A breakthrough!

Greetings!  I had a breakthrough the other day and it was amazing.  I was so elated that I emailed my friend about it and the email pretty much sums up how things came about.

Hey Chica,

So, I had to email you because I broke down and had a breakthrough this morning.  I woke up typing an email to my husband about how I feel and I felt like it was so negative but I just felt like I had so much to express to him.  One thing my mentor does to help me figure out how I am feeling is to keep asking me why.  If I say something he says why over and over again.  I get so frustrated sometimes but it eventually helps the truth comes out.  So, in trying to figure out what I was going to say to my husband I kept asking myself why.  I asked myself why I didn't want to be with him.  After writing several paragraphs I finally had written the following paragraph.  For reading purposes I will insert the word, why to show you what I mean.  It took longer to type this than it appears. 

I just don't feel comfortable being with you. (Why?) I guess I feel like it's a gamble. (Why?) I guess I feel like the good feeling won't last.  (Why?)Even when I do just decide to be with you, it doesn't do anything for me. (Why?) I feel like it's a chore.  (Why?)I feel like being with you is a chore.  Something I have to do.  (Why?) When I didn't have the pressure of having to be with you, I could do it easily.  Would it be any different if I weren't married to you?  Yes, I feel like I could get out anytime. (Why?) I don't like being trapped.  (Why?)I am afraid of it because I know what it's like to suffocate and I feel like this is suffocating me. 

Holy shit, reading that over again reminds me of this morning.  The moment I finished typing the last two sentences I remembered what it was like to suffocate and I began to cry.  That is when I realized that I still had some baggage from the molestation with my cousin.  So, I decided to write a letter to my cousin that I of course would not send.  Then I thought, no, I will find a way to tell him this.  So, I was typing and when I said that I would forgive him for suffocating me, I started sobbing hysterically.  Luis was sitting next to me at the kitchen table when all this was happening and immediately started to comfort me.  That is when my cat ran over to me too.  She was trying to comfort me as well.  She knew something terrible had happened to me and just wanted to comfort me.  Luis was so great.  I cried like thunder and lighting.  Slobbing all over the place and snot getting everywhere.  I was a mess.  I finally acknowledged some hurt that I had buried deeply in me for year and years.  Here is the letter I was typing to my cousin.

Dear @#%^&*,

In recently talking to my mentor and trying to improve my life, I realized I still have some work to do in healing my past.  I claim healing in God's name and henceforth welcome it into my life.  I want to say some things to you without interruption and your listening is all that I ask.  You know what happened between you and I when I was child.  At this point it's safe to say the reason I haven't communicated with you was because I was angry at you for what you did and for what I let happen.  I wrote you a letter a long time ago releasing you from the sexual part of me and forgiving you for it.  For that, I have forgiven you and was able to move on.  In becoming who I am lately, I realized that there was more I have to heal from.  I realized it wasn't just the sexual part of me that needed healing.  Whenever I wouldn't comply with you, you would put a pillow over my face and suffocate me.  It seemed like play to everyone else but you mostly did it when no one else was looking.  Let's just state this again as a fact as adults.  You would put a pillow over my face and suffocate me when I wouldn't let you touch my private parts.  You would give me the impression that you wanted to be friendly and play with me but it was just a game of deceit to get what you wanted.  Saying that makes me angry but underneath the anger has been a lot of hurt that I didn't acknowledge for years.

From that action I developed a fear of being surrounded by a certain medium and always needing to be in control.  I became claustrophobic.  I would fear being in water because it surrounded my like the pillow.  I would fear being in elevators because it would surround me like that pillow.  I would be in rooms with no windows and didn't like it because it surrounded me like that pillow.  What developed from that event was not having control over my life.  Not having a way to get out when I felt suffocated.  That tortured me more than the sexual violation.  I am telling you this today to say I forgive you and release the pillow from my face.  I realized that my desire to be in control of things has to do with not fighting you hard enough.  I have so much guilt.  I was wondering why I had this overwhelming sense of guilt and I couldn't figure out why. I had written you so many letters in the past releasing what happened from me.  Of course I didn't send these letters but it's something therapists get you to do to heal.  I did not mention the suffocating thing in the letters then because it was just today that I realized how much it has influenced me.  I take ownership for what happened.  I forgive you, Sean.  I forgive myself.  I also know that God forgives us.  Have you forgiven yourself for what happened?  If not, I advise you to work you on that for your soul's sake.  I don't know who you are anymore.  My forgiveness to you does not mean we have to sit over a cup of coffee.  I just means we both can move on with our lives.  God will never give us more than we can handle and we have to be grateful for that.  There is a lesson for our soul in everything that happens to us.  God bless.

