I can't lie. I am bad at lying. That is what I say to myself and others. Yet I lie to myself and others.
Why do I make myself responsible for other people's shit? Why don't I just say no?
In this quest to find myself, I have neglected to acknowledge and hold on to things that are apart of me.
I have done things that I would never have done.
God help me.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
I have to say what I'm feeling
I'm holding it all in for the sake of who and what? The world is not going to come crashing down at my honesty. I feel fear stronger than I have felt it in a very long time. I had no idea I had so many walls up. Here I am making myself vulnerable to some things and not others. I am pushing myself to move way too quickly. I want to solve problems now.
I have to take things slowly sometimes and I find it difficult to do. I am so hard on myself to be perfect. I have to be right. I have to fix problems as soon as they come about. Pressure on myself to do right by others. Questioning my morality.
I am slightly depressed. I show all the symptoms. I have been realizing so much about myself lately that I feel overwhelmed. Where is the part of the teachings that tell you what it's really like to be vulnerable? That doing this will bring out all your demons. God never gives you more than you can handle. I've been in tougher spots but this feels so terrible.
Why do I compare my now with my past? I want to be healed.
I have to take things slowly sometimes and I find it difficult to do. I am so hard on myself to be perfect. I have to be right. I have to fix problems as soon as they come about. Pressure on myself to do right by others. Questioning my morality.
I am slightly depressed. I show all the symptoms. I have been realizing so much about myself lately that I feel overwhelmed. Where is the part of the teachings that tell you what it's really like to be vulnerable? That doing this will bring out all your demons. God never gives you more than you can handle. I've been in tougher spots but this feels so terrible.
Why do I compare my now with my past? I want to be healed.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Why lying to yourself is so easy...
Well, here we go again...
Just got done reading over some of my blogs...and reading them to CIC and boy or boy am I in denial. I heard someone say how easily it is to lie to yourself. I thought I wasn't the type to do so but I am. How interesting. What is the point in lying to oneself? I do no fear the truth. I suppose sometimes living in it forces you to live. More to come. Too distracted
Just got done reading over some of my blogs...and reading them to CIC and boy or boy am I in denial. I heard someone say how easily it is to lie to yourself. I thought I wasn't the type to do so but I am. How interesting. What is the point in lying to oneself? I do no fear the truth. I suppose sometimes living in it forces you to live. More to come. Too distracted
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
No ordinary people
I've listened this song John Legend so many times but it's never hit me this strongly.
Leaving Tokyo
I feel sad leaving such a beautiful place. Is it like a fling where everything seems perfect until you try to make more out of it than there actually is? I'm not sure right now. I definitely felt more romanced by Korea than Japan. However Japan seems like a more realistic option.
There is something that seems right about this place. Perhaps the biggest plus for me is that it's not tainted by a religion. Aside from the weird sexual shamefulness, I think I could dig it. Either way, traveling to Asia has made me realize that if I had to be grounded, I would definitely live outside of the US.
It's very windy here now. As I was leaving Kumi's mom, she said something about having a typhoon his afternoon. The winds are so strong right now that they're shaking the bus I am on. Kinda scary to think about hitting the express way with this kind of wind.
Wow. As this bus pulls off I have the feeling I would have when I would leave the Dominican: that I'm leaving my heart behind. That's so strange. I thought I was attached but not this much. Maybe my life should be here.
There is something that seems right about this place. Perhaps the biggest plus for me is that it's not tainted by a religion. Aside from the weird sexual shamefulness, I think I could dig it. Either way, traveling to Asia has made me realize that if I had to be grounded, I would definitely live outside of the US.
It's very windy here now. As I was leaving Kumi's mom, she said something about having a typhoon his afternoon. The winds are so strong right now that they're shaking the bus I am on. Kinda scary to think about hitting the express way with this kind of wind.
Wow. As this bus pulls off I have the feeling I would have when I would leave the Dominican: that I'm leaving my heart behind. That's so strange. I thought I was attached but not this much. Maybe my life should be here.
This just in...
There are so many angles to a soul lesson. The happening of it may not be what it's about. You may understand the lesson from a past or future happening. Be sure you allow yourself to be open to the universe in order to receive the message.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Third times the charm
It's been almost 20 years since I've eaten a strawberry. It wasn't as bad as I remember (then again it was a Japanese strawberry and Kumi insisted that American strawberries suck). I like the idea if trying things that I once thought I wouldn't try again. It means I have to rethink what I thought I knew about myself. It means I have to be open to trying new things. It means I might have to revisit some things from my past.
As I continue to make myself vulnerable to the universe, I gain more and more. It's not like I thought strawberries would kill me, I just thought it would overwhelm my taste buds as most other berries do. Then again, an overwhelming of my taste buds is not a terrible thing. So why such reservation in the first place? Some things from my past must be put to rest.
