Sometimes we focus too much on the things we don't want to happen. The energy put into that creates a manifestation. I have manifested some things in my life that I know I don't want. My state of being right now is pretty depressing. I am realizing how much I truly stress about things present, past, and future.
I have decided that my belly fat is symbolic of the baggage I carry from my past. The reason why I can work my ass out and still have a belly makes no sense to me. I am done with settling for this. This is not who I am. Yet I am hurting from something. What it is, I can't exactly point out. I'm tired.
I am troubled by my behavior. I am troubled by not having the things I want. I am blocking my way with some and others seem like they have to be earned. I guess I'm not sure about what I want so I'm just getting anything. I am upset with myself. I am having a hard time letting go of all the guilt and fear I have held on to for years. Facing it alone seems challenging and I know I'm supposed to let certain people in. I'm afraid to connect. I'm afraid to admit. I'm afraid to try because my past experiences tell me otherwise.
My stomach is completely swollen, fat, and hurting right now. I think this stress must be ended. I'm running off of little sleep. Perhaps I have bitten off more than I can chew. I want to say what I want to say and not give a shit who's listening/reading. How can I be me when I'm worried so much about hurting others?
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Saturday, May 12, 2012
How do you fall in love with yourself?
I'm not entirely sure of the recipe for this but at least at this point I can say that you know where to start if you've ever been in love with someone else. I know how I acted toward the people I had fallen in love with. I know how much time, effort, energy, care, and money I put into it. Why did it never dawn on me to do those things for myself?
When most of us fall in love for the first time we do stupid things. We act in strange ways. All we do is think about that person. We think, eat, and breathe that person. I can't say I have ever wanted myself as badly as I wanted someone else but now that I am thinking about it, my desire to be alone could have just been me wanting to give myself a certain kind of love that I knew I couldn't get from anyone else. Maybe that's why there were so many moments when I thought something wasn't enough. It was not right of me to expect someone to love me the way I'm supposed to love myself
I am learning so much right now. It's getting to be a bit overwhelming. Currently I am struggling to choose me completely right now. I have cut off CIC and it feels a bit dreadful. Sorry, not a bit dreadful. Completely. I am sad. I miss my friend. My friends make it easier to get through this ridiculousness. I just have to stay focused on running, living, and loving.
When most of us fall in love for the first time we do stupid things. We act in strange ways. All we do is think about that person. We think, eat, and breathe that person. I can't say I have ever wanted myself as badly as I wanted someone else but now that I am thinking about it, my desire to be alone could have just been me wanting to give myself a certain kind of love that I knew I couldn't get from anyone else. Maybe that's why there were so many moments when I thought something wasn't enough. It was not right of me to expect someone to love me the way I'm supposed to love myself
I am learning so much right now. It's getting to be a bit overwhelming. Currently I am struggling to choose me completely right now. I have cut off CIC and it feels a bit dreadful. Sorry, not a bit dreadful. Completely. I am sad. I miss my friend. My friends make it easier to get through this ridiculousness. I just have to stay focused on running, living, and loving.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Barefoot running = Trusting God
So I ran barefoot for the first time outside today and it was quite interesting. After reading Born To Run by Chris McDougall, I was convinced that god made our bodies with the intent to run and he gave us everything we would need to do it.
I decided I would go minimalist after reading the book and that my Nike Frees would be the only shoe I would ever wear for running aside from some winter shoes. I changed my running form and the way my foot landed. I also made plans to buy some Vibram's Five Finger shoes. It would be many months between reading the book and buying the shoes, which I recently acquired. I ran barefoot on the treadmill a couple times and it felt great. I wasn't ready to run on the ground though.
I sometimes walked home from high school without shoes. There was something about it that felt so freeing. This was pretty nasty to do in the city streets of Chicago but that rebelliousness was apart of what I liked about it. I tried to have that mentality today but instead, I was cautious with every step.
Was is that I was afraid to hurt myself? I didn't trust that my feet would react the way a hand reacts to touching something too hot. Or was it that I didn't trust the ground? The ground is man made so that would make sense but my feet are divine creations and the human body is capable of many things that man might never understand.
I didn't realize until the end of my run that I had issues trusting myself, trusting my instincts. I was second guessing every step. It was only when I didn't think too much about it or when I let my body relax into the walk/run did my feet do what they were designed to do: run! When stepping on sharp or hard objects, the feet naturally adjust. They redistribute weight. They tread lightly as if the kiss the ground.
Don't get me wrong. My feet feel a little funky right now but my calves don't hurt as badly as they did from the vibrams. Most of that also has to do with being more form conscious and not doing too much too soon which is what the toe shoes make you think you can do. My Achilles tendon isn't yelling at me either.
I want to become a better barefoot runner. I want strong feet. I want a natural way of living. I won't give up my Vibrams. I have to disagree with Barefoot Ken Bob on his disdain for them. I think they're great for people who live in the inner cities or cold weather places were running barefoot isn't ideal. I have a feeling though that since he lives in sunny Cal he has no idea of the apprehension and the lack of "pebble" paths city dwellers face. In the city, you never know what's on the ground!
However, I do live in Minnesota now and it's summer time so I do hope to be able to access more nature friendly environments for running. This is yet another thing I will do to keep me spiritually connected to who I am.
I decided I would go minimalist after reading the book and that my Nike Frees would be the only shoe I would ever wear for running aside from some winter shoes. I changed my running form and the way my foot landed. I also made plans to buy some Vibram's Five Finger shoes. It would be many months between reading the book and buying the shoes, which I recently acquired. I ran barefoot on the treadmill a couple times and it felt great. I wasn't ready to run on the ground though.
I sometimes walked home from high school without shoes. There was something about it that felt so freeing. This was pretty nasty to do in the city streets of Chicago but that rebelliousness was apart of what I liked about it. I tried to have that mentality today but instead, I was cautious with every step.
Was is that I was afraid to hurt myself? I didn't trust that my feet would react the way a hand reacts to touching something too hot. Or was it that I didn't trust the ground? The ground is man made so that would make sense but my feet are divine creations and the human body is capable of many things that man might never understand.
I didn't realize until the end of my run that I had issues trusting myself, trusting my instincts. I was second guessing every step. It was only when I didn't think too much about it or when I let my body relax into the walk/run did my feet do what they were designed to do: run! When stepping on sharp or hard objects, the feet naturally adjust. They redistribute weight. They tread lightly as if the kiss the ground.
Don't get me wrong. My feet feel a little funky right now but my calves don't hurt as badly as they did from the vibrams. Most of that also has to do with being more form conscious and not doing too much too soon which is what the toe shoes make you think you can do. My Achilles tendon isn't yelling at me either.
I want to become a better barefoot runner. I want strong feet. I want a natural way of living. I won't give up my Vibrams. I have to disagree with Barefoot Ken Bob on his disdain for them. I think they're great for people who live in the inner cities or cold weather places were running barefoot isn't ideal. I have a feeling though that since he lives in sunny Cal he has no idea of the apprehension and the lack of "pebble" paths city dwellers face. In the city, you never know what's on the ground!
However, I do live in Minnesota now and it's summer time so I do hope to be able to access more nature friendly environments for running. This is yet another thing I will do to keep me spiritually connected to who I am.
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