few times that night. I trusted this person to know what she was doing and to make sure I was safe. I was getting drunk and that was her only goal: to get me shit faced.
Don't EVER tell a bunch of college kids you have never been drunk. I guess that's how some kids die from alcohol. I was so drunk that when I got home I could barely get up the stairs. I fell asleep on the futon in my loft. My ex was very disappointed at my condition. I wish he would have educated me more about drinking to drink and not drinking to get drunk like most Americans do. He was right and I felt disgusting. I thought, is this what drinking is about??? I hated it! It felt good while it was happening but when it stopped the room started spinning faster than the globe. I told myself I would never drink again. Lol, who doesn't say that after drinking? Well, you wanna know the best part? I wasn't hungover at all the next day. I woke up the next day feeling completely normal. That is the first time I discovered that I didn't get hungover. I was expecting the hangover but it never happened.
Disney's Influence
Well, I didn't drink again until I got to Disney World (another group of potential alcoholics) and that was several months later. I drank again that very first night at Disney with my new roommates. We all were over 21 and were very excited about out new adventure. I confessed my lack of drinking experience with them and rather than get me fuck drunk, they introduced to casual drinking and social drinking with friends. I went to my first night club that night and had a great time dancing with my new girls. I had never had girls before. I had never felt comfortable dancing in public before.
I changed that night and writing it now I am just realizing it. That was a night of many firsts and it was great! First time being so far from everything I knew (Hmmm, a precursor of my desire to be on the move). First time living with strangers. First time at a night club. The first night out of many with my bitches. The first time I felt comfortable dancing in public (which was interesting because I danced very Chicago style and that was very different from Orlando). The first time I had been in a car where the driver had an alcoholic beverage. No, she wasn't drunk but I can't say I thought that was always the case on some nights. The first time I felt free from my ex. It was life changing and it wasn't all centered around the alcohol like my firsts experiences with it. The alcohol wasn't even secondary to just having a good time.
I started drinking while working at Disney World. What does that say about the happiest place on Earth??? Now, I still didn't care for the taste of alcohol so I didn't drink every night and that was always a topic of conversation in the apartment. Unlike my former friends from college, they made fun of me in a way that didn't make me feel bad. I still liked the idea of being the sober one to tell my girls if I guy wasn't really all the cute or to keep the losers away. We were all very attractive women and were always the hot girls at the club, though there were some nights those Orlando bitches gave us a run for our money. We were all broke in Disney so we only when out on nights where ladies either got in for free and/or drank for free. I also remember the first time one of my roommates started driving after having a few drinks. I was sober but couldn't help since I didn't drive. I was quite impressed with her skills and decision making but still freaking out inside. I don't support driving under the influence and we all agreed on that and had a designated driver from then on out!
I remember one time my roommates gave me a challenge. There were many nights I didn't go out with them or went out and didn't want to drink. One of the reasons for that was because my future husband had just recently asked me to be his girlfriend. At the time all we had were our nights to talk and spend time together. Of course like good friend's they both supported and made fun of my nights sleeping on the phone with him. So one week they said, I bet you could not go out to club every night of a week. I said, yes, I can! So that was the deal. I had to go out every night for a week and drink too. Oh boy. Now, I already felt old. I knew people who would go out every night and think, where do you find the energy?!!??! I remember almost falling asleep at the club a couple times! Like, going to bed at 10pm was ideal for me.
I took on this challenge with strategy and pride! I looked up all the night clubs and decided which ones would be the cheapest to go to. I also had Pleasure Island on this list because at the time it was free from Thursday to Sunday for employees (boy oh boy, Disney employees really took advantage of that. In fact, I think the employee pay was on rotation because it all came back in through Pleasure Island, lol). Since I didn't get hungover, I wasn't worried about how I would feel the next day after drinking seven days straight. I went out every night that week and I even outlasted my roomies who thought I wouldn't get pass three nights! I was proud of myself at the end of night seven but concluded that clubbing and drinking every night was not for me!! I was sooo tired by day 6 that I thought I wasn't going to make but I pushed through!
Post Disney Influence
After Disney I didn't drink much but I was definitely more open to drinking. I went out with my sisters in Chicago for the first time ever and it was fun! Back then I only thought drinking was something you did when you were out with your girlfriends at a club. It wasn't until I came into the aviation industry where that all changed for me; not really until last year ironically amongst Lutheran Christians...
The Rules
Oh, I should mention my first time being hungover. I think it happened for the first time at Disney so whatever I did to drink that night I never did it again. I started making rules about drinking the very first night I got drunk in college. Every time I drink to a point where I felt terrible during or the next day like hungover or sick, I never drink that way again. The rules are as follows: I have a rule about not mixing more than two types of liquors. I will never drink jaeger , suicides, or white wine EVER again, or have more than ten beers at one time and ten is pushing the limits. I have also observed that when I mix too many different types of drinks, I feel terrible. So, if I drink liquor, it should just be that and limited to one type or color. Beer doesn't screw me over as much as liquor. Red wine doesn't do me badly either but that is only in limitation. It's the only one that won't ruin my health as badly as all the rest.
So when I woke up with my first hangover I didn't know what was happening. I thought I was sick from something. I did not like the way that felt and was so grateful I didn't have to experience that on the regular. If I drank too much for consecutive nights in a row, then I would eventually feel hungover. I have only thrown up about 4 nights since I started drinking and that is 4 too many! I hate barfing. I feel terrible when it happens so I refuse to do something to induce it. One very important factor I forgot to mention in all of this is that I am lite weight. I have gotten severely buzzed from a small glass of white wine or just one or two beers. My friends have always said it was good thing because I would never have to spend a lot of money on drinking.
