January 14, 2011 Three day trips

Well, I normally fly 4-day trips because it works better as a commuter.  What is a commuter?  Well, in my job a commuter is someone who is based out of one city or state and lives in another who has to fly to get to work.  I am based in Minneapolis, MN but I live in Chicago. I also do not drive so my commute turns into about four hours of work if include my ride on CTA.  Such is my life...

Anyway, commuters don't want to have to be flying everyday to get to work, then have to fly all day for work, and then have fly to get home after work.  Most trips in a schedule don't make that possible, for one.  And for two, you would have to be really senior to pull something like that off.  You see, seniority is everything in this business.  You get some kind of say is what flights you work, where you go, your layovers, you days off, and for how long you are away.  My seniority makes it possible for me to have a bit of say in my schedule but as a commuter, getting as much flying done as possible in one trip makes 4-day trips ideal.

Also, you want trips that start late and end early.  That way you don't have to leave the day before a trip starts just to be there on time.  When you start late, you can leave the day of the trip.  Now for some people this may sound risky but for people in this industry (specifically commuters because I know many people who would never commute for this job), it's the most convenient thing.  Grant it coming up the day before of trips start can ensure less stress and fatigue, it can also put a hurting on your finances and personal life.  Unless you have someone you can stay with in your base city (and a way to get to the airport), you have to pay for a hotel or worse, a crashpad.  You get less time with friends and family at home too since you are using your days off to get to work which in my book, is essentially working.  Getting done with a trip early is great because you can get home and attempt to have a life.  It also helps you have all day to get home rather than one or two flights at the end of night.  Sucks to get stuck.  Unfortunately, most people aren't so fortunate to get trips that are commutable.

Yet, I am tired of 4-day trips.  Seriously, I feel so tired by day two.  I know this sounds ridiculous but they just go on for way too long.  And now that Luis is here, I would rather get home as soon as possible.  I hate leaving him.  I wish I could have him every night.

So, for my schedule bid for next month, I am hoping to get shorter trips, hell even day trips!  That would be great.  Commutable of course.  Ideally, I would love to start at like 3pm and end at 8am for trips over two days.  That would be sweet! Well, gotta get some sleep.  Early wake-up tomorrow.  I still have to catch up on my blogs.  Workin on it.

Peace

January 13, 2011 Bills, Bills, Bills

Destiny's Child couldn't have sang it better.  Can you pay my bills?  Can you pay my telephone bills? Then maybe baby we can chill.  Well, I am not necessarily asking someone to pay my bills (Bill Gates...I wouldn't say no) but today was payday which means it's time to pay bills.  Yes, all of my bills.  From the phone to the cable to the collections.  It's all bills day and the bills must be paid.

When I was kid, I use to think it would be fun to pay bills like an adult and at some point, I really did get pleasure from the responsibility of it all.  And then the bills just started just started to pile up.  At one point I was paying about 15 bills at one time.  Now, I am not big spender.  I don't go shopping.  I splurge on food if you consider that splurging (eating out), and I only buy way I absolutely need (and sometimes I don't even buy that hence me not having a winter coat for the past several winters now).  Most of the bills were hospital bills or collections for hospital bills.  Oh and of course the infamous cingular bill (don't really feel like going into details about that right now).

I am not irresponsible with money but I have never been much of a saver.  Saving is new to me.  I just started doing it and it's a struggle for several reasons.  One, I don't like to save much of anything and if money is sitting around, I am sure a bill can be paid.  Two, my family doesn't have a good history with money.  I was never taught about money when I was a child and I had to teach myself...still learning.  Three, every time I would save some money, something would come up where I would spend it, be it bus fare, helping the fam, etc.  Well, those days are over!  Saving is apart of my life now and it's sooo important for our future.

So, I don't have fifteen bills to pay at once anymore.  I am so grateful to God for being at a better point in my financially to where I have my own place and all the bills can be paid.  Things are still tight right now because Luis hasn't found a job but we are making it work out great!  How great you say?  Well, we were able to pay off bed so that now we own it!  That is sooo awesome.  Now, such is my life at this point that when one bill leaves, another one comes.  It's time for me to start paying my student loans.  Now initially I thought, I better take steps to get back on to the income contingent program again.  Then I thought, wait a minute.  I have never been at a point in my life where I could afford to make payments on my loans by any stretch of the imagination yet here I am, here we are.  I couldn't do this without my husband of course.

Our financial future has never looked better.  I am so hopeful about the direction we are headed in and I will be even more excited when he begins working this month.

Ciao!

In the air again….

Ok, now this just seems odd.  I promise you I am not working right now.  I am once again trying to get from point A to B and then to point A again.  Where am I off to this time?  Minneapolis St. Paul, MN for an interview.  I am going to an interview, projected to last from 1300-1800, to be an Initial Operations Experience/Line Check Flight Attendant Instructor.  It sounds like a mouth full and pretty serious but it’s nothing at a desk.  I basically would be training flight attendants how to fly by using everything they have learned from initial training class. I have wanted this position ever since I became a flight attendant but many things got in the way that made me ineligible.

