CIC & I: Sex Today

I am freaking out again, at least in this moment.  There are times when I know I want to spend the rest of forever with him but right now I want to run away.  We just had sex and I was feeling very stressed.  I was so worried about my back hurting and his penis hurting me that I failed to enjoy most of it.  This is not normal.  Sex has always been so intense between us.  Sex with Luis was gentle and his penis wasn’t as big. 

I have to say that I miss that about sex.  I sometimes feel like CIC is just too big to enjoy.  Like, literally.  When he is on top it’s nice.  When he is all the way in sometimes it feels good and sometimes it just feels like there’s a big penis inside of me.  This is problem.  When I am stressed before sex and start to have sex, I will take it all in my neck.  I know this about me so I make efforts to relax.  There are times when I can get a grip on it or CIC will do something to make me present and relaxed.  Sometimes he pounds the stress out of me.  Lately though, the pounding is too much.

It seems I am more into foreplay (mostly with my boobs and ass) these days and gentleness.  I use to want to get straight to the fucking.  We have such a strong energy between us and it just intensifies during sex.  Today I felt so overwhelmed by that energy that sex was hard to enjoy.  I even got on top which I thought was something I wanted more of but it didn’t help me.  In fact, it stressed me out more because it doesn’t feel good for me.  I can’t sit on his dick most of the time.  It’s just too big and it completely bypasses the physical points in my vagina that would feel good for me. 

I am not sure what he likes regarding me being on top and that’s the other factor.  I am so insecure when I am on top of him.  I feel like my vagina doesn’t feel good for him mostly because in most angles on top, his penis doesn’t feel good for me.    Of course when all this stuff happens I start to question the whole forever thing.  We are sexually compatible, right?  I know that as a couple we are supposed to work on these things together.  It just seems so bleak right now and I am afraid that if he can’t be pleased with me, he will seek pleasure in other places.

That causes a sense of panic and urgency to fix it and fix it fast  thus more stress.  Why am I a wired like this?  I want to be done with this stress.  I’m supposed to get my period tomorrow so I am highly emotional right now.  Then again, I might not get the damn period because my schedule is all fucked up. 

I need to relax.  Heh, I stress about relaxing. 

Swimming

When I was little, I was afraid to swim.  I didn’t like the feeling of being surrounded by water and not feeling the ground.  My siblings seemed to be good at it.  They could float and everything.  For some reason, I didn’t like the feeling of water in my ear, the feeling of weightlessness. I couldn’t seem to breathe through my mouth. I would always take the water in either through my nose or my mouth. 

A distant cousin of mine held me under the water a couple of times because she thought I had a romantic interest in my cousin.  It was quite traumatizing.  My cousin on my dad’s side, Sean, would suffocate me with pillows whenever I wouldn’t comply with his sexual advances.  Those two events definitely left a mark on me but my fears of deep water existed before that.  Additionally, those two events are no longer attached to me in the ways they use to be.

For some reason when I was in a swimming class and I would try to swim, I wouldn’t get far and I wouldn’t stay afloat.  I also couldn’t tread water.  My favorite move in the swimming pool was the jellyfish. It was the most I could surrender at the time in water. 

Today, not much as changed.  I am not as afraid anymore but there is still something holding me back.  I am literally not sure how to swim.  I see others doing it and when I try it, it doesn’t seem to work out for me.  This is especially true when it comes to treading water. I literally don’t get it.  And I also know at this point that I am thinking about it way too much. 

I need to learn how to get out of my mind and into my body.  I need to learn to trust the water and how to flow with it.  I can’t assume that I will freak out and drown. It’s almost as if I have died by drowning in a past life because I see no reason why in this life I should hold this fear of being in deep water. 

Another challenge is floating.  Sometimes when I try to float, I just sink right to the bottom.  People tell me to relax and I have successfully floated before but I wasn’t relaxed.  To me it seems floating takes a constant amount of work to keep your body up.  My arms and legs float but my mid section usually sinks right down unless I engage my core.  When I seem extremely out of shape people floating I think that core has nothing to do with it but maybe it does.

I am really confused about this and I want to talk to someone about this issue.  I will put more effort into this the next time I get in water. 

The Big Three Ooooooohhhhhh!!!

The big three oooooohhhh!

So, I’m 30 years old.  I haven’t imagined myself much at 30 but here I am.  I am not having in midlife crisis moment as my mother predicted.  I am actually very happy to be done being in my 20’s.

