I knew that I stressed about things. I knew I was a bit of a worry wart. I knew that when I was panicking I would physically experience certain debilitating symptoms. Last night this happened to me. I saw my stomach swell up like a balloon in less than ten minutes. I started having hot flashes. My stomach acids started to go crazy. I became dizzy and my neck felt like turbulence. I could have passed out or something. I am tired of feeling that way.
I don't know what's good for me right now as far as relationships are concerned. I feel as if I have to accommodate others because maybe they know something I don't. The truth is that only god and myself know what is best for me. I am not relishing in what should be a flattering time in my life. Two men say they are in love with me. One is married with complications. The other I am married to with complications.
I suppose I like some of the benefits of being desired yet I still don't want someone 24/7. I want to be on my own for a while. I need it. I need space to be me and that doesn't leave room for the needs of others. I feel like I have to accommodate one person's feelings over the others. Someone is going to get their feelings hurt. I can not commit to one person. I would think these two individuals are intelligent and self loving enough to see that they deserve someone willing to commit to them. That is not me. And I am not into piss matches. Neither do I want to be convinced into choosing. So some man thinks he has what I need in life and love? That he's the one who will show me what love is really like. Men are all the same.
I am tired of saying it and not living it: I want to be alone right now. Self sacrifice is over right now. Either take the little I have to give or don't get anything at all. I would rather at this very moment free up all the space occupied by noise right now. Why is it that people who actually want love in their life don't get it and I have too much of it? That doesn't make sense to me.
I have some fears. I am afraid to love my husband romantically. I am working on releasing things but I can not do that while I'm with him. Besides that, I am not into the way he lives right now. Hell, honestly I don't think I could live with anyone right now. I really do need my own space. The truth is that I don't think we're compatible and we never have been. I don't think you have to make things work. Things should just work. I am reaching too far outside of myself to be with him.
Yet being with him did feel easy. He understands me in a way like no other. I never felt pressure in the beginning. He opened up parts of me that I am grateful for. Right now I doubt that I could get excited about him the way that I use to. I feel shitty because he is an amazing human being and a great man. Just not the man for me. How do I let him go and accept hurting him? Especially when I appear to be the only one he has here.
CIC is another story. His only problem is that he's married. Seriously. Oh, that and the fact that I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH ANYONE RIGHT NOW. Get at me in ten years. Ok. Maybe that's not his only problem. It's weird how the universe has packaged this man. He's my type. I say I don't want to be with anyone and then he shows up. I will not take this as a challenge. I do not need to prove anything right now.
I can't seem to walk away from him. I normally can put the ice cream down but there's something drawing me to him that makes me uncomfortable. And by uncomfortable I mean shit gets real still. An uncomfortable ease. A bit of unnerving peace. I am not into that right now. I don't want love right now. Is that so hard to understand. I want me. I choose me. I'm sorry folks but that's my choice. And me doesn't come with commitment, rules, accommodations, and consistency. I need to learn how to say no and I'm starting today. I am done doing what I feel will be best for others. That has only ended me up right here. I don't like being here. That is all.
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