I'm not joining team strawberry anything of that nature. The taste was still weird for me. My mind wasn't blown by the freshness or the experience. I'm just happy I tried it. I'm joining team get over the past to thrive in the present! Try anything once, twice to be sure, and three times for confirmation.
As I continue to make myself vulnerable to the universe, I gain more and more. It's not like I thought strawberries would kill me, I just thought it would overwhelm my taste buds as most other berries do. Then again, an overwhelming of my taste buds is not a terrible thing. So why such reservation in the first place? Some things from my past must be put to rest.
I'm not joining team strawberry anything of that nature. The taste was still weird for me. My mind wasn't blown by the freshness or the experience. I'm just happy I tried it. I'm joining team get over the past to thrive in the present! Try anything once, twice to be sure, and three times for confirmation.
Ready to learn and love
I have reached a place where I feel like I can finally work on this love issue with my husband. Having the space between us lately has been great for me. I hope it has been great for him. I am not sure what will happen between us but I know I am done worrying about things that have not and may not come to pass.
Living is my present is so important to me. As I continue to do this more light is shed on the root of my troubles with my husband and the relationship. I know feel more emotion toward my actions and the way they have affected Luis. I have done many things to hurt him and he has done many to hurt me. While our feelings are valid, they do not shape the way we should treat one another.
We have a lot to clean up in order to ensure that we fulfill the spiritual contracts we made with one another. Neither one of us has the right to walk out on the other person while there are still many things to learn. I know we haven't finished learning from one another. The thing about all the pain is what we have to get passed. We have to stay focused on our goals. We have to continue to have our hearts open to one another. This does not mean we we carry out a romantic relationship. What we have is much more important than that. Boarding for Tokyo now. I will get back to you on this.
Living is my present is so important to me. As I continue to do this more light is shed on the root of my troubles with my husband and the relationship. I know feel more emotion toward my actions and the way they have affected Luis. I have done many things to hurt him and he has done many to hurt me. While our feelings are valid, they do not shape the way we should treat one another.
We have a lot to clean up in order to ensure that we fulfill the spiritual contracts we made with one another. Neither one of us has the right to walk out on the other person while there are still many things to learn. I know we haven't finished learning from one another. The thing about all the pain is what we have to get passed. We have to stay focused on our goals. We have to continue to have our hearts open to one another. This does not mean we we carry out a romantic relationship. What we have is much more important than that. Boarding for Tokyo now. I will get back to you on this.
Soul Lessons
My time in Okinawa has come to an end. I have learned soooo much about myself since I've been here. I thought originally that big Chica had a soul lesson for me and that I has one for her son. As it turns out, we all had things to share with each other. After learning that there are about 12 soul lessons a day I have been open to seeing them play out. Now that I have raised my awareness in this area of my life I am able also to see how intricately designed they. Just had that sentient being feeling.
I just finished today a book I started reading back in 2010. Before you assume that I'm a slow reader of that by book I mean collection of encyclopedias, let me describe this book a bit. I know I have introduced it to you before in another blog. This book is entitled Soul Lessons and Soul Purposes written by Sonia Choquette. This book advises you to contemplate each lesson over a few days. Typically when reading a book, if it's a good book you can be done with it very quickly. However, the chapters in this book are each soul lessons. It's heavy shit and I know that some of the ideas and concepts I wasn't ready for and others have taken anywhere from days to months to process, recognize, and put into action.
This book has transformed my being. After finishing it, I see just how far I have come since the day this book choose me and I chose it. It truly is like a bible for me. I will allow it to guide my life like no other book written on this earth. I will continue to read it for the rest of my days in this body. I pray that I will fulfill each lesson so that my soul can continue to work in the universe. I definitely works appreciate a break from Earth School for a while. For those of you who are searching for something spiritual I recommend this book to you. I am actually going to start reading it again right now and I am so excited and grateful!
I just finished today a book I started reading back in 2010. Before you assume that I'm a slow reader of that by book I mean collection of encyclopedias, let me describe this book a bit. I know I have introduced it to you before in another blog. This book is entitled Soul Lessons and Soul Purposes written by Sonia Choquette. This book advises you to contemplate each lesson over a few days. Typically when reading a book, if it's a good book you can be done with it very quickly. However, the chapters in this book are each soul lessons. It's heavy shit and I know that some of the ideas and concepts I wasn't ready for and others have taken anywhere from days to months to process, recognize, and put into action.
This book has transformed my being. After finishing it, I see just how far I have come since the day this book choose me and I chose it. It truly is like a bible for me. I will allow it to guide my life like no other book written on this earth. I will continue to read it for the rest of my days in this body. I pray that I will fulfill each lesson so that my soul can continue to work in the universe. I definitely works appreciate a break from Earth School for a while. For those of you who are searching for something spiritual I recommend this book to you. I am actually going to start reading it again right now and I am so excited and grateful!
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