I've had an emotional weekend. I suppose I am at times uncomfortable with my emotions. My family is in dire straights lately and I don't know what to do. I want to help. I don't want to be rejected or used. I do love my family. I don't like their lifestyle.
My stepdad had to get emergency surgery last week. He already has to take dialysis because of scarred kidneys. He somehow contacted a bacterial infection that has him bed ridden. Whatever is causing the bacteria incited the need for back surgery. He is in a lot of pain right now. I've never seen him like this and it was heart breaking. He is a strong and blessed man.
Of course my question is why and I can only come back to ye lifestyle. I helped my sister move some time in December I believe. Her house was out of control and soaked in dust, dirt, and urine from kids and dogs. I put my hands on this and it caused my body to break out very badly. I had a severe allergic reaction to this environment. That same night I went to my mom's house to sleep, but I couldn't sleep.
My mother's house is also a breeding ground for dirt but worse, she has bed bugs in her furniture. They crawled on me and bit me throughout the night. I couldn't sleep. In fact, I was so itchy and drakes out I left my mom's house very early for the airport. I ended up going to CICs house to be taken care of. That environment is no place for children and I worry about my nieces being there.
I haven't told my mom about what happened. My sister has tried to tell her but my mother was unresponsive. The last time I tried to help my family, it didn't go so well. Perhaps my methods are the issue. I feel bad. If something ever happened and I didn't speak up, I would feel worse. My mother. She just either doesn't get it or gets it and is too afraid of her emotions to see what's going on and do something about it.
I came to Chicago to visit my stepdad in the hospital. I only wanted to be here one night. I stayed at Courtney's because I will never sleep at my mother's apartment again. Sunday night my flights cancelled to MSP so I had to stay another night here. I really didn't want to. Especially since my housing options were limited. Staying at Courtney's wasn't bad except for the big tv and pot smoking. Sadly my best option.
Staying at Tiffany's was the only option I had because it was closest to the airport and bug free at the moment. Still kids dirty but not as bad as before. Oh, and my sister has the flu going around and wasn't trying to catch that. I'd take the flu over the bugs though. It's to the point where I don't even want to sit on my mother's couch. Nor did I want to sit my belongs there.
Last time I ended up taking a few bugs with me. I hope I haven't done that this time. I slept with a mask on at my sister's. Didn't breathe that well over there. Somehow I managed to get itchy hands and a few bug bites on me. I did sleep on the blow up bed from my grandmother.
I do want to go there and enjoy my family but they make it hard. My niece had scratches on her back and she casually said it's the bug bites. Something has for to change. They need to know those babies can be taken away if it's known that they are in this environment. Why doesn't anyone see the big picture??
I was not happy yesterday and lost about what to do and why I was still there. I got my soul lessons. My grandmother told me the importance of helping family and also asking for help from family. I have to try again. My race had too me that I can do anything. This is not impossible. I just can't do it alone which is what I tried to do last time. My siblings must support me. We have to do this together.
I was so upset about having to stay another night. This morning a I was leaving my sister's house I saw my brother Cory. He was getting out of a car. He looked sooooo incredibly thin. I haven't seen him that thin since grade school. I called to him, "Co Co!" He didn't recognize it was me at first. When he did he said come here. At first I thought, can't miss my bus but I'm glad I went over.
He gave me a hug. I don't remember the last time I got a hug from my brother. That moment may the entire weekend worth it. And I swear to you he healed me. He sensed my pain and assured me it would be ok like he always does. He will help me. My mother told me one day Cory and I would help her. I think that day has arrived.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Saturday, January 12, 2013
26 Miles
I wrote this on January11, 2013.
Today is the day. Well, not the day day but the beginning of a day or days. I am on a plane now. I am on my way to the WDW marathon weekend. CIC has joined me for this adventure. I have signed up to run a half marathon, 13.1 miles, and a marathon, 26.2 miles in two days. I want the medals. I want the bling. I want the glory. I thrive for the challenge and push of my body. it excites.
Back in September 2012 I did the Disneyland half marathon to earn my coast to coast medal. I earned a lot more than that in that race. The Fish's dad has colon cancer, as you know, so I decided to dedicate my race to him.
He's an amazing man. A mammoth of a man. He's dedicated his entire life to serving god. He's an inspiration. I channeled him that day. He's a fighter. His sprit is tough and he got me trough those miles. The interesting thing is that we've never exchanged many words. I haven't spent that much earth time with him. I know his soul though. His unconditional love. What he gave me that day, I don't know how to thank him for.
