It's been a while since I've blogged about my really cool job as a flight attendant. So much has transpired since then. In January, I took a job as a part time ground instructor. I love being in a classroom as much as I love flying. I've been able to incorporate both of my loves this year and I'm really happy!
There's just one little snag. You would think that taking a training position to train flight attendants how to be flight attendants would increase my pay. Sadly, it's been a terrible decrease. I am making anywhere from 50%-70% of what I made just from flying. It's been kinda hard these past couple of months but that is partly due to my limited mind and my company. Today my company had an opportunity to pay us more money, nothing bank breaking. Just a small stipend of what industry leading flight attendants deserve.
My airline has been number one for guest service, safety, and on time flights for quite some time yet we are paid at the bottom of the barrel as far as regionals are concerned. Regional airlines are the backbone of aviation in this country yet we get treated like shit.
I am considering resigning from the training department. Not being pretentious but I have personally done a lot to make my company shine. Myself and the Fish are the reason why my airline went from being at the bottom to being at the top. We didn't do it all on our own. It was a team effort on the part of the flight attendants to make us number one. The Fish and I simply created the program used to get the flight attendants in order. We've yet to be properly compensated for our efforts.
We haven't asked for anything. We are proud of our coworkers for stepping up and they too have not been shown appreciation for their efforts. We don't get treated like we're number one.
How is this created? How have I contributed to the creation of this treatment? I value what I bring to my job though I'm admittedly modest about my performance. I deserve to be treated better; To be happy in my career and financially rewarded for my hard work. Work that I'm not doing right now due to turbulence. Heaven help us.
This entire time I've been waiting for them to decide (as I type this it seems waiting on them may have been my error) I have done nothing but have faith that they would make the right decision. There is more to learn about power and creation yet. Sigh... I love my balanced job now of flying and teaching. I don't want to give it up. What to do? I should pray on this.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Why did I dislike feeling good for so long?
Pleasure. It makes me feel alive. Feeling good makes me feel alive. My friends make me feel alive. Love makes me feel alive. I fear getting accustomed to it; it is not safe. Because it can be torn away. Or I'll experience hurt when I don't receive it. I tell myself quite often, don't have too much fun. Don't enjoy this. Don't be here in this moment because it feels good. What will happen if I let go? Nothing that I didn't create. The point is to let go and let god. Trust to hope.
My Injury Full Circle
It's time to ask some hard hitting questions. I have worked through some of this with CIC but I've yet to write it down. I am lying in bed now feeling pain that I haven't felt in almost a year. This pain is related to my injury. I have a choice right now. I can choose to lie here in my mess and apparent misery or I can get up and push through.
Why did I get injured? The word injured makes it sound so outside of me as if provoked by an outside force and not my own creation. Sometimes we cause our own injuries. Well, I suppose in some sense all injuries are of our doing as we are co-creators with the divine universe. This makes me think of CIC's reasoning as I don't have the literal power to control air turbulence. What CIC fails to see at times is all we have to do is specifically ask and we shall receive. That's an entirely different topic though. So, I have to ask the right question. Why did I injure myself?
I am hurt by what I did to myself and what I did literally caused me pain. I have had issues with guilt my entire life. I have let it order my steps in many ways. Part of my battle in accepting responsibility for all that has happened in my life is due to feelings of guilt and the punishment that goes with it. My lessons say to avoid confusing this with blame. It's a dangerous thing to live your life feeling guilty about everything you do "wrong" but to add to it the fact that the root of it really is your doing is overwhelming for someone such as myself. I have been afraid of addressing the issues. I am afraid of losing things, punishment, and failure. I fear what the truth really has is store for me. Thus it is the truth that I should seek.
Why did I injure myself? Why did I choose turbulence as the means to get it done? Why did I have to bring my job and money into this? If I wouldn't have been injured, what would be different? What did I learn from that time? What transpired? So much. I have to tackle one question at a time. On a side note I just discovered while lying here that this is what I wanted from the universe. I wanted to only have to deal with one problem at a time and now I have the opportunity since I'm not working.
Why did I injure myself? That's the one question I have cried about. The one I've avoided actually answering. I read a quote that said something about having to be shaken up in order to wake up. I initially thought my turbulence injury was to slow me down as I was taking on so much. I am sure that is an element of it. There are many elements to what happened. I injured myself for many reasons, some of which I haven't discovered until recently.