I am almost always the first person to begin to feel the affects of alcohol when I am out with others and lucky for them I am happy drunk. I feel very happy and energetic when I drink. I am very entertaining but not slutty or wild. Another very important thing to mention is that I remember absolutely EVERYTHING when I drink. I think only once or twice I drank and didn't remember everything I did or said and you better believe whatever I drank and how much I drank of it created new drinking rules. I didn't like that feeling and I don't believe that people should be excused for their actions when drinking. As I believe in the power of creation, people create being forgetful when drinking because it's easier to wake up the next day without accountability. I don't judge people for this but this is what works for me in my life. I also love sometimes being the person to remind people of the wonderful things they did the night before... =P
Welcome to Aviation
I should also mention that my first experience with alcohol at my job actually came my first night at a flight attendant. My inflight supervisor at the time asked me where I was going for my layover. I said, Louisville. He said, nice, for how long? I said, 18 hours. He looked at me with a big grin on his face and said, well I hope you brought your going out shoes. I kinda panicked inside but didn't show it on my face. Here I was nervous about flying for the first time and I didn't pack any cute shoes to go out. What was I in for?!??! I certainly did not think it was drinking. Well, we went to downtown Louisville on Fourth Street. I wasn't that big on drinking and I had decided I was not going to drink on my first night at my job. Also, I didn't know these people and mama didn't raise no fool!
You think that stopped my crew? These motherfuckers got so drunk that we must have hit about 6 different clubs and bars and I had to walk their drunk asses back the hotel because they got lost. I was thinking, what the fuck did I just get myself into? Is that what this job is like???? I have yet to have that much fun again on a layover. When I came downstairs the next day the entire crew was quiet and looked tired. My instructor gave me a speech that I had no idea I would be giving myself one day to a student of mine. He told me that last night was not normal. He said most crews don't hang out like that on layovers nor do they get that wasted. He told me to be careful who I drink around and obey the rules. Safety is the most important thing so make sure you are safe. Not just for you but for your passengers.
I remember the first time I was smashed at work on a layover. We had a long layover in Jacksonville and the crew went out to a restaurant for lunch. I think we were all drunk (except my captain who was smart enough to stop because somebody had to responsible enough to call for our ride) by like 3pm. I have never started drinking that early before in my life and I was sooo wasted. I had sooo much fun though! Like, that was during the first few months of flying and I just had that much fun again this year, three years later. It was good times!!
The next day though my friend was not looking or feeling good the next day. Now since I don't get hungover I was confident I would feel great the next day. But this girl looked in bad shape. I questioned whether or not she was safe to fly. The flight was pretty empty that morning so I told her to just sit down I will work both first class and the main cabin. If she was not a good friend of mine, I am not sure if I would have let that go. It was the first time I started to keep an eye on my co workers.
I probably was drinking once every month or two months or so. I still was not a big drinker; I hated the taste of alcohol, especially liquor, I was still a lite weight, and I was broke and couldn't really afford it. Every now and again the pilots would buy the drinks because they knew how broke we were. I remember that the day after a holiday I was in Louisville working a trip with a good friend of mine. Since it was a holiday we all decided to go to the bar for dinner, even though the layover was short. I thought it was just for dinner but then my captain ordered a beer and so did the first officer. I was in shock!
My layover was less than 12 hours and I felt a moral dilemma. I was really worried. Were we all going to die the next day because they both drank one beer!!?!??! I told myself to sleep on it and see how they are tomorrow. The next day they seemed fine and were wide awake. I felt safe. The next day they were freaking out because they thought I would get them fired or something. I just told them I don't know much about drinking but that I was concerned about feeling safe. That is when they told me why the government had an 8 hour rule and how one beer is not going to put you over the limit. That didn't necessarily make it right but it did get me to relax. That was the only time I witnessed a pilot drinking pass my company's rules.
It wasn't until I got closer to The Fish that daily drinking re-entered my life. Ironically enough this happened while I was staying with her very religious family in Wisconsin. I had never EVER seen Christians drinking before. I thought it was something they didn't do...even though Jesus turned water into wine. That is what her family mostly drank but there was liquor and beer too! Every night, I mean every night I had a drink. It was strange. I also had finally found a drink that didn't send my taste buds into a frenzy: Baileys with Milk! What a dangerous drink too because you don't taste the booze. Ever since staying with The Fish's family, I think I have been drinking what I would classify as regularly, although I know what I think of as regular is still pretty amateur.
Since my husband is from the Dominican Republic, he has also helped me drink wisely. You see, he let me know that Americans drink to get drunk and most other people in the world, drink to drink and the side effects are not necessarily the goal. I am not sure if you understand that but that is kinda how The Fish's family drinks. When I went to my husband's country for the first time I was shocked at home much they drink but are not really alcoholics in general. Like, they drink right inside or right outside of the liquor store. No one is acting a fool. People are just having a good time. Do they get drunk? Sure they do but drinking is not such a big fucking deal down there that they don't know how to handle it. I remember drinking in the colonial zone on New Year's Eve in Santo Domingo! It's the historical landmark where Columbus first touched down on the Americas. You could not go drinking at Alamo in Texas and I am sure if you tried, you would get arrested.
Why I Want To Stop Drinking
Well, as you can read from my history if you survived that long story, I have never been a big fan of drinking. I understand why people do and I have to answer that question for myself. Why do I drink? I drink to be social sometimes. I have drank to fall asleep. I have drank to have unihibited sex (though that has only been a few times and only with the husband...all my sex is uninhibited). I have drank to feel drunk. I have drank just to feel a buzz.
I am trying to think of a good reason to drink. I am trying to think about how drinking can help me be where I want to be physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I just don't see it helping me to do that. In fact, my system felt better when I didn't drink. One of the side effects from drinking for me is to poop everything out the next day. My body has always let things go that were not good for it and I am sure my body can't stand the cleansing the next day...neither can my nose. I am soooo foul!
I like being able to feel the effects of alcohol without having to drink so much of it and I think if I drink more frequently I will lose that ability (although, it doesn't seem likely). I don't think there is anything wrong with a little buzz but I really don't want or need more than that. In fact, why do I need alcohol? I don't think that I do. The Fish, who I look up to for her standards, told me that when she was in high school she had a school project that was really frustrating for her. She was sooo stressed and her mom wanted to help. So, her mom told her to give it rest for the time being and gave her a glass of wine. I think that influenced The Fish's view of drinking and she still does that to this day.
My ideals around drinking have also been influenced by those around me. You drink to get smashed, you drink when you want to party with your friends, you drink when you have a night out with the girls, you drink on long layovers because you should, you drink at the end of long day to wind down.
When have I decided how drinking will be apart of my life? I mean, I am not at all blaming anyone for my consumption. I just know that most of time, I don't do it for me. If drinking is not from me and for those around me, then I shouldn't do it. If I am drinking in an emotional state, I should not do it. If I am drinking to feel more loose, then I should not do it. In fact, when is drinking drinking for the right reasons? What is the right reason to drink for me and why? I know a lot of this debate stems from being told as a child drinking is bad. I was raised to think that drinking is bad and thus I am focusing on why it is bad for me. I think until I can get a handle on trying to find a purpose for it in my life, then I shouldn't do it.