I decided to have a birthday party in Chicago with my closest friends and family.  All of my siblings were there except for Courtney, who classically ran away from a family function, and Najee, who was too young to be there.  My mom and my daddy’s were there. It was super fun.  My wonderful boyfriend CIC went all out for my birthday.  He bought some sexy ass clothes to enhance his handsome looks and he got us a hotel suite in downtown Chicago. 

He surprised me with some champagne and an amazing view.  The suite was so huge that instead of going out to nightclub like I had planned, we ended up partying in the hotel room.  My siblings got to get to know CIC more.  I was also blessed to be able to fly my Chica to Chicago to celebrate with me.  I am so glad she was there because when my baby sister got all funky on me I had my Chica’s healing power. 

After partying in the hotel with my siblings and friends, I spent a romantic night with CIC.  We has thus huge bathroom and awesome tub.  We decided to run and hot bubble bath and bather together while having a night cap.  During the bath we had amazing birthday sex.  After the weekend celebration, we decided to do things like that more often.  I hadn’t seen him in about 3 weeks up until that point.

CIC is based in LAX and commuting from IAH.  Meanwhile, I am MSP based and I have been on ground since January.  I am also in yoga teacher training every Sunday so we haven’t been seeing each other as much as we are use to.  That may all change as I am going back to the line in April.  I talk more on this later.

So from Chicago, my best friend Unicorn and I went to Costa Rica to celebrate our birthdays together.  Her birthday is 2 days after mine.  She turned 27 years old.  Unicorn is an interesting woman.  She use to be very egocentric and quite the perfectionist and I have seen her blossom into a loving woman.  I actually didn’t like her that much when I met her.  Never judge a book by it’s cover but this cover makes it hard not to.  Typical Tracie friend: astoundingly beautiful with the body to match.  How do I find these women??? Why do I find these women?

We flew to Costa Rica from Atlanta.  We go a great deal on our adventure: 8 nights with breakfast and transportation for $450 per person.  Can’t beat that!  Our first night we traveled on a bumpy van ride to Arenal, which is where there is a beautiful non-erupting volcano.  It was a pretty cool view.  We were right across the street from it.  It was breath taking and my first ever sight of a volcano.   The next day we went zip lining near the volcano and had some easy on the eyes instructors.  Totally played into our egos and it was so fun.  After zip lining we enjoyed some man made hot springs and delicious piña coladas. 

After drinks we went back into the city to hang with a couple guys we had met earlier who were trying to sell us a deal on an adventure with free massages from them… They were cool dudes but it took a while to calm them down from the flirting.  We drank a bit that night and then headed back to the hotel to recharge for the next day.

The next day was perhaps the high point of the vacation for me.  We found another awesome deal from a tourist vendor.  We got to go on a 2 hour jungle hike around the volcano and then partake in adult beverages around a natural hot spring.  When the transportation picked us up from our hotel, the van was pretty full.  There were 5 big dudes in there from Poland.   A couple of them were particularly interested in my vibrams.  It made for a cool conversation piece. Unicorn and I agreed on a good-looking ones.  Prior to our trip we decided we would find some guys to buy us drinks and flirt with us.  These were those guys indeed.  We had awesome time trekking through the jungle.  Our guide had 27 years of experience in the jungles and well as the volcano.  He was pretty epic.  After the jungle hike we went to the hot springs where our guide had rum and juice for us.  The Polish guys found out it was a birthday vacation for us and began to sing birthday songs in Polish very exuberantly.   It was pretty damn cool.  We then enjoyed each other in the hot springs together.  After it was over we all agreed to meet downtown for more birthday celebrations.

We met at some dive bar.  We were 15 minutes late and the boys were about 40 minutes late.  It all worked out in the end though.  They bought us drinks all night.  It later came out that one guy in particular was interested in me in a romantic way.  His name was Martin.  He looked like Eric Bana…drool…but even hotter.  I had a free pass from CIC to enjoy myself from vacation but for some reason when it came down to it, I only saw CIC in that moment.  In fact, I wasn’t even turned on by the guy or anything.  I wonder how that would have turned out…

The next day we headed to Montezuma early in the morning.  It’s right off the inner east coast of the peninsula so we had about a 2 hour car drive, a 1.5 hour ferry ride, and about another hour or so in the car.  We stayed at a place called El Sano Banano and it was amazing.  Wonderful staff and food!  I loved it there.  Unicorn met some American boys in the van from Arenal who were also on their way to Montezuma.  I had no interest in them because one, it was early in the morning and I don’t care to normally talk so much.  Two, after the very cool and hot Polish gentlemen, everyone else seemed uninteresting.  Three, all I wanted in Costa Rica was to experience the rain forest and meet hot foreign guys; my trip has peaked the night before so I didn’t give a shit what happened after that.  