What makes me eligible now?  Well, ironically I have the same record I have had before at my job, save for the PTW training, but the qualifications for the position have changed for the benefit of those who have made a mistake or two yet have displayed enough character, responsibility, and integrity to make up for it.  This news was very exciting for me and I will pray that this is where I am supposed to be right now.

My day didn’t start off that great though.  I didn’t have time for a shower because I woke up my husband too late for his needs in the morning and then lied in bed waiting when I could have been getting something ready.  I once again have forgotten to bring Eva’s dress with me to return to her.  I am not happy about that and I have let way too many things get in the way of me getting it done.  Before I could say it was because my husband’s didn’t take it to the cleaners, yet now it is hanging in the closet clean and I still have forgotten it.  I hope that doesn’t affect Eva’s decision in hiring me for that position. I barely made it in time enough for this flight, I failed to eat breakfast, and truthfully, I should have left earlier than I did to get to MSP. 

Do I really want this?  Well, I wouldn’t be on this plane if I didn’t.  The truth is that I didn’t plan well.  What have I been really planning well lately?  There are so many things I have needed to get done for weeks or months now and I just haven’t started it.  I definitely can’t go into the chaos of planning a wedding with all of this on my plate.  I need to create a better energy, some clean space to move forward.  I am going to bring it on this interview!  No holds bar.  I really want this.  I have always wanted it. 

 

Speaking of careers and where I want to be, I finally heard back from mainline.  I have submitted my application and I wonder what will happen next?  Do I really want to work for Big Mama?  Well, I kinda just want that red dress, lol!  No seriously, I do want to see the world.  I do want to know what it is like to work for a mainline airline.  Yet with my current airline, I have soooooo much more flexibility with my schedule.  Is it worth it to give that all up to go to mainline?  Part of me screams yes while the other part of my screams no. 

Pros: possibility to fly international (for work and for play); experience what it’s like to be a real flight attendant (not that I am not a real flight attendant now but the difference between the regional world and the mainline world is kinda huge); more money (and mo money mo money money); the red mo-fucking dress (that shit is hawt). 

Cons: loss of seniority (I can get weekends, holidays, and any day off I want right now.  Seniority is everything is this industry and I can not stress enough how much of a lost that will be.  Especially since I have just gotten married and Luis and I have just barely gotten to be in the same place.  If I take that job, I will definitely need a crash pad); reserve is reserve is reserve (can you say I will be Big Mama’s bitch and crash pad, crash pad, crash pad?); I leave PTW behind (a legacy?  Maybe.  But now that I right this, that is a pro and a con); I will miss my friends (a regional is like a little family, at least mine is), I am not a good swimmer (ok, this seems like a silly one but I know that real flight attendant training requires swimming skills that I kinda don’t have).

Well shit, that is a long Cons list, lol!  Does that officially mean the cons outweigh the pros?  That would suck.  But you know what, as a co-creator of the universe, it doesn’t matter what the cons or odds are.  If I want this and work hard for it, it will happen without trouble. I can do this; I know I can.  I would love to experience this and many things.  I want to take advantage of this job while it lasts.  I want to be a flight attendant.  I keep thinking, will this be my last year of flying? Maybe; maybe not.  I know I want to teach and I know I can do that any time.  The window for flying won’t be open for too long.  I better keep riding the wave. 

Peace

January 11, 2010

The birds and the bees

Yo, yo, yo, yoooo!  What’s good blog?  Bloggin about?  I suppose so.   What’s happening on my end?  Well, I guess Luis and I had “the talk.”  Yes, we talked about sex.  I know that shouldn’t sound like a big deal but lately…I mean, like this year, I don’t think we have had sex.  But long before that, we have been having sex more infrequently.   It’s sad really and this is not normal for Luis and I. 

So what is my problem?  How many times will I ask myself that question in this blog.  Well, I have some ideas.  Stress, depression, feeling unattractive, not feeling aroused, fatigue, marriage, I don’t feel sexi, etc. etc.  I never wanted to be the type of woman who says, not tonight baby, I have a headache or I am too tired or I not in mood, etc. etc. That is not me but that has been the case lately.  I want to sleep when we get in the bed together.  My tummy has been acting up.  I have bad gas everyday.  My neck, body, and head all began to hurt as soon as I get close to Luis or I start to think about sex.

I know that I have been going through some kind of depression lately, I mean, did try to off myself not too long ago.  I am not fully recovered and this I know.  I don’t want to do much these days, not even the things I love doing.  I am discouraged.  I am sad.  I find myself unhappiest when I am at home.  It’s not Luis I am unhappy with; I know it’s me.  I know there is some part of myself I am not happy with and I am going through some changes.  I am trying to find love in my life again.

Work is tiring and stressful at times.  When I get home I just want some time to chill and get work out of my system.  I want to catch up on all the sleep I didn’t get while I was working.  I don’t even want to see a plane fly in the sky.  PTW is probably the most draining part of my job right now.  I am always worried as to whether or not the program is good enough, if we are being successful, am I good enough for the program, etc. What do I save for my husband after I get home tired from work?