Another thing is that I am wondering if drinking inhibits my ability to connect with my intuition although something recently happened that would have me think otherwise. I was having Thanksgiving Dinner at a friend's house and I felt an energy from the girl across the table. It was something tragic that made me want to ball up in a corner and cry. There was guilt attached to it too! I was shocked I could feel this under the influence. I was right about the feeling. Something tragic happened to her yet I wonder if I was not so drunk would I have been able to pin point exactly what had happened to her. Could it possibly be the other way around though and it was the alcohol that opened me up? I am thinking yoga could have the same effect if not better. In fact, from now on when I feel the need to drink, I should do some deep meditation and breathing for figure out what it is I want to express or brake free from.
Conclusively, I see there is a part of me that is still attached to drinking. Like, I am afraid to give it up. Like I am afraid of limiting myself. Maybe that is my ego coming through so strong. I am not sure how I feel about drinking on a soul level. I mean, if the bible is accurate about Jesus and the wine thing, could it be all the bad? I know I think drinking is bad when your actions are negative or when they hurt others or yourself. I don't want to be in the state of being.
I was recently so drunk that I saw myself doing something stupid but did it anyway. It wasn't anything big. I was just posing for a picture with a pilots jacket on a bottle of Jack Daniel's in my hand. While it was happening, I thought, this is dumb, this is not me. Lucky for me a friend chimed in and said, delete that picture, that is not a good idea. It woke me up. I thought, at what point am I at in my life when I do things like that for the entertainment of others?
Definitely think there is a cause for concern. If I am ready to live through my soul and not give into the flesh, then the decision to stop drinking should be easy. I am not sure if this is something I want to commit to for the rest of my life, much like my vegetarianism, but for now I think it will be good for me to lay off and get in touch with deeper parts of my being. I do know that not only do the effects of the alcohol prevent this but so does the time and money put into it. Not gonna drink until half marathon time! At least that is a plane...God Bless!
Monday, November 28, 2011
Happy Thanksgivng No More...
Log time no blog. Don't really have a good reason as I why I haven't blogged. I have been flying almost everyday but I have had time on my layovers. The past couple of weeks have been bananas!
I worked a trip with a crew and it was by far the best four day I have had all year! My only gripe is that I drank every day of the trip and it makes me feel like an alcoholic, lol. Anywho, I worked with my running Coach who I will call Chocolate Ice Cream or CIC for short. CIC and I have been texting back and forth for a while in what I thought was a total platonic relationship but he has definitely spelled it out for me that he finds me very attractive. Glad to see that some of my naivety is fading away. Anywho, CIC is pretty damn attractive on paper. Well educated, chocolate, athletic, a total and complete gentleman and sweetheart, established, fun, etc. etc.
If my husband is supposed to be my 80% and CIC my 20% then I must be wrong on my math because CIC is pretty sick (in a bad ass way of course). But before we sign CIC off as the total package there are drawbacks. I am not sure we would mesh well as a couple as far as our interests, he is 41 years old, he is just now coming into who he wants to be, and well, we all know by now that I am not the relationship type. I am not in the mood to get to know anyone else, fall in love, or fuck (that may just be the current state of affairs). I don't care to be in relationships with people, especially romantic ones. Why? Time, money, effort, blah blah blah...let's face it. I'm pretty lazy when it comes to sharing myself with others. Speaking of which, I need to connect with my family more. This loner thing is hard to balance with love.
Anywho, so I work this trip with him and we have sooo much fun together. Like, I can't stop thinking of him and how we should hang out. I have to becareful though because I don't want him to think he has a chance with me. I think I have made this pretty clear. The point is I drank myself under the table on that trip. I wanted to lay off but then Thanksgiving rolled around...oh boy.
So here was the drama. I was done with a 3-day trip on Thanksgiving morning and I didn't really feel any desire to spend Thanksgiving with my family especially my husband. After I boarded the plane to go home I had this strong feeling inside of me that wanted to get off the plane running. I thought if I stayed on the plane I was choosing my relationship. But on a non-deep level, I just didn't feel like having the typical thanksgiving my family has let alone staring at my husband do nothing and sink into himself. So, what did I do...I ran off the plane and at the last minute too. I felt such a sense of relief. Earlier in the day I updated my facebook status by asking if anyone would put my up in MSP if I got stuck. I got sooo many offers and there were even two people fighting over my presence. It was great!
I ended up going to a friend's house. This friend will be known as The Eastern King (PTW reference) or TEK for short. TEK is meant to be with my soul in this lifetime. He is so evolved and great at being in the moment. I have the most fun whenever I am with him. I can be myself with him and not care about anything in the world. What an amazing person! When I got injured (My Injury) he was the first person I thought to call in MSP to help and he dropped everything to come to rescue. Never had a friend like that before and I don't want to anything to lose him. The ironic part is that we were in flight attendant training class together but we weren't ready for each other at the time. We both had a lot of growing and learning to do.
Anywho, The Eastern King invited me over to his families house for the holiday and I started drinking at 12pm and didn't stop until about 2300. I don't think I had every drank that long before in my life. His family is awesome and I would love to be the kind of parents his aunt and uncle are one day. He lives with his aunt and uncle and I have been there several times. I also enjoy their family, especially their amazing children. I had such a great time, best Thanksgiving in a long time. I was in a food coma by like 1600...yes we had already eaten and that was probably the earliest I had ever eaten on Thanksgiving. It was quite nice. After that we went to The Gnome's house. He is one of our captains. We ate more food and drank for alcohol. I danced the night away and the night ended with a stop through the white castle drive thru...
I worked a trip with a crew and it was by far the best four day I have had all year! My only gripe is that I drank every day of the trip and it makes me feel like an alcoholic, lol. Anywho, I worked with my running Coach who I will call Chocolate Ice Cream or CIC for short. CIC and I have been texting back and forth for a while in what I thought was a total platonic relationship but he has definitely spelled it out for me that he finds me very attractive. Glad to see that some of my naivety is fading away. Anywho, CIC is pretty damn attractive on paper. Well educated, chocolate, athletic, a total and complete gentleman and sweetheart, established, fun, etc. etc.