One of those reasons that I only discovered recently was that this reminds me of true depression. Am I going to decide to abandon what depression has to offer? It's a dark and easy experience. One I am quite familiar with and was quite accustomed to for a period of time. In choosing to live I am also choosing to never go to those dark places again. Luis brought up an interesting element to this as well. He asked me, what was going on right before the incident or around this this? He made me remember how I wanted to kill myself several times and that one time in particular I mocked my god for not being able to divinely intervene as he had so many times in the past.
Yet this time, Luis was there when he should not have been. It was a miracle. We both experienced God's wonder that day. His mercy. His grace. His love. I am grateful to be alive. My injury showed me a pain I'd never felt before and that pain caused the same side effects of depression. I don't want that in my life and I don't need it. I get it. Let's move on.
So I injured myself to put the ball in my court as far as depression and suicide are concerned. The reason to live is because god wants me to because we have s contract of love. An eternal agreement. I want to live. In wanting to live I want everything that comes with it. Perhaps we can negotiate some things...
Why did I choose turbulence as the means to get it done? Well, as I shared with CIC I rarely do anything small. I don't like drama but I do like flare. This event seemed outside of anything I think I could create. There is an incredibly stubborn part of me. My ego has a hard time paying attention. Turbulence was a loud shout out. HHELLOO!!!! Wake up bitch! I had been crying out for so long for relief. The turbulence was jolting enough for me to find the answers I sought.
Why did I have to bring my job and money into this? That probably was the suckiest part and it still is. Talk about repeating patterns. I no longer want to live from pay check to pay check. Knowing that god is taking care of me is great and relevant but god also knows that I want more for myself. I no longer will make decisions that are against the believe and knowledge of my financial abundance. I have some fucked up mental road block about amassing wealth and living beyond my means. God wants me to be wealthy. Do I want it for myself? Yes. Have I acted in such a way? No. Well, I discreate those elements of who I thought myself to be.
If I wouldn't have been injured, what would be different? Holy moly. That's a big one. I am in talks if divorce with my husband. In reading my blogs I see do many ups and downs in my relationship with him. Being with Luis right now bothers me. Being alone scares the shit out of me. I can put up with being bothered so that's what I do. It's totally not his doing of course. He is an amazing soul and I'm grateful for all that he has shared with me. It's time to let each other go and that is saddening. I don't know where our paths will lead us but it's what we need as all things are in divine order.
That being said, it was during my injury that I saw more us. This was the most time we had been around each other and it was revealing too much. Not only was I injured but I was seeing more of the person I truly married and more of myself. It was eye opening. How would things have gone if I didn't have that time with him? I was not pleased with our circumstances yet I probably would have dragged things on further.
I love my job. I knew that I did but I missed flying so much. Yes, we all have days at work when we would rather be somewhere else but the truth is that I am me up there. I love to fly. That's why I love running because your feet are airborne more than they are on the ground. Why have I suspended my two loves? Flying and running are sources of my joy. I am choosing me and that means to fly and run. Since my ego is afraid if fraking shit up, it would rather go with the certainty of injury and depression. My dearest ego. Do know fear that of which requires love, strength, power, hard work, and perseverance to achieve what we both ultimately want. These things are good for us. We no longer have to fear feeling alive. It won't be taken away from you like other things you felt you have lost. All is in divine order.
What did I learn from that time? It's been over a year since my injury. There must have been some other elements of this soul lesson I still needed to take in. I have learned about repeating patterns in my life. I don't like to go in circles. It annoys me. Yet it was at this time I have seen myself going in so many circles around the same issues. Circles are necessary sometimes so that you may have a 360 degree view of whatever is in the middle. Life is layered like an onion. I am better about going in circles than I use to be because I see the benefits. Yet they still annoy me.
I have many repeating patterns. I move around a lot. Especially when things start to root. I am free bird. I have always known this. I soar. I don't want to be the tree, the roots, the branches, or the nest. I want to be the bird that can come to the tree as it pleases or when it's necessary. I suppose I wouldn't mind having a tree. A tree that's always there. I suppose I could too have a nest. It won't kill me. I don't have to be afraid of it. As long as the branch doesn't mind my need to fly big it does, than I must fund a new branch.
