A painful manifestation...resistance is futile.

Well, I'm out of work again.  This body at this time does not qualify to be in service as a flight attendant.

Currently I have been experiencing the following:

Debilitating Low Back Pain: Manifested on 4/15 around 1700 CT

I was sitting on my couch and when I went to get up my low back pulled me back down on the couch.  I sat for some time and the pain got progressively worse.  I have been going to the chiropractor, meditating, eating clean (about 80% of the time), applying ice, stretching, walking, taking pain medicine.

The chiro has been pretty helpful.  Meditation has kept me grounded and connected (I think).   I have been eating clean to hopefully give my body the nutritional assistance that it needs.  That include trying to add kale (apparently amazing amounts of vitamin K and A, something Dr. E (my chiro) said that I need to combat my hormonal issues.  I have been applying ice instead of heat so as not to aggravate any inflammation.  I started doing some light stretching but no intense yoga.  This body isn't ready.  I can't walk for too long, I'd say maybe a third of a mile before it begin to hurt.

I was taking ibuprofen and my body has rejected it.  On 4/21 The Fish came to see me and she had to take me to the ER.  I was eating a wonderful dinner and all of a sudden my upper stomach started to hurt.  This pain spread to my chest, jaws, shoulders, and right arm in a way that didn't feel like heartburn.  After a trip to the ER it turns out it was kinda related to heartburn.  I had been taking enough ibuprofen (1-3 600mg tablets a day) to cause these symptoms to come about.  So I stopped taking the drugs.  Just like my turbulence injury; no more numbing the issue.  It's time to face it.

Vertigo: A re-manifestation on 4/22 during sex with CIC

Boy did I really want him.  I had my worries about my back but I knew he was going to be gentle with me.  Sex felt good.  It was sexy and tender.  Yes, I was slightly stressed but I didn't think I did it enough to cause vertigo.  Why won't I connect with him?  Why won't I just let go during sex?  Too much in my mind and not in the now.  I fear that after a while he won't want me because I can't perform sexually.  I know this is not true.

Of course vertigo comes with nausea, extreme dizziness and an upset stomach.  I have an exercise to do.  I had a thought earlier that I should just let the vertigo come.  Let it do it's thing.  Get it all over with.

I just read this on the internet: We must treat it (our body) as a manifestation of God, meaning with respect, love, and care.

Do I respect, love, and care for my body?  Yes.  I feed it well for the most part.  I have been listening to it now more than ever.  Of course I care for it.  More than I have ever cared for it before.  I am respecting where it is and hoping it will be in a place of groundedness and strength and sexiness and love.  I am doing this.  This makes me cry and feel guilt.  This is my issue with the spirituality aspect of it. My ego feels so bad so every little thing that seems to go wrong.  But nothing it is wrong, right?  It's a struggle.  It's a painful struggle.  I realize this about life.  What could I let go of?  Control.  What could I find more space for?  Surrender.  There is somewhere I am supposed to go.

I think I am so scared.  I am so scared.  Who else knows what this feels like?  Did any of the greats feel this way?  Ghandi?  King?

Another great question: What is going on inside of my consciousness that is prompting me to manifest a sick body?

That is probably one of the heaviest questions I have read in a long time.  There is something right now that doesn't resonate with my being.  Is it CIC?  It never has been.  Sometimes I wish it was.  It would make things so much easier.  Surrendering to our love has been an issue for me since the beginning.  I will let that go.  But why did the vertigo come on while we were having sex?  I didn't trust him to be gentle with me.  I didn't trust me to let myself enjoy it.  I was stressed about not cumming and cumming.  I am afraid that if I don't feel like having sex he will not want me.  None of this is true.

I am in the middle of yoga teacher training.  It's a tough year long process.  I am afraid to teach. I know how great I will be at it.  I don't say this pretentiously.  I say it as an inner knowing.  I just know I have to put in the work to learn which means "making mistakes" which is in quotation because nothing is a mistake.  Everything is an opportunity to learn.

My own question:  What am I learning about myself during this opportune time?

