Suicide Ramblings

Just had a great weekend.  I had been planning a trip to Las Vegas as a surprise for CIC to go see Rush, his favorite band.  It has been really nice getting to know him in a different way.  Music, specifically Rush is such a huge part of his identity.

So much happening and not happening.  I am not working right now.  I feel guilty about it.  I am grateful to be in a situation where I don't have to work.  Part of me doesn't want to work.  I don't want to be back in the system.  It's almost as if I won't have a choice.  What can I choose?  In some ways I still don't want to be here.  I don't want to have to be alive.  I feel that emotion all over me and some days I am not certain it will ever go away.  Experiences have been nice but to be honest I don't give a fuck about experiencing life.  Even after all these great fucking moments, such as seeing Rush perform at what could very well be one of their last concerts, somehow I still don't give a fuck.  I'll do shit.  Go places.  Eat good food.  Laugh.  Cry.  Give thanks.  Meet cool people.  Find new music.  All of that I really don't give a shit about.

This isn't play for me, it's torture.  Why should I be forced to be here if I don't want to be here?  I don't care why I am needed/wanted.  I don't care what I am good for.  I don't care what I have to offer.  There are 8,000 other people out there with so much to offer.  This world will continue to rotate, thrive, and burn without me.  So a couple hundred people will be hurt when I am gone but the truth is they will all go on.  I feel I am doing this for them and not for me.  If I had to get what I wanted I'd be dead by now.  Dead and never to rise again.  I'm so over this shit.  I am over it and I am tired of going through all these motions to show everyone that I am doing everything I can do they can fucking sleep at night.

I don't want this anymore.  I don't want any of it...

I suppose if I had to live it would be in a quiet cottage in the middle of nowhere.  Trees and untreated grass.  A garden with chickens and cows.  A huge library of books.  Heh, sounds like I would live like a hobbit.  That's probably why I like them so much.  Just simplicity.