End of the letter

Wow, what did you think of that?  So, I talked to my husband about it and wow was it nice.  I realize why I want to control so much. Much of my control was taken from me and I have felt like I had to control everything around me to protect myself.  I have had such a huge breakthrough Chica and I wanted to share it with you.  After I was done with the hysterics I finished typing my letter.  I still had the intention to contact my cousin and read it to him.  I called my grandmommy (my dad's mom and cousin's grandma).  I talked to her for a long time, not about this but gardening and toilet paper.  Lol, I love that lady.  At the end of the convo I asked if she had his number.  That is all I asked her about and to this day I don't know or care if she knows.  

So, I went into the bedroom alone and called my cousin.  He answered the phone and I don't know why I thought the sound of his voice would frighten me.  He didn't even sound the same.  I said who I was and he recognized me.  I read the letter to him and he listened.  I didn't cry not one bit while I was reading!  I was strong all the way through!  He apologized to me, sincerely.  I wasn't looking for an apology.  I just wanted to release him.   He said he had wanted to contact me for years.  He said that lately he had been calling people he hurt in the past to apologize to them and that he prayed that he could have that moment with me.  I guess God answers prayers.  He is in very good place in his life now spiritually and it was such a release.  I was shaking a bit but I felt so strong.  Part of the reason I never wanted to talk to him was because I was scared he would deny it.  He never did.  He owned it and we both acknowledged that we were in the best place at this point in our lives to deal with it.  And that was the end of it for both of us.  

I feel so fortunate because I knew that many people never get to have such a moment with their oppressors.  I felt so blessed and grateful.  It was done.  I felt immediately lighter after I got off of the phone with him.  I had such a hard lesson in learning to make myself vulnerable, being strong, and letting go and letting God.  What the hell kinda shit was my soul thinking when it built my chart, lol (Ego talking).  Anywho, I feel better and I am not putting pressure on myself to change so fast.  I feel like I have better understanding of why I act the way I do. I didn't realize how powerful that pillow was.  I can recognize the suffocating feeling now and I feel like I can make a choice.  I feel so strong and lifted.  

I just wanted to share this with you.  I know that every soul has a different way to deal with such an event and I accept and acknowledge that what happened to me today for me today may not happen for you or anyone else. 

That was the end of the email.  I cut a few things out that were in the original email because they are personal for my Chica and I. I hope that this has helped someone today.

What would I do if I weren’t afraid?

I am watching Oprah’s life class, which is absolutely God-sent for the world right now.  I am learning so much about who I am and everything that is coming toward me is exactly what I am asking for from the universe.  I recently acknowledged some confusion and mixed feelings about what I want.  I couldn’t answer the question.  I just heard Oprah ask a question that I think will help me hone in on my desires.  The follow up question is what will this do for me if I do it?  There question is, what would I do if I weren’t afraid?

If I weren’t afraid, I would…

…talk to my husband about how I really feel; go back to school; learn to fly a plane; travel the world and live in a foreign country; have sex with a random person; apply for a teaching job; save more money; not bid at work; work out everyday; publish my book and magazine; accept that I am enough; be honest with my family; make myself vulnerable.

What would doing those things do for me?

I had a session with my mentor who told me I had to choose between the feeling of wanting my husband and not wanting my husband.  That seems really have to do.  I am afraid of hurting his feelings.  If I went back to school I would feel the accomplishment I have always desired and have my teaching degree.  I would have stability.  Learning to fly a plane will make me feel free and smart.  Traveling the world will keep me excited and educated about the world. Having sex with a random person will let me know if I am really missing out on such an experience.  Not sure what that does for me but it’s something I wonder about.  I think it’s about giving in to my desires and making it ok to be in the moment.  Working out everyday would mean commitment for me and produce the physical results that I want.  Publishing my book will make me feel like I could really help someone and validate my ideas and beliefs.  Accepting that I am enough is the biggest piece to all of these because it gets rid of all the fear.  By being honest I would avoid questioning my relationships with people.  And finally, making myself vulnerable would open up my universe and awareness.

What part of all of that is my ego?