I have gained some weight, too much for my taste.  I have gas all the time now, which is a big deal coming from only having gas every blue moon.  I am lactose intolerant or something.  Gross.  I don’t feel attractive.  My body does not look or feel good to me.  What am I doing about that?  Well, I haven’t been working out like I should and I know my lack of exercise contributes to my depression, stress, and lack of energy.   Luis tells me all the time how beautiful, sexy, and cute I am but I have trouble accepting it.  He says, he loves my body but I don’t accept it.  I am working on not being rude to him by saying “no, I am not” all the time.  It’s a work in progress…

Let me say something about my husband.  First of all, I call him Cookie because he is the sweetest person I know and I love cookies.  He is a genuine sweetheart.  He truly cares about me (and a lot of other people though he may deny it).  He constant consideration for me is one of the first qualities that attracted me to him.  He would do anything for me.  He knows me so well.  He is ever patient and understanding.  These reasons and more are why I love him.  I have always, and I ALWAYS, desired my husband sexually.  I desired him sexually pretty much from the beginning, since I met him. 

I tell him he excites my insides.  He starts a fire in me that I can’t put out.  He turned on some horny switch in me and until recently, it has been in the on position since I met him.  I am attracted him.  I think he is sexy, cute, handsome, and smooth.  He knows how to touch me.  He has always known how to touch me.  I have never really had to tell him.  Luis and I could have sex all day.  We will take a break but start right back up.  I am so in love with him. 

I feel un-attracted to him at times.  Mostly when I just see him lying around.  I don’t know why that is.  It’s like, if I don’t’ see him moving I think, gross, get off your ass. I wonder if he feels the same way about me?  Sometimes when he sleeps too long, it turns me off.  I feel like he should find something to do.  It really isn’t healthy to sleep so long unless you are way behind on sleep, which he isn’t.  But none of those things are really a big deal.  I don’t think it’s such a huge problem.  Most of the time, I just don’t feel like having sex and I hate that.  I really hate it….

Before it didn’t take much to get me in the mood but lately, I think, Eeeww, not right now.  I hate feeling this way.  I want it to change.  I miss being horny.  I miss having sex with him.  I miss that connection we use to have and I want it back.  I know some couples have it worse.  I mean, it’s probably been two weeks since we have had sex but by our standards, that is waaaaaay too long.  This needs to change. 

I now one thing, I could use a little romance; something sensual and relaxing.  I know I worry too much and I have to stop that.   I am letting my worries get in the way of my orgasms and that is never cool.  Gonna work it.

Footsteps in the dark...

...right above my head.  I can hear my neighbors doing...everything up there.  It's nothing annoying.  It's just what was happening in this moment and I thought, I really like that song.  It's dark in here and I hear footsteps.  Well, that song isn't about the actual action of hearing footsteps in the dark.  It's about who's footsteps you are hearing and why.  It's a song with a nice beat.  It isn't about anything good but the sultry voice of Ronald Isley will make you groove to anything.

What else is happening while writing this blog?  My husband is in bed.  He has been in bed all day.  Kinda disappointing. but that is for him, not for me.   Why disappointing?  Because as a person without a job, Monday is the day to make shit happen.  I really don't know what he would do sometimes if I didn't make shit move.  For example, the apartment is a mess, dinner plans should be made, we could use a trip to the store, and we have several loads of laundry to do.  I have thought of these things and well, if I get up he will get up.  These things do not only affect me, they affect us both (ugh, that song is even getting old for me).  So why is it that he doesn't appear to be conscious of these things?  I mean, it doesn't seem like there is anything else on his plate.  At least not that I know of.  I use to do this with my ex.  Just sit around and see if he would say, hey babe, let's do the dishes or something.  Lol, I would pay money to hear and see a man do such a thing.  Well, maybe my step dad would do such a thing...

I do realize some things.  Not excuses, just things.  Like, we are shit tired after a day of traveling with too much shit and waiting around for a bag that never came.  Well, at least I am tired from that.  He was playing chauffeur this weekend with his family and he was very very stressed for that.  I think he could use a couple days to wind down from that...ok, maybe just one.  I really haven't done much today either.  Haven't washed my ass and barely eating.  I still feel behind on sleep but I can never catch up.  I do know that he hasn't been sleeping.  I have to push him harder in that area.  He has to learn to sleep at night in a timely matter and not do anything else.  Even when he does get enough sleep, he can still sleep all day.  That is huge symptom of depression or sadness.

Then again, this is the story most of the time even when he doesn't have shit to do which is most of the day...

He kinda fell asleep while I was typing this...though he would deny it until I he either died or I annoyed him enough to agree.  Too bad he is cute, can't stand mad at the fool.

Anywho, I will cut him some slack today but tomorrow he better move his ass as I plan to move mine.  One thing that really concerns me is that I feel less attracted to him when I don't see him moving around. What does that mean?  Do all people feel something like that?  Maybe men don't because I have been laying around for most of the day and he has still been all over me telling me I look good, smell good, etc.  What an interesting thing.  Well, I will find something to get into...like wedding planning!!!!!

