I'm not sure

What do I really know?  I've had a hard time lately and I don't want to write as much as writing is clarifying for me.  I don't want to crochet as much as I use to enjoy it.  I don't want to move.  I want to lie still and do nothing.  I have taken away all hope in my life for my job at Compass.  This is the longest I have ever had a job and well, maybe that has something to do with wanting to leave.  I don't like to feel trapped.  My job use to provide me with such freedom but it wasn't my job that gave me freedom.  If anything lately I have revealed just how trapped I really am at work.

I wonder if I can type this sentence with my eyes closed. I did.  That was cool.  What else coudl I do with emy eys closed? Ah reality sets in.  Once there was focus and now there is this.  There is undertainlty and a lack fo fiath in my own skills.  I want to have so much focus that I can keep typing with my eyes closed. How did I learn to type like this?  I was in grade school and taking computer class was one of my favorite things because I loved to play the typing lessons.  I became really good at it.  I don't care why they were teaching me to do it.  We don't give our brains much credit.  I am not sure I could fill in a blank keyboard but maybe I could.  Standby.

So I just did a test to see if I could make put every letter to the keyboard in it's place and I couldn't just do it visually.  I had to incorporate my hands and spell words on an air keyboard in order to find their place.  I missed the placing of z, v, and y.  Otherwise I couldn't just picture the keyboard in my head and write it out.  I type on my keyboard so much I find this interesting that something I interact with daily doesn't come to me more easily than it did.  Such is life.  I live life everyday and some things I have figured out but some I have not.  I am not an expert typist.  I am not an expert human.  I am not sure if I want to be.

I want to find a reason to live for myself.  I have seen what I can do for others but nothing for myself.  I should accept what is.  I should accept the way this world works.  Typing that makes me want to cry.  I don't want any of this still.  Even with an amazing partner, friends, and family.  Even with this exciting job and the prospect of teaching yoga and writing and gardening.  I still don't want to be here.  I might need to take some type of drug.  But the spiritual world say all of the answers lie within.  In where?  In me?  Because I feel emptiness. I feel sinking.  Am I just a tsunami that is swelling?  I am not sure.

Written 3.11.15

So it's been an interesting two days. Yesterday I had a mandatory meeting with Inflight because another FA complained about my behavior during a flight. I'm not really sure what Compass will do about it. I'm in limbo with them right now. Additionally I am dealing with some type of stomach virus. I've pooped everything out and threw everything up to the point where I can't even hold down water. I haven't eaten anything today and I am currently working a flight from DFW to LAX. I just told the pilots to send and ACARS that I will not be able to work my next flight to SFO. 

I really wanted to because I feel like it will be good to get away from CIC for a bit right now. He has been nursing me ever since I tried to kill myself and I'm over it. Maybe I'll feel better when we land but right now I am sucking on ice and it's making my stomach hurt again. That means no food or water. Wonder if I can do it? And if I am sick, does working mean I am choosing my job over my well being? 

In fact, I dare say this is what this sickness is all about. I just so happen to get sick a few hours after eating airplane food. The food literally made me sick to my stomach. Ingesting airline makes me sick to my stomach. I think it's time to bid this job adieu and I'm really confused about what I should be doing. I couldn't find my old school weight and balance forms and I told myself that when this forms run out then I'll walk away from CP. I'm sure there in my bag somewhere. 

If I could be doing anything in the world right now I would be teaching yoga classes a few times a day and traveling on CIC's benefits. I am not sure flying is for me anymore. I don't feel any joy with it. I don't want to be fired from CP but if it happened I am not sure it would be the worse thing in the world. I want to leave on my terms though. This job is making me sick.