I experienced for the first time what it was like to run for someone else and it was amazing. I PR'd that day, running the fastest race I've ever run at 2:14 (2:24 according to the Disney clock). It truly was an amazing experience. Every time I wanted to slow down or give up I thought about how he hasn't given up on this cancer.
I decided a short time after that race I would find 26 people to contemplate on during my marathon to get me through. As my priorities have been out of order, I have not trained for this run physically in the way that I should. However, with my life changes lately and my focus on mind, body, and soul through yoga, I have trained mentally for a run in a way I have never imagined.
My body has some issues right now such as a core in training, a lower back in recovery, overworked hip flexors, and some kind of crazy stress in my neck and traps causing huge knots. Having a mental and spiritual grounding is what will carry me through with those conditions.
So, the 26. I suppose it's time to make a decision on this. 26 people for 26 miles. I think that I haven't been as strong in my relationships with my friend's and family as I should've been in the past. Nevertheless I know I have their unconditional love and they have mine.
Mile 1, Grandma. The matriarch
Mile 2, Najee. The future
Mile 3, Alora. The beginning of a new Williams woman.
Mile 4, Dionne. If I were half as smart and beautiful as she is when I was her age, I'd be unstoppable.
Mile 5, Kitana. An old soul here to bring light to many lives. She knows too much.
Mile 6, Julia. Another old soul. Perhaps a reincarnate. The only one of my nieces I had the opportunity to see in infancy.
Mile 7, Jonathan. What a mission this kid has taken on. His strength will be needed here.
Mile 8, Raja. My protégée I want so much for him.
Mile 9, Tiffany. She'll always be my best friend in a sense. She's so intelligent. She'll know what I need at this mile.
Mile 10, Courtney. The angel in my life, in my family. Push me baby girl!
Mile 11, Shaheed. At this point in any race I'll need the laughter and nurture only he could provide. Mile 11 kinda sucks but shaheed is shawesome!!
Mile 12, Cory. The confidence to know that I can do it. That everything will work out.
Mile 13, my Mother. For many reasons why that I can't type. I'll save the reasons for the race. I am grateful she took me on.
Mile 14, Pep. My father. I'm blessed to have two. No one will ever understand me like he does.
Mile 15, Dennis. My father. My kindred spirit. What an interesting turn of events in our lives.
Mile 16, Laura. Without her support in my life, I wouldn't be running.
Mile 17, Kara. Pronounced like Car. My best friend. A soul mate. My teacher.
Mile 18, Devin. My sister. Holy yoga!! This is the furthest I've ever run before. I need someone in my head who knows what I say and think before I say it.
Mile 19, Cole. My soul mate. For some reason cole will be running next to me in a yellow t-shirt and very short and tight powder blue shorts with a drink in his hand screaming, "oh lord Jesus its a marathon."
Mile 20, my Chica!!!!!!!! Nough said. =D
Mile 21, Carl. My running coach. My twin.
Mile 22, Sandra Tatum. My second mother. My angel. Thank you!
Mile 23, Michele. No matter how long it's been you have still called me a friend. The original Chica. Thank you.
Mile 24, Grandaddy. The patriarch now and forever.
Mile 25, Aunty. No words can say why.
Mile 26.2, Me. Why? Because I know I can hold myself up after all the love I've been given.
I'm ready. I'm grounded. I'm grateful. I'm loved. I am a runner. I am a marathoner. Let's get it!
Today is the day. Well, not the day day but the beginning of a day or days. I am on a plane now. I am on my way to the WDW marathon weekend. CIC has joined me for this adventure. I have signed up to run a half marathon, 13.1 miles, and a marathon, 26.2 miles in two days. I want the medals. I want the bling. I want the glory. I thrive for the challenge and push of my body. it excites.
Back in September 2012 I did the Disneyland half marathon to earn my coast to coast medal. I earned a lot more than that in that race. The Fish's dad has colon cancer, as you know, so I decided to dedicate my race to him.
He's an amazing man. A mammoth of a man. He's dedicated his entire life to serving god. He's an inspiration. I channeled him that day. He's a fighter. His sprit is tough and he got me trough those miles. The interesting thing is that we've never exchanged many words. I haven't spent that much earth time with him. I know his soul though. His unconditional love. What he gave me that day, I don't know how to thank him for.
