Gross Times in Jackson Hole & Being Black

I miss the incubator. This Jackson Hole place makes me feel weird. My face feels like it did when I wore those faux dreads: a heavy fake weight hiding what is really there for the purpose of seeming pleasing to the eyes of others.  I just observed Dickhead with his side chick at the airport.  It would seem the Unicorn was the real side chick and Dickhead actually was more smitten for this other woman who is basic. It actually made me question if my Unicorn is basic but she's not. She might've been in her former days but not anymore. 

I've cheated on most of my former lovers. I fell in love with other men while still attached to the one I was with in some physical way. I think that's the worse kinda betrayal; when your heart is with someone else and you are physically with another. That's what happened to my Unicorn. Yet as I stare at this woman I can't help but wonder if she has a magical vagina because head to head, Unicoen wins hands down. 

Part of me wishes I was on this Delta flight so I could continue to watch this freak show that is life a bit longer. I hope they live happily ever fucking after. No one in life gets to escape the energy they put into the world. I hope this passenger shows up that was missing. I hope this side chick gets taken off the plane. But she won't. I hate feeling controlled by feelings. I can only control my breath and even that is subconscious most of the time. 

I want to leave this place. This place feels awful. Absolutely awful. It's so deceiving because its aesthetically pleasing. It has so many wonderful elements yet ew. Why is that? I don't like it. I can't wait to leave this city.  I miss my incubator. I miss the sacred space created by my roommates. I miss my partner. This is the first trip I have taken away from him in a long time. I don't like it. It feels calming and safe around him. This place feels pressured and boiling over. 

My head and face feel awful. I hope I don't come back here anytime soon. Gross. 

Also, I hate being a novelty. There aren't many blacks (with Afros) here so I stick out like a sore thumb. Sometimes white people finding themselves makes me angry inside. There are too many white folk here invested in whiteness. I am in a sea of it. It's been a long time since I've been to place where white folk feel the need to smile at you and appear overly friendly because I'm black. 

They stare at me. They stare at my hair. They smile at me when they get caught staring. Fuck off! I could never live in solace where my blackness was always on display. I have seen 3 black people here which is more than I saw the first time I visited Montana and SLC. One of them was big and loud...thanks dude. The other was cleaning the windows of the yoga studio. He stared at me. I bet he wondered who I was and how I got here. JHole is defiently a place where you can count the blacks on your hands. 

I saw a few mixed people too. I suppose they count but we don't have the same experience. There is a lady staring at me right now sitting across from me. Believe it or not, some white people go on vacation so that they don't have to see colored people. So when I show up they can't help but stare. Then, like this lady just did across from me, they look around at other whites as if to say, "look, a back person. Do you see her? Weird, right?"

I don't want to notice these things. In fact, I'd love to be wrong. Unfortunately being from Chicago I have grown up like this. My mom took us to places where there weren't just black people or we were the only ones. I know what it feels like to be so noticed, so exploited. I moved to the gate area and well, this dude is just staring. Just staring without caring that he is and he's not alone in the staring crowd. Sigh...

Unicorn said something interesting to me  yesterday. She said it's not just enough that you are black. She says it's even more of a novelty because I am pretty. I never thought about that element before but it definitely seems like it could be apart of it. 

Here's another cool fact. When white people feel like they're doing something cool and a black person is there, the coolness factor gets elevated and their ideals of how "open minded" they are about themselves gets validated: look, im at a place black people go. I have literally been places where people wanted to talk to me because I was black. Get the fuck outta here!!! 

Sigh...I actually for a moment wished I could blend in. I don't typically ever want to blend in to anything. I feel too unique for that. Yet for once I'd like to go to a place where, yes, maybe you don't see a lot of black there often, but it doesn't become a spectical, I don't become a spectical. It should be more like, "oh, a black person" and the you move on woth your life. You go about your business. You don't stare you don't ask strange questions. I bend in as another human being who so happens to be in the same place you are. That is all. 

When does my flight board because I can't wait to get out of here...

Just landed in SFO

So I did something bad today. Something dishonest that I am not sure how to tell my partner about. I violated his trust. I read his journal. He has been angry with me more than I had ever imagined. I want him to get it out. I don't want him to have resentment for me. I am still afraid of loving him after so many years. Showing him myself. 