I know part of the feelings of wanting my husband and not wanting him have a bit to do with my ego.  There is fear that I am making the wrong decision.  I am afraid to give up.  I am afraid breaking my marriage vows as if all hell is going to rain down on me.  My mentor is encouraging me to choose because I am living in resentment of him and my actions.  I am afraid of all of our hard work to be together and his sacrifice of coming to a foreign place where he doesn't know anyone going to waste.  I am afraid of not having him in my life and having in my life.  I feel an obligation to him.  I have learned tonight that anger is control over the hurt I feel inside.  I don't think my husband has hurt me in anyway that would cause me to have anger toward him.  I think this all stems from me.  I also learned that once you acknowledge the hurt, underneath it is love.  I feel a bit of fear that romantic love is not there for him or anyone else.

When I think about finishing school, I know that is something I want just for me.  I see how it will affect other people but school, knowledge, and education has always been mine.  Learning to fly a plane just sounds fun and speaks to my independence and adventure.  I think it would also help me to be present because you can’t really daydream in that type of activity.  Flying is a living dream.  Traveling the world also speaks to my soul.  I have always enjoyed meeting people from other cultures and I want to do that for the rest of my life.  I love the idea of being international.

Having sex with a random person…now that kinda sounds like my ego but perhaps it sounds like giving myself permission to enjoy something that is taboo.  I limit how much pleasure I receive too often and a random sexual act makes me vulnerable.  Now I know that there are other ways to be vulnerable, not sure why I think a random sex act accomplishes that.  I am a planner and I have only had sex with people I have gotten to know well, that number being only 5.  I know I am obsessed with that number as well.  What does that number really mean for me and will it really keep me in or out of heaven? Anywuzzle, having sex with a random person means no planning and living in a pleasurable moment.  SEX also equals Sacred Energy Xchange and I wonder if I really will be able to put myself out there like that.  

Working out everyday for me is part soul part ego.  There are some vanity aspects to being in good shape.  Perhaps it is ok to look good but too often I find myself comparing myself to other people.  Now when I say comparing I mean looking at someone and judging their body.  I do that too often and I judge other people’s bodies so much because that is how I much I judge my own.  That is totally ego!  Now my soul on the other hand just wants health, awareness, and strength!  My soul understands that the wonderful foods on this earth gives my body everything it needs to live a full life.  Eating the right foods combined with physical fitness is a full life, not just because of your physical abilities but your metaphysical ones. 

Publishing my book has some ego in there, as I am guessing most things might.  I definitely like the idea of being acknowledged for what I have to say.  In my heart, I know I just want to help people.  I feel that if people just knew this knowledge God has given me, their life could be better.  I have to want to be able to share this knowledge without the expectation of appreciation.  I heard Oprah asked herself would she start the OWN network if no one knew it was her?  Would I publish my book if no one knew it was me?  I think that is the right thing to do for my soul and the soul of others.  Some woman added that when moments of appreciation arrive, they will be more valued without the expectation of it. 

Tonight I found that everyone’s ego feels so needy and thinks it doesn’t have enough.  It was so comforting to discover on Oprah’s show the natural state of my ego.  I am enough.  I want to believe I am enough because I am tired of being run by this mentality: that what I am is not enough, that I am not good enough, that nothing and no one is good enough for me.  God gives me everything.  I have everything.  I lack nothing.  I have abundance!

I want to be honest with those that care about and love me and for me that involves showing who I am and that is my soul.  My ego fears that if others see who I am, they will take their love from me.  I also fear my ego taking this policy of honesty and trying to hurt others before they hurt me.  My father told me that I have to learn to listen in order to tune into the message God has for me to give to someone.  I need to show people that I care and that I respond to them out of love.  From now on when someone criticizes me or disagrees with me, I will say, you know what, you might be right!

And last but not least, vulnerability.  Making myself vulnerable is definitely my soul because my ego wants the exact opposite.  Ego wants to protect me at all costs.  You see, my ego is not all bad and negative.  It is like a scared inexperienced child who realizes she is not invincible.  Rather than reject this child and tell the child she is wrong, I have to hold my ego's hand and say, I know you are worried about me.  I know I am concerned about myself, however fear and anger will not give us lasting comfort.  I will hold my hand through the hurt and fear and tune into my awareness by making myself vulnerable.  This will allow me to learn the soul lessons I need to learn. 

This is all very extraordinary progress for my soul.  Praise the Lord!

What I want

October 20, 2011

Happy anniversary!  I just want to start by saying that one year ago today my husband and I eloped in Vegas at The Little White Wedding Chapel.  I wish I could say that we never looked back but we have.  There is a lot of irony in writing this blog on this day.  I have been advised by my mentor to write every morning when I wake up.  I have been awake since 0530 MT and it’s now 0919 MT.  I didn’t allow time this morning to write since it was so early so I am writing now.  I know part of the reason for the delay is because I don’t know what I want…  I am sure I have written about this before but this time seems different.  I know there are things that I don’t want but what do I want? 