I experienced for the first time what it was like to run for someone else and it was amazing. I PR'd that day, running the fastest race I've ever run at 2:14 (2:24 according to the Disney clock). It truly was an amazing experience. Every time I wanted to slow down or give up I thought about how he hasn't given up on this cancer.
I decided a short time after that race I would find 26 people to contemplate on during my marathon to get me through. As my priorities have been out of order, I have not trained for this run physically in the way that I should. However, with my life changes lately and my focus on mind, body, and soul through yoga, I have trained mentally for a run in a way I have never imagined.
My body has some issues right now such as a core in training, a lower back in recovery, overworked hip flexors, and some kind of crazy stress in my neck and traps causing huge knots. Having a mental and spiritual grounding is what will carry me through with those conditions.
So, the 26. I suppose it's time to make a decision on this. 26 people for 26 miles. I think that I haven't been as strong in my relationships with my friend's and family as I should've been in the past. Nevertheless I know I have their unconditional love and they have mine.
Mile 1, Grandma. The matriarch
Mile 2, Najee. The future
Mile 3, Alora. The beginning of a new Williams woman.
Mile 4, Dionne. If I were half as smart and beautiful as she is when I was her age, I'd be unstoppable.
Mile 5, Kitana. An old soul here to bring light to many lives. She knows too much.
Mile 6, Julia. Another old soul. Perhaps a reincarnate. The only one of my nieces I had the opportunity to see in infancy.
Mile 7, Jonathan. What a mission this kid has taken on. His strength will be needed here.
Mile 8, Raja. My protégée I want so much for him.
Mile 9, Tiffany. She'll always be my best friend in a sense. She's so intelligent. She'll know what I need at this mile.
Mile 10, Courtney. The angel in my life, in my family. Push me baby girl!
Mile 11, Shaheed. At this point in any race I'll need the laughter and nurture only he could provide. Mile 11 kinda sucks but shaheed is shawesome!!
Mile 12, Cory. The confidence to know that I can do it. That everything will work out.
Mile 13, my Mother. For many reasons why that I can't type. I'll save the reasons for the race. I am grateful she took me on.
Mile 14, Pep. My father. I'm blessed to have two. No one will ever understand me like he does.
Mile 15, Dennis. My father. My kindred spirit. What an interesting turn of events in our lives.
Mile 16, Laura. Without her support in my life, I wouldn't be running.
Mile 17, Kara. Pronounced like Car. My best friend. A soul mate. My teacher.
Mile 18, Devin. My sister. Holy yoga!! This is the furthest I've ever run before. I need someone in my head who knows what I say and think before I say it.
Mile 19, Cole. My soul mate. For some reason cole will be running next to me in a yellow t-shirt and very short and tight powder blue shorts with a drink in his hand screaming, "oh lord Jesus its a marathon."
Mile 20, my Chica!!!!!!!! Nough said. =D
Mile 21, Carl. My running coach. My twin.
Mile 22, Sandra Tatum. My second mother. My angel. Thank you!
Mile 23, Michele. No matter how long it's been you have still called me a friend. The original Chica. Thank you.
Mile 24, Grandaddy. The patriarch now and forever.
Mile 25, Aunty. No words can say why.
Mile 26.2, Me. Why? Because I know I can hold myself up after all the love I've been given.
I'm ready. I'm grounded. I'm grateful. I'm loved. I am a runner. I am a marathoner. Let's get it!
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Actualizing My Soul's Goals Part V
Your purpose is not what you have to do, it's why you are here.
What does it mean for me to be authentic? At this point I should have my intention, my goals, my purpose statement, and a plan of execution written down.
What's my intention?
To feel free, happy, safe. protected, special, fun, loved, and adventurous.
What are my goals?
To live a healthy and fun life. To be fit and strong. To be financially secure. To love and be loved. To use my gifts to help others.
What is my purpose statement?
My purpose is to recognize the importance and need to feel free, happy, safe. protected, special, fun, loved, and adventurous and that is the feeling I want to give to others around me.
What are my grounded action steps?
I should be clear, specific, and measurable. If I reach this criteria it will be more helpful for others.
How have I been feeling since I have come across this knowledge? I feel so much clarity toward my goals and being. I love seeing my experiences as soul lessons that I needed go learn in order to maximize my purpose. I, too, have been holding myself back Raise my standards and I will rise along with them. .
My shoulds have to become my musts. That will help me to align with my integrity.
Program in review
Day 1: all about intentions/the way I want to feel.
