What do I really know? I've had a hard time lately and I don't want to write as much as writing is clarifying for me. I don't want to crochet as much as I use to enjoy it. I don't want to move. I want to lie still and do nothing. I have taken away all hope in my life for my job at Compass. This is the longest I have ever had a job and well, maybe that has something to do with wanting to leave. I don't like to feel trapped. My job use to provide me with such freedom but it wasn't my job that gave me freedom. If anything lately I have revealed just how trapped I really am at work.
I wonder if I can type this sentence with my eyes closed. I did. That was cool. What else coudl I do with emy eys closed? Ah reality sets in. Once there was focus and now there is this. There is undertainlty and a lack fo fiath in my own skills. I want to have so much focus that I can keep typing with my eyes closed. How did I learn to type like this? I was in grade school and taking computer class was one of my favorite things because I loved to play the typing lessons. I became really good at it. I don't care why they were teaching me to do it. We don't give our brains much credit. I am not sure I could fill in a blank keyboard but maybe I could. Standby.
So I just did a test to see if I could make put every letter to the keyboard in it's place and I couldn't just do it visually. I had to incorporate my hands and spell words on an air keyboard in order to find their place. I missed the placing of z, v, and y. Otherwise I couldn't just picture the keyboard in my head and write it out. I type on my keyboard so much I find this interesting that something I interact with daily doesn't come to me more easily than it did. Such is life. I live life everyday and some things I have figured out but some I have not. I am not an expert typist. I am not an expert human. I am not sure if I want to be.
I want to find a reason to live for myself. I have seen what I can do for others but nothing for myself. I should accept what is. I should accept the way this world works. Typing that makes me want to cry. I don't want any of this still. Even with an amazing partner, friends, and family. Even with this exciting job and the prospect of teaching yoga and writing and gardening. I still don't want to be here. I might need to take some type of drug. But the spiritual world say all of the answers lie within. In where? In me? Because I feel emptiness. I feel sinking. Am I just a tsunami that is swelling? I am not sure.
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