Choosing Not To Be There

Today is my mother's 50th birthday and I am at an airport right now choosing to go see my boyfriend instead of my mother.

I suppose if you look at that one sentence many judgments/assumptions can be made.

Why am I going to see my boyfriend?

I miss him.  I don't get to see him often and I want to feel him.

Why am I not going to see my mother?

The truth is that I don't want to go to her house and that is where she is.  For the past couple of years, every time I go to that house I get bitten by bed bugs.  One time I got bitten so badly I had to call off work because my skin looked gross and I had a severe allergic reaction.  In fact, I have a mandatory meeting with supervisor to explain my dependability as a result of that sick call.  I think my mother is more important to me than my job.  Then again, I have done more for my job than I have done for my mother.

Wow, initially I was struggling to come up with a response for that question. I know why I should go see her.  It's her birthday.  That would mean so much to her.  She would remember that I was there and so what would everyone else.

I suppose I am wondering, why don't I feel an urge to be there?

It's a strange thing to feel this way about my family. I just don't miss them.  I don't miss my mother.  I guess I think she'll always be around, just like my grandmother was...but my grandmother is dead.

Where is the line?  Go to you mother's house to laugh with everyone while sitting on bed bug infested furniture and possibly get sick enough to miss work...but it's family!  That makes it ok, right?

Well, I don't think it's alright for me.  I don't want to go to my mother's house because I don't have a place to sleep that is safe for me.  I can't sleep there. I can barely be there for a few hours without getting eaten alive by those fucking bugs.  It pisses me off that they choose to live this way.  It doesn't bother them.  Or maybe it does and they don't see a way out.  I've been there before.

I am not judging them.  Many people get in situations that are bad for their health yet every situation is just a soul lesson, good or bad.  This is their soul lesson and for that reason I try to detach from it.  I know all they will see is that I am not there.  All I will see is that I don't get sick by being there.  It hurts.  I could cry right now but I'm at the airport.

I've asked a few of the "mothers" in my life for advice and well, they'd probably tell me to go there.  I did bring the bug spray.  I suppose I could just fly in for the night, pay for a hotel and get back the next day.  CIC will understand.  But those damn bugs make me sick...