Swimming

When I was little, I was afraid to swim.  I didn’t like the feeling of being surrounded by water and not feeling the ground.  My siblings seemed to be good at it.  They could float and everything.  For some reason, I didn’t like the feeling of water in my ear, the feeling of weightlessness. I couldn’t seem to breathe through my mouth. I would always take the water in either through my nose or my mouth. 

A distant cousin of mine held me under the water a couple of times because she thought I had a romantic interest in my cousin.  It was quite traumatizing.  My cousin on my dad’s side, Sean, would suffocate me with pillows whenever I wouldn’t comply with his sexual advances.  Those two events definitely left a mark on me but my fears of deep water existed before that.  Additionally, those two events are no longer attached to me in the ways they use to be.

For some reason when I was in a swimming class and I would try to swim, I wouldn’t get far and I wouldn’t stay afloat.  I also couldn’t tread water.  My favorite move in the swimming pool was the jellyfish. It was the most I could surrender at the time in water. 

Today, not much as changed.  I am not as afraid anymore but there is still something holding me back.  I am literally not sure how to swim.  I see others doing it and when I try it, it doesn’t seem to work out for me.  This is especially true when it comes to treading water. I literally don’t get it.  And I also know at this point that I am thinking about it way too much. 

I need to learn how to get out of my mind and into my body.  I need to learn to trust the water and how to flow with it.  I can’t assume that I will freak out and drown. It’s almost as if I have died by drowning in a past life because I see no reason why in this life I should hold this fear of being in deep water. 

Another challenge is floating.  Sometimes when I try to float, I just sink right to the bottom.  People tell me to relax and I have successfully floated before but I wasn’t relaxed.  To me it seems floating takes a constant amount of work to keep your body up.  My arms and legs float but my mid section usually sinks right down unless I engage my core.  When I seem extremely out of shape people floating I think that core has nothing to do with it but maybe it does.

I am really confused about this and I want to talk to someone about this issue.  I will put more effort into this the next time I get in water.