I want to teach.  I know I have always wanted to teach.  It comes as naturally to me as breathing. I like being able to share knowledge with people.  I like everything about learning.  I love being in school and I always have.  By teaching I ensure my presence in school for the rest of my life.  I have always felt that Education is the key to freedom.  Knowledge is so important.  I also want to be able to positively influence the life of young people, for they are the ones who bring about real change.

I want to help people.  I wanted to mention this with teaching but the two don’t have to necessarily have to overlap.  I understand that I will be helping people by teaching them but I want to help people in other ways.  I have contemplated becoming a life coach lately.  I like the idea of helping people to connect with themselves spiritually and life a fulfilling life.  I feel like a lot of people are neglecting their souls.  I want to do some sort of soul work.

Since I want to do soul work I have to get my house in order.  I want to reach a place of balance and happiness.  For too long I have been weighed down.  For too long been denying who I am and what I want.  I have let fear comfort me.  I have feared who I truly am. I know that a bit of the perfectionism issue comes along with that.  Fear of failure.  I am done with that.  I want strength and intuition and creation. 

I want to create my universe which involves having fun.  Sometimes I feel so serious.  What do I do that makes me happy?  My job makes me happy.  Is that all that I have? What makes me happy?  Freedom. Being alone.  Music. Dance.  Movies.  Traveling. Helping. Creating. The truth is that I don’t know.  Sometimes my husband makes me happy.  Sometimes he makes me feel good.  But I wouldn’t generally say that I am happy with him.  There are times when I feel happy and there are times when I feel weighed down.  Being fit makes me happy.  Eating healthy food is kinda satisfying though eating French fries and ice cream about bit more fun.  Choosing my health overall does make me happy.  I am happy that my body is finally doing what I want it to.  What about sex?  Hmmm, sex feels good and I guess I get some kind of joy from it.  I like the release that it gives me. 

I really don’t know where I am going with this.  I feel like I have to come up with something and I can’t seem to definitively be able to say “this” makes me happy and that makes me sad.  Maybe I have some apprehension about being happy.  Like, I feel bad about being happy.  

Food: Part I - My Historic Food Battle

I have been making references to a food blog for a while now and it's about time I get to it!  I will give you a warning that this blog will be long and you may not agree with all my thoughts.  I will do this is several parts.  This is Food Part One


Round One: Me Vs. Food...Fight!!


My relationship with food has been interesting.  I have never been a big eater unless there was a food I really liked or it was a holiday like Thanksgiving.  I was breast fed and boy am I grateful for that!  When I got big enough to hold my own bottle, my big sis would take it away from me and drink it (glad that stopped).  Not sure about how relevant the baby stuff is but I wanted to take it from the very top!  As I got old enough to hand feed myself and guard my food, I would skip eating quite often, mostly in the morning.


My stomach rarely felt ready for eating in the morning, for one.  And two, I didn't realize until college that I was an over taster or what some call a super taster.  They say that people with sensitive taste buds normally don't like the taste of fruits and vegetables because of the intensity.  Well, I was never really into fruits, especially anything with the name berry in it.  Way too sweet for me.  However, I have always been a fan of vegetables which is not typical of a super taster.  Most veggies are bland enough to prevent some type of roller coaster ride in my mouth.  Breads have always been a favorite as well which is supposedly typical for an over taster as well as meat.  I have never been a big meat eater but I liked it when I did it eat it.  Most people with my taste bud issues are on the thinner side of life as I have also been.  Things like alcohol, coffee, sweet candy, and dark chocolate are repulsive in our mouths.


Round Two: Food 1, Me 0 =(


Most of the time as a kid, I just didn't feel hungry.   I didn't care for all the stimulation in my mouth.   If I wasn't hungry, I didn't want to eat.  The only time I made sure to eat was test taking day at school as people stated over and over again how an empty stomach can cause an internal distraction while taking a test.  Other than that, eating just wasn't on my mind.  I had no idea that my taste buds made me not want to eat.  Of course not eating has consequences. There were several instances in my childhood when I would pass out at school or other places.  The first question my mother would always ask me when I came to was, "did you eat, Tracie?" or "did you eat breakfast?"  That prevented a lot of trips to the hospital unless I was with someone who didn't know about my issue.