Seatbelt Nazis…

Ugh, how many days have I missed???  I admit I was a bit distracted during my trip to MCO.  I only got one entry in.  Dang!

So, what is a seatbelt nazi?  Well, I am sure many people have run into them before but didn’t realize such.  A seatbelt nazi is a grouchy flight attendant obsessed with compliance while the seatbelt sign is on and enforces the sign in a very rude, abrupt, and non-empathetic manner.  Unfortunately, my industry is plagued with them.  Seatbelt Nazis are officially a pet peeve of mine.  Interesting, I typed the world Nazis and the auto correct capitalized the ‘n’ (really good to know the Nazis get respect in a word document as a proper noun but the word god doesn’t). Anywuzzle, back to the topic at hand:  The Seatbelt Nazi (dun, Dun, DUNNNNNN)!!!!!!!!!

The origin of the seatbelt nazi dates back to the 70’s when the airline industry probably changed forever.  Prior to that, flight attendants were generally classy, polite, attractive, and nice as a standard for hiring.  Not mention being a nurse. However with the deregulation of this industry, nam, the breaking of the American family, furloughs, unions, expansion, capitalism, job qualifications (loss of height and weight standard namely) etc., flight attendants, well, became bitches.  Fat bitches. Not all…just some.  Oh, and then they began to hirer men (most of the male flight attendants are gay which I absolutely love).  I don’t think that is a bad thing by any means.  I am just noting it as a change that has affected the industry.

So many changes and now what do we have?  Crabby ass flight attendants obsessed with seniority and the seatbelt sign.  These dumb butts make my job sooooo effin hard.  All it takes is one flight attendant to be rude and bam, now all flight attendants suck and are mean! People compare flying to taking grey hound.  Really? Really?  Is this what it has come down to?

I am in no way a seatbelt nazi nor have I ever been.  I will admit to a few seatbelt nazi moments in my career but that is when I kinda sucked at this.  I mean, well, let me clarify.  My sucking (hey, get your mind our of the gutter) is like a 7 on a scale of one to ten.  Most flight attendants operate at 4.  I guess my standards are pretty high.  I hate shitty service for one, and two, presentation is everything.  I guess I take it even more personally because they represent me and I them. 

A few other things about the Nazis: it is my opinion that they are the way they are because they are powerless in some area of their life that they wish they had more power. This could be their marriage, struggles with weight, bratty demanding children, etc.  Another reason for this behavior is poor training from the airlines that brain wash people about what are job really is.  Some of them get a kick out of telling people what to do.  Generally their service can be anywhere on the scale but they get classified with an automatic stank as soon as the nazi behavior reveals itself. 

Eight times out of ten, their service sucks too.  Helping passengers is not high on their list esp. with bags.  And as obsessed as they are about that damn sign, their compliance checks seem to suck ass!  They will not notice seats reclined or bags sticking out from under the seats.  They wake up sleeping people who clearly have their seat belts on to make sure they have them on and that their devices are turned off.  They make 10,753 announcements about the seatbelt sign being on and demand that passengers remain seated.  They don’t even walk and talk all the time!  It’s absolute madness and I can’t understand it! Ok, just had to get that out. 

Why am I writing about this?  Once again, I am 30,000 feet up and on a flight (guess I didn’t have to say on a flight unless I was super woman).  Now, on my way to MCO the flight attendants were kinda nice for the Delta mainline crew.  Coming home was a different story.  A few dramatic things happened but I will limit this to my seatbelt nazi experience.  I am currently on a flight from LGA to ORD. Someone in the back got up to go the restroom and the flight attendant up front, after a general announcement from the flight attendant in back about the seat belt sign still being on, made not one but two announcements about staying seated (I am sure if he new the passenger’s name or the color his shirt he would have identified such on the PA).  Not to mention, this guy was already at the back and I am sure the other flight attendant would have properly handled the situation without a PA.

When I got on the flight, the front flight attendant did not offer to take my coat.  At first I thought it was because I was on the phone, but he did ask me what I would like to drink inflight…

…

…

…

w

t

f

!

I told him that I didn’t know what I would like to drink in the air on the ground… He was not happy about that.  Now, since I have already been through some shit with Delta today, I was not in the mood for stankiness.  Yet, there it was before me.

 There was meal on the flight and I was very happy about this except he didn’t know much about the meal, just said it was a sandwich or a salad.  I asked for the meat to be taken off my meal, he gives me meat anyway.  I asked him, what kind of soup it was, he said, I haven’t tasted it and that I should know because I serve it all the time.  I told him, I have never served soup on a flight.  I ask for potato chips instead and it took him several minutes to get me the wrong kind when I was very specific about what I wanted.  Now, with this going on, I knew he would not be around to take my tray nor the other passengers in first class when we were done.  So, we waited and he finally came.  After taking my tray, he then asked if I want something to drink.  I said, may I have some tea please?  His body language was all wrong without a yes or no answer to the question.  He brings the tea and literally dumps one sugar, one cream, and one sweetener in my hand.  I tell him that I would like it black and he acts as if he doesn’t hear me and walks away.  I even called him by his name to try to get his attention, but no to avail he is on robot mode.  He is a seatbelt nazi.