What transpired? Infidelity. There goes my guilt again. Scolding me and hoping to punish me. So where's the line? If everything is in divine order, that means some of the things that appear fucked up on the surface are meant to be. I suppose it's like making a blanket. There are many different styles and fabrics, sizes and methods. If you're goal is to make a blanket and you send that desire into the universe, there's no telling how this blanket will come about. Yes, each element involved in the blanket is important and symbolic. We get it how we need it. The ways in which we get this blanket are not always seen as apart of the soul lesson but it's all in divine order.
I am receiving many soul lessons right Where is the line to right and wrong? I'm not sure there is one anymore. And if there is, by who's right and wrong do I live by? Certainly no one on this earth plane yet we have no right to hurt the feelings of others. We are also not responsible for someone's feelings. While watching Battle Star Gallactica, there was something the old man said that changed my thinking. I have to do things I can live with. Not that I'd off myself by stepping outside of my standards but my standards have to exist for me. I know who I am and what I stand for. I have to able to live with myself thus do things that don't keep me up at night.
Am I but I tool in the soul lesson of the betrayed? We do work as instruments in the lessons of others. It's tough to be on this side. To know the truth about things. To be aware. To know when you are but a rook or knight in someone else's chess game. What kind of contracts are these? I have tried to break my contract with CIC unsuccessfully. I am pulled to him. A fly to a light. Opposite ends of magnetic poles. Or as Miss Steele says it, Icarus flying too close to the sun.
I have fulfilled many contracts in my life. They seem to get more severe and complicated as I get older. I am grateful. How then do I choose to live knowing this that I know? It's frightening indeed to know how life really works but thus is my advantage revealed. I have discovered how powerful I really am and right now my fear of this power has me lying in bed in pain. As I crack my neck.
I am sure other methods could have been taken so why were these chosen? It's hard to see the big picture while painting, Tracie. God gave me the canvas and the paint. I am such a perfectionist that I fear washing the canvas and painting a different picture. I must paint the picture and ask god what does he think. Or I must close my eyes and trust the strokes of my hand by praying for god to order my steps. He has proven to me time and time again that I order my steps and he just lays the path in front of me.
Well, I feel a lot better. I am going to get up now.
Why did I get injured? The word injured makes it sound so outside of me as if provoked by an outside force and not my own creation. Sometimes we cause our own injuries. Well, I suppose in some sense all injuries are of our doing as we are co-creators with the divine universe. This makes me think of CIC's reasoning as I don't have the literal power to control air turbulence. What CIC fails to see at times is all we have to do is specifically ask and we shall receive. That's an entirely different topic though. So, I have to ask the right question. Why did I injure myself?
I am hurt by what I did to myself and what I did literally caused me pain. I have had issues with guilt my entire life. I have let it order my steps in many ways. Part of my battle in accepting responsibility for all that has happened in my life is due to feelings of guilt and the punishment that goes with it. My lessons say to avoid confusing this with blame. It's a dangerous thing to live your life feeling guilty about everything you do "wrong" but to add to it the fact that the root of it really is your doing is overwhelming for someone such as myself. I have been afraid of addressing the issues. I am afraid of losing things, punishment, and failure. I fear what the truth really has is store for me. Thus it is the truth that I should seek.
Why did I injure myself? Why did I choose turbulence as the means to get it done? Why did I have to bring my job and money into this? If I wouldn't have been injured, what would be different? What did I learn from that time? What transpired? So much. I have to tackle one question at a time. On a side note I just discovered while lying here that this is what I wanted from the universe. I wanted to only have to deal with one problem at a time and now I have the opportunity since I'm not working.
Why did I injure myself? That's the one question I have cried about. The one I've avoided actually answering. I read a quote that said something about having to be shaken up in order to wake up. I initially thought my turbulence injury was to slow me down as I was taking on so much. I am sure that is an element of it. There are many elements to what happened. I injured myself for many reasons, some of which I haven't discovered until recently.
One of those reasons that I only discovered recently was that this reminds me of true depression. Am I going to decide to abandon what depression has to offer? It's a dark and easy experience. One I am quite familiar with and was quite accustomed to for a period of time. In choosing to live I am also choosing to never go to those dark places again. Luis brought up an interesting element to this as well. He asked me, what was going on right before the incident or around this this? He made me remember how I wanted to kill myself several times and that one time in particular I mocked my god for not being able to divinely intervene as he had so many times in the past.