If my husband is supposed to be my 80% and CIC my 20% then I must be wrong on my math because CIC is pretty sick (in a bad ass way of course). But before we sign CIC off as the total package there are drawbacks. I am not sure we would mesh well as a couple as far as our interests, he is 41 years old, he is just now coming into who he wants to be, and well, we all know by now that I am not the relationship type. I am not in the mood to get to know anyone else, fall in love, or fuck (that may just be the current state of affairs). I don't care to be in relationships with people, especially romantic ones. Why? Time, money, effort, blah blah blah...let's face it. I'm pretty lazy when it comes to sharing myself with others. Speaking of which, I need to connect with my family more. This loner thing is hard to balance with love.
Anywho, so I work this trip with him and we have sooo much fun together. Like, I can't stop thinking of him and how we should hang out. I have to becareful though because I don't want him to think he has a chance with me. I think I have made this pretty clear. The point is I drank myself under the table on that trip. I wanted to lay off but then Thanksgiving rolled around...oh boy.
So here was the drama. I was done with a 3-day trip on Thanksgiving morning and I didn't really feel any desire to spend Thanksgiving with my family especially my husband. After I boarded the plane to go home I had this strong feeling inside of me that wanted to get off the plane running. I thought if I stayed on the plane I was choosing my relationship. But on a non-deep level, I just didn't feel like having the typical thanksgiving my family has let alone staring at my husband do nothing and sink into himself. So, what did I do...I ran off the plane and at the last minute too. I felt such a sense of relief. Earlier in the day I updated my facebook status by asking if anyone would put my up in MSP if I got stuck. I got sooo many offers and there were even two people fighting over my presence. It was great!
I ended up going to a friend's house. This friend will be known as The Eastern King (PTW reference) or TEK for short. TEK is meant to be with my soul in this lifetime. He is so evolved and great at being in the moment. I have the most fun whenever I am with him. I can be myself with him and not care about anything in the world. What an amazing person! When I got injured (My Injury) he was the first person I thought to call in MSP to help and he dropped everything to come to rescue. Never had a friend like that before and I don't want to anything to lose him. The ironic part is that we were in flight attendant training class together but we weren't ready for each other at the time. We both had a lot of growing and learning to do.
Anywho, The Eastern King invited me over to his families house for the holiday and I started drinking at 12pm and didn't stop until about 2300. I don't think I had every drank that long before in my life. His family is awesome and I would love to be the kind of parents his aunt and uncle are one day. He lives with his aunt and uncle and I have been there several times. I also enjoy their family, especially their amazing children. I had such a great time, best Thanksgiving in a long time. I was in a food coma by like 1600...yes we had already eaten and that was probably the earliest I had ever eaten on Thanksgiving. It was quite nice. After that we went to The Gnome's house. He is one of our captains. We ate more food and drank for alcohol. I danced the night away and the night ended with a stop through the white castle drive thru...
Sunday, November 6, 2011
I did it!! An Intervention
Oh Universe, how you work in mysterious ways...
Ok, so I have been asking God/The Universe to increase my awareness of the things around me for the purpose of helping myself and those around me. I experienced something today that was amazing! I have a ways to go yet but this was such a great start!
Right now I am on a layover in MCI and I am working with the Fish! I haven't worked a flight with her in almost two years so I am sooo excited. It doesn't even feel like work. It's stress free and fun! Well, she wanted to do a coffee run on the flight after service and asked if I could follow her with water. Of course I could! As we were going down the aisle I looked over at this young lady. I had noticed her earlier during the flight but didn't pay much attention to her (I just thought, cool looking chick, great headphones). As I was walking by this time, I noticed she looked and felt really sad. I also noticed she had a journal she was writing in. It was all sorts of scribbles and scrabbles but there were some words that stood out to me. They were written in big orange writing: Jesus fucking lied. My first thought was whoa, no matter how you feel about Jesus, those are some pretty powerful words.
I asked her if she was ok and she just said yes. That is when I felt this heavy energy from her. Something was really wrong. I finished my water service and told the Fish, I think I will have to do an intervention. I wasn't sure why the word intervention came to me at the time but it did. It came in strong and certain. Of course this puzzled The Fish as well as I didn't give any other details. I just said, it looks like this girl needs an intervention. No one was sitting in the seat next to her so I decided to sit with her for a while. The moment I sat next to her, I wanted to cry. It was so dark and so heavy. I could also smell alcohol and I am not sure if she even smelled that way or not. I just smelled it and felt hungover.
I asked her again if everything was ok. She said no but that she didn't want to talk about it. I told her that I didn't want to weird her out but being next to her makes me want to cry and that I was trying to hold it back. I told her I could feel her energy. I asked her if that was too weird and she said no, I totally believe in that. Yet and still, she was still resistent and walled in. I told her that I would have a hard time saying anything to her if she didn't give me something to work with. I tried to tune into her and see how I could make her feel comfortable enough to talk to me but without pressure or deceit. I decided to be random with her. She looked like a really random kind of chick.
She had piercings, cool hair that was a funky color, really nice headphones, and cool clothes. Her journal looked like it was hand made paper and that was my go ahead. I said, "wow that's a cool journal. The paper looks really cool. I use to make paper. It was cool and Japanese and I would put leaves and stuff in it just like yours." She told me her mom gave it to her. I said oh! She said it was a recovery journal. She then confessed that she was being sent to rehab by her mom; her mom who had never really expressed anything to her before sent her to rehab out of the blue. Her whole family was waiting for her on a Saturday evening to have an Intervention and that she was on her way to California to go to rehab. Wow...
I am not sure if you have heard or seen the tv show intervention but it's some pretty intense stuff. When you have an intervention, it's a surprise. You are brought into a room with people who love and care about you. They all read letters or use some method to express their love, concern, and support for you. It catches you off guard. Most of the people being intervened, the users, don't think they have a problem or know they do and don't see the strength inside to love who they are and stop it. These users often get really pissed at their loved ones and feel tricked into being brought into such a conversation.
The intervention group makes an ultimatum: You either go get help now or I will not be in your life anymore. This threat makes most users go to rehab. And when do they go to rehab? Right after the intervention. No packing (your family has taken care of that). No saying good bye to friends. No parting with your significant other (only if they are not present and especially if they are an enabler). You don't get a day to think about it. You are rushed on a bus, train, or plane to some rehab center in the blink of an eye that is typically far away. It's pretty traumatic...but then again, so is addiction the reasons for it's existence in one's life.