One time I was out with my aunt and sisters and I just fell out.  I remember exactly how it happened. I was standing there feeling very weak.  I immediately thought, oh shit, I am going to pass out and so I did.  I passed out so much in life I knew exactly what the pregame felt like.  I just so happened to be standing in huge crowd of people when this happened.  


My aunt was freaking out.  I was in and out of consciousness enough to see how much money my aunt unknowingly pulled out of her wallet to give to her friend to make sure my sisters had a good time while I was rushed to the hospital.  I thought I was telling my aunt that I needed food but who knows what I was blubbering out or my mouth other than drool.  My mom and grandma met us at the hospital and after all the hoop la my stats came out normal, of course.  My two reasons for passing out when I was young was heat exhaustion and malnutrition.  My mom know which one was the culprit in this case.  I felt bad for scaring my aunt but she quickly turned her attitude around when I revealed how much money she had given her friend...


From that moment on I decided I didn't ever want to be embarrassed like that again, nor miss out on a fun Saturday with my aunt.  I didn't exactly start eating everyday/meal but at least on the days when we were going to do stuff.  One time my aunt said she didn't feel comfortable taking me out this time, jokingly of course.  So, she made everybody stop and wait while I scarfed some food in my belly at the last minute so I could be eligible for the trip. While eating she sang me the following song which was a play off of the Aristocats movie:


We are Siamese if you please
We are Siamese if you don't please
If Tracie don't hurry
I am going to leave
We are Siamese if you please.


I can still hear the laughter form my siblings as my aunt made fun of me.  I laughed too but I hated being reminded to eat.


Die Food with A Vengeance!


From that point on I would make sure to eat at least twice a day and to eat something like bread or sweets when I felt the pass out pregame show coming on.  Also, I decided to just lay down when I felt weak to conserve energy, not matter where I was.   My mom was not a big fan of my laying down on street curbs in the middle of downtown.  And while I thought this was new game plan, she told me that I always just sat down when I was weak or tired.  The good news from all this is I went years before I embarrassingly passed out again but I still didn't start eating the way I should.  


When we were in poverty, food was hard to come by which shouldn't have been a big deal for this under eater.  But trying to make it on two meals of toast with cinnamon, sugar, and butter on it twice a day (that was all had most of the time) was not enough.  Experiencing moments of starvation was not good times.  Then again, maybe if I weren't such a picky eater, I could have spread some peanut butter on that bread and been better off.  Still don't like peanut butter but reces cups are tolerable.


We'll fast forward to college where I started eating more, maybe too much.  I ended up weighing a whopping 177lbs after a couple years at school!!!  I had no idea that I had gained so much weight and I only noticed by seeing a picture of myself.  What's even more surprising was that food was not the culprit. I still had issues eating.  I got to the point where I was mainly eating for energy, that and I had access to food through my job at the cafeteria.  Yes, working at the cafeteria in college had many advantages namely free food!  And if you don't like free food, you are not American!!  Also to get through my classes I would stop for a big meal at lunch which was fast food.  Just like in high school, sometimes that would be the only meal I ate for the entire day.  My body started to store fat.  I was eating just to have enough energy to make it through my classes.


So, I started working out and watching what I ate.  I got down to a better weight and relaxed until I encountered depression.  With depression your relationship with food is one of two things: too much or too little.  Well, introduce depression to a person who needed to be reminded to eat and you can guess which relationship I had with food.  I got to the point where I would only eat cookies and milk all day.  


While working at the Walmart deli I passed out in the kitchen.  I knew it was coming and didn't do anything about it.  I think I wanted it in some sick way.   A trip to the hospital showed normal stats and of course it was all in my head...stupid doctors.  (Just a side note I had been tested for diabetes and was fine.  I suspected hypoglycemia or hyperglycemia but docs still said negativo).  My ex knew what the issue was and made me take a look in the mirror at myself.  I could see my ribs!  I looked disgusting and didn't realize this just like I didn't realize when I had gained weight.  I was about 120lbs which may look good on some people at my height of 5 feet 7 inches but on me, I looked like one of those kids on the feed the hungry commercials.


The Battle for Food, The War for Health


Here is the kicker, I had started going to therapy shortly before that to figure out what my deal was with eating.  Turns out I had an eating disorder that was called an eating disorder or EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified...google it).  It would seem easier to explain if it were one of the famous ones like anorexia or bulimia but it was just a disorder.  I didn't have body image issues and I never have.  I didn't barf nor was I OCD about eating, I just didn't eat.  It wasn't on my mind.  I also found out around this time that I was an over taster.  I finally had an answer to why I didn't like fruit.  I liked spicy food because it felt like I was really eating a lot.  That is a mental trick for over tasters.  I finally had the answer to my eating issue and where did it land me?  Right back to the hospital.  I knew what my issue was but I didn't know what to do about it other than to make myself eat.  And when you have to force yourself to do something for the wrong reason (energy and other people do it), then your heart is not in it and you will not be successful.