Yet this time, Luis was there when he should not have been. It was a miracle. We both experienced God's wonder that day. His mercy. His grace. His love. I am grateful to be alive. My injury showed me a pain I'd never felt before and that pain caused the same side effects of depression. I don't want that in my life and I don't need it. I get it. Let's move on.
So I injured myself to put the ball in my court as far as depression and suicide are concerned. The reason to live is because god wants me to because we have s contract of love. An eternal agreement. I want to live. In wanting to live I want everything that comes with it. Perhaps we can negotiate some things...
Why did I choose turbulence as the means to get it done? Well, as I shared with CIC I rarely do anything small. I don't like drama but I do like flare. This event seemed outside of anything I think I could create. There is an incredibly stubborn part of me. My ego has a hard time paying attention. Turbulence was a loud shout out. HHELLOO!!!! Wake up bitch! I had been crying out for so long for relief. The turbulence was jolting enough for me to find the answers I sought.
Why did I have to bring my job and money into this? That probably was the suckiest part and it still is. Talk about repeating patterns. I no longer want to live from pay check to pay check. Knowing that god is taking care of me is great and relevant but god also knows that I want more for myself. I no longer will make decisions that are against the believe and knowledge of my financial abundance. I have some fucked up mental road block about amassing wealth and living beyond my means. God wants me to be wealthy. Do I want it for myself? Yes. Have I acted in such a way? No. Well, I discreate those elements of who I thought myself to be.
If I wouldn't have been injured, what would be different? Holy moly. That's a big one. I am in talks if divorce with my husband. In reading my blogs I see do many ups and downs in my relationship with him. Being with Luis right now bothers me. Being alone scares the shit out of me. I can put up with being bothered so that's what I do. It's totally not his doing of course. He is an amazing soul and I'm grateful for all that he has shared with me. It's time to let each other go and that is saddening. I don't know where our paths will lead us but it's what we need as all things are in divine order.
That being said, it was during my injury that I saw more us. This was the most time we had been around each other and it was revealing too much. Not only was I injured but I was seeing more of the person I truly married and more of myself. It was eye opening. How would things have gone if I didn't have that time with him? I was not pleased with our circumstances yet I probably would have dragged things on further.
I love my job. I knew that I did but I missed flying so much. Yes, we all have days at work when we would rather be somewhere else but the truth is that I am me up there. I love to fly. That's why I love running because your feet are airborne more than they are on the ground. Why have I suspended my two loves? Flying and running are sources of my joy. I am choosing me and that means to fly and run. Since my ego is afraid if fraking shit up, it would rather go with the certainty of injury and depression. My dearest ego. Do know fear that of which requires love, strength, power, hard work, and perseverance to achieve what we both ultimately want. These things are good for us. We no longer have to fear feeling alive. It won't be taken away from you like other things you felt you have lost. All is in divine order.
What did I learn from that time? It's been over a year since my injury. There must have been some other elements of this soul lesson I still needed to take in. I have learned about repeating patterns in my life. I don't like to go in circles. It annoys me. Yet it was at this time I have seen myself going in so many circles around the same issues. Circles are necessary sometimes so that you may have a 360 degree view of whatever is in the middle. Life is layered like an onion. I am better about going in circles than I use to be because I see the benefits. Yet they still annoy me.
I have many repeating patterns. I move around a lot. Especially when things start to root. I am free bird. I have always known this. I soar. I don't want to be the tree, the roots, the branches, or the nest. I want to be the bird that can come to the tree as it pleases or when it's necessary. I suppose I wouldn't mind having a tree. A tree that's always there. I suppose I could too have a nest. It won't kill me. I don't have to be afraid of it. As long as the branch doesn't mind my need to fly big it does, than I must fund a new branch.
What transpired? Infidelity. There goes my guilt again. Scolding me and hoping to punish me. So where's the line? If everything is in divine order, that means some of the things that appear fucked up on the surface are meant to be. I suppose it's like making a blanket. There are many different styles and fabrics, sizes and methods. If you're goal is to make a blanket and you send that desire into the universe, there's no telling how this blanket will come about. Yes, each element involved in the blanket is important and symbolic. We get it how we need it. The ways in which we get this blanket are not always seen as apart of the soul lesson but it's all in divine order.
