I didn't go to my mother's house. I didn't want to. I wanted to be with CIC. I had a great time with him. His energy is so good for me. Even when I want to push him away his energy evens me out. I want to get use to him being around.
Another issue came up with an apartment lease, this time with my sister. I sublet an apartment with my sister in Chicago and we followed all the proper procedures. At some point after the lease was over, my sister stopped paying the rent and now this company is trying to get the money from me. They have no case, just like that other situation (where my ex boyfriend forged my signature on an apartment lease and didn't pay the rent). I just want it to be over and done with quickly. I want justice to be served. That place had shitty management and now the owner is trying to squeeze something out of me. The messed up part is that they don't have any paperwork. None.
I'm going to Bali in December on a spiritual retreat with my mentor Mastin. I haven't spoken to him in a few years. He got so busy and well, so did I. I am excited to finally meet him and have him tell me about myself. And well, I'd be delighted to tell him about himself too. This trip is costing around $10,000 but I am not attached to that price. I know this is where I am supposed to be and that god will work it all out.
I am moving to Los Angeles next month. I am scared. Everyone keeps asking me if I am excited. I wouldn't describe this as excitement. I am moving in with two people that I love but it still bothers me. There is so much that still needs to be taken care of. I need to change addresses in so many places. Better make that list. Why do I move around so much?
I barely made it out of MCI today in time for my yoga class but I did. I asked god to help me out and he did. I made a decision to be here. I am seeing the ability to create become stronger the more I stay focused on what's in front of me. I have this foolish idea that there won't be any hurdles in the way and no one to speak against me and try to taint my name as I become famous. What a silly child I am! I have to be careful about my circle. I have to make sure I do everything on the up and up. My hard work and integrity are going to propel me toward my dreams. I have to keep god close. This is my mission and his will.
Soul lessons can be exhausting. It truly is a helpful mentality and blessing to be able to see everything as a soul lesson but damn, lately soul lessons are falling from the sky and I am overwhelmed. I know this is all preparation, just like Sparkles said. Everything that I am going through now is preparing me for something. That's the way it's always been in my life and I suppose in everyone else's lives. If we just sit back and observe it all we can learn from it, apply it, and release it.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Friday, June 27, 2014
Choosing Not To Be There
Today is my mother's 50th birthday and I am at an airport right now choosing to go see my boyfriend instead of my mother.
I suppose if you look at that one sentence many judgments/assumptions can be made.
Why am I going to see my boyfriend?
I miss him. I don't get to see him often and I want to feel him.
Why am I not going to see my mother?
The truth is that I don't want to go to her house and that is where she is. For the past couple of years, every time I go to that house I get bitten by bed bugs. One time I got bitten so badly I had to call off work because my skin looked gross and I had a severe allergic reaction. In fact, I have a mandatory meeting with supervisor to explain my dependability as a result of that sick call. I think my mother is more important to me than my job. Then again, I have done more for my job than I have done for my mother.
Wow, initially I was struggling to come up with a response for that question. I know why I should go see her. It's her birthday. That would mean so much to her. She would remember that I was there and so what would everyone else.
I suppose I am wondering, why don't I feel an urge to be there?
It's a strange thing to feel this way about my family. I just don't miss them. I don't miss my mother. I guess I think she'll always be around, just like my grandmother was...but my grandmother is dead.
Where is the line? Go to you mother's house to laugh with everyone while sitting on bed bug infested furniture and possibly get sick enough to miss work...but it's family! That makes it ok, right?
Well, I don't think it's alright for me. I don't want to go to my mother's house because I don't have a place to sleep that is safe for me. I can't sleep there. I can barely be there for a few hours without getting eaten alive by those fucking bugs. It pisses me off that they choose to live this way. It doesn't bother them. Or maybe it does and they don't see a way out. I've been there before.
I am not judging them. Many people get in situations that are bad for their health yet every situation is just a soul lesson, good or bad. This is their soul lesson and for that reason I try to detach from it. I know all they will see is that I am not there. All I will see is that I don't get sick by being there. It hurts. I could cry right now but I'm at the airport.
I've asked a few of the "mothers" in my life for advice and well, they'd probably tell me to go there. I did bring the bug spray. I suppose I could just fly in for the night, pay for a hotel and get back the next day. CIC will understand. But those damn bugs make me sick...
I suppose if you look at that one sentence many judgments/assumptions can be made.
Why am I going to see my boyfriend?
I miss him. I don't get to see him often and I want to feel him.
Why am I not going to see my mother?
The truth is that I don't want to go to her house and that is where she is. For the past couple of years, every time I go to that house I get bitten by bed bugs. One time I got bitten so badly I had to call off work because my skin looked gross and I had a severe allergic reaction. In fact, I have a mandatory meeting with supervisor to explain my dependability as a result of that sick call. I think my mother is more important to me than my job. Then again, I have done more for my job than I have done for my mother.