I am sure they thought I was a total bitch and I really didn’t give a shit.  Fortunately/Unfortunately, we spent a lot more time with these guys with a fair share of drama.  They were just some dude as white boys and I just have no interest in that.  At the same time, all of us shared some very personal things with each other.  We were destined to meet and connect.  One of the guys, Billy, is on this beautiful spiritual journey and although he came off like a dumbass American, never judge a book by it’s cover, he was very deep and had intuitive messages for everyone.  The other guy Chris was not being himself all the time yet Unicorn took an interest in him, which is why we were all hanging out in the first place. 

I did my best to save face but I was pretty bored by these guys.  I personally don’t go on vacation to meet American dudes but that’s just me. Of course I never mind playing wingman for any of my tribe.    When we arrived in Montezuma, we all decided to do a small hike to a waterfall.  It was pretty cool. I didn’t get in the water because I wasn’t confident in my swimming skills (yet another topic to write about).  We ended the night with margaritas, which didn’t sit well on my tummy the next day but I pooped it all out.

We mostly ate at our hotel.  I ate lots of fruit and it was delicious.  The food in this country is all organic and pretty damn good.  I ate so healthy there.  I drank a lot of beer but balanced it all out with lots of walking, hiking, and yoga!  The next day we spent a lot of time on the beach and did a kundalini yoga class.  It was Unicorn’s first time doing it and she didn’t like it.  She prefers more vigorous asana.  Most nights we ate at this place called Organico that had live music and great food.  We went to this bar called Chico’s, which was dominated very much by locals.  It was a strange place. 

The next day we went SUP Boarding for a couple of hours.  We had another great instructor/tour guide.   I wore a life vest and fell in the water once due to my inability to turn well and some wind.  It was very refreshing. We stopped to eat some coconut on the shore in the middle of boarding.  It was beautiful.  The next day we had signed up for spa treatments, spent more time at a pool from a sister hotel and on the beach, and took a yoga class with live music.  I forgot the name of the unique Swiss instrument but it was awesome.  A very strengthening and centering class.

The next day we made the trek back to San Juan in order to be nearer to the airport to make our flight home.  It was a motel but it was friendly, clean, and had nice staff.  We ended up getting drunk in our room while watching Wall-E and doing yoga.  It was a great way to end an awesome trip.  We had pizza that did a number on my stomach the next day.  I did my best to stay away from dairy while I was there and I had too much on that last day.   The next morning we made business class on the way back to the States. 

After clearing customs I was able to make it on a flight back to MSP in what seemed like impossible odds.  There were only 2 seats available and I was number 10 on the list.  I have never placed any worry in being able to get home and I wanted to maintain my faith in seeing myself at my yoga class.  Me and the Divine were able to make a miracle happen and I was the first standby cleared on that flight.  

All in all I have had an extremely blessed 30th birthday experience.  I am so grateful to god for all the people who love and support me but mostly for god's abundant and infinite love.  He truly amazes me with his blessings.  Conclusively, I would like to blog about the following topics below. 

Swimming

Food & My Body

One Night Stands

CIC & I

Pain

Yoga and Teacher Training

I miss writing and it always gives me better perspective.  I love you, I love me, we are one.  Namaste.

desires, dreams, and aspirations

What is my intention for manifesting this particular desire? Is the intention love-based or one of lack (fear based)?

I think that thus far I have realized how much I have.  I have abundance.  My blessings are over flowing.  I am so grateful for all that I have.  My intention for this is to help people.  To make change in people's lives.  My hope one day is that the monetary system will be eliminated and that we decide to flourish as a people based off of intrinsic rewards.  That we put love above all else.

I will free my family from this system.  I will create a school for yoga for kids.  It will be a private non-profit school to create a new kind of human being.  I keep saying all I need is one when the truth is that my voice was made for many.  I will start my yoga studio and then start my school.  I will then be on TED Talks in 3 years to hopefully change the world.  This is the beginning of the Time of Magic.

Ask and you shall receive!

Hello 2014

I can't believe this is my first post of the year.  The universe has been beckoning me to write and I have avoided it because I know the things that writing can bring to light.

