30 Days of Gratitude

After writing the title of this post I hesitate to write what I originally intended to write as it doesn't seem gracious. I made a 90 day challenge with CIC and to myself to be able to do a handstand. This challenge started on the 3/1. Within the first 2-3 weeks I successfully performed a tripod headstand. I couldn't believe how strong I am. That move was a huge milestone for me.

I cut out added sugar the first 30 days. The current 30 days is 30 days of gratitude. That means that no matter what's happening around me I must be grateful. Everything is working for me not against me. I have to be grateful for how it moves in my life. How I move my life. I've realized how much I didn't appreciate the things that I have. I have so much!!! This has also made me realize some things about my past.

The first time I prepped to do a headstand months ago I cried because the pressure on my head reminded me of my turbulence incident. I have come a long way. It's funny how writing things can bring you to the answers you seek. Something about my life with Carl reminds me of my time with Luis. It makes me want to run away. What discomfort do I feel now? This turbulence incident will keep working on me...

I don't acknowledge how far I've come sometimes. On this path of gratitude I realize that I don't appreciate myself. I don't take time to acknowledge my accomplishments and hard work. I am a better and more loving person everyday yet my ego finds ways to tell me I'm not good enough. What I've done is not enough. And that I don't deserve my blessings because of the terrible things I have done. Then guilt weighs in. Then negative thinking finds its way in.

I am so happy. I had a great day yesterday. The more I appreciate the more I start to give and receive. I have to have more faith. I have to know I am loved I can love. Love. Inspiration. Forgiveness. Truth. Not only do I have to give those things to others but to myself as well. Can I forgive myself for me past? Can I be honest about where I am in life? Where is the line between guilt and self abuse?

I don't want to hurt anyone because I wouldn't want to be hurt. That's what it comes down to. How many times have I been to this place? Is it like holding a forearm plank? Every time I tried to hold to my feelings of doing what's right I give up and drop to the ground? When I know that there is some place inside of me that knows if I tough through this plank. If I just breathe. If I just have faith. If I just stay focused on my intentions (to be strong, happy, fit, free). If I do all that, the reward is so much more than that moment of comfort from the ground.

Is being with CIC holding the plank? Roughing it out through the hard times. Remembering to breathe and be in the moment. Appreciating him, us, and knowing that holding on to us will be greatly rewarding in the future. Is that the part of me that bitched out on Luis? To get through the tough times together. To know that discomfort will lead to success. I feel like falling to the ground to spare his wife, him, and myself any more discomfort.

Or...

Is not being with CIC holding the plank?was falling to the ground seeking comfort by falling into his arms (though not so willingly...) If I hold out until his divorce is official would it be more worth it? More in line with who I am and what I want? Is the feeling of falling to the ground the feeling of his flesh? The comfort of having his flesh rather than waiting for it to be mine?

This is where my confusion lies. Both sides seem sound. But which truth lies within me? And which truth is a lie? It seems so much easier to let him go than stay with him. I've become uncomfortable again. My guilt has run me over. He has been so good to me. He does things for me. He treats me like a queen. He is amazing. I should let that go because those things he agreed to give to someone else.

Does it bother me that his wife doesn't know? Not so much that she doesn't know but that we can't be together because he's not ready for it. If he were ready then things would be moving. I sure know how to pick them. If he died tomorrow no one would know about me as his partner. Just a scandalous mistress. Not even his parents...

Is this just a vacation for him to figure his shit out? The fuck inn I suppose...

I am grateful for being able to write and sort through my emotions. I am grateful for King Cole and his wise wisdom and unconditional love for me.