After this long battle with food my husband, then boyfriend, turned things around for me. After a while he was asking me if I remembered to eat.  I couldn't believe things had lead down this road of him treating me like my mom did.  Of course, I barely noticed.  I remember talking to him on the phone one time about how I almost passed out.  I was speaking about it very matter-of-factly not even thinking about how this may sound or make him feel.  He was worried about me the first couple of times I did this but one day he had enough.  


He knew that my symptoms were preventable if I would make sure I ate.  He turned from worried to putting his foot down.  He told me that he was upset and disappointed in me that I wasn't taking care of this.  I told him I would eat immediately when symptoms came on to make things right but that wasn't good enough for him.  I wasn't eating for the right reason.  He pretty much told me taking responsibility for eating is deciding to live.  I have to eat to live and live to eat and if I don't eat, then I must not want to live.  Suicide issues aside, it had never been put to me like that before.  I told him I would take care of myself from now on.


Food Not the Enemy...


And I did.  It wasn't easy transitioning to the world of the living (as far as food is concerned...sorry zombie lovers).  I did have to remind myself a lot to eat.  I would set aside certain times of day to eat and fit it into my schedule as something I have to do.  Making sure I ate started me on a food journey that would change my life.  For financial reasons I stopped eating meat in November 2006.  I became a lacto-ovo-vegetarian.   I blindly and ignorantly became a vegetarian.  I thought I knew about eating.  In fact, I bet most people would rate themselves excellent in the category of eating and what to eat as they have been eating their whole lives.  I thought I knew what I was doing but I found out through blood donation that I was lacking some vital minerals and vitamins.  I became anemic and had iron deficiency.  It was short while after that when I decided to really learn about food and how to balance my diet.


I started doing research and reading a lot of books.  Part of my motivation was that I have been tested positive for precancerous cervical cancer.  In trying to figure out how to fight this I learned that the answers to a cancer free life were close at hand.  God designed the immune system to be able to fight any intrusion on the body if maintained at optimal health.  I started learning what foods had in them and what foods helped the immune system function as it's best.  I was so surprised at all I was learning.  I could never look at food the same way again.  


Once you learn the good things about food, you learn the bad things too.  I figured out why I liked cake so much.  I found it surprising that although I was as over taster, I could tolerate the sweetness of cake and cookies.  I think it's worth mentioning that I only like plain white or yellow cake.  Nothing fruit flavored although I am opening myself up to more things.  Also, most cookies are fine unless it's peanut butter or macadamia nut.  Ack!


In the Mood for Food!


Anywho, it turns out that it wasn't the taste of cake I was necessarily after but the feeling it gave me while eating it.  I learned what it meant to eat emotionally and how to identify why you like certain foods.  For example, my mother loved to make cakes and not just for birthdays.  Since cakes are associated with happy times in my life, it's not the cake I am after but the feeling I get from eating it.  That was such a revelation for me because I have had times when I would eat cake everyday for weeks or down half of cake in one sitting.  Those were obviously times when I felt I needed some emotional comfort.  I read that it's important to really take in how you feel when you eat any food to see how it caters to you emotions.  You should try this; it is eye opening.  It is also daunting and after a while I felt too much pressure to try to figure out why I liked french fries so much or chocolate chip cookies.


Although I was committed to eating meals, I definitely had a small relapse in the healthy food department.  I became so overwhelmed.  Eat this, don't eat that.  Stay away from this.  Don't eat too much of that but you can have some in moderation.  In my Peter Griffin voice: Ugh, you know what really grinds my gears?  When people say have this or that in moderation.  Fuck your moderation!  What is the quantity of moderation?  Can it be measured?  Can I eat it until my tummy aches or is that too  much?  Does that mean if I put moderate size spoon fulls in my mouth, that I can eat the entire box of ice cream?  That is the most ridiculous rule I have ever heard so shove your moderation up your ass!!!!


Food to the Rescue!