I am three months into yoga teacher training and it has been a spiritually opening and grounding experience.  I have not worked a flight this year so far as I have been assisting the training department.  My airline opened a base in LAX and they are struggling to honor the CBA of our union.  My position as the EAP chairperson has been very work intensive but I have a feeling it hasn't been as intense as it could be, will be.

CIC and I are still going strong.  He is still married but at this time it doesn't matter to me.  I do feel like there are limitations to how we can be publicly.  Perhaps for fear of judgment.  Lack of understanding.  The people who love us the most know about us.  I suppose that is all that matters.  I can't help but look and feel like a hypocrite for the person I am to be.  How can I lead others down the path when I have this hanging over my head.  His betrayal of his vows are something he has to live with but I too live with them as an accessory to infidelity.

I haven't been in communication with my family much, save for my sisters.  I find it hard to interact with them sometimes since I am so connected to their energies.  They are living in horrid conditions right now.  I am wondering if most of my hidden emotions a linked to my relationship with my family.  I am letting them be and it was hard at first.  I have to live my life by example.  That may be the best I can do.

I have to love them despite our differences in lifestyle, priorities, etc.  Yet, they all still have each other through the bad times.  We were never poor black folk.  Not because we were monetarily rich, but because our values lied in each other.  Helping each other.  Being there for one another.  It's like that all died with my aunt.  I never wanted to be my aunt.  I felt she was taken advantage of but she just couldn't say no.  I don't even want to say no.

My family could be much worse off.  Dealing with addiction and demons.  But we don't have those troubles.  We have trouble with sloth, cleanliness, and communication.  I guess that isn't so bad given what some families have to endure.  How can I be  loving to them?  I think they want more of me.  I will have to give them me if that's what they want.  I have to love them enough to be honest about who I am and know that if they are meant to be in my life, they will be there even through the initial emotional reactions to my behavior.  I want to release this.  I want to love them through this.  I want to release patterns for the sake of my nieces, nephew, and little bro.  I believe it is possible.  I believe it will happen.

I am looking forward to my winnings to take them from some of the mess.  I am asking for a rewrite of our charts so that when the money problems are gone, they will be able to deal with themselves.  I can't wait until this money system falls apart...  Money doesn't change who you are.  It doesn't determine your happiness.  Happiness comes from within.  Be the same before and after the money: on the path to spiritual growth; in practice and worship of the highest energy.

I want to take a nap.  I am sleepy.  It is Saturday and I have many things I would like to do such as run, send mail, study yoga, do AFA work, and clean my apartment.  So far it is almost one o'clock and I have only managed to make pancakes and spend all day on my laptop.  I am going to get dressed now and go to the running store to buy running shoes.  Next I am going to gym to run my three miles.  Then I will come home to send off my mail and then take care of this AFA business.

I am so sleepy.  Why am I sleepy?  Why do I get so sleepy when I have so many things to do?  This is my life.  A constant challenge.  A glutton for trial and tribulation.  Getting to know my soul I realize how much of a nerd it is for this Earth experience.

My life is permanently changing this year.  I am living my soul's purpose.  I am very grateful.  And very sleepy.  Better get dressed...

How does a dog get cancer?

Seriously?  This is a valid question.  Have dogs gotten cancer in the past and we never named it?  Sadness.  Check the meat...

Two Left Gloves

I bought these super cute quality gloves to match my winter gear. I lost the left glove some time ago and so today I went to buy another pair. I went to Walgreens to get some stuff and lost the other fucking glove. This is consistent will my winter routine. I'm very frustrated with myself over this. I want to let it go but I just don't see the point in this lesson again. And now I see that it has to do with my pelvic issue. Some things that should get lost that aren't serving me, such as this fucking endo, are hanging around. It has come back five years later and I don't understand why? What did I forget to do last time? Not loving to myself? Mischaneling my creativity. So many things that need to be repeated. So many soul lessons. I feel overwhelmed. Unbalanced. Unsure. Unloved. The feeling of not being good enough. Of forgetting. Of pain. The feeling of losing something you valued. Feeling on top again. Back on my game and knowing better and then boom. The floor is pulled from under you. I'm fine. I don't want to connect right now. I get it. But I don't want too. I'm so sorry I treated you that way. I use to be really good at hiding my pain and emotions but you've somehow managed to make me drop my guard. I can't help but feel myself around you. It's always been that way which is why I would always push you away. And that's what I want to do right now. I want to push you away. I didn't want to say mean things to you. I'm sorry. I don't like speaking to you in an unloving way. I don't want to have to keep apologizing for that. I am still learning. Always learning.