Failing Before Starting

Today I was supposed to take my driver's exam to get a license and I didm' get the chance to do so because I wasn't ready.  I didn't know where the emergency parking break was.  I didn't know how to hand signal.  I didn't know where the defroster was.  After all that he said the windshield wasn't acceptable for driving so I couldn't take the test today.  Talk about feeling defeating.  I thought I had done everything I could to take this fucking test and truthfully I was unprepared.  I didn't do enough to prepare for the exam.   Although I am getting a second chance the truth is I wouldn't have passed the test.  This is supposed to be an opportunity for me to start over and right now it fucking sucks.  This has triggered all sorts of shit.  I am supposed to be writing the third installment of my journey with suicide and I had every proof of the work I had been doing riding on this test.

Learning how to drive was giving me all sorts of confidence in my recovery and being told that all the work I have been doing has fallen short fucking sucks so much.  It hurts.  It's like in this world I will never be well enough for other people.  The interesting part is that I drove home from the place very well.  I don't know anything about cars.  CIC wanted me to read the manual of his car and I didn't do it.  Had I done it I would have known a little more about the car.  He tried to get to me to do and I didn't do it.  I am in such a pattern right now.  One thing goes "wrong" and my whole world falls apart.  Except nothing went wrong.  I have another opportunity to do this and I don't want to because I didn't do it the first time.

I felt all this coming.  I felt I wouldn't do well.  I tried to talk myself into working with this experience better since I knew it was coming but alas here I am.  I just want these feelings to move up and out of me.  I wasn't present.  I was anxious and here I am.

I didn't know this part of me was still in me but I guess it is.  I remember this part of me.  I learned about her when I was young.  Can I now show gratitude for the revealing?  Can I now move forward and leave this all in the past?  Boy was I fucking triggered today.  I want to get this over with.  If I get to take this test again today and fail it then it means I have not been deemed a safe driver.  It means I will have to do this over again and again until I get it.

That is the exact reason I wanted to die; having to do something again and again until you pass a test seems absolutely exhausting.   The work I've been doing with FMR is supposed to combat that.  I think I should call JC...