This is so disappointing but I kinda knew how things would go after he asked me on the ground what I would like to drink in the air.  But what can I do?  Maybe not be so concerned about it, jump to too many conclusions, not be so judgmental, and well, just not give a shit.  Why do things bother me so?  I mean, I can tolerate this but I don’t agree with it.  The best thing I can do and use Point the Way (read about that in another blog entry) to spread the good word about what our job should really be from a guest service point of view and continue model the kind of flight attendant I want to be and hope that others see that, see the fruits or my labor and join in.  Now, I will never say I am the best at this, better than anyone else, or that I am a ten.  In fact, I am open to learning more about this industry and life everyday.  They only thing I can do is my best.  I will do my best everyday and hope for the best.  I hope that someone else joins me in that challenge. 

January 8, 2011 Love and Marriage

Today was the wedding of Alberto and Monica. I was so happy for them.  Seeing them together made me think about getting married to Luis, whether or not we did things the right way, and what our wedding will look like this year.  Yes I said, wedding.  We plan on having a wedding in October in the Dominican with all of my family and hopefully most of my good friends there.  This wedding was definitely a window into what that would look like…boy do we have a lot of work ahead.

The ceremony was beautiful.  One thing that really hit home with me was some of the things the priest said about marriage.  One was never to embarrass your partner.  Always support your partner, even when your partner appears to be doing something strange in public.  Two, learn to eat humble pie.  There are going to be many moments in the relationship in which you or your spouse will have to take a step back to realize some things, some rights, some wrongs, and in the end, what is really important.  Three, well, at this present moment I can't remember the third thing but it was really good.  None of this was in any kind of order.  Oh, yeah, he also said something about waiting until you get home to have a talk about something rather than do it in public in front of others.  I suppose that may go under the embarrassment category.


He also spoke about marriage being a sacrement and I suppose I never really thought about that.  I guess it was because our ceremony was just a tad bit impersonal and unconventional.  Being in that church gave me a certain feeling about getting married that I really didn't feel in our wedding.  Now don't get me wrong, I think that my wedding was beautiful and precious.  I suppose standing up there, or kneeling in the case of Alberto and Monica, in a holy place surrounded by the people who love you most creates a different kind of energy.  It's like everyone is committing to the marriage, in the same way a group of people commit to raising a child in a certain way during a baptism.  I really liked it and I look forward to having a wedding, a real wedding.

I suppose Luis and I are standing...at least, lol!  I really don't know how to describe it.  Things have been good so far...at least in som areas.  I think as a couple our hearts and minds (TBD) are in the right place but individually, I am not exactly sure.  At least more so for myself.

What the hell is my problem?  Not exactly sure.  Some screws are definitely loose up there.  I struggle with some of the same things I struggled with in my last relationship and now I have to do what I definitely didn't do before which is to develop tools to keep me from pushing away so much. It was easy with my ex because well, for one, we sure as hell weren't married so I had a way out.  Two, and most importantly, I was not in love with that man anymore.  That made it hella easy to push him away.  I remember when it really started. I remember it was the moment he asked me to take the wheel. I agreed and drove myself crazy because I don't know how to share the ride.  I never realized how much I liked to be in control of the things around me until I started PTW with the Fish.  Seeing that part of me made me realize some areas of my life I have been too controlling in thus affecting my relationship.  Hey, I'm working on it.  Admitting is the first step.  

Anywuzzle, on a much higher note....Wedding bells are ringing…God be with us!  Maybe I will feel what a newlywed feels after getting married in a different way.  I can't stop thinking about planning this wedding.  That is all that is on my mind right now.  I guess I better get to it so I can free my thoughts.


Peace!

Mi otra familia...

Well, I would like to be asleep right now but I am visiting mi otra familia.  That would be my husband's family. I arrived safely in Orlando and now I am catching up on my blog posts.  This will be a quick one (at least compared to the novels I normally right).

There are times when I am with my husband's family that I feel right at home, like this is where I am supposed to be.  I understand Spanish perfectly, I don't need anyone to translate a damn thing.  The laughter, the smell of the food, the celebrations, all of these things make me feel like home.  They show me what a family is all about.  What a family should look like.  How a family should function.  How I would like my family to be.  I use to say that I must have spoken Spanish in a past life because the language and the culture just spoke to me and came so easily when I began to learn it.  I remember my love affair with the language.  So much to the  point where I knew I would teach my children Spanish (I never anticipated it would be the language of their father).  I still feel that way.