Day 2: all about purpose. My purpose and intentions are linked and when I live in my purpose, that is when I will start to manifest my intentions. The place that I come from is what matters.
Day 3: all about getting advice from my future self about what I want to accomplish and the advice I will need to get there.
Day 4: all about stepping outside my comfort zone and using my fear as motivation. If I'm not afraid, then something is wrong.
Day 5: Where do I start?
I can look into a book by Brian Tracy concerning goal setting. Our goals can't be egoic. My major definite purpose is not necessarily as it relates to this course. It is the one thing, that if I accomplish this one thing, it's going to help everything else fall into place. What is that one thing for me? Am I taking action toward this one thing? This purpose can continue to grow and expand. It can also change as I reach that goal.
There are six qualities to my major definite purpose to help everything fall into place.
One: personally want it/something that I want for myself
Two: clear and specific
Three: measurable and quantifiable
Four: believable and achievable
Five: has to have a 50/50 probability of success (baby steps are ok)
Six: has to be in harmony with our other goals. It has to make sense. You can't have abs with French fries everyday.
When I look at my entire list, is there one thing I could do right now to help everything on my list?
Eat a salad everyday.
Eat either beans, fish, or grains high in protein everyday.
Do yoga and run everyday. Yoga 3-4 times a week. Running 2-3 times.
Meditate 5-30 minutes a day.
Write every Monday.
Put $70 into my savings every week.
Sleep by 2130
Study yoga on the weekend.
Crochet every two weeks.
My major definite purpose is to maintain vibrant health and be economically stable by executing the above actions. This will help me focus on the things that matter most and will create trickle effect for everything else.
For 30 days
Wake up everyday and write what I am choosing to do for the day in alignment with my list from above; write out each step and why I'm doing it. It's not a to do list, it's a to be list. It will start my day with an emotional drive. I also need to learn the power of saying no, especially if it will interfere with my intentions. What better reason is there to get up every morning. Reticular Activating Cortex: I am training my brain to look for these things. This is private. Tell only those who will support me. It's between me, God, and my tribe.
What do I think I would feel like in 30 days? I have to schedule this or it won't happen. I have to make and keep a schedule. This is not negotiable. Why I am doing this? What would I rather lose, my dream or sleep? I can get sleep later. My dreams must happen now. Wow. I've been afraid to get out of bed everyday because of what I have to do. This is crazy.
Who are my go to people? Carl. Cole. Devin. :D ♥♡
Who am I going to avoid in the next 30 days? No late nights at the Myers, no late night drinking, take my ass home, not stay at the scene of the crime i.e. Compass, not out of bed after 2130, Netflix is a luxury.
I have to make a schedule to honor my alignment list so that it's not negotiable. I think that the first time I did got afraid of my success. This about taking my power back. Remembering who I am, what my purpose is, and what I have to do to make it happen. What would I rather lose? My dreams or sleep? This is about making myself a priority.
Look at my major definite purpose and write it out. I also didn't seek to find support from the people in my tribe as well. I never scheduled this or had anyone accountable in my life. I had to sit down with Carl and talk to him about really supporting me on this. Maybe even get him to do it with me if he'd like.
This list is not a list of things I am going to be doing for 30 days, it is a process that will become my lifestyle that will jump start over the next 30 days. This is not a 30 day diet or quick fix. This is who I must become without exception. I have to be in my purpose every single day. I have to keep my standards high because I'm going to be surrounded by challenges.
What activities will I not engage in over the next 30 days? I think this would be fitting for my 90 day challenge. Don't return to the scene of the crime. There are some things I should no partake in and some places I should not go. "Here's my major definite purpose and I won't engage in those activities that keep me from who I am." At the end of 30 days I will have momentum and will open the door to create the lifestyle that I want. When we live a life of integrity we become happier.
Go over all of these sessions and put everything together:
Goals
Intentions
Purpose
Fears
How to use fear as feul
What to focus on to make it all come together
What does it mean for me to be authentic? At this point I should have my intention, my goals, my purpose statement, and a plan of execution written down.
What's my intention?
To feel free, happy, safe. protected, special, fun, loved, and adventurous.
What are my goals?
To live a healthy and fun life. To be fit and strong. To be financially secure. To love and be loved. To use my gifts to help others.
What is my purpose statement?
My purpose is to recognize the importance and need to feel free, happy, safe. protected, special, fun, loved, and adventurous and that is the feeling I want to give to others around me.
