I'm not sure

What do I really know?  I've had a hard time lately and I don't want to write as much as writing is clarifying for me.  I don't want to crochet as much as I use to enjoy it.  I don't want to move.  I want to lie still and do nothing.  I have taken away all hope in my life for my job at Compass.  This is the longest I have ever had a job and well, maybe that has something to do with wanting to leave.  I don't like to feel trapped.  My job use to provide me with such freedom but it wasn't my job that gave me freedom.  If anything lately I have revealed just how trapped I really am at work.

I wonder if I can type this sentence with my eyes closed. I did.  That was cool.  What else coudl I do with emy eys closed? Ah reality sets in.  Once there was focus and now there is this.  There is undertainlty and a lack fo fiath in my own skills.  I want to have so much focus that I can keep typing with my eyes closed. How did I learn to type like this?  I was in grade school and taking computer class was one of my favorite things because I loved to play the typing lessons.  I became really good at it.  I don't care why they were teaching me to do it.  We don't give our brains much credit.  I am not sure I could fill in a blank keyboard but maybe I could.  Standby.

So I just did a test to see if I could make put every letter to the keyboard in it's place and I couldn't just do it visually.  I had to incorporate my hands and spell words on an air keyboard in order to find their place.  I missed the placing of z, v, and y.  Otherwise I couldn't just picture the keyboard in my head and write it out.  I type on my keyboard so much I find this interesting that something I interact with daily doesn't come to me more easily than it did.  Such is life.  I live life everyday and some things I have figured out but some I have not.  I am not an expert typist.  I am not an expert human.  I am not sure if I want to be.

I want to find a reason to live for myself.  I have seen what I can do for others but nothing for myself.  I should accept what is.  I should accept the way this world works.  Typing that makes me want to cry.  I don't want any of this still.  Even with an amazing partner, friends, and family.  Even with this exciting job and the prospect of teaching yoga and writing and gardening.  I still don't want to be here.  I might need to take some type of drug.  But the spiritual world say all of the answers lie within.  In where?  In me?  Because I feel emptiness. I feel sinking.  Am I just a tsunami that is swelling?  I am not sure.

Written 3.11.15

So it's been an interesting two days. Yesterday I had a mandatory meeting with Inflight because another FA complained about my behavior during a flight. I'm not really sure what Compass will do about it. I'm in limbo with them right now. Additionally I am dealing with some type of stomach virus. I've pooped everything out and threw everything up to the point where I can't even hold down water. I haven't eaten anything today and I am currently working a flight from DFW to LAX. I just told the pilots to send and ACARS that I will not be able to work my next flight to SFO. 

I really wanted to because I feel like it will be good to get away from CIC for a bit right now. He has been nursing me ever since I tried to kill myself and I'm over it. Maybe I'll feel better when we land but right now I am sucking on ice and it's making my stomach hurt again. That means no food or water. Wonder if I can do it? And if I am sick, does working mean I am choosing my job over my well being? 

In fact, I dare say this is what this sickness is all about. I just so happen to get sick a few hours after eating airplane food. The food literally made me sick to my stomach. Ingesting airline makes me sick to my stomach. I think it's time to bid this job adieu and I'm really confused about what I should be doing. I couldn't find my old school weight and balance forms and I told myself that when this forms run out then I'll walk away from CP. I'm sure there in my bag somewhere. 

If I could be doing anything in the world right now I would be teaching yoga classes a few times a day and traveling on CIC's benefits. I am not sure flying is for me anymore. I don't feel any joy with it. I don't want to be fired from CP but if it happened I am not sure it would be the worse thing in the world. I want to leave on my terms though. This job is making me sick. 

Uber happenings

So CIC isn't a fan of my bus life. It takes too long to get anywhere. I think what bugs him the most is that he lacks certain guarantees such as timelines, trust, and safety. It's an open environment and it's not his style. 

I've risen buses my whole life. It's no big deal to me but it is to him. Now that we live together he's running a campaign to get me off the bus. He's even set up an uber account to ensure I have transpiration that he can trust. I'm in an uber car right now and he's probably tracking me on the app...

I'm grateful he set up uber for me but I wanted to take the bus home because it's cheaper even though it would've taken me a long time to get home. I felt obligated to take uber to make him happy and I am blogging about it because I just had a feeling with CIC I've never had before. 

It's that classic despair I use to experience with Cookie and Devin. Just sad about the situation. I felt like I was being controlled and told what to do. I felt like I was being denied my freedom. I mean, it's really not that serious. It's just a car ride. Maybe it's because he's paying for it. I feel like a child who can't be trusted to take care of herself. 

I loathed him in that moment. I've never felt that way about him...which why I know it wasn't about him. It was about the feelings the situation was giving me which leads me to believe I never felt that way about my exes, just the situation. When I felt the feeling before I arranged the uber ride, I wanted to cry. I seriously started to tear up at the thought of having to use the service. I felt defeated. 

I felt like a burden. I felt like I needed a hand out. Because I had those feelings I made myself order the car in order to get pass them. I know what happens when you let those feelings fester. My independence is important to me. CIC just loves me and feels inclined to keep me safe. And as ly naked in bed warm and quiet I realize that's all CIC wanted. 

 

I'll still have to find a different way to address this uber thing. In the mean time, I'm home. Good night! 