How does he put up with me and my antics? I wish I loved myself the way he loves me. How he keeps coming back to me. How he stands still when I run in circles. How all he wants is to love me. I can't even see his face right now. I would feel ashamed. There were no secrets in his journal. He tells me everything. He just fell in love with me and he still is in love with me. Why does it hurt so badly?

I'm wonder how I will get over this period? I wonder when it will end? This feeling inside of my stomach. This ache in my heart. How could someone ache so much from being loved? CIC saved me. He saved me and I don't appreciate it for one minute. I don't feel I am worth such saving. Such love. Such sacrifice. 

I go through so many ups and downs. I don't want this life for him. He deserves to have someone to meet him needs, to compliment his freedom. He is so amazing. I feel like I am living for him and not for me. Not in some slave unhealthy way but in a way that I don't value myself enough to love for myself. The depression persists. 

San Pedro Nights: Shots Fired

My life has played out like a soap opera the past couple of days. I have had my next door neighbor from child hood out visiting me. He is psychic and very open to his spiritual gifts. It has been an enlightening few days but there was something developing that came to a head today.

I hope I have helped him release that energy. He has helped me to understand so much and I wanted the same for him yet when I approached him with feedback he wasn't receptive. He was defensive and that is his pattern. He's had to defend himself his whole life and I was under the illusion that he wouldn't feel he'd have to defend himself from me. 

He just dealt some heavy shit, we both did. He made one mistake though. He pissed CIC off. CIC, the guy everyone makes fun for the way he carries himself. CIC will not tolerate me being unsafe. Not on his watch.  I don't agree with CIC wanting him to leave. It's just a lesson for us to learn. In giving CIC his power however I want to do what he would have me do. 

I was rude to Lee because I was operating from a place of familial understanding. I had a conversation in my head and once again only let out the brunt end of it so we had a misunderstanding. He doesn't allow anyone a word in edge wise. I assumed he was ready for the feedback phase of of life and here we are. 

Lee listens well but... Yeah, that's his thing. He'll listen until he says the word "but" which most people generally knows completely negates the previous statement. He's still in the hear to respond phase of life which brought me back to mine.  After an aura energy cleansing he did the previous night in which I felt completely vulnerable afterwards he said to me "that was so hard to do. I didn't realize you were that thick. (Pause and silence) you looked really good in those leggings today. (Pause and silence). Would you like me to stay in the room with you?" Horrible timing and here we are. 

I feel bad about how it all went down and due to his extremism he wants to just cut me and my whole family off because he's embarrassed. As I type all this the soul lesson has become very apparent for me. I was his family. I represented everything his family was and Chicago and I stimulated all his triggers. I served him in this way so that he could decide who he is going to be now that he is in California. Reaching this conclusion has brought a peaceful energy over me. I am so grateful for the lesson coming in that way. 

He was gonna leave but then I heard what I thought was fireworks. When I opened the patio door for a closer listen it turned out to be gunfire. I was hearing most intense shoot out I had ever heard in my life. Worse than what I ever heard in Chicago. This was as Lee had feared. It aptly manifested as we too were having our own shoot out. I told him I didn't feel comfortable in him leaving in that. I hope he chose to stay. 

And now here I am. Partially afraid to sleep because he said he wouldn't be able to sleep. He's never had a female friend like me before and he didn't know how to respond. I saw the young man in him coming out and realized how far he has to go. I feel sad that he sees this as a connection lost. And at the same time my trust has been violated enough that I don't want to sleep. 

Funny how life mixes things up. 

It's been about a half hour since the gun fire and I have heard no sirens. I mean, someone must've died in all that gun fire. I haven't even heard any helicopters. Where exactly do I live? Is Lee afraid now? He keeps saying he's not afraid of anything. Admitting to fear doesn't mean that it will dictate your being. Fear doesn't go away. We no longer have to tell ourselves the lies from our childhood that helped us to sleep at night. 

A few things I can take in are demanding and dictating. That's how he described me. There is truth in that. I have the desire to control things. I have the ability to influence things. I want to make my mark. My mark could have been reception to Lee's healing but it got clouded by the dictator which I think needs a name.  I'll work on that. I have owned what he's said about me and I felt like he wasn't owning his own shit. It's like I wanted to see him doing the work like me. 