My apologies, sorry.  I had a moment.  Sadly though, that is how I would feel some days.  The problem was that, I was what I was eating so I decided to clean house.  When I became a smarter vegetarian I started to feel better and look better.  It took me years to get to that point.  I have opened my world to foods I didn't like before like tomatoes (yes, didn't like tomatoes as a kid...too strong) and avocados.  I love to taste any new kind of veggie.  I still have my issues with fruit but I eat fruit practically everyday now when I can.  I only eat fruit for breakfast and for breakfast I only eat fruit even though my pool is still limited (still don't like berries).  The best thing eating fruit and only fruit for breakfast has done for me is help my morning stomach.  


Do you remember when I mentioned part of the reason I didn't want to eat breakfast was because my stomach wasn't ready?  Well, I think the reality was that my stomach had to work too hard to digest food (for those of you that don't know, digestion is the most energy consuming thing our bodies naturally do and when you give it bad things to digest or foods that take too much work to digest, you keep your body from focusing on other processes).  It was distracting and at times painful to eat in the morning.  Eating only fruit for breakfast has been a miracle for me.  In fact, I even fast before noon sometimes and it feels great!  I have so much energy.


It's been a long food journey but I am happy to say that I have a wonderful relationship with food now, the best ever!  Everyday I learn more and more about food and it's exciting.  There are still stressful times like when eating out and trusting that it's a good food source.  There are also still times when I want some emotional support from my food and drink.  I try to do my best to get through and I am successful for the most part.  


I will also admit to obsessing over what to eat at times but I manage to cope with that as well.  The biggest food lesson I have learned is that you are what you eat!  If you eat chemically plumped chickens instead of free range organic chicken, then that is what you are.  If you are eating fried fatty foods all day, then that is what you are.  Take control of your health and decide to be something different.  I am going to blog about food on a spiritual level later on so be on the look out.  In the mean time, just ask yourself why you are hungry for a certain food and be honest with yourself about.  If you have an eating disorder, please find help from someone.  Peace!

Miss Goodie Two Shoes

Now that is something I have heard my entire life and I couldn't stand it.  I was always labeled and teased for doing the right thing or the good thing.  It bothered me at times but I didn't lose sleep over it.  Something else I have been hearing for quite some time is that I am always trying to be right.  Recently my husband and my new mentor accused me of this.  Now, my mentor only recently came into my life and in just two conversations he accused me of this (and many other things).  How is it that two people, one who barely knows me (as far as my ego is concerned) and my husband, who knows me the best, can say the same thing?  Could there be some truth to this accusation?

I have never had that mentality.  In fact, I am open to many points of views and being wrong.  Is it my fault that most of the time, I am right?  I am not the type of person who is unwilling to admit when I am wrong.  If I am wrong, I want to be corrected.  If I am misinformed, please give me the right information.   I do not argue for the sake of being right, I argue my point of view and I am open to the view of others.  I would describe myself as a truth seeker.  Now, if I appear passionate or persuasive about what I am saying, what should I exactly do about that to make others feel comfortable?  I feel like my actions are being misinterpreted.  I feel like I have to clearly outline my intentions before I began to speak so other people can know my goal.

I asked Luis what it was that I do to make it seem like I am always trying to be right.  He said that I interrupt him when he is speakin.  Hmmm, sounds more like being rude but that is my opinion.  My husband barely wants to disagree about anything.  I can patiently listen to someone and then agree or disagree with them afterwards.  I suppose that would help this situation.  I have to admit this makes me angry.  I asked him what else it is that I do and that is all he had for the moment.  Hmmm, so if I just act like I am listening, then I won't give off the impression that I am trying to be right.  That sounds like my ego talking I suppose.  My point is that it bothers me that I give this impression.  I am wise enough to know what what I think, how I feel, and what works for me does not work for someone else.  I don't push myself onto other people.  If you decide to open the flood gates then you should prepare for the possibility of getting drowned or at least really wet.

When my husband accused me of trying to be right, I turned out to be right.  Was that the point?  Not at all.  I think for me since I knew I was right, I didn't feel like going through the motions of the back and forth.  I guess the back and forth makes people feel like they are being heard.  I guess I have to treat him like I treat my passengers.  Oh, that's pretty fucking genuine.  Honestly, all I did was keep asking him questions.  Wanting more information is trying to be right.  Do I keep searching for answers until I hear something that pleases me?  I don't know.  I don't think so.  My intentions are to get the story before formulating an opinion.  I also think that my husband and I get lost in translation sometimes.

I am not trying to be right.  I suppose I could do better at listening to things I might not care to hear or that I disagree with.  I suppose I could disagree on the inside and keep a cool face.  Or just not give a shit.  Either way, I'm over all this bull.  I am going to sit back and watch for while.  The idea of that makes me feel like I am wasting away.