I fear looking weak to others. I fear letting others and myself down.  I know that I have let myself down for a long time.  Perfectionism is still there.  I have not pursued my mission in some ways because I am waiting to be ready.  How could I be more ready than right now?  I am ready.  I always have been.

Second internet question:  What am I trying to tell myself?

Be literal and detach.  How do I treat my symptoms?  I need rest and relaxation. I need to have access to the outdoors and trees.  I need to move my body gently.  I need to release judgment about my body and the things it supposedly can and can't do.  If nothing is impossible with God, why do you worry child?  It's like I feel like I will lose myself if I don't worry.  Is there a healthy way for me to worry?  I don't think so.  It hurts.  Worrying never solved a problem.  Maybe I should start asking myself what I can do to help and leave the rest to god.  Wow.  That makes me want to cry harder because it's like I am losing faith in his plan.  Like I want shit to run on my clock. So many angels (angles).  I need to let go.

And here I am wanting to fix it all so that I can move forward.  Ready for more questions: How is this illness altering my life?  What am I unable to do now hat I was doing before?

 I can't perform the physical tasks needed to be a flight attendant.  I am stuck on my couch and in bed most of the day.  I can't do asanas.  I can't non-rev.  I've had a shit ton of time to reflect.

What am I having to do now that I was not doing before?

I have to be very gentle with my being.  I have to have the help of those that love me.  I have to communicate to people what is going on with me.  I have to spend a lot of time thinking and just being without worry or obligation.  I am having to say no to things I previously said yes to.  I am faced with my body and to be honest I haven't said many loving things to it.  This makes me feel gross because of the earlier statement to think of by body as the physical manifestation of god.  I would never treat god this way.

In the end I should ask, what is it that my higher self would have me do?

Surrender.  Trust.  Have faith.  Listen.  Breathe.  Let go.  Realize my inner strength.  Let go of the outer image of my body.  Love more.  Laugh.  Cry

My Hair Is Not Here For Your Entertainment

I just spent 10 hours doing my hair yesterday and I am grateful for every last minute of it now that's it's over.  Most of you who know me know that I prefer to take things as soul lessons and I believe my hair is one of those.

My hair takes patience, love, gentleness and care.  I choose not to harm in with chemicals or dyes made from synthetics. I give my hair the best most natural treatment because that's what I deserve.

I admit to being bothered when people tell me they like a certain hairstyle on my head. I graciously say thanks or that it's really not done.  They don't fucking know the different.  These people have no idea because they think the grass is greener or the naps make them uncomfortable so they tell me they like it simply because they don't have it or understand it. There are also the few who actually like it and don't look at me like I am some clown at a circus.

I know I stand out because of all these perm headed girls or the bald head scaly wags.  Is that judgment?  Maybe the scaly wag part.  I have a lot of hair on my head.  If I wore the typical ghetto uniform no one would say anything about my hair.  I am not sure now if I am more bothered by the compliments or the norms.

I've even gotten requests to wear my fro.  This hairstyle is not for you so I don't care if you like it or not. WTF do I look like?  My hair is not hear for your entertainment.  I do love my hair and I love to play with it.  Just understand that it's not for you... Who the fuck gets hair requests?  I'm going to try that shit out and see the strange ass looks on these people's faces.

Here is another layer.  I only get compliments from white folk and other naturals.  The other people don't even notice me and when they do, they probably say, I can't do nappy hair.

Heh, I am glad I was made big enough to handle something so wonderful as my kinky curly thick hair.  If I couldn't handle that, I'd probably be way behind on my spiritual evolution.

No judgment for you other folk.  Remember, this blog is called my soul daily, not your soul daily...

Take what works for you and leave the rest.

Namaste!

CIC & I: Sex Today

I am freaking out again, at least in this moment.  There are times when I know I want to spend the rest of forever with him but right now I want to run away.  We just had sex and I was feeling very stressed.  I was so worried about my back hurting and his penis hurting me that I failed to enjoy most of it.  This is not normal.  Sex has always been so intense between us.  Sex with Luis was gentle and his penis wasn’t as big. 