And then there are times when I am so lost in translation I question my English!  I kinda panic.  What are they saying?  What are they talking about?  How should I respond?  What they hell does that mean?  Wait, I missed that one word, what is an encrucijada? Where the hell is Yelisa and Luis when I need them!!!!  I freak out.  I second guess my skills.  I don't speak enough with my husband.  I tune out both intentionally and unintentionally and if I tune out for too long, it becomes way too hard to tune back in.  I struggle.  I still have that fear of native speakers rejecting me.  Stronger than that is my perfectionism and ego in my head saying, "wait, don't say that, it could be wrong" or outright denying my intuition when I know the right thing to say.  Oh, and let's not get into conjugation and politeness.  The walls close in on me and I want to take the first plane back to the States!

I am torn between two worlds.  A world that seems like the world I should have known all my life and want to know for the rest of my life and a world that says, hey, get real.  All in all, I love my other family.  I want to be around them.  I wish I could express to them how I feel about them.  They have accepted me with open arms and a lot of love.  I am so grateful and blessed to have acquired them in my life.  They have never judged my butchering of their language, at least not to my face.  I hope that at least times when I can't find the right words to say they can at least feel what I want to express.  That they could at least see through my actions how honored I feel to be apart of their family.  Well, at least I hope they at least see my as family.

Well, I am much ready to sleep.  Maybe I will entertain you one day with an all Spanish blog.

Peace, love and soul!

From 35,000 feet up!

Greetings.  I am writing my blog today in the air! No, I am not working this flight.  I don’t think I would ever dare whip out a laptop while I was working.  Although I flew with a guy who thought I would think it’s cool to look at porn on his laptop while working.  I was in such shock that I didn’t know what to say to him.  He was a crappy flight attendant and he was eventually fired.  I didn’t say anything to him at the time or to any of my supervisors. 

So, if I’m not at work, what exactly am I doing?  Well, I am on my way to my husband’s cousin’s wedding in Orlando.  He is getting married this weekend.  A lot of people, even my husband’s parents, will be with there.  It will be nice to see everyone as I have not seen everyone in a very long time.   I am really happy that my husband will get to see his family.

I wish I had more time in Orlando.  I would go see Asha.  Maybe I can squeeze that in somehow. 

So, I am a co-creator of my universe (that was random).  It’s something that has been very enlightening for me lately and a bit of a struggle to fully accept.  Even tougher than that at times is to accept that not only am I Divine, but so is everyone else around me save for a few dark entities whom I have not been able to really identify.  For example, just because someone did something bad, does it make that person a dark entity?  I mean, really bad things like murder and rape.  I know my God is an awesome and forgiving God and what he chooses to forgive and who he chooses to have mercy on ain’t much of my business.  Just curious.

Although we are Divine, we are still humans.  Humans make mistakes and that is apart of being human and why we are here.  Wow, I just had a thought.  Does my discomfort with making mistakes and being wrong have to do with me not accepting my humanity?  I have been clinically classified as a perfectionist.  There are things I just won’t start because I know I can’t do them perfectly.  The ironic part about my perfectionism is that I believe everything good and perfect comes from God.  I come from God.  Therefore I am good and perfect.

Here is another ironic aspect to my perfectionism.  I believe that what we see as imperfection is actually perfection because life needs to be balanced.  Balance is the key in life.  Everything should be done with moderation.  You can’t have too much of one thing or life will not be balanced.  I believe the balance of the mind, body, and soul is so essential in our existence and development. 

So, I have said all this and I should say that I am perfect.  Yet the part of me that stops me from starting or finishing constantly clouds what I truly know perfection to be.  If I can’t do it good enough or right, then why do it?  I am too hard on myself.  It’s not even always about big events or huge life decisions.  I am learning to knit right now and I can not begin to tell you how many times I have started, taken the piece and apart completely, and started over again.  I have to get it right; I have to make it perfect.  But how will I ever finish my first project at this point?  When will I start and not look back?  More importantly, when will I start and focus on the race and not the finish line?

Well, that was deep, lol!  Can you type lol in a blog?  Where is the blog rulebook?  Anywuzzle, we are descending into the MCO area.  Latest weather reports are of 60+ degrees Fahrenheit.  We are going to be landing at gate 70.  It’s been our pleasure to have you aboard this Delta flight and we hope we can serve you again in the future. Flight attendants, prepare for landing!

January 4, 2011

I forgot to post last night!! AAAAHHHHH

Oh my goodness!  I can't believe it happened so soon.  I could sit here and beat myself up about it and blame anything from sleep to wine but what will that solve?  What would my post have looked like yesterday anyway?

Well, yesterday was an interesting day.  I spent time with my point the way team again.  It was nice to see them after so long.  Not necessarily nice to get PTW started again.  What is PTW?  Well, back in July I was asked to participate in a focus group that would come together and discuss ways in which we can be more successful as a flight attendants group.  Our guest service ratings went from being best in class to worse in class.  If we don't improve our ratings, we will be in jeopardy of losing our contract with the airline we do business for, Big Mama.  That means that everyone at my company will be out of a job.  No pressure, right?