Anywho, I knew what this girl had gone through to be on this plane. While explaining why she was there she then pointed at the guy across from her and her escort. I waved at him and hoped I wasn't doing something wrong with the way the intervention works. She didn't know who he was, had just met his the night before, and that bothered her. She just wanted to get off of the plane and have a cigarette. She wanted to fucking get off the plane. She didn't realize how strong her soul was to have her get on the plane in the first place. That is where I started. I told her that some of the most amazing souls get dealt the toughest cards and have the worse storms because they are so strong. I gave her my favorite saying: life never gives you more than you can handle. Even when it seems like everything is some BS, your soul is hear to learn something amazing and become strong. This was her chance to realize her strength.
I told her that this wasn't a bad thing. I told her it was a great thing. I told her that for so long she has been angry and hurt and trying to numb herself. I told her she didn't need that anymore. I told her she was here on this plane because she was ready to be great! This is when I finally felt the air thin out. Her energy became lighter and she was smiling. Thank God! Commence with random conversation. I told her she looked cool and wished I had friends that looked his her. I asked her what kind of music she liked and she said all! I then asked if she liked mumford and sons and it was a big yes...especially their pandora station (give it a listen). It was this point I finally asked her name and introduced myself. Eh, no need for semantics. I told her what aisle surfing on the plane was and asked her to imagine me doing it during landing.
I told her that in the end, she is going to realize how fucking awesome she is! I told her that I have been realizing how fucking awesome I am and that I feel great. I told her that when you become healthy, the one thing people don't tell you is how the demons are going to come out. Not real once but figurative ones. I told her that when I started eating healthy I was having issues with depression and suicide. When we numb ourselves with substances, we don't get to deal with the underlying issues we are trying to suppress. When you get healthy, all of the shit you couldn't handle while high, fat, or drunk comes at you.
No one tells you this and I think it's BS. I told her straight up that it would be hard sometimes and that she would hurt. BUT I reassured her that undersneath the hurt was love and it's worth getting to. I told her its ok to be angry. I told her it's ok to be upset about what's happening. Express the hurt! Break things! Yell! Kick! Scream! I told her she needs to let out all the things she had been trying to keep in. This will lead her to where the real pain is located. Once you acknowledges that pain, you open the door to love. I told her she has an abundance of love inside of her that is waiting to get out.; enough for her and all those around her.
At this point she was smiling. She seemed lighter. I told her I wanted a place in her journal. I told her to write my name in there. Of course I spelled it our for her since I am such a uncommon Tracie. She wrote "Tracie on a plane" in there which lead to me to ask her if she had ever seen snakes on plane. We then commenced to quote Samuel L. Jackson: Enough is enough, I am tired of these motherfuckin snakes on this motherfuckin plane (best part of the entire movie). We laughed. She was beautiful. I forgot I was working. The seat belt sign came on so I had to get back to work. I went to my galley and kept thinking of her.
As I was in my galley her intervention escort came to the front to use the restroom...I thought I was in trouble. Before going in he said hi. I asked if what I did was ok and he thanked me so graciously. He confessed that this was a tough case, she was having a hard time, and that she really needed that, hell he needed that help to. I then thanked him for the courageous work he does. While he was in the restroom I started to pray for her. Wishing that her soul finds her way and hoping she could see that God will never forsake her! While praying the intervention guy came out and thanked me again. He seemed liter too (no pun intended). That is when I decided to write the girl a note and give it to her when she exited the plane. A few more encouraging words for her to take with her. As she was leaving, she greeted me with a huge smile.
This was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I am not sure how much I will impact her but I am so grateful to God for the opportunity!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A couple things I will do is to surround myself with the white life of the holy spirit before going in next time. After talking to her my body ached so badly. My neck injury started to hurt. I felt completely drained. I forgot to say, observe but don't absorb and I ended up absorbing her energy. It was a lot. I called my Chica and told her about it and of course she enlightened me. She said perhaps being in such a small space with people can work to my advantage because would I have been able to pick up on her energy in a big city? Such a great point!
I got to see how she was feeling though and that was sooo awesome. I am so thankful. Please, pray for this young lady as she embarks on her journey. Send her good energy so she knows she is loved and not alone. God bless!
Ok, so I have been asking God/The Universe to increase my awareness of the things around me for the purpose of helping myself and those around me. I experienced something today that was amazing! I have a ways to go yet but this was such a great start!
Right now I am on a layover in MCI and I am working with the Fish! I haven't worked a flight with her in almost two years so I am sooo excited. It doesn't even feel like work. It's stress free and fun! Well, she wanted to do a coffee run on the flight after service and asked if I could follow her with water. Of course I could! As we were going down the aisle I looked over at this young lady. I had noticed her earlier during the flight but didn't pay much attention to her (I just thought, cool looking chick, great headphones). As I was walking by this time, I noticed she looked and felt really sad. I also noticed she had a journal she was writing in. It was all sorts of scribbles and scrabbles but there were some words that stood out to me. They were written in big orange writing: Jesus fucking lied. My first thought was whoa, no matter how you feel about Jesus, those are some pretty powerful words.
I asked her if she was ok and she just said yes. That is when I felt this heavy energy from her. Something was really wrong. I finished my water service and told the Fish, I think I will have to do an intervention. I wasn't sure why the word intervention came to me at the time but it did. It came in strong and certain. Of course this puzzled The Fish as well as I didn't give any other details. I just said, it looks like this girl needs an intervention. No one was sitting in the seat next to her so I decided to sit with her for a while. The moment I sat next to her, I wanted to cry. It was so dark and so heavy. I could also smell alcohol and I am not sure if she even smelled that way or not. I just smelled it and felt hungover.
I asked her again if everything was ok. She said no but that she didn't want to talk about it. I told her that I didn't want to weird her out but being next to her makes me want to cry and that I was trying to hold it back. I told her I could feel her energy. I asked her if that was too weird and she said no, I totally believe in that. Yet and still, she was still resistent and walled in. I told her that I would have a hard time saying anything to her if she didn't give me something to work with. I tried to tune into her and see how I could make her feel comfortable enough to talk to me but without pressure or deceit. I decided to be random with her. She looked like a really random kind of chick.