I am receiving many soul lessons right Where is the line to right and wrong? I'm not sure there is one anymore. And if there is, by who's right and wrong do I live by? Certainly no one on this earth plane yet we have no right to hurt the feelings of others. We are also not responsible for someone's feelings. While watching Battle Star Gallactica, there was something the old man said that changed my thinking. I have to do things I can live with. Not that I'd off myself by stepping outside of my standards but my standards have to exist for me. I know who I am and what I stand for. I have to able to live with myself thus do things that don't keep me up at night.
Am I but I tool in the soul lesson of the betrayed? We do work as instruments in the lessons of others. It's tough to be on this side. To know the truth about things. To be aware. To know when you are but a rook or knight in someone else's chess game. What kind of contracts are these? I have tried to break my contract with CIC unsuccessfully. I am pulled to him. A fly to a light. Opposite ends of magnetic poles. Or as Miss Steele says it, Icarus flying too close to the sun.
I have fulfilled many contracts in my life. They seem to get more severe and complicated as I get older. I am grateful. How then do I choose to live knowing this that I know? It's frightening indeed to know how life really works but thus is my advantage revealed. I have discovered how powerful I really am and right now my fear of this power has me lying in bed in pain. As I crack my neck.
I am sure other methods could have been taken so why were these chosen? It's hard to see the big picture while painting, Tracie. God gave me the canvas and the paint. I am such a perfectionist that I fear washing the canvas and painting a different picture. I must paint the picture and ask god what does he think. Or I must close my eyes and trust the strokes of my hand by praying for god to order my steps. He has proven to me time and time again that I order my steps and he just lays the path in front of me.
Well, I feel a lot better. I am going to get up now.
Friday, June 15, 2012
The Daily Truth
The first time I began to write this blog it was filled with negativity. I am going to write the complete opposite of that which I had written in order to discreate the negative and reaffirm the positive.
I am above this. I am the me I am meant to be. I am in this moment right now. I am responsible. I am healthy. I am an athlete. I am timely. I am careful. I run to love. I run for fun. I am healed. I embrace my gifts. I love my job. I am a great friend, sister, aunt, daughter, granddaughter, niece, goddaughter, mother (Onyxia), flight attendant, student, and teacher. I am in empath. I am intuitive. I drive therefore I am driven. I have always been a beautiful divine child of god. I am a vegetarian. I am organic.
I see the soul lesson in all things and enact the necessary change in my life. I am spiritually sound. I am more than enough. I have abundance. I have the eternal love of god inside of me and he is the source of my power and strength.
No regrets. All is in divine order.
I am above this. I am the me I am meant to be. I am in this moment right now. I am responsible. I am healthy. I am an athlete. I am timely. I am careful. I run to love. I run for fun. I am healed. I embrace my gifts. I love my job. I am a great friend, sister, aunt, daughter, granddaughter, niece, goddaughter, mother (Onyxia), flight attendant, student, and teacher. I am in empath. I am intuitive. I drive therefore I am driven. I have always been a beautiful divine child of god. I am a vegetarian. I am organic.
I see the soul lesson in all things and enact the necessary change in my life. I am spiritually sound. I am more than enough. I have abundance. I have the eternal love of god inside of me and he is the source of my power and strength.
No regrets. All is in divine order.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Sleepless in Bloomington...
I'm up late again. I didn't sleep last night. I am afraid to wake up the next day and fail all over again. I am so close to me that it scares me. Heaven help me. Angels watch over me. White light of the holy spirit surround and protect me. Spirit guides, make yourself known to me. All I want now is Peace. Calm. Healing. Forgiveness. Joy. Love. Beauty. Good Food. Loving Friends and Family. Wealth. Health. Strength. Power. Endurance. Fitness. Travel. And most importantly, SLEEP!!!!!
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
I'm So Gone From This Crown Royal On Ice
Warning!!! This blog is pretty intense...not in is spiritual sense. More like scandal and sex... If you can't leave your judgment here, turn back now.
I have to blog about a couple of songs that are running through my mind lately. I suppose I could write about these songs but instead I'll just leave the lyrics. In the mean time, why don't you youtube the song while you read along...