Oh, and the beat goes on...

I just read an interesting point on The Daily Love about looking with the eyes of love and seeing communication as an expression of or request for love.  That is such an awesome thing.  The blog also went on to talk about hiding who you are from people.  I suppose I have thought this whole that not telling The Fish what I truly believe  was for her benefit and not mine.

Perhaps I am afraid to lose her and I never entertained that idea.  I wouldn't want to lose her in my life as I know she is good for my soul.  I haven't been fair in this. I am sure she has taken many risks in sharing herself with me.  Telling me things she hasn't told anyone in her family probably.  I remember feeling honored for her sharing herelf with me.  I told I will never judge her yet I worry about her judging me.

At some point in the future I will share some personal things with her and if she really loves me, then I have nothing to worry about.  If she is not who I know she is, then I will gracefully step back if it's better for her soul's journey.  However, I a hoping that I am meant to teach her more soul lessons in my reveal.  Thank you The Daily Love for all that you do in helping my soul's journey.  I am grateful for The Fish in my Universe as well.

Stuck In The Fish Tank

Blogging to blog.  I am kinda bored right now.  I am in The Fish's tank right now.  I have been swimming around in here all week.  I called in sick for one of my trips which I haven't done in over a year.  I had a cold (kinda still here) and I will admit to being peer pressured into calling in sick.  I am glad I did though.  I am scheduled for 100 hours this month and not looking forward to it.  I suppose I created that.  I am definitely ready to sleep in my own bed, even if it's for one night.  Speaking of my bed...

I don't miss my husband much these days when I am away from home.  I like to get the break.  I think that he is finally coming around to realizing some things about his life and that makes me happy.  Realization with action however is what would be better.  I think that is coming too.  I have a feeling things are going to turn around with us.  I am not sure where they are going to turn but it will be a quick turning.

Now although I just mentioned not missing him much when I am away, there are times when I am away from him that I want to be next to him.  I want to hear him and smell him.   I also occasionally think about having sex with him.  It is a strange thing because I have had these thoughts within minutes of seeing yet when I see him, these thoughts just fade.  They go away completely or I just go, eh, not today or maybe ever.

What is really my issue here?  I am not exactly sure.  I asked him what he wanted from me and he said my friendship.  Made me feel like an asshole to think that I haven't even been there for him as a friend.  He has been kind to me and still sweet.  He does me favors.  He helps whenever I ask and he never complains.  Yet I am not that way with him.  Maybe that is why I am upset toward him all the time.  He is capable of something I am not: loving me unconditionally.

I think about unconditional love a lot lately.  I wonder if it's even possible for us humans.  I mean, that is what God wants us to really understand.  And as soon as I think I have arrived at some point of unconditional love, something happens in the relationship that seems conditional, at least to my ego.  A good example of that would be the relationship I have with The Fish.  Sometimes it seems like we can be just so free with each but then there are times when I know to keep my mouth shut which in the past was for fear of judgement but now it's mostly to keep the peace.  I feel like she only knows one side of me.

I haven't had many friends who I have shown myself to completely.  In fact, I would say Chica and my husband right now are the only two people who know who I am.  My ex had some idea but he has missed out on the evolution of my soul and thank goodness!  Sometimes I think about letting The Fish in but then I fear maybe she is not ready.  She is still too judgmental and is slowly letting go of some that as she takes risks in her life.  She has been too hard on herself her entire life and she has projected that onto what she thinks, feels and how she treats other people.  I am guilty of having done the same thing to that extreme at some point in my life.  However, I realize now how so much more freeing my life is without being concerned with what other people have going on.  Attempting to love unconditionally.

Yet it seems I have set up some conditions for my husband that I even excuse in people who mean much less to me.  I guess I feel I have more stake in his soul's journey than that of other people's.  It is so interesting how I come here to blog and blogging just answers my questions or helps me to figure out the real issue. Yet, even when I do find the answer or know how I should behave, I seem to be lacking enthusiasm.  It's like Solution (Soulution): Love husband Unconditionally.  Oh, ok, cool.  Then I do it and it's lack luster.  I can decide to be happy about it but it always seems so fake when I do that.  What will it take to get the excitement back?  Why doesn't he excite me anymore?  Did he ever?  Was I in love with his country and circumstance?  Did he create that I was in love with the idea of him and not actually who he is (he would say over and over again that I didn't love him, just only the idea of him)?  I know that is not true.  It has always been him.  Just him.