Some people are just transmitters. They are not receivers. I had it all misunderstood. I felt too friendly with him too quickly. Though we connect spiritually we don't connect personally. It's an interesting thing how we've served one another. I assumed he understood me but I was mislead by my own desires for spiritual community. I do hope he doesn't abandon my family because of this. 

He continues to let his past determine his walk, as do we all. Poor child. We are but children trying to do all this stuff. Trying to act like adults. He's done nothing that can't be processed and forgiven. His whole life has prepared him for what's coming. I was like the last boss before the final fighting level. The thing is that he doesn't have to fight anymore. I wish he saw that. Those gunshots meant he doesn't have to do the fighting. I hope he sees this. 

Edit:  As it turns out all that noise was definitely fireworks and now gun fire.  Guess Lee got one over on me again.  I no longer have him in my life and I haven't missed him to be honest.  Seasons change.

I'm not sure

What do I really know?  I've had a hard time lately and I don't want to write as much as writing is clarifying for me.  I don't want to crochet as much as I use to enjoy it.  I don't want to move.  I want to lie still and do nothing.  I have taken away all hope in my life for my job at Compass.  This is the longest I have ever had a job and well, maybe that has something to do with wanting to leave.  I don't like to feel trapped.  My job use to provide me with such freedom but it wasn't my job that gave me freedom.  If anything lately I have revealed just how trapped I really am at work.

I wonder if I can type this sentence with my eyes closed. I did.  That was cool.  What else coudl I do with emy eys closed? Ah reality sets in.  Once there was focus and now there is this.  There is undertainlty and a lack fo fiath in my own skills.  I want to have so much focus that I can keep typing with my eyes closed. How did I learn to type like this?  I was in grade school and taking computer class was one of my favorite things because I loved to play the typing lessons.  I became really good at it.  I don't care why they were teaching me to do it.  We don't give our brains much credit.  I am not sure I could fill in a blank keyboard but maybe I could.  Standby.

So I just did a test to see if I could make put every letter to the keyboard in it's place and I couldn't just do it visually.  I had to incorporate my hands and spell words on an air keyboard in order to find their place.  I missed the placing of z, v, and y.  Otherwise I couldn't just picture the keyboard in my head and write it out.  I type on my keyboard so much I find this interesting that something I interact with daily doesn't come to me more easily than it did.  Such is life.  I live life everyday and some things I have figured out but some I have not.  I am not an expert typist.  I am not an expert human.  I am not sure if I want to be.

I want to find a reason to live for myself.  I have seen what I can do for others but nothing for myself.  I should accept what is.  I should accept the way this world works.  Typing that makes me want to cry.  I don't want any of this still.  Even with an amazing partner, friends, and family.  Even with this exciting job and the prospect of teaching yoga and writing and gardening.  I still don't want to be here.  I might need to take some type of drug.  But the spiritual world say all of the answers lie within.  In where?  In me?  Because I feel emptiness. I feel sinking.  Am I just a tsunami that is swelling?  I am not sure.

Written 3.11.15

So it's been an interesting two days. Yesterday I had a mandatory meeting with Inflight because another FA complained about my behavior during a flight. I'm not really sure what Compass will do about it. I'm in limbo with them right now. Additionally I am dealing with some type of stomach virus. I've pooped everything out and threw everything up to the point where I can't even hold down water. I haven't eaten anything today and I am currently working a flight from DFW to LAX. I just told the pilots to send and ACARS that I will not be able to work my next flight to SFO. 

I really wanted to because I feel like it will be good to get away from CIC for a bit right now. He has been nursing me ever since I tried to kill myself and I'm over it. Maybe I'll feel better when we land but right now I am sucking on ice and it's making my stomach hurt again. That means no food or water. Wonder if I can do it? And if I am sick, does working mean I am choosing my job over my well being? 

In fact, I dare say this is what this sickness is all about. I just so happen to get sick a few hours after eating airplane food. The food literally made me sick to my stomach. Ingesting airline makes me sick to my stomach. I think it's time to bid this job adieu and I'm really confused about what I should be doing. I couldn't find my old school weight and balance forms and I told myself that when this forms run out then I'll walk away from CP. I'm sure there in my bag somewhere. 