Crown Royal (On Ice)
Your hands on my hips pull me right back to you
I catch that thrust give it right back to you
You're in so deep I'm breathing for you
You grab my braids arch my back high for you
Your diesel engine, I'm squirting mad oil
All down on the floor 'til my speaker starts to boil
I flip shit, quick slip, hip dip, and I'm twisted
In your hands and your lips and your tongue tricks
And you're so thick and you're so thick
And you're so Crown Royal on ice
Have you ever had Crown Royal on ice? I haven't had the actual drink but this other shit that Ms. Scott is describing, I have had and I must say, I might be an alcoholic (just a metaphor folks). I've been sober for a few weeks. My sobriety is in question, is in danger. Why is it in jeopardy. Well, the next song seems to explain that...
So Gone (What My Mind Says)
You're gonna hear the pages turn.
Let me take my Gazelle's off
Don't want this thing, but can't let go
Even though, I need it so
Your arms they soothe me
But I ain't no game
I ain't no toy
I ain't just brain.
This ain't no movie mane...
I'm a real woman
Been down this road before
I just need more
Why does my body ignore what my mind says?
I try to keep it intact, but I'm here in this bed.
I need to... listen, listen...
Emotions deep down inside of me
I'm trying to hide, but they keep finding me
I want to lay low, but continuously you do
Unh, unh, unh
All the right things
So sweet to me
What do I do?
Why does my body ignore what my mind says?
I try to keep it intact, but I'm here in this bed.
I need to... damn
Why does my body ignore what my mind says?
I try to keep it intact but I'm here in this bed.
Again, I'm scared... Again
And a little Paul Wall....Mmmmm
You got that ocean of soul
Baby you super thick
And I'm the man of steel with skills
Call me Super Dick
I got that technique that keeps you cummin back to back
And I know you feel it all in your stomach whenever you arch your back
I'm a pull yo hair; I know you love that
When I maneuver this tongue, your eyes roll back
I work them side angles; I'm a Kama Sutra pro
Kitchen table down to the flo
Ass in the air while you biting that pillow
Girl you know how I chop and screw
That's what a diamond chip dick do
That's what a diamond chip dick do
Oh my mind says, and my body says something different
Why does my body ignore what my mind says?
I try to keep it intact, but I'm here in this bed.
Again.
He got that thickness, the kind that make you get up makin biscuits with
Breakfast, so gone
Why does my body ignore what my mind says?
I try to keep it intact but I'm here in this bed.
Well. Gone, gone, gone... I'm scared of this love.
He got that thickness, the kind that make you get up makin biscuits with
Breakfast, so gone
And I ain't even thinkin bout the next chick that he mess
with... so Reckless, so gone
And there you have it folks. I'm so gone. To the point where the last line describes exactly my mentality. I have issues. I am just acknowledging a feeling that I have. I am just expressing some shit I'm going through. It made me ask myself, what is my mind telling me to do? My mind has made many attempts to stop my behavior while my body on the other hand feels a sickness without it. It's so different this time. My world isn't riding on it. I can go on without it but (yes, there's a but) I don't want to. My mind says I'll be fine. My feelings say I want more. It's a very confusing time. What am I more afraid of? With it or without it? With it....
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Ego? Soul? When is it enough?
I knew that I stressed about things. I knew I was a bit of a worry wart. I knew that when I was panicking I would physically experience certain debilitating symptoms. Last night this happened to me. I saw my stomach swell up like a balloon in less than ten minutes. I started having hot flashes. My stomach acids started to go crazy. I became dizzy and my neck felt like turbulence. I could have passed out or something. I am tired of feeling that way.
I don't know what's good for me right now as far as relationships are concerned. I feel as if I have to accommodate others because maybe they know something I don't. The truth is that only god and myself know what is best for me. I am not relishing in what should be a flattering time in my life. Two men say they are in love with me. One is married with complications. The other I am married to with complications.
I suppose I like some of the benefits of being desired yet I still don't want someone 24/7. I want to be on my own for a while. I need it. I need space to be me and that doesn't leave room for the needs of others. I feel like I have to accommodate one person's feelings over the others. Someone is going to get their feelings hurt. I can not commit to one person. I would think these two individuals are intelligent and self loving enough to see that they deserve someone willing to commit to them. That is not me. And I am not into piss matches. Neither do I want to be convinced into choosing. So some man thinks he has what I need in life and love? That he's the one who will show me what love is really like. Men are all the same.
I am tired of saying it and not living it: I want to be alone right now. Self sacrifice is over right now. Either take the little I have to give or don't get anything at all. I would rather at this very moment free up all the space occupied by noise right now. Why is it that people who actually want love in their life don't get it and I have too much of it? That doesn't make sense to me.