She had piercings, cool hair that was a funky color, really nice headphones, and cool clothes. Her journal looked like it was hand made paper and that was my go ahead. I said, "wow that's a cool journal. The paper looks really cool. I use to make paper. It was cool and Japanese and I would put leaves and stuff in it just like yours." She told me her mom gave it to her. I said oh! She said it was a recovery journal. She then confessed that she was being sent to rehab by her mom; her mom who had never really expressed anything to her before sent her to rehab out of the blue. Her whole family was waiting for her on a Saturday evening to have an Intervention and that she was on her way to California to go to rehab. Wow...
I am not sure if you have heard or seen the tv show intervention but it's some pretty intense stuff. When you have an intervention, it's a surprise. You are brought into a room with people who love and care about you. They all read letters or use some method to express their love, concern, and support for you. It catches you off guard. Most of the people being intervened, the users, don't think they have a problem or know they do and don't see the strength inside to love who they are and stop it. These users often get really pissed at their loved ones and feel tricked into being brought into such a conversation.
The intervention group makes an ultimatum: You either go get help now or I will not be in your life anymore. This threat makes most users go to rehab. And when do they go to rehab? Right after the intervention. No packing (your family has taken care of that). No saying good bye to friends. No parting with your significant other (only if they are not present and especially if they are an enabler). You don't get a day to think about it. You are rushed on a bus, train, or plane to some rehab center in the blink of an eye that is typically far away. It's pretty traumatic...but then again, so is addiction the reasons for it's existence in one's life.
Anywho, I knew what this girl had gone through to be on this plane. While explaining why she was there she then pointed at the guy across from her and her escort. I waved at him and hoped I wasn't doing something wrong with the way the intervention works. She didn't know who he was, had just met his the night before, and that bothered her. She just wanted to get off of the plane and have a cigarette. She wanted to fucking get off the plane. She didn't realize how strong her soul was to have her get on the plane in the first place. That is where I started. I told her that some of the most amazing souls get dealt the toughest cards and have the worse storms because they are so strong. I gave her my favorite saying: life never gives you more than you can handle. Even when it seems like everything is some BS, your soul is hear to learn something amazing and become strong. This was her chance to realize her strength.
I told her that this wasn't a bad thing. I told her it was a great thing. I told her that for so long she has been angry and hurt and trying to numb herself. I told her she didn't need that anymore. I told her she was here on this plane because she was ready to be great! This is when I finally felt the air thin out. Her energy became lighter and she was smiling. Thank God! Commence with random conversation. I told her she looked cool and wished I had friends that looked his her. I asked her what kind of music she liked and she said all! I then asked if she liked mumford and sons and it was a big yes...especially their pandora station (give it a listen). It was this point I finally asked her name and introduced myself. Eh, no need for semantics. I told her what aisle surfing on the plane was and asked her to imagine me doing it during landing.
I told her that in the end, she is going to realize how fucking awesome she is! I told her that I have been realizing how fucking awesome I am and that I feel great. I told her that when you become healthy, the one thing people don't tell you is how the demons are going to come out. Not real once but figurative ones. I told her that when I started eating healthy I was having issues with depression and suicide. When we numb ourselves with substances, we don't get to deal with the underlying issues we are trying to suppress. When you get healthy, all of the shit you couldn't handle while high, fat, or drunk comes at you.
No one tells you this and I think it's BS. I told her straight up that it would be hard sometimes and that she would hurt. BUT I reassured her that undersneath the hurt was love and it's worth getting to. I told her its ok to be angry. I told her it's ok to be upset about what's happening. Express the hurt! Break things! Yell! Kick! Scream! I told her she needs to let out all the things she had been trying to keep in. This will lead her to where the real pain is located. Once you acknowledges that pain, you open the door to love. I told her she has an abundance of love inside of her that is waiting to get out.; enough for her and all those around her.
At this point she was smiling. She seemed lighter. I told her I wanted a place in her journal. I told her to write my name in there. Of course I spelled it our for her since I am such a uncommon Tracie. She wrote "Tracie on a plane" in there which lead to me to ask her if she had ever seen snakes on plane. We then commenced to quote Samuel L. Jackson: Enough is enough, I am tired of these motherfuckin snakes on this motherfuckin plane (best part of the entire movie). We laughed. She was beautiful. I forgot I was working. The seat belt sign came on so I had to get back to work. I went to my galley and kept thinking of her.
As I was in my galley her intervention escort came to the front to use the restroom...I thought I was in trouble. Before going in he said hi. I asked if what I did was ok and he thanked me so graciously. He confessed that this was a tough case, she was having a hard time, and that she really needed that, hell he needed that help to. I then thanked him for the courageous work he does. While he was in the restroom I started to pray for her. Wishing that her soul finds her way and hoping she could see that God will never forsake her! While praying the intervention guy came out and thanked me again. He seemed liter too (no pun intended). That is when I decided to write the girl a note and give it to her when she exited the plane. A few more encouraging words for her to take with her. As she was leaving, she greeted me with a huge smile.
This was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I am not sure how much I will impact her but I am so grateful to God for the opportunity!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A couple things I will do is to surround myself with the white life of the holy spirit before going in next time. After talking to her my body ached so badly. My neck injury started to hurt. I felt completely drained. I forgot to say, observe but don't absorb and I ended up absorbing her energy. It was a lot. I called my Chica and told her about it and of course she enlightened me. She said perhaps being in such a small space with people can work to my advantage because would I have been able to pick up on her energy in a big city? Such a great point!
I got to see how she was feeling though and that was sooo awesome. I am so thankful. Please, pray for this young lady as she embarks on her journey. Send her good energy so she knows she is loved and not alone. God bless!
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Blocking Your Transmission
Greetings Bloggers!
So I recently came across a theory as to why some things we ask for from the universe don't come to us. I have a list of things I have wanted to create in my world and some of them I have, some of them have yet to come. One thing to remember is that the Universe doesn't have a sense of time. At least not a sense of time like we do. Things just happen. Once you have an understanding of timing with the Universe there are also a couple other things we have to accept or deal with.
Be Specific About Your Request!
One of those things has to do with being specific. You have to be specific and direct about what you want because the Universe can translate what you want to something totally different if you are not exact. An example of this is when I was working and didn't feel (from the heart) like working for the rest of the day. I decided (mental) I wanted to just end my trip early.