Wow, initially I was struggling to come up with a response for that question. I know why I should go see her. It's her birthday. That would mean so much to her. She would remember that I was there and so what would everyone else.
I suppose I am wondering, why don't I feel an urge to be there?
It's a strange thing to feel this way about my family. I just don't miss them. I don't miss my mother. I guess I think she'll always be around, just like my grandmother was...but my grandmother is dead.
Where is the line? Go to you mother's house to laugh with everyone while sitting on bed bug infested furniture and possibly get sick enough to miss work...but it's family! That makes it ok, right?
Well, I don't think it's alright for me. I don't want to go to my mother's house because I don't have a place to sleep that is safe for me. I can't sleep there. I can barely be there for a few hours without getting eaten alive by those fucking bugs. It pisses me off that they choose to live this way. It doesn't bother them. Or maybe it does and they don't see a way out. I've been there before.
I am not judging them. Many people get in situations that are bad for their health yet every situation is just a soul lesson, good or bad. This is their soul lesson and for that reason I try to detach from it. I know all they will see is that I am not there. All I will see is that I don't get sick by being there. It hurts. I could cry right now but I'm at the airport.
I've asked a few of the "mothers" in my life for advice and well, they'd probably tell me to go there. I did bring the bug spray. I suppose I could just fly in for the night, pay for a hotel and get back the next day. CIC will understand. But those damn bugs make me sick...
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Lessons from my Grandmother
Yep. My grandmother died a couple weeks ago. Somehow its still doesn't seem real. It hasn't registered. I will miss her. Her lessons. Her Love. Her rolling eyes. Her delicious food (we all know no one cooks like grandma). She died so suddenly. It wasn't expected, at least not for us. I have a feeling though that she knew and that she will reincarnate.
On her last night she was in my oldest brother's room and they were talking. She said she was going to the rest room and she never came out. My brother later knocked on the door and she didn't answer. He then went inside the bathroom and found her on the floor. My step dad and baby sis tried to revive her but there was no use. Unfortunately my little brothers were all there too and they saw her dead body. I feel so bad that they had to experience such a thing.
I hadn't seen my grandmother in months. All of my siblings had some really cool normal last experience with her except for me. I was kinda jealous about that. I have been trying to connect with her spirit and I can't feel her. I thought I smelled her but there has been nothing that has transpired where I know it's her. Maybe except for the letter I found that I had written to her 3 years ago. It was a letter thanking her for all she had done. It was a letter saying that one of the most wonderful things she had ever done was connect with God and realize his blessings in her life.
My grandmother had a full life. She lived long enough to see her great grand children. She also struggled with a few things, one of those being money. So much so to the point where we are on a search to find anything related to insurance. I want to end this trend of money in the family: total unconsciousness of it. I got a winding tattoo on my back to symbolize the circles she went in, the circles we all go in until we learn our lesson.
Since this blog is entitled Lessons from my grandmother, I will list a few of the most valuable ones I have learned.
Sit up straight
My grandmother drilled good manners and good posture into us. I remember walking around with books on my head and her telling me how to sit or how to hold my fork. I have a bit of a worm neck and she encouraged me to elongate my neck. We even went to a small etiquette course where our skills were both honed and validated. I thought all kids had that upbringing but I could tell they didn't by the way they acted in the street and with adults.
Speak Up!
My grandmother didn't like that quiet voice shit. She also didn't like slang language. We couldn't say words like butt or fart in our house. Yeah was also not very popular. We were to only speak with spoken to and we were taught never to interrupt adults while they were talking. You had to excuse yourself for many things such as burping or wanting to speak to an adult engaged in conversation. We also addressed all adults by miss or mister. She told us we had to annunciate when we spoke and to use our words. She told us we had two ears and one mouth for a reason and that was to listen twice as hard as we speak.
Trust in God
Grandma starting "making" the girls go to church and well, it changed my life forever. Initially my life transformed and I got everything that I ever wanted which at the time meant getting the best student award in 6th grade. Though I stopped going to church I do appreciate a good service every now and again. My grandmother always said to trust in god. He will work things out. I remember I was trying to get to work and I missed my flight. I was to be disciplined at work and I remember my grandmother calling me in the middle of the mess. I told her what was going on and she said, claim that is Jesus name I won't get written up at work. Well, I claimed it and I didn't get written up. True faith.
I'm too old for a boyfriend
This was one of her last lessons to me. I told her I had a boyfriend and that I wanted her to meet him. She told me I was too old for a boyfriend and of course I thought she was crazy at first and of course she was 100% right. I am too old for a boyfriend. That's when I started referring to CIC as my partner. He is my partner. The word boyfriend comes up now and again but I understand what she meant by that now. I wish she could have met him.