I have some fears. I am afraid to love my husband romantically. I am working on releasing things but I can not do that while I'm with him. Besides that, I am not into the way he lives right now. Hell, honestly I don't think I could live with anyone right now. I really do need my own space. The truth is that I don't think we're compatible and we never have been. I don't think you have to make things work. Things should just work. I am reaching too far outside of myself to be with him.
Yet being with him did feel easy. He understands me in a way like no other. I never felt pressure in the beginning. He opened up parts of me that I am grateful for. Right now I doubt that I could get excited about him the way that I use to. I feel shitty because he is an amazing human being and a great man. Just not the man for me. How do I let him go and accept hurting him? Especially when I appear to be the only one he has here.
CIC is another story. His only problem is that he's married. Seriously. Oh, that and the fact that I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH ANYONE RIGHT NOW. Get at me in ten years. Ok. Maybe that's not his only problem. It's weird how the universe has packaged this man. He's my type. I say I don't want to be with anyone and then he shows up. I will not take this as a challenge. I do not need to prove anything right now.
I can't seem to walk away from him. I normally can put the ice cream down but there's something drawing me to him that makes me uncomfortable. And by uncomfortable I mean shit gets real still. An uncomfortable ease. A bit of unnerving peace. I am not into that right now. I don't want love right now. Is that so hard to understand. I want me. I choose me. I'm sorry folks but that's my choice. And me doesn't come with commitment, rules, accommodations, and consistency. I need to learn how to say no and I'm starting today. I am done doing what I feel will be best for others. That has only ended me up right here. I don't like being here. That is all.
I don't know what's good for me right now as far as relationships are concerned. I feel as if I have to accommodate others because maybe they know something I don't. The truth is that only god and myself know what is best for me. I am not relishing in what should be a flattering time in my life. Two men say they are in love with me. One is married with complications. The other I am married to with complications.
I suppose I like some of the benefits of being desired yet I still don't want someone 24/7. I want to be on my own for a while. I need it. I need space to be me and that doesn't leave room for the needs of others. I feel like I have to accommodate one person's feelings over the others. Someone is going to get their feelings hurt. I can not commit to one person. I would think these two individuals are intelligent and self loving enough to see that they deserve someone willing to commit to them. That is not me. And I am not into piss matches. Neither do I want to be convinced into choosing. So some man thinks he has what I need in life and love? That he's the one who will show me what love is really like. Men are all the same.
I am tired of saying it and not living it: I want to be alone right now. Self sacrifice is over right now. Either take the little I have to give or don't get anything at all. I would rather at this very moment free up all the space occupied by noise right now. Why is it that people who actually want love in their life don't get it and I have too much of it? That doesn't make sense to me.
I have some fears. I am afraid to love my husband romantically. I am working on releasing things but I can not do that while I'm with him. Besides that, I am not into the way he lives right now. Hell, honestly I don't think I could live with anyone right now. I really do need my own space. The truth is that I don't think we're compatible and we never have been. I don't think you have to make things work. Things should just work. I am reaching too far outside of myself to be with him.
Yet being with him did feel easy. He understands me in a way like no other. I never felt pressure in the beginning. He opened up parts of me that I am grateful for. Right now I doubt that I could get excited about him the way that I use to. I feel shitty because he is an amazing human being and a great man. Just not the man for me. How do I let him go and accept hurting him? Especially when I appear to be the only one he has here.
CIC is another story. His only problem is that he's married. Seriously. Oh, that and the fact that I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH ANYONE RIGHT NOW. Get at me in ten years. Ok. Maybe that's not his only problem. It's weird how the universe has packaged this man. He's my type. I say I don't want to be with anyone and then he shows up. I will not take this as a challenge. I do not need to prove anything right now.
I can't seem to walk away from him. I normally can put the ice cream down but there's something drawing me to him that makes me uncomfortable. And by uncomfortable I mean shit gets real still. An uncomfortable ease. A bit of unnerving peace. I am not into that right now. I don't want love right now. Is that so hard to understand. I want me. I choose me. I'm sorry folks but that's my choice. And me doesn't come with commitment, rules, accommodations, and consistency. I need to learn how to say no and I'm starting today. I am done doing what I feel will be best for others. That has only ended me up right here. I don't like being here. That is all.
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