I have to say that I miss that about sex.  I sometimes feel like CIC is just too big to enjoy.  Like, literally.  When he is on top it’s nice.  When he is all the way in sometimes it feels good and sometimes it just feels like there’s a big penis inside of me.  This is problem.  When I am stressed before sex and start to have sex, I will take it all in my neck.  I know this about me so I make efforts to relax.  There are times when I can get a grip on it or CIC will do something to make me present and relaxed.  Sometimes he pounds the stress out of me.  Lately though, the pounding is too much.

It seems I am more into foreplay (mostly with my boobs and ass) these days and gentleness.  I use to want to get straight to the fucking.  We have such a strong energy between us and it just intensifies during sex.  Today I felt so overwhelmed by that energy that sex was hard to enjoy.  I even got on top which I thought was something I wanted more of but it didn’t help me.  In fact, it stressed me out more because it doesn’t feel good for me.  I can’t sit on his dick most of the time.  It’s just too big and it completely bypasses the physical points in my vagina that would feel good for me. 

I am not sure what he likes regarding me being on top and that’s the other factor.  I am so insecure when I am on top of him.  I feel like my vagina doesn’t feel good for him mostly because in most angles on top, his penis doesn’t feel good for me.    Of course when all this stuff happens I start to question the whole forever thing.  We are sexually compatible, right?  I know that as a couple we are supposed to work on these things together.  It just seems so bleak right now and I am afraid that if he can’t be pleased with me, he will seek pleasure in other places.

That causes a sense of panic and urgency to fix it and fix it fast  thus more stress.  Why am I a wired like this?  I want to be done with this stress.  I’m supposed to get my period tomorrow so I am highly emotional right now.  Then again, I might not get the damn period because my schedule is all fucked up. 

I need to relax.  Heh, I stress about relaxing. 

Swimming

When I was little, I was afraid to swim.  I didn’t like the feeling of being surrounded by water and not feeling the ground.  My siblings seemed to be good at it.  They could float and everything.  For some reason, I didn’t like the feeling of water in my ear, the feeling of weightlessness. I couldn’t seem to breathe through my mouth. I would always take the water in either through my nose or my mouth. 

A distant cousin of mine held me under the water a couple of times because she thought I had a romantic interest in my cousin.  It was quite traumatizing.  My cousin on my dad’s side, Sean, would suffocate me with pillows whenever I wouldn’t comply with his sexual advances.  Those two events definitely left a mark on me but my fears of deep water existed before that.  Additionally, those two events are no longer attached to me in the ways they use to be.

For some reason when I was in a swimming class and I would try to swim, I wouldn’t get far and I wouldn’t stay afloat.  I also couldn’t tread water.  My favorite move in the swimming pool was the jellyfish. It was the most I could surrender at the time in water. 

Today, not much as changed.  I am not as afraid anymore but there is still something holding me back.  I am literally not sure how to swim.  I see others doing it and when I try it, it doesn’t seem to work out for me.  This is especially true when it comes to treading water. I literally don’t get it.  And I also know at this point that I am thinking about it way too much. 

I need to learn how to get out of my mind and into my body.  I need to learn to trust the water and how to flow with it.  I can’t assume that I will freak out and drown. It’s almost as if I have died by drowning in a past life because I see no reason why in this life I should hold this fear of being in deep water. 

Another challenge is floating.  Sometimes when I try to float, I just sink right to the bottom.  People tell me to relax and I have successfully floated before but I wasn’t relaxed.  To me it seems floating takes a constant amount of work to keep your body up.  My arms and legs float but my mid section usually sinks right down unless I engage my core.  When I seem extremely out of shape people floating I think that core has nothing to do with it but maybe it does.

I am really confused about this and I want to talk to someone about this issue.  I will put more effort into this the next time I get in water. 

The Big Three Ooooooohhhhhh!!!

The big three oooooohhhh!

So, I’m 30 years old.  I haven’t imagined myself much at 30 but here I am.  I am not having in midlife crisis moment as my mother predicted.  I am actually very happy to be done being in my 20’s.