If I could be doing anything in the world right now I would be teaching yoga classes a few times a day and traveling on CIC's benefits. I am not sure flying is for me anymore. I don't feel any joy with it. I don't want to be fired from CP but if it happened I am not sure it would be the worse thing in the world. I want to leave on my terms though. This job is making me sick. 

Uber happenings

So CIC isn't a fan of my bus life. It takes too long to get anywhere. I think what bugs him the most is that he lacks certain guarantees such as timelines, trust, and safety. It's an open environment and it's not his style. 

I've risen buses my whole life. It's no big deal to me but it is to him. Now that we live together he's running a campaign to get me off the bus. He's even set up an uber account to ensure I have transpiration that he can trust. I'm in an uber car right now and he's probably tracking me on the app...

I'm grateful he set up uber for me but I wanted to take the bus home because it's cheaper even though it would've taken me a long time to get home. I felt obligated to take uber to make him happy and I am blogging about it because I just had a feeling with CIC I've never had before. 

It's that classic despair I use to experience with Cookie and Devin. Just sad about the situation. I felt like I was being controlled and told what to do. I felt like I was being denied my freedom. I mean, it's really not that serious. It's just a car ride. Maybe it's because he's paying for it. I feel like a child who can't be trusted to take care of herself. 

I loathed him in that moment. I've never felt that way about him...which why I know it wasn't about him. It was about the feelings the situation was giving me which leads me to believe I never felt that way about my exes, just the situation. When I felt the feeling before I arranged the uber ride, I wanted to cry. I seriously started to tear up at the thought of having to use the service. I felt defeated. 

I felt like a burden. I felt like I needed a hand out. Because I had those feelings I made myself order the car in order to get pass them. I know what happens when you let those feelings fester. My independence is important to me. CIC just loves me and feels inclined to keep me safe. And as ly naked in bed warm and quiet I realize that's all CIC wanted. 

 

I'll still have to find a different way to address this uber thing. In the mean time, I'm home. Good night! 

It's the most wonderful time of the year! It's the Fall!

Fall is my favorite season for many reasons.  I'm not going to get too poetic or overtly metaphysical about why I love the Fall. I will just state briefly that I love the ending of things that are necessary for a new beginning. Fall is a great time to let shit go and move on! Below I will list 4 other reasons why the Fall is the best time of the year!

1. The weather is perfect! 

I love a nice chili days and nights that allows you to cuddle under quilts or afghans and drink tea, hot chocolate, or coffee with baileys! I like to wear jackets, sweaters, and boots. I love the cloudy skies, the rain, the keeping the windows open to feel the cool air. 

2. The trees are so beautiful! 

Spring time is my second favorite season but it pales in comparison to the colors of the fall leaves. Varieties of red, yellow, brown, orange, and green are in abundance and the changes are subtle and abrupt. I love the noise of the leaves as the wind dances with trees. It's so picturesque when the leaves fall to the ground. I love walking, running, stomping, and rolling in piles and piles of leaves on the ground. I love the smell of the leaves and earth mixed together. I love it when I see a leaf that I'm drawn to so much that I pick it up and take it with me. I love this dying. I love this stillness. 

3. Fall has the best holidays!

Seriously, Halloween, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, and are the best holidays! Um, I get to get free candy if I dress up in a costume? Sign me up every time! 

I love horror movies, zombie flicks in particular. I love haunted houses and sensible gore. Now, sensible gore sounds like and oxymoron but some movies like Saw in my opinion have gore all wrong. I grew up with a healthy thanksgiving tradition of giving thanks, spending time with family, and eating as much soul food I could fit in my belly that night. Politics aside, in my house, Thanksgiving the best holiday of the year. Labor Day is a great way to recognize the professions that keep the world turning and it's also a great way to get out of school and BBQ! 

4. School starts again after summer break. 

I love school. I always have and it's the reason why I came to earth; I love learning. Learning is the reason we all have come here but I know for me that being a student and teacher in life has been a passion of mine since I was 3. And while most kids I knew dreaded the end of the summer, I was super excited...most years :-P 

Living in Los Angeles has definitely made me long for my favorite season even more. Lucky for me, in my job I can always visit the places that have the best Fall seasons. I'm heading to PDX tonight for Halloween with my babe! I'm going as Melandre from Game of Thrones. Hope you enjoy your Halloween! Just remember, the night is dark and full of terror... Bwahahahaha