I also imagined having a ferry flight to make this happen and maybe some maintenance issues to make the flight unavailable to passengers. As you know I am a flight attendant and a ferry flight is a flight without passengers to reposition the aircraft to another destination. The only people allowed on the plane are crew members and other people who may be on the release papers for that aircraft. Well, I got what I wanted but not exactly how I wanted it.
I focused more on not working than ending my day early. I started my day really early in the morning, I don't remember what city but it was in Montana. As soon as we got to the plane we had a maintenance issue that delayed us about a couple of hours. However, it seemed like this delay would take up enough of our time to get us out of working our other flights. It turns out the company I worked for had other plans and kept us working the next flight despite our extreme lateness. We had to work two very short flights to Green Bay, WI and back. We had a pretty lite load going to Green Bay which meant I didn't have to do so much work. Hmmm....
After getting the aircraft door ready for arrival to the gate in Green Bay, I prepared to secure the flight deck door once it was open. As the flight deck door flung on, it fell off and as you can imagine, that is one of the worse maintenance and security issues you could have on a plane. I thought for sure we would be cancelled and ferry the plane back to Minneapolis. Oh no! The company decided to delay us four hours while we waited for another plane to bring in parts to fix the door. Are you kidding me?!?!!? The customer service agents in Green Bay had already rebooked the passengers on our flight to the point where there would be no one on the plane at all except the crew. Even though we were without passengers, we were not considered a ferry flight as that apparently means we have to pay big mama Delta money for canceling a flight. Super lame!
So, to sum it up for you I wanted to have a maintenance issue to ferry a plan in order to not work. I forgot to mention to the universe that I wanted this to happen in order to leave work early. Since I wasn't specific enough about what I wanted I didn't get exactly what I wanted. That is how the game works boys and girls.
Feelings Over Thoughts!
Another factor that came into play was that my transmission was blocked by other feelings. See the feeling and the appreciation for what you want is how you create things in your universe. The feeling of not working was way stronger than the feeling of getting done with work early. I totally messed that up. The main problem was that I thought about leaving work early but never felt what it was like to do so.
Tell Me How You Really Feel...
That is how you block your transmission: by sending other feelings to the Universe that are stronger than what you want. This is done consciously or unconsciously and I wish there were better words to describe that is a feeling sort of way. Either way, you have to be in tuned with yourself to send the right feelings. You also have to deal with some past shit in order to clear up the frequency and that takes a lot of work, especially when you have a past full of issues you have yet to address. I recently understood how this has been happening in my life with my BREAKTHROUGH.
I didn't realize how strong certain feelings were inside of me let alone how my ego kept those feelings on the frequency for so many years. I will blog about two themes I think everyone's ego has: fear and being enough/lack. My ego had constantly been sending feelings of things not being enough of something. Not being good enough, fit enough, right enough, wrong enough, not enough money, not enough time, not enough food, not enough love, etc. etc. Think about it. How many times a day do you have feelings like that? Well mine came in pretty strongly and enough to block my transmission to the Universe about what I really wanted.
By not dealing with my past issues I was ruining the transmission between my heart and the Universe. After my breakthrough I felt so much liter and so much more aware. The key is to acknowledge your feelings as valid because all feelings are. However, once you acknowledge, you don't create room for them to manifest into something. You use them as fuel. You make a choice to cater to them in a way that is healthy and positive. My intuition has increased and I more easily able to identify when and why I feel certain things. When you truly figure out the root cause of a feeling, you have reached a another level of spiritual living. Now taking action to find a place for the feeling is the key. This may mean to release it or to find a way to make this feeling something positive for your life.
Not too long ago my husband was wondering why he wasn't getting some of the things he has been trying to create and that is when this idea of blocking your transmission to the Universe really came about. He has buried so many dark and strong feelings inside of him that the Universe is only picking on his strong negative feelings.
The Universe Knows What It's Doing...After All, It's Your Doing!!!
There is one more factor to this transmission thing worth mentioning. The Universe only gives you what you need. For all that you think you are lacking, you have everything you absolutely need in order to fulfill your Soul's Journey. I know some of you are thinking, wtf??? Well, we are not always happy with the truth but we do have to live with it. The words, "I don't need this shit" comes to my mind when I think about having to go through trials and tribulations. However, we have to accept that those trials and tribulations are push-ups for our soul; they make our souls so much stronger.
First of all, we are strong souls to begin with by being on Earth. I have mentioned this in another blog how the most special and strongest souls decide to have the roughest circumstances here on Earth. Everything we do is to make our soul stronger. Everything we experience is supposed to teach us a lesson. We create our universe and we are constantly challenging our souls to do Soul Work! Remember, it is our egos that have us thinking we don't have enough. Let's not beat our ego up though, it too has a purpose and is apart of our being. I have always been a firm believer that God will never give us more than we can handle.
I loved to watch my brother play video games and I always thought every game was winnable. I was always saying to my brother, the game is going to give you what you need, it is not designed to screw you over. I wasn't saying that it was set up so that you would win (I remember how difficult the Final Fantasy XII boss was...). I just knew that everything you needed would be right there in game. Sure you would lose some battles, make mistakes, go through some resets, and try a different pipe, but it was all apart of the learning process. There is a reason why you kept making weird or bad decisions. You did that so you could learn. That is all life is. You make a mistake then you learn from it. If you didn't learn the lesson that you were supposed to learn, then you make the mistake again and again and again until you get it. Once you have learned the lesson you were supposed to learn, you have to put that lesson into action. Guess what happens when you don't take action? You have to play the game again. That pretty much sums up how life works right there!
So If you looked at this blog and thought, why is she so wordy and skipped all the way to the end, here is a summary of...
How To Free Up Your Transmission!
So I recently came across a theory as to why some things we ask for from the universe don't come to us. I have a list of things I have wanted to create in my world and some of them I have, some of them have yet to come. One thing to remember is that the Universe doesn't have a sense of time. At least not a sense of time like we do. Things just happen. Once you have an understanding of timing with the Universe there are also a couple other things we have to accept or deal with.
Be Specific About Your Request!
One of those things has to do with being specific. You have to be specific and direct about what you want because the Universe can translate what you want to something totally different if you are not exact. An example of this is when I was working and didn't feel (from the heart) like working for the rest of the day. I decided (mental) I wanted to just end my trip early.