I initially was not interested in being apart of anything here at this company because well, my company has screwed me and my co-workers over too many times.  However, my supervisor of inflight asked me to be apart of it and hounded me until I did.  So, myself and a group of about 12 flight attendants, were there and we discussed the things we thought would help improve our performance.  We were all asked who would be interested in developing and teaching a course on the issues we discussed.  Although everyone volunteered, they were only interested in the Fish and myself.  I guess they knew we were the only two fools to sign up for such a thing.  

So Fish invited me to live with her family in Fredonia, Wisconsin in order to develop this course.  This made sense because we are commuters and doing this from two separate places would be too difficult and staying in MSP would be too expensive.  After many long days and nights of development and improper pay, we developed an 8 hour training day for the flight attendants which was never good enough for us.  To this day we question whether or not we are being effective.  This program has drained us mentally, physically, financially, and emotionally.  And although the Fish and I are spiritual beings, on some days even our spiritual knowledge seemed not to get us through the day.  I should say though on our feedback forms no ever said the day outright sucked.  In fact, on a scale of 1-5, we average a 4 for the entire program.

I am such a worrywart and PTW has stressed me out so much. I have so much going on in my life right and PTW seems to be all consuming over that.  I know it's a good thing.  I have learned soooo much from being apart of this program.  My soul grows everyday.  I gain so much knowledge about life, people, communication, and love.  I suppose my life here at my airline, which I will call the regional beast (RB), was getting pretty stagnant. I needed something not only to shake me up but my co-workers as well.  I just feel like I didn't shake them hard enough.  And although I could never had done this without my Fish, I am sure if I were given total creative reign over this project it would have been a lot different.

There are others involved.  Moonlight was our project coordinator and well, she is a special one.  She is a bit too emotional for me but she has taught me much as well.   Boots was apart of the focus group and now she is facilitating which is great!  Boots is a strong army woman yet sometimes she fails to use that strength where it really matters.  I hope she dumps that douche bag of hers soon.  Another member of the PTW team is my dear Drake.  I couldn't think of a more fitting name for him.  Without Drake PTW would have lost what little pizzazz it possessed.  It lacked a lot of fun and humor.  He really came in and livened things up.  In the beginning I thought we could do without him.  He is not built for this and he is not qualified.  Boy was I wrong.  I needed him there.  As much as I love my Fish, I needed some fire, rebellion, fun, humor, dirtiness, and homosexuality.  My Fish is a devout Lutheran.  A very open and tolerant on the surface Christian but I know she secretly judges on the inside.  Chica thinks she is gay, not sure about that but she is denying some part of her that she needs to let out. 

Anywho, that is the PTW crew pretty much.  We have had some drama along the way and it is very discouraging.   This company is discouraging.  Every day they make dumb decisions.  They need to be nice to their employees.  I mean, they do some nice shit but I just don't get their disregard for humanity.  I mean, we are human first and then an airline second.  I believe if any company puts humanity first, it will be successful.  I could go on forever about PTW and my company but thus I feel this blog entry has run too long.

I am sure I will find many opportunities to discuss PTW in the future.  I suppose this is what I would have written about yesterday.  So far so good!  

Red red wine

Hello there!  How is it going?  I am feeling a little good right now from this red wine so this one will be short and sweet.  I am in Minneapolis St. Paul, MN for work but I am not technically doing much work.

I miss my husband.  I don't like being away from him like this.  I thought that having these little breaks from my trips would be great for us in the beginning of our marriage (and I know it is) but when I am officially sleeping away from him, I feel like I am missing a huge part of me. I love him so much.  He is sooo right for me.  I would be a fool to ever question it.  I know he is good for my soul.  He is so great.  I hope he gets everything he ever wants and needs in life. I want so much from him.  I hope that he wants that much and more for himself.

I know that he feels the same for me.  In fact, I should probably be eating my words.  I can not tell you how many times a day my husband tells me I am beautiful, cute, and sexy (he believes in the power of repetition).  My instinctive response is to say nope (I too believe in the power of repetition).  Why do I always do that? My insecurity is the answer.  Damnit Fish!  My Fish just gave me the answer.  I am with her now doing this PTW stuff.  Anywuzzle, what is my problem?  I need to get over myself.  I refuse to accept these things as if it makes me seem vain or something.  But what consequence will I face from accepting these things about me or just simply saying thank you?  The beauty police will come out immediately and fine both my husband and I for our transgressions...

My Fish really helped me out today.  She ministered to me.  I am not sure if she is aware of her powers but she is a powerful being sent here from Heaven to help many lives. As am I.  When will we truly let go of ourselves and embrace our path.  Who knows?  We are in our 20s and it's hard to see past them.

Anywho, I am sure there is much more I can type but I don't want to drag this out too long.   I was thinking about how I committed to blogging everyday this year but I don't want to limit myself to one entry a day.  I am adding the ability to blog more than once in one day to my blogging commitment. I think it will be good for me.  Especially since my life seems to change so much in one day.  I have so many topics I want to discuss here and talking about how my day went everyday isn't necessarily one of them. Gonne hit the sack soon.  Don't have to wake up early tomorrow but I would like to talk to my husband for a spell.  Have good sleepies!