It's the most wonderful time of the year! It's the Fall!

Fall is my favorite season for many reasons.  I'm not going to get too poetic or overtly metaphysical about why I love the Fall. I will just state briefly that I love the ending of things that are necessary for a new beginning. Fall is a great time to let shit go and move on! Below I will list 4 other reasons why the Fall is the best time of the year!

1. The weather is perfect! 

I love a nice chili days and nights that allows you to cuddle under quilts or afghans and drink tea, hot chocolate, or coffee with baileys! I like to wear jackets, sweaters, and boots. I love the cloudy skies, the rain, the keeping the windows open to feel the cool air. 

2. The trees are so beautiful! 

Spring time is my second favorite season but it pales in comparison to the colors of the fall leaves. Varieties of red, yellow, brown, orange, and green are in abundance and the changes are subtle and abrupt. I love the noise of the leaves as the wind dances with trees. It's so picturesque when the leaves fall to the ground. I love walking, running, stomping, and rolling in piles and piles of leaves on the ground. I love the smell of the leaves and earth mixed together. I love it when I see a leaf that I'm drawn to so much that I pick it up and take it with me. I love this dying. I love this stillness. 

3. Fall has the best holidays!

Seriously, Halloween, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, and are the best holidays! Um, I get to get free candy if I dress up in a costume? Sign me up every time! 

I love horror movies, zombie flicks in particular. I love haunted houses and sensible gore. Now, sensible gore sounds like and oxymoron but some movies like Saw in my opinion have gore all wrong. I grew up with a healthy thanksgiving tradition of giving thanks, spending time with family, and eating as much soul food I could fit in my belly that night. Politics aside, in my house, Thanksgiving the best holiday of the year. Labor Day is a great way to recognize the professions that keep the world turning and it's also a great way to get out of school and BBQ! 

4. School starts again after summer break. 

I love school. I always have and it's the reason why I came to earth; I love learning. Learning is the reason we all have come here but I know for me that being a student and teacher in life has been a passion of mine since I was 3. And while most kids I knew dreaded the end of the summer, I was super excited...most years :-P 

Living in Los Angeles has definitely made me long for my favorite season even more. Lucky for me, in my job I can always visit the places that have the best Fall seasons. I'm heading to PDX tonight for Halloween with my babe! I'm going as Melandre from Game of Thrones. Hope you enjoy your Halloween! Just remember, the night is dark and full of terror... Bwahahahaha

Making Decisions and Choices (in my Jill Scott voice)

So much to do. I am near the end of my first yoga teacher training and I was so happy to get to the end but now that I'm here I see there is no end to this. What is god's plan for me? What have we co-conspired for me in this lifetime? I have so many choices to make and I have been dreading making them. I just read something in autobiography of a yogi that might be helpful. When you completely devote your life to god and his work then everything will work out. The power of the universe will move through you and for you. 

I recently thought that I had to make choices about certain things in my life more specifically my career. There are management opportunities at my airline. There are presidential opportunities within AFA. I just finished yoga teacher training and could begin to pursue my yoga career. I could leave all of my responsibilities within AFA and CP and just fly. I could quit my FA job and fall into yoga. I could do yoga and fly. You see my issue here?

I want to make a pro and con list to really sort through these different paths. For right now I'm not doing a good job at being present at work as I just landed in LAX and we're waiting for a gate. To be continued...

Into the Abyss

Here I go again. It's been a long time since I've had such a set back. It truly felt like it came out of nowhere. This time I don't like the way I've made people feel. I don't like the way I've felt. 

I get so deep into this sadness. As I become more open, more aware, I see all the subtleties of it yet I don't feel closer to figuring it out. 

I want the music to stop in my head. I want will power and concentration. My mind is weak and there is too much fear. I say this not to manifest it but to acknowledge what it is. 

There is a party of me that wonders if I will continue to slip into this dark places or the black hole as the Unicorn has dubbed it. I wonder if this is my life. 

  

I don't want to put CIC through this for years and I bet I probably made some promise in these blogs not to do this to him again. Yet here I am. I wonder if this space will get me to stay. If this is just a reaction to too much interaction. Yet yoga is teaching me to respond rather than react. 

I'm not sure. I always handle this so internally. I suppose I don't think anyone will understand. That they won't just let me be. They love me and they don't want to see me hurting. It feels like sadness. 

Wonder if forgiveness will always be there. Be healed. 

Wanderer

Maybe I'm meant to roam. When I want something don't I always want it? Let's think of things I wanted at some point in time but didn't want anymore. 

My ex. 

I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Insert shit in the middle and then boom, I'm done. 

Pork Chops

I really use to love pork chops. Maybe I still do but I don't eat them anymore. 

Chocolate Milk

I drank it for the first few years of grade school and the I just couldn't stand it anymore. 

Marrying Cookie

I wanted to get married to him and there was some initial excitement. All the while there was this sneaky feeling of not really wanting to be married. We all know how that ended. 

Going to California

I swear if one more person asks me if I am excited then I'm going to lose my shit. I finally analyzed why that is:  I'm not excited. In fact, I've dreaded the work that will go into it and I'm hoping that once I'm there something will change in me. The truth is I'm in the same place I was with my marriage. I'm just going through the motions to get things done and in the moment nothing, not even CIC excites me about California.