Yep. My grandmother died a couple weeks ago. Somehow its still doesn't seem real. It hasn't registered. I will miss her. Her lessons. Her Love. Her rolling eyes. Her delicious food (we all know no one cooks like grandma). She died so suddenly. It wasn't expected, at least not for us. I have a feeling though that she knew and that she will reincarnate.
On her last night she was in my oldest brother's room and they were talking. She said she was going to the rest room and she never came out. My brother later knocked on the door and she didn't answer. He then went inside the bathroom and found her on the floor. My step dad and baby sis tried to revive her but there was no use. Unfortunately my little brothers were all there too and they saw her dead body. I feel so bad that they had to experience such a thing.
I hadn't seen my grandmother in months. All of my siblings had some really cool normal last experience with her except for me. I was kinda jealous about that. I have been trying to connect with her spirit and I can't feel her. I thought I smelled her but there has been nothing that has transpired where I know it's her. Maybe except for the letter I found that I had written to her 3 years ago. It was a letter thanking her for all she had done. It was a letter saying that one of the most wonderful things she had ever done was connect with God and realize his blessings in her life.
My grandmother had a full life. She lived long enough to see her great grand children. She also struggled with a few things, one of those being money. So much so to the point where we are on a search to find anything related to insurance. I want to end this trend of money in the family: total unconsciousness of it. I got a winding tattoo on my back to symbolize the circles she went in, the circles we all go in until we learn our lesson.
Since this blog is entitled Lessons from my grandmother, I will list a few of the most valuable ones I have learned.
Sit up straight
My grandmother drilled good manners and good posture into us. I remember walking around with books on my head and her telling me how to sit or how to hold my fork. I have a bit of a worm neck and she encouraged me to elongate my neck. We even went to a small etiquette course where our skills were both honed and validated. I thought all kids had that upbringing but I could tell they didn't by the way they acted in the street and with adults.
Speak Up!
My grandmother didn't like that quiet voice shit. She also didn't like slang language. We couldn't say words like butt or fart in our house. Yeah was also not very popular. We were to only speak with spoken to and we were taught never to interrupt adults while they were talking. You had to excuse yourself for many things such as burping or wanting to speak to an adult engaged in conversation. We also addressed all adults by miss or mister. She told us we had to annunciate when we spoke and to use our words. She told us we had two ears and one mouth for a reason and that was to listen twice as hard as we speak.
Trust in God
Grandma starting "making" the girls go to church and well, it changed my life forever. Initially my life transformed and I got everything that I ever wanted which at the time meant getting the best student award in 6th grade. Though I stopped going to church I do appreciate a good service every now and again. My grandmother always said to trust in god. He will work things out. I remember I was trying to get to work and I missed my flight. I was to be disciplined at work and I remember my grandmother calling me in the middle of the mess. I told her what was going on and she said, claim that is Jesus name I won't get written up at work. Well, I claimed it and I didn't get written up. True faith.
I'm too old for a boyfriend
This was one of her last lessons to me. I told her I had a boyfriend and that I wanted her to meet him. She told me I was too old for a boyfriend and of course I thought she was crazy at first and of course she was 100% right. I am too old for a boyfriend. That's when I started referring to CIC as my partner. He is my partner. The word boyfriend comes up now and again but I understand what she meant by that now. I wish she could have met him.
Family is Important
Until she died she did what she could for her family. Am I doing all that I can? I am not sure what my family wants me to do. I had a chance to see my grandmother in April and I didn't do it. I always thought she would just be there and she is not. That hurts. This is how I have set up my relationship with my family. I don't see them and they don't see me. I am learning so much about myself and judgment that it is becoming more possible to tolerate the environment but I still feel lost. I am having a hard time just being present there.
Don't be scared of it
Excuse my raining face. This one just brought up a lot of emotions. These words were stated on more than one occasion and for many different circumstances. My fondest memory of these words has to do with potato salad. Boy did I love her potato salad! So much so to the point where I wanted her to teach me to make it so that I would never forget it. She made it with her bare hands. She just mixed the ingredients together that way. I wasn't as comfortable with this mix method and she said, "don't be scared of it." She really wanted me to dig in there and feel the salad being mixed. How else would I know that it was mixed well? It wasn't the salad I was afraid of, it was me and my inability to perform this new thing that I had never done before.
And in this way my grandmother has come back to me. She kisses my mother. She protects my sister. And for me? Well, the lessons just keep coming up and they apply to everything that I am going through at this time in my life. Do I want a kiss? Of course! Do I want a light touch or a shadow? Yes! And I want to know that is her. Not get a sneaking feeling or a hope that it's her. I want blatancy. That's who I operate, right?
Sit Up Straight
Speak Up
Trust in God
Don't Be Scared of It.
These lessons and many more are her legacy for me. Now it must incubate. Or has been incubating and it's ready to hatch? How do I get off this couch?
Sit up straight...don't be scared of it.
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