Runaway

There's a scene in the Knocked Up that I can identify with...well, let's be honest, maybe not just one.  It's the moment when Paul Rudd's character is in the hotel room in Vegas and asks Seth Rogan's character, "you ever wonder how somebody could even like you?"  He later confesses that the biggest problem in his marriage is that his wife wants him around all the time and it upsets him.  Seth Rogan's character then asks him, "you can't believe people love you?"  He then goes on to rip apart Paul's character and Paul just falls apart in the chair.

As I was watching this movie it suddenly wasn't funny anymore.  I know what that feeling feels like.  To not want to be loved.  To not want to be around people and to feel a sense of panic around it.  I have felt this before and I am feeling it now. I want to runaway from CIC again.  Why do I keep getting this feeling?  I feel so overwhelmed by his love.  I don't want it in this moment.  I want to be left alone.

I know this is because we are getting closer to moving in together.  For all my problems with my ex's I have to face to fact that I am the one who has always left.  CIC does have some fears that I will do that just as I have fears about him cheating on me.

Is this just another attempt to try to cut my loses?  To get out before shit gets even more serious and real?  Maybe his marriage has been a safety net for me? Maybe if he was actually fully available to me it would freak me out.  Maybe that's why I haven't said anything.

I know that going to Emirates would not not be great for our relationship yet I had the thought to do it today just to get it out; maybe have a Maks moment from Dancing with the Start and phone it in.

I give up.  I walk away.  At least I have in the past.  That moment when Paul switches to the other chair is how I feel inside.  I want to curl up.  I don't think I want to try to shove my hand down my throat but I want the feeling of trying.  I just don't want to be around CIC right now.  Why?  I guess I feel like I have to deal with him.  That he will want something from me.  In actuality I know the opposite is true.  He asks nothing of me.  Maybe I am thinking my love won't be good enough for him.  Maybe I won't be able to entertain him (especially after having entertained folk all day).

I just feel sad right now and I don't know why.  I feel like I have to call him because I should say good night.  I just want to rest. I am so tired lately.  My body doesn't seem to want to participate in some things.  I am frustrated

And now that I have started to cry I wish I could be held by CIC.  Hormones maybe.  I want fresh air to breathe.  Starting to feel that suffocating feeling.  Now what?

Sometimes it's hard to drop your old habits.  I have a habit of running away.  I can't runaway from myself.  He always makes me face myself.