I decided to have a birthday party in Chicago with my closest friends and family.  All of my siblings were there except for Courtney, who classically ran away from a family function, and Najee, who was too young to be there.  My mom and my daddy’s were there. It was super fun.  My wonderful boyfriend CIC went all out for my birthday.  He bought some sexy ass clothes to enhance his handsome looks and he got us a hotel suite in downtown Chicago. 

He surprised me with some champagne and an amazing view.  The suite was so huge that instead of going out to nightclub like I had planned, we ended up partying in the hotel room.  My siblings got to get to know CIC more.  I was also blessed to be able to fly my Chica to Chicago to celebrate with me.  I am so glad she was there because when my baby sister got all funky on me I had my Chica’s healing power. 

After partying in the hotel with my siblings and friends, I spent a romantic night with CIC.  We has thus huge bathroom and awesome tub.  We decided to run and hot bubble bath and bather together while having a night cap.  During the bath we had amazing birthday sex.  After the weekend celebration, we decided to do things like that more often.  I hadn’t seen him in about 3 weeks up until that point.

CIC is based in LAX and commuting from IAH.  Meanwhile, I am MSP based and I have been on ground since January.  I am also in yoga teacher training every Sunday so we haven’t been seeing each other as much as we are use to.  That may all change as I am going back to the line in April.  I talk more on this later.

So from Chicago, my best friend Unicorn and I went to Costa Rica to celebrate our birthdays together.  Her birthday is 2 days after mine.  She turned 27 years old.  Unicorn is an interesting woman.  She use to be very egocentric and quite the perfectionist and I have seen her blossom into a loving woman.  I actually didn’t like her that much when I met her.  Never judge a book by it’s cover but this cover makes it hard not to.  Typical Tracie friend: astoundingly beautiful with the body to match.  How do I find these women??? Why do I find these women?

We flew to Costa Rica from Atlanta.  We go a great deal on our adventure: 8 nights with breakfast and transportation for $450 per person.  Can’t beat that!  Our first night we traveled on a bumpy van ride to Arenal, which is where there is a beautiful non-erupting volcano.  It was a pretty cool view.  We were right across the street from it.  It was breath taking and my first ever sight of a volcano.   The next day we went zip lining near the volcano and had some easy on the eyes instructors.  Totally played into our egos and it was so fun.  After zip lining we enjoyed some man made hot springs and delicious piña coladas. 

After drinks we went back into the city to hang with a couple guys we had met earlier who were trying to sell us a deal on an adventure with free massages from them… They were cool dudes but it took a while to calm them down from the flirting.  We drank a bit that night and then headed back to the hotel to recharge for the next day.

The next day was perhaps the high point of the vacation for me.  We found another awesome deal from a tourist vendor.  We got to go on a 2 hour jungle hike around the volcano and then partake in adult beverages around a natural hot spring.  When the transportation picked us up from our hotel, the van was pretty full.  There were 5 big dudes in there from Poland.   A couple of them were particularly interested in my vibrams.  It made for a cool conversation piece. Unicorn and I agreed on a good-looking ones.  Prior to our trip we decided we would find some guys to buy us drinks and flirt with us.  These were those guys indeed.  We had awesome time trekking through the jungle.  Our guide had 27 years of experience in the jungles and well as the volcano.  He was pretty epic.  After the jungle hike we went to the hot springs where our guide had rum and juice for us.  The Polish guys found out it was a birthday vacation for us and began to sing birthday songs in Polish very exuberantly.   It was pretty damn cool.  We then enjoyed each other in the hot springs together.  After it was over we all agreed to meet downtown for more birthday celebrations.

