The Sky Is Grey...I'll be safe at home

I am not California dreaming at this point.  California is like the bane of my being in this moment.  CIC is in Cali.  He left me for Cali.   He doesn't like Minnesota.  But I'm in Minnesota.  I didn't get the looks on people's faces when I would tell them he went Cali because he hates the snow.  In the back of their minds they were wondering why he would leave me here and how we would make this work.  For me, it's not working right now in this moment.

Maybe it never was working.  Maybe this is what he wants and this is his way of saying it.  That hurts.  This hurts.  When he found that apartment with Unicorn, they didn't think about me.  They say they did, "oh, look at this natural light, Tracie will love this!"  Well, I didn't ask for natural light, I asked for a washer an dryer.  This place was not for me, it was for Unicorn and then secondly, CIC.

He told me he'd be in MSP on all his off days.  That hasn't happened.  And now he has off days and it hasn't happened.  I do more. I do more.  I always do more and I am tired of doing more.  I can't believe I entertained the idea of canceling yoga classes to see him. Well, not anymore.  I am doing everything I have to do to better myself and I have to keep focused on that.

Talk about repeating patterns.  It's just like when I was in college and Dre was bum.  I did everything. Now I feel a need to do everything because it's what I am use to but I tried to let that go and actually give my partner the chance to step up.  He has stepped up in some ways tremendously but for some reason, I don't feel like I am going home.   I don't feel like LAX is my home.  What is there for me?  Unicorn is there but that is not a daily love and that works for me.

I don't want any expectations.  I want space and quiet and that is not what is waiting for me in LAX.  Love with effort is what's waiting there for me and right now I just don't feel like it.  I feel like my mother feels I supposed. Sometimes she just doesn't feel like it.

I feel exhausted lately.  My heart beats strangely.  I don't know what's going on with me.  I just want to lie down for a very long time.  I've never been this upset with him and it bothers me.  I am setting all this up myself.  I am allowing fear to energize what's happening now.

I don't have a space there.