I'm not entirely sure of the recipe for this but at least at this point I can say that you know where to start if you've ever been in love with someone else. I know how I acted toward the people I had fallen in love with. I know how much time, effort, energy, care, and money I put into it. Why did it never dawn on me to do those things for myself?
When most of us fall in love for the first time we do stupid things. We act in strange ways. All we do is think about that person. We think, eat, and breathe that person. I can't say I have ever wanted myself as badly as I wanted someone else but now that I am thinking about it, my desire to be alone could have just been me wanting to give myself a certain kind of love that I knew I couldn't get from anyone else. Maybe that's why there were so many moments when I thought something wasn't enough. It was not right of me to expect someone to love me the way I'm supposed to love myself
I am learning so much right now. It's getting to be a bit overwhelming. Currently I am struggling to choose me completely right now. I have cut off CIC and it feels a bit dreadful. Sorry, not a bit dreadful. Completely. I am sad. I miss my friend. My friends make it easier to get through this ridiculousness. I just have to stay focused on running, living, and loving.
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