Family is Important
Until she died she did what she could for her family. Am I doing all that I can? I am not sure what my family wants me to do. I had a chance to see my grandmother in April and I didn't do it. I always thought she would just be there and she is not. That hurts. This is how I have set up my relationship with my family. I don't see them and they don't see me. I am learning so much about myself and judgment that it is becoming more possible to tolerate the environment but I still feel lost. I am having a hard time just being present there.
Don't be scared of it
Excuse my raining face. This one just brought up a lot of emotions. These words were stated on more than one occasion and for many different circumstances. My fondest memory of these words has to do with potato salad. Boy did I love her potato salad! So much so to the point where I wanted her to teach me to make it so that I would never forget it. She made it with her bare hands. She just mixed the ingredients together that way. I wasn't as comfortable with this mix method and she said, "don't be scared of it." She really wanted me to dig in there and feel the salad being mixed. How else would I know that it was mixed well? It wasn't the salad I was afraid of, it was me and my inability to perform this new thing that I had never done before.
And in this way my grandmother has come back to me. She kisses my mother. She protects my sister. And for me? Well, the lessons just keep coming up and they apply to everything that I am going through at this time in my life. Do I want a kiss? Of course! Do I want a light touch or a shadow? Yes! And I want to know that is her. Not get a sneaking feeling or a hope that it's her. I want blatancy. That's who I operate, right?
Sit Up Straight
Speak Up
Trust in God
Don't Be Scared of It.
These lessons and many more are her legacy for me. Now it must incubate. Or has been incubating and it's ready to hatch? How do I get off this couch?
Sit up straight...don't be scared of it.
On her last night she was in my oldest brother's room and they were talking. She said she was going to the rest room and she never came out. My brother later knocked on the door and she didn't answer. He then went inside the bathroom and found her on the floor. My step dad and baby sis tried to revive her but there was no use. Unfortunately my little brothers were all there too and they saw her dead body. I feel so bad that they had to experience such a thing.
I hadn't seen my grandmother in months. All of my siblings had some really cool normal last experience with her except for me. I was kinda jealous about that. I have been trying to connect with her spirit and I can't feel her. I thought I smelled her but there has been nothing that has transpired where I know it's her. Maybe except for the letter I found that I had written to her 3 years ago. It was a letter thanking her for all she had done. It was a letter saying that one of the most wonderful things she had ever done was connect with God and realize his blessings in her life.
My grandmother had a full life. She lived long enough to see her great grand children. She also struggled with a few things, one of those being money. So much so to the point where we are on a search to find anything related to insurance. I want to end this trend of money in the family: total unconsciousness of it. I got a winding tattoo on my back to symbolize the circles she went in, the circles we all go in until we learn our lesson.
Since this blog is entitled Lessons from my grandmother, I will list a few of the most valuable ones I have learned.
Sit up straight
My grandmother drilled good manners and good posture into us. I remember walking around with books on my head and her telling me how to sit or how to hold my fork. I have a bit of a worm neck and she encouraged me to elongate my neck. We even went to a small etiquette course where our skills were both honed and validated. I thought all kids had that upbringing but I could tell they didn't by the way they acted in the street and with adults.
Speak Up!
My grandmother didn't like that quiet voice shit. She also didn't like slang language. We couldn't say words like butt or fart in our house. Yeah was also not very popular. We were to only speak with spoken to and we were taught never to interrupt adults while they were talking. You had to excuse yourself for many things such as burping or wanting to speak to an adult engaged in conversation. We also addressed all adults by miss or mister. She told us we had to annunciate when we spoke and to use our words. She told us we had two ears and one mouth for a reason and that was to listen twice as hard as we speak.
Trust in God
Grandma starting "making" the girls go to church and well, it changed my life forever. Initially my life transformed and I got everything that I ever wanted which at the time meant getting the best student award in 6th grade. Though I stopped going to church I do appreciate a good service every now and again. My grandmother always said to trust in god. He will work things out. I remember I was trying to get to work and I missed my flight. I was to be disciplined at work and I remember my grandmother calling me in the middle of the mess. I told her what was going on and she said, claim that is Jesus name I won't get written up at work. Well, I claimed it and I didn't get written up. True faith.
I'm too old for a boyfriend
This was one of her last lessons to me. I told her I had a boyfriend and that I wanted her to meet him. She told me I was too old for a boyfriend and of course I thought she was crazy at first and of course she was 100% right. I am too old for a boyfriend. That's when I started referring to CIC as my partner. He is my partner. The word boyfriend comes up now and again but I understand what she meant by that now. I wish she could have met him.
