CIC & I: Sex Today

I am freaking out again, at least in this moment.  There are times when I know I want to spend the rest of forever with him but right now I want to run away.  We just had sex and I was feeling very stressed.  I was so worried about my back hurting and his penis hurting me that I failed to enjoy most of it.  This is not normal.  Sex has always been so intense between us.  Sex with Luis was gentle and his penis wasn’t as big. 

I have to say that I miss that about sex.  I sometimes feel like CIC is just too big to enjoy.  Like, literally.  When he is on top it’s nice.  When he is all the way in sometimes it feels good and sometimes it just feels like there’s a big penis inside of me.  This is problem.  When I am stressed before sex and start to have sex, I will take it all in my neck.  I know this about me so I make efforts to relax.  There are times when I can get a grip on it or CIC will do something to make me present and relaxed.  Sometimes he pounds the stress out of me.  Lately though, the pounding is too much.

It seems I am more into foreplay (mostly with my boobs and ass) these days and gentleness.  I use to want to get straight to the fucking.  We have such a strong energy between us and it just intensifies during sex.  Today I felt so overwhelmed by that energy that sex was hard to enjoy.  I even got on top which I thought was something I wanted more of but it didn’t help me.  In fact, it stressed me out more because it doesn’t feel good for me.  I can’t sit on his dick most of the time.  It’s just too big and it completely bypasses the physical points in my vagina that would feel good for me. 

I am not sure what he likes regarding me being on top and that’s the other factor.  I am so insecure when I am on top of him.  I feel like my vagina doesn’t feel good for him mostly because in most angles on top, his penis doesn’t feel good for me.    Of course when all this stuff happens I start to question the whole forever thing.  We are sexually compatible, right?  I know that as a couple we are supposed to work on these things together.  It just seems so bleak right now and I am afraid that if he can’t be pleased with me, he will seek pleasure in other places.

That causes a sense of panic and urgency to fix it and fix it fast  thus more stress.  Why am I a wired like this?  I want to be done with this stress.  I’m supposed to get my period tomorrow so I am highly emotional right now.  Then again, I might not get the damn period because my schedule is all fucked up. 

I need to relax.  Heh, I stress about relaxing.