I also imagined having a ferry flight to make this happen and maybe some maintenance issues to make the flight unavailable to passengers. As you know I am a flight attendant and a ferry flight is a flight without passengers to reposition the aircraft to another destination. The only people allowed on the plane are crew members and other people who may be on the release papers for that aircraft. Well, I got what I wanted but not exactly how I wanted it.
I focused more on not working than ending my day early. I started my day really early in the morning, I don't remember what city but it was in Montana. As soon as we got to the plane we had a maintenance issue that delayed us about a couple of hours. However, it seemed like this delay would take up enough of our time to get us out of working our other flights. It turns out the company I worked for had other plans and kept us working the next flight despite our extreme lateness. We had to work two very short flights to Green Bay, WI and back. We had a pretty lite load going to Green Bay which meant I didn't have to do so much work. Hmmm....
After getting the aircraft door ready for arrival to the gate in Green Bay, I prepared to secure the flight deck door once it was open. As the flight deck door flung on, it fell off and as you can imagine, that is one of the worse maintenance and security issues you could have on a plane. I thought for sure we would be cancelled and ferry the plane back to Minneapolis. Oh no! The company decided to delay us four hours while we waited for another plane to bring in parts to fix the door. Are you kidding me?!?!!? The customer service agents in Green Bay had already rebooked the passengers on our flight to the point where there would be no one on the plane at all except the crew. Even though we were without passengers, we were not considered a ferry flight as that apparently means we have to pay big mama Delta money for canceling a flight. Super lame!
So, to sum it up for you I wanted to have a maintenance issue to ferry a plan in order to not work. I forgot to mention to the universe that I wanted this to happen in order to leave work early. Since I wasn't specific enough about what I wanted I didn't get exactly what I wanted. That is how the game works boys and girls.
Feelings Over Thoughts!
Another factor that came into play was that my transmission was blocked by other feelings. See the feeling and the appreciation for what you want is how you create things in your universe. The feeling of not working was way stronger than the feeling of getting done with work early. I totally messed that up. The main problem was that I thought about leaving work early but never felt what it was like to do so.
Tell Me How You Really Feel...
That is how you block your transmission: by sending other feelings to the Universe that are stronger than what you want. This is done consciously or unconsciously and I wish there were better words to describe that is a feeling sort of way. Either way, you have to be in tuned with yourself to send the right feelings. You also have to deal with some past shit in order to clear up the frequency and that takes a lot of work, especially when you have a past full of issues you have yet to address. I recently understood how this has been happening in my life with my BREAKTHROUGH.
I didn't realize how strong certain feelings were inside of me let alone how my ego kept those feelings on the frequency for so many years. I will blog about two themes I think everyone's ego has: fear and being enough/lack. My ego had constantly been sending feelings of things not being enough of something. Not being good enough, fit enough, right enough, wrong enough, not enough money, not enough time, not enough food, not enough love, etc. etc. Think about it. How many times a day do you have feelings like that? Well mine came in pretty strongly and enough to block my transmission to the Universe about what I really wanted.
By not dealing with my past issues I was ruining the transmission between my heart and the Universe. After my breakthrough I felt so much liter and so much more aware. The key is to acknowledge your feelings as valid because all feelings are. However, once you acknowledge, you don't create room for them to manifest into something. You use them as fuel. You make a choice to cater to them in a way that is healthy and positive. My intuition has increased and I more easily able to identify when and why I feel certain things. When you truly figure out the root cause of a feeling, you have reached a another level of spiritual living. Now taking action to find a place for the feeling is the key. This may mean to release it or to find a way to make this feeling something positive for your life.
Not too long ago my husband was wondering why he wasn't getting some of the things he has been trying to create and that is when this idea of blocking your transmission to the Universe really came about. He has buried so many dark and strong feelings inside of him that the Universe is only picking on his strong negative feelings.
The Universe Knows What It's Doing...After All, It's Your Doing!!!
There is one more factor to this transmission thing worth mentioning. The Universe only gives you what you need. For all that you think you are lacking, you have everything you absolutely need in order to fulfill your Soul's Journey. I know some of you are thinking, wtf??? Well, we are not always happy with the truth but we do have to live with it. The words, "I don't need this shit" comes to my mind when I think about having to go through trials and tribulations. However, we have to accept that those trials and tribulations are push-ups for our soul; they make our souls so much stronger.
First of all, we are strong souls to begin with by being on Earth. I have mentioned this in another blog how the most special and strongest souls decide to have the roughest circumstances here on Earth. Everything we do is to make our soul stronger. Everything we experience is supposed to teach us a lesson. We create our universe and we are constantly challenging our souls to do Soul Work! Remember, it is our egos that have us thinking we don't have enough. Let's not beat our ego up though, it too has a purpose and is apart of our being. I have always been a firm believer that God will never give us more than we can handle.
I loved to watch my brother play video games and I always thought every game was winnable. I was always saying to my brother, the game is going to give you what you need, it is not designed to screw you over. I wasn't saying that it was set up so that you would win (I remember how difficult the Final Fantasy XII boss was...). I just knew that everything you needed would be right there in game. Sure you would lose some battles, make mistakes, go through some resets, and try a different pipe, but it was all apart of the learning process. There is a reason why you kept making weird or bad decisions. You did that so you could learn. That is all life is. You make a mistake then you learn from it. If you didn't learn the lesson that you were supposed to learn, then you make the mistake again and again and again until you get it. Once you have learned the lesson you were supposed to learn, you have to put that lesson into action. Guess what happens when you don't take action? You have to play the game again. That pretty much sums up how life works right there!
So If you looked at this blog and thought, why is she so wordy and skipped all the way to the end, here is a summary of...
How To Free Up Your Transmission!
- Check in with your feelings to make sure you don't have stronger hidden feelings to screw up your transmission. This is generally some underlying issue you might not have known was there or refuse to deal with.
- Once you are ready to transmit, Remember to be specific about the feelings you send to the Universe!
- Make sure you are not only thinking about what you want to create; it has to be a feeling!
- Be Patient; the Universe works on a different time frame.
- Be grateful for receiving what you asked, like you have it already! This is true vision and creation! Smile and be happy about it!
- Last but not least, accept that the Universe knows what you need and since you are the creator of your universe, this is all your doing!
Hope you found this helpful!
Peace!
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