Family is Important
Until she died she did what she could for her family. Am I doing all that I can? I am not sure what my family wants me to do. I had a chance to see my grandmother in April and I didn't do it. I always thought she would just be there and she is not. That hurts. This is how I have set up my relationship with my family. I don't see them and they don't see me. I am learning so much about myself and judgment that it is becoming more possible to tolerate the environment but I still feel lost. I am having a hard time just being present there.
Don't be scared of it
Excuse my raining face. This one just brought up a lot of emotions. These words were stated on more than one occasion and for many different circumstances. My fondest memory of these words has to do with potato salad. Boy did I love her potato salad! So much so to the point where I wanted her to teach me to make it so that I would never forget it. She made it with her bare hands. She just mixed the ingredients together that way. I wasn't as comfortable with this mix method and she said, "don't be scared of it." She really wanted me to dig in there and feel the salad being mixed. How else would I know that it was mixed well? It wasn't the salad I was afraid of, it was me and my inability to perform this new thing that I had never done before.
And in this way my grandmother has come back to me. She kisses my mother. She protects my sister. And for me? Well, the lessons just keep coming up and they apply to everything that I am going through at this time in my life. Do I want a kiss? Of course! Do I want a light touch or a shadow? Yes! And I want to know that is her. Not get a sneaking feeling or a hope that it's her. I want blatancy. That's who I operate, right?
Sit Up Straight
Speak Up
Trust in God
Don't Be Scared of It.
These lessons and many more are her legacy for me. Now it must incubate. Or has been incubating and it's ready to hatch? How do I get off this couch?
Sit up straight...don't be scared of it.
The Sky Is Grey...I'll be safe at home
I am not California dreaming at this point. California is like the bane of my being in this moment. CIC is in Cali. He left me for Cali. He doesn't like Minnesota. But I'm in Minnesota. I didn't get the looks on people's faces when I would tell them he went Cali because he hates the snow. In the back of their minds they were wondering why he would leave me here and how we would make this work. For me, it's not working right now in this moment.
Maybe it never was working. Maybe this is what he wants and this is his way of saying it. That hurts. This hurts. When he found that apartment with Unicorn, they didn't think about me. They say they did, "oh, look at this natural light, Tracie will love this!" Well, I didn't ask for natural light, I asked for a washer an dryer. This place was not for me, it was for Unicorn and then secondly, CIC.
He told me he'd be in MSP on all his off days. That hasn't happened. And now he has off days and it hasn't happened. I do more. I do more. I always do more and I am tired of doing more. I can't believe I entertained the idea of canceling yoga classes to see him. Well, not anymore. I am doing everything I have to do to better myself and I have to keep focused on that.
Talk about repeating patterns. It's just like when I was in college and Dre was bum. I did everything. Now I feel a need to do everything because it's what I am use to but I tried to let that go and actually give my partner the chance to step up. He has stepped up in some ways tremendously but for some reason, I don't feel like I am going home. I don't feel like LAX is my home. What is there for me? Unicorn is there but that is not a daily love and that works for me.
I don't want any expectations. I want space and quiet and that is not what is waiting for me in LAX. Love with effort is what's waiting there for me and right now I just don't feel like it. I feel like my mother feels I supposed. Sometimes she just doesn't feel like it.
I feel exhausted lately. My heart beats strangely. I don't know what's going on with me. I just want to lie down for a very long time. I've never been this upset with him and it bothers me. I am setting all this up myself. I am allowing fear to energize what's happening now.
I don't have a space there.
Maybe it never was working. Maybe this is what he wants and this is his way of saying it. That hurts. This hurts. When he found that apartment with Unicorn, they didn't think about me. They say they did, "oh, look at this natural light, Tracie will love this!" Well, I didn't ask for natural light, I asked for a washer an dryer. This place was not for me, it was for Unicorn and then secondly, CIC.
He told me he'd be in MSP on all his off days. That hasn't happened. And now he has off days and it hasn't happened. I do more. I do more. I always do more and I am tired of doing more. I can't believe I entertained the idea of canceling yoga classes to see him. Well, not anymore. I am doing everything I have to do to better myself and I have to keep focused on that.
Talk about repeating patterns. It's just like when I was in college and Dre was bum. I did everything. Now I feel a need to do everything because it's what I am use to but I tried to let that go and actually give my partner the chance to step up. He has stepped up in some ways tremendously but for some reason, I don't feel like I am going home. I don't feel like LAX is my home. What is there for me? Unicorn is there but that is not a daily love and that works for me.
I don't want any expectations. I want space and quiet and that is not what is waiting for me in LAX. Love with effort is what's waiting there for me and right now I just don't feel like it. I feel like my mother feels I supposed. Sometimes she just doesn't feel like it.
I feel exhausted lately. My heart beats strangely. I don't know what's going on with me. I just want to lie down for a very long time. I've never been this upset with him and it bothers me. I am setting all this up myself. I am allowing fear to energize what's happening now.
I don't have a space there.
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