=)

Vanilla Ice Cream with Baileys and Milk

A glass of that is how I ended my evening today.  I had a nice day. Stress free.  I didn't really day dream much either which is an issue I have been dealing with lately.  I spent the entire day with my husband which is great!  Especially since I have to fly out tomorrow.  We had a nice day together.  We had some mind blowing sex earlier which really got me in a relaxed state of mind.  We just got done with dinner and a movie at home.

We spent the afternoon at my mother's house watching the football game.  Now let me tell you, it's been a long time since we have all been together in one place.  We all being my parents (mommy and Pep), grandma, all the siblings, all the grands, and the spouses (just gonna include the Wiccan in that one even though she is only my brother's girlfriend and the mother of his children).  There was no tension.  No fights.  No looks out the corner of anyone's eye.  No whispering.  It was really nice.  In fact, I even had a quality moment with my mommy teaching me how to knit.  It was grand!  Now, it's not as if my family argues or fights all the time.  I mean, every family has it's drama and mine definitely has it's share.  It was just nice to get together and just be.

I ate shrimp today which wouldn't be that big of a story except for the fact that I am a LACTO-OVO-VEGETARIAN!!!!  Ugh, what was I thinking?  Well, aside from thinking, "damn, this shrimp is gonna taste soooo effin' good,"  I think I just wanted to pig out and eat away some of the stress I have been having lately.  Look for a future blog about me and food.  Anywho, the shrimp was as tasty as I thought it would be and it didn't do anything for my stress.  I hope it will be a while before I eat that again.

I have to fly out tomorrow for work.  Well, technically I won't be doing much work tomorrow but I will be getting paid for such.  Work lately for me has been interesting.  I feel so much pressure from it.   I should tell you that I am a flight attendant for a regional airline.  Cool job, right? It is on some days.  On other days it just feels like work.  But that isn't where the pressure comes in.  It's this guest service/teamwork/leadership/conflict resolution training session that I developed and teach along with my friend Fish to my fellow co-workers.  Of course Fish is not her real name but that is what I call her.  This thing has us wired on some days.  Wow, I can feel the pain in my neck develop as I type this.  Gross. Well, enough of that.  Just gonna do some PTW R&R for the next couple of days and then off to a wedding.

I guess this entry wasn't so bloggish but whatever, I am buzzing.  And I promise you that I buzz a lot more interestingly than this, lol!

Peace and chicken grease!

Anything, Everything, and Nothing

I should initiate this blog thing properly...

One score and six years ago, my young mother brought forth on this continent a new baby, conceived out of desperation and a few minutes of pleasure (not sure if the few minutes thing is a fact but I kinda don't want to find out), and dedicated to the proposition that perhaps you can trap a man into loving you by having his children...

Wait, wait...that was a tad bit disrespectful.  I thought about erasing it but what the hell.  It's my blog, right??  I can say whatever I want here, right?  So there! I said it.  But just to clarify a few things, my mother and father did love each other at some point (I am the third of four children they have together and they have been separated for over 24 years now).  Their souls were brought together for many reasons and helping my soul, and those of my siblings, to enter this world was one of them.  I respect and love both of my parents even though they both have disappointed me in many areas.  Not just in ways that affect my life but theirs.  Now back to my epic introduction

Now at this time in my life I am engaged in a great civil war, not just within myself but within my human family, testing wether or not my soul and the souls of all who walk this earth can endure.  I find myself on a great battle-field of many lifetimes given to my soul before.  I am dedicating this lifetime to all those lives so that my soul might finally find it's resting place.  It just makes sense to me at this point in my life.

But, on a grander scale, I can not disregard, feel ashamed, lose sight, or be upset about my past any longer.  Nor can I continue to reject my now, this moment, or my heart any longer.  Only the bravest of souls have chosen to come to the school of hardknocks: Planet Earth!  I am one of those brave souls thus I am divine.  It is with me, then, to fulfill my purpose and to take ownership of the task laying before me.  

Ok, so that was a bit dramatic and maybe I lost some of you on the whole planet earth thing.  That speech (thanks Abe) is hardly the reason I am starting this blog.  Right now I am sitting next to my husband (also starting a blog) and I am reminded of how we would talk for hours about anything, everything, and nothing.  Well, that is what this blog is about.  Just another soul trying to find my place and learn the lessons I am here to learn.  I don't take myself seriously all the time.  I am going to rant and rave, love and hate, bitch and moan, smile and vomit, and laugh and dance.  I don't like labels or limits.  I just want to write.  I wanted to sit and here and make a commitment to blog everyday but my fear holds me from it.  So, fuck you fear!  Gonna do it anyway.  365 entries for 2011.  

So, what else?  Oh, well my job takes me on the road...well, mostly in the air.  I meet all sorts of interesting people. I see hundreds of new faces every month.  I have the power to change life experiences for people 76 lives at a time.  Now I hear Peter Parker's uncle in my ear.  (Geeky reference...keep up).  With great power comes great responsibility.

Ciao for now!