We met at some dive bar.  We were 15 minutes late and the boys were about 40 minutes late.  It all worked out in the end though.  They bought us drinks all night.  It later came out that one guy in particular was interested in me in a romantic way.  His name was Martin.  He looked like Eric Bana…drool…but even hotter.  I had a free pass from CIC to enjoy myself from vacation but for some reason when it came down to it, I only saw CIC in that moment.  In fact, I wasn’t even turned on by the guy or anything.  I wonder how that would have turned out…

The next day we headed to Montezuma early in the morning.  It’s right off the inner east coast of the peninsula so we had about a 2 hour car drive, a 1.5 hour ferry ride, and about another hour or so in the car.  We stayed at a place called El Sano Banano and it was amazing.  Wonderful staff and food!  I loved it there.  Unicorn met some American boys in the van from Arenal who were also on their way to Montezuma.  I had no interest in them because one, it was early in the morning and I don’t care to normally talk so much.  Two, after the very cool and hot Polish gentlemen, everyone else seemed uninteresting.  Three, all I wanted in Costa Rica was to experience the rain forest and meet hot foreign guys; my trip has peaked the night before so I didn’t give a shit what happened after that.  

I am sure they thought I was a total bitch and I really didn’t give a shit.  Fortunately/Unfortunately, we spent a lot more time with these guys with a fair share of drama.  They were just some dude as white boys and I just have no interest in that.  At the same time, all of us shared some very personal things with each other.  We were destined to meet and connect.  One of the guys, Billy, is on this beautiful spiritual journey and although he came off like a dumbass American, never judge a book by it’s cover, he was very deep and had intuitive messages for everyone.  The other guy Chris was not being himself all the time yet Unicorn took an interest in him, which is why we were all hanging out in the first place. 

I did my best to save face but I was pretty bored by these guys.  I personally don’t go on vacation to meet American dudes but that’s just me. Of course I never mind playing wingman for any of my tribe.    When we arrived in Montezuma, we all decided to do a small hike to a waterfall.  It was pretty cool. I didn’t get in the water because I wasn’t confident in my swimming skills (yet another topic to write about).  We ended the night with margaritas, which didn’t sit well on my tummy the next day but I pooped it all out.

We mostly ate at our hotel.  I ate lots of fruit and it was delicious.  The food in this country is all organic and pretty damn good.  I ate so healthy there.  I drank a lot of beer but balanced it all out with lots of walking, hiking, and yoga!  The next day we spent a lot of time on the beach and did a kundalini yoga class.  It was Unicorn’s first time doing it and she didn’t like it.  She prefers more vigorous asana.  Most nights we ate at this place called Organico that had live music and great food.  We went to this bar called Chico’s, which was dominated very much by locals.  It was a strange place. 

The next day we went SUP Boarding for a couple of hours.  We had another great instructor/tour guide.   I wore a life vest and fell in the water once due to my inability to turn well and some wind.  It was very refreshing. We stopped to eat some coconut on the shore in the middle of boarding.  It was beautiful.  The next day we had signed up for spa treatments, spent more time at a pool from a sister hotel and on the beach, and took a yoga class with live music.  I forgot the name of the unique Swiss instrument but it was awesome.  A very strengthening and centering class.

The next day we made the trek back to San Juan in order to be nearer to the airport to make our flight home.  It was a motel but it was friendly, clean, and had nice staff.  We ended up getting drunk in our room while watching Wall-E and doing yoga.  It was a great way to end an awesome trip.  We had pizza that did a number on my stomach the next day.  I did my best to stay away from dairy while I was there and I had too much on that last day.   The next morning we made business class on the way back to the States. 

After clearing customs I was able to make it on a flight back to MSP in what seemed like impossible odds.  There were only 2 seats available and I was number 10 on the list.  I have never placed any worry in being able to get home and I wanted to maintain my faith in seeing myself at my yoga class.  Me and the Divine were able to make a miracle happen and I was the first standby cleared on that flight.  

All in all I have had an extremely blessed 30th birthday experience.  I am so grateful to god for all the people who love and support me but mostly for god's abundant and infinite love.  He truly amazes me with his blessings.  Conclusively, I would like to blog about the following topics below. 

Swimming

Food & My Body

One Night Stands

CIC & I

Pain

Yoga and Teacher Training

I miss writing and it always gives me better perspective.  I love you, I love me, we are one.  Namaste.