What are my grounded action steps?
I should be clear, specific, and measurable. If I reach this criteria it will be more helpful for others.
How have I been feeling since I have come across this knowledge? I feel so much clarity toward my goals and being. I love seeing my experiences as soul lessons that I needed go learn in order to maximize my purpose. I, too, have been holding myself back Raise my standards and I will rise along with them. .
My shoulds have to become my musts. That will help me to align with my integrity.
Program in review
Day 1: all about intentions/the way I want to feel.
Day 2: all about purpose. My purpose and intentions are linked and when I live in my purpose, that is when I will start to manifest my intentions. The place that I come from is what matters.
Day 3: all about getting advice from my future self about what I want to accomplish and the advice I will need to get there.
Day 4: all about stepping outside my comfort zone and using my fear as motivation. If I'm not afraid, then something is wrong.
Day 5: Where do I start?
I can look into a book by Brian Tracy concerning goal setting. Our goals can't be egoic. My major definite purpose is not necessarily as it relates to this course. It is the one thing, that if I accomplish this one thing, it's going to help everything else fall into place. What is that one thing for me? Am I taking action toward this one thing? This purpose can continue to grow and expand. It can also change as I reach that goal.
There are six qualities to my major definite purpose to help everything fall into place.
One: personally want it/something that I want for myself
Two: clear and specific
Three: measurable and quantifiable
Four: believable and achievable
Five: has to have a 50/50 probability of success (baby steps are ok)
Six: has to be in harmony with our other goals. It has to make sense. You can't have abs with French fries everyday.
When I look at my entire list, is there one thing I could do right now to help everything on my list?
Eat a salad everyday.
Eat either beans, fish, or grains high in protein everyday.
Do yoga and run everyday. Yoga 3-4 times a week. Running 2-3 times.
Meditate 5-30 minutes a day.
Write every Monday.
Put $70 into my savings every week.
Sleep by 2130
Study yoga on the weekend.
Crochet every two weeks.
My major definite purpose is to maintain vibrant health and be economically stable by executing the above actions. This will help me focus on the things that matter most and will create trickle effect for everything else.
For 30 days
Wake up everyday and write what I am choosing to do for the day in alignment with my list from above; write out each step and why I'm doing it. It's not a to do list, it's a to be list. It will start my day with an emotional drive. I also need to learn the power of saying no, especially if it will interfere with my intentions. What better reason is there to get up every morning. Reticular Activating Cortex: I am training my brain to look for these things. This is private. Tell only those who will support me. It's between me, God, and my tribe.
What do I think I would feel like in 30 days? I have to schedule this or it won't happen. I have to make and keep a schedule. This is not negotiable. Why I am doing this? What would I rather lose, my dream or sleep? I can get sleep later. My dreams must happen now. Wow. I've been afraid to get out of bed everyday because of what I have to do. This is crazy.
Who are my go to people? Carl. Cole. Devin. :D ♥♡
Who am I going to avoid in the next 30 days? No late nights at the Myers, no late night drinking, take my ass home, not stay at the scene of the crime i.e. Compass, not out of bed after 2130, Netflix is a luxury.
I have to make a schedule to honor my alignment list so that it's not negotiable. I think that the first time I did got afraid of my success. This about taking my power back. Remembering who I am, what my purpose is, and what I have to do to make it happen. What would I rather lose? My dreams or sleep? This is about making myself a priority.
Look at my major definite purpose and write it out. I also didn't seek to find support from the people in my tribe as well. I never scheduled this or had anyone accountable in my life. I had to sit down with Carl and talk to him about really supporting me on this. Maybe even get him to do it with me if he'd like.
This list is not a list of things I am going to be doing for 30 days, it is a process that will become my lifestyle that will jump start over the next 30 days. This is not a 30 day diet or quick fix. This is who I must become without exception. I have to be in my purpose every single day. I have to keep my standards high because I'm going to be surrounded by challenges.
What activities will I not engage in over the next 30 days? I think this would be fitting for my 90 day challenge. Don't return to the scene of the crime. There are some things I should no partake in and some places I should not go. "Here's my major definite purpose and I won't engage in those activities that keep me from who I am." At the end of 30 days I will have momentum and will open the door to create the lifestyle that I want. When we live a life of integrity we become happier.
Go over all of these sessions and put everything together:
Goals
Intentions
Purpose
Fears
How to use fear as